Genre: Drama

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I just wanted to play with them for a little while. No harm intended, only the greatest love and appreciation for the people who have created these fabulous characters and bring them onto my TV screen every week.

Summary: Spike gets his chip out and Faith gets out of jail to help in the fight with Glory.

Notes:  This story takes place after "The Body". "I Was Made to Love You" never happened, and just to be clear, in my story there is not even the remote possibility of a CyberBuffy.

Much thanks to Cousinjean, my wonderful beta-reader, for all her excellent advice.

PART TWO

Buffy was in her kitchen, making breakfast. She kept glancing out the door toward the back porch, where she had last seen Spike the night before. She still couldn’t believe she had done it. What the hell had possessed her? It was bad enough that she had told Spike about her mother, and even worse that she had completely broken down in front of him. But had she actually kissed him? Invited him into her house?

She sighed. She decided to just chalk it up to grief-induced insanity. The worst part was trying to decide whether she should ask Willow to do another de-invite. If she didn’t, Spike would have free access to enter her house any time he wanted – but how could she ask Willow to do the spell without telling her how Spike had gotten the invitation? She was *so* not up for that particular discussion.

After a little more consideration, she decided not to decide just yet. It wasn’t like Spike was really dangerous. As long as he had that chip in his head, he couldn’t do anything to hurt her or Dawn. She’d wait and see if he came snooping around again. Plus, that would give her time to come up with a good story for Willow. Something other than the truth. There was no way she was ever going to tell any of her friends that she had kissed Spike, or that she had invited him into her house for more.

She’d spent a restless night in bed, a big part of her upset that he had walked away. Her sanity had returned with the morning, however, and now she was grateful that he had turned her down. Grateful, but confused. She couldn’t figure out what kind of game he was up to this time. Why had he turned her down? Did he think that if he walked away she would start trusting him? That he could turn around and use that against her somehow? She just didn’t know what to think.

With a deliberate effort, Buffy put all thoughts of Spike out of her mind. She had to go to the Magic Box this morning for some Slayer-training with Giles, then she had to get home and change for her mother’s wake that evening. She had too many things going on right now to waste her time worrying about Spike. Hopefully training would give her something to concentrate on, because between her mother’s death and the recent weirdness with Spike, she needed something normal to think about. Well, normal for her life, anyway.

With yet another sigh, Buffy got up, washed her breakfast dishes, and headed out the door.

**********

It was strange. He’d never really felt this way before.

He just couldn’t stop thinking about Joyce.

He was sitting in the chair they had once shared, staring at the blank TV screen where they had once watched "Passions" together. Now she was gone.

He took a long draw on his cigarette.

He didn’t know what to make of this feeling. It was like an emptiness inside of him. Joyce had been practically the only person in his entire existence who had ever been nice to him. And now she was gone. No more talks about his love life over a cup of hot chocolate. No more stories about her gallery.

He’d never really lost someone before. Someone he cared about. Someone who had treated him real good.

Was this what it felt like when someone died? This emptiness? Had he been responsible for making other people feel this way? He’d never really thought about the consequences of his actions before. Sure, he’d been trying to change lately, but that had been all about Buffy. He wanted to become someone she’d want to be with – but maybe, before that could happen, he had to acknowledge that he hadn’t exactly always done the right things in the past.

He took another pull on his cigarette.

Not that he was going to get all morose and brooding about it, like other vampires he could name. That wouldn’t help anyone, and it wouldn’t change the past. But it was something to think about for the future.

Spike was lost in thought when, suddenly…

SLAM!

No matter how many times it happened, it made him want to jump out of his skin. There wasn’t a person or demon in town who wasn’t his enemy. Every time someone burst into his crypt like this, he half expected to find himself on the wrong end of a pointy wooden stick. He rarely expected visitors, but this one was particularly unexpected. And unwelcome.

"Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?" You big poof, he finished mentally.

Angel lunged at him, grabbing him by the throat and pushing him against the wall. "Are you gunning for Buffy?"

"What? No!"

"I swear, Spike, if you’re thinking of harming one hair on her head, I will kill you in the most painful way imaginable."

"Hey, lay off! I don’t know where you get your sodding information, Grandpa, but I have no intention of hurting the Slayer."

He loved the look that crossed over Angel’s face at the word "Grandpa." It was a term he almost never used, but one intended to cause a reaction. A reminder that, to a large extent, Angel was responsible for his existence. He sometimes wondered if that was the reason why Angel had never been able to bring himself to kill him. And Spike enjoyed throwing their relationship in his face.

Angel pushed Spike into the wall one more time before releasing his grip. "Oh, please, Spike, after all the crap you’ve pulled, do you really expect me to believe that you don’t want Buffy dead?"

"I bloody well don’t care if you believe it or not, mate. Hurting Buffy is the last thing I have in mind."

"That’s not the way Drusilla tells it. She says you’ve set your sights on the Slayer."

"Since when are you and Dru all buddy-buddy?"

"That’s beside the point, *William*. I want to know what you’re planning and I want to know now."

Spike flopped back down in his chair and lit another cigarette. "What difference does it make? It’s not as if she’ll ever have me anyway."

