"I’m bored."

"Well, take it up with the slay... your sister. It wasn’t my idea to bring you here, you know."

"Why DID she bring us here? There's nothing to do