"What?" Angel had no idea what to make of that comment. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come off it, Angel. You of all people should know *exactly* what I mean."

"Why don’t you just explain it to me, Spike"

Spike took another long draw on his cigarette. He decided that, after all the grief he had given Angel over falling in love with a Slayer, Angel deserved a chance to get him back a little. "Well, if you must know, what Dru told you wasn’t entirely wrong. I have set my sights on the Slayer, just not in the way you’re thinking. I’ve been trying to show her that I don’t have to be evil. I can be good. Every once in a while she lets me help her out. I keep hoping that maybe, someday, she’ll come to trust me. Maybe even…"

He let his voice trail off. He just couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud. Saying them to Buffy had been painful enough. He wasn’t ready for the humiliation of saying them to Angel. It didn’t matter, though, because he’d said enough for Angel to figure out the rest.

Angel looked at him for another second, then did something Spike didn’t think he’d ever seen Angel do in 120 years. He burst out laughing.

"Oh, please, Spike. Please tell me you don’t mean what I think you mean."

After another long pull on his cigarette, Spike replied: "What do you think I mean? Is it that she’s all I can think about? Dream about? Day and night? God, to hold her in my arms for even a moment. To have her, just once, look at me the way she used to look at you."

"You’re… pathetic, Spike."

Spike smirked. "Tell me something I don’t know, mate."

"What happened to you?"

What the hell, Spike thought, and he launched into the story. His return to Sunnydale a year and a half earlier with the intention of killing the Slayer. His capture by the Initiative. His attack on Willow and discovering he couldn’t bite anyone. Buffy and Giles taking him in when he had nowhere else to go last Thanksgiving – sure they’d tied him up, but they could have just left him outside to burn. He told the entire story, right through chaining up Buffy and declaring his love to her. He left out the last few days though. He figured Buffy wouldn’t want Angel to know about their shared kiss on her back porch. And Spike knew he wasn’t ready for anyone to find out that he was living chip-free these days.

"You chained her up? What the hell is the matter with you? Forget for a minute that you never had any chance with Buffy. Did you really think chaining her to a wall and threatening her was going to win her over?"

Spike shrugged. "Dru would have liked it."

Angel thought about that for less than a second before agreeing. "Yeah, I guess she would, but come on, Spike! Do you think Buffy is anything like Drusilla?"

"Suppose not. I guess I really made a mess of things."

"Well, it’s not like you ever really had a chance in the first place."

"It was better before. Before she knew how I felt. She came to me a few times for help. Trusted me to protect her family… Her family! You don’t know, do you?"

"Know what?"

"Buffy’s mum died. Had an aneurysm, she did. They’re having a wake tonight." It was hard for Spike to say it, but he wanted to do what was best for Buffy. "I know she wouldn’t want me there, but I bet she’d be real happy to see you."

Angel looked at Spike a little more closely. After everything he’d done in the past few months, who was he to judge someone else’s efforts to do good? Even someone like Spike. "You know… I think I believe you. You really have changed. It’s not just about that chip holding you back, is it?"

"No, it’s not. I don’t even know what I am anymore. I’m not a vampire, not really. Haven’t been for a while. I’m not human either. Don’t want to be. The only thing I know for sure is that I love Buffy and I want her to be happy. Preferably with me, but… even without me, I don’t want anything happening to her."

Angel could barely believe that this was Spike he was talking to. "This is so strange. Last time I saw you, you were having me tortured so you could get that damn ring. Now here we are, sitting and talking like old times."

"Not exactly like old times, mate. Back then, you would have been giving me pointers on how to rip out Buffy’s throat. Or you would have just gone and done it yourself. We never sat and talked like this before."

"No, I guess we haven’t."

The two vampires sat in silence for a while, not sure what else to say to each other.

After a while, Spike broke the silence. "You should go. The wake has already started by now, and Buffy would be glad to see you there."

Angel got up to go. "I do believe you’ve changed, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to trust you. You do anything, *anything* to hurt Buffy, or to put her in danger –"

Spike broke in "Yeah, yeah, I know, you’ll stake me good and proper. You and the Slayer really need to learn a few new songs."

"Just so we’re clear. All right. I’m going." Angel turned one last time. "You don’t have a soul, Spike, and, chip or no chip, staying away from evil is gonna be hard for you. I know. Sometimes, even with a soul, it’s hard for me. I don’t know if you’ll be able to keep it up, but I’m… proud of you, for trying."

As the door to his crypt closed, Spike was surprised by how much that meant to him. After Dru had turned him, he had spent years trying to gain Angel’s approval by doing the most horrible things he could think of. The only time he had ever come close to gaining a word of praise had been after he’d killed his first Slayer, when Angel had allowed that maybe Spike was finally one of them. How ironic that, after all this time, Angel’s approval had come over his attempts to turn away from the very evil that Angelus had originally taught him. For the first time ever, the man he had once considered his ‘Yoda’ approved of something he had done. It had been a long time coming, and it felt good.

After the last couple of days, Spike felt restless. He decided to go take over Buffy’s patrol. Buffy had more important things to think about tonight, and there were sure to be a few vampires or demons wandering about the streets of Sunnydale that he could eliminate for her.

Spike headed out into the cool spring evening, closing the door to his crypt behind him.

**********

The wake had begun barely 20 minutes ago, and it was already one of the worst nights of Buffy’s life.

There were so many people! All these strangers who had known her mother from the gallery, but who Buffy had never met. She was the one who had lost her mother, yet she was supposed to play hostess to all these strangers. Hello. How did you know my mother. Smile. Nod. Thanks for coming. She had already greeted at least a dozen people she had never laid eyes on before. When was she going to have some time to mourn?

After greeting one more stranger, Buffy took a moment to check on Dawn. The poor thing was sitting in the corner, just staring at the open casket. It was almost as if Dawn was trying to will their mother to get up and come back to them. Xander and Willow were sitting on either side of her, trying to talk to her, hoping to get some response, but Dawn was practically catatonic.

Buffy knelt in front of her. "Hey, sweetie. How are you doing?"

Dawn took her bloodshot eyes away from the casket and looked at Buffy. "I want Mom back."

"I know you do baby. I know you do."

The two sisters hugged. There was nothing else to say. Nothing but time would make the pain more bearable.

Buffy heard Xander say: "I don’t believe it." She looked up to see what he was talking about. He gestured toward the door, and Buffy turned to look in that direction.

Angel. Buffy could barely believe her eyes. She didn’t know how he had found out. She didn’t care. He was here. She practically ran across the room and let him wrap his arms around her.

"Buffy, I’m so sorry. I just heard."

"I’m glad you’re here."

Angel pulled away and looked at her. "How are you?"

"Oh, I’ll be okay. I’m worried about Dawn, though. She’s having a really hard time coping."

At the mention of Dawn, Angel experienced a moment of confusion. Who was Dawn? Then he noticed the young teenager sitting across the room, and all these memories came flooding into his head. The moment passed. Of course. Dawn.

Angel hugged her one more time, then he pulled away. The two former lovers went to sit in a couple of vacant seats along the back wall.

"I’ve missed you," Buffy said.

"I know. I’ve missed you, too."

"So, why don’t you come back? You said you left because you wanted me to have a normal life. Well, news flash, Angel, I’m the Slayer. I’m never gonna have a normal life. Don’t I at least deserve a chance at a happy one?"

Angel didn’t know what to say. Too many things had happened. Things that Buffy would never understand. He couldn’t tell her about Wolfram and Hart, about locking those lawyers in the wine cellar with Darla and Drusilla, about sleeping with Darla. He’d done too many things to ever go back. It was like the Host had said – he had to move on to the new place, whatever that was. Angel finally decided to tell Buffy as much of the truth as he was ready for her to hear. "I’ve got a new life in L.A. now. I help people. Cordy and Wesley have put their faith in me. I can’t just turn my back on all that."

Buffy nodded. She didn’t really have time to think about it, because a couple of new strangers had walked through the door.

She spent the next hour talking to people she didn’t know, checking on Dawn, and fuming because her father hadn’t bothered to show. Not that she’d really expected anything different from him. She had spent the summer with him after she’d killed the Master, but she’d hardly seen or spoken to him in the years since then. He was always too busy for them these days.

As angry as she was that her father wasn’t there, Buffy was also kind of relieved. One of her big fears was that her father would decide he wanted to take Dawn back to L.A. Buffy couldn’t let that happen. Losing her mother was bad enough. She didn’t think she would be able to get through this if she lost Dawn, too. For the first time, she offered a silent word of thanks to the Monks of the Order of Dagon. They had sent Dawn to her for protection, but Dawn had become so much more than a duty. She was her sister, her family. Dawn wasn’t just an obligation. She was a gift.

Buffy tore herself away from her silent contemplation long enough to exchange a few words with the last few departing mourners. Soon, the only people left were her ‘family’. Giles, who was more of a father to her than her own father had ever been, Xander and Willow, the brother and sister she’d never had and Dawn, the sister the Dagon Monks had sent her. Even Anya and Tara had stayed the whole evening.

Buffy was mildly disappointed when she noticed that Angel had slipped out without saying good-bye. Not that she was really surprised. He had always been bad at good-byes. It was so like him to leave without saying a word. She was surprised at how little it hurt this time, finding him gone. She still loved Angel. She knew a part of her would always love him, but for the first time it occurred to her that maybe she was no longer in love with him.

The whole time she’d been with Riley, she had always held a part of herself back. The part that belonged to Angel. Then, when Riley had left, she had known that it was in large part because she had never been able to give him 100%. She had worried that maybe she’d never be able to give that to anyone ever again. Now, for the first time, she thought maybe that part was gone. Angel no longer owned that particular piece of her heart. Maybe now she was really ready to fall in love again.

At that thought, she thanked the funeral director and left the funeral parlor. She and Dawn climbed into Giles’ car for the short trip home. It had been a bad day. She expected tomorrow would be just as bad, if not worse, what with the funeral and all. She decided to give herself a night off from patrolling. All she wanted to do was take a hot bath and go to sleep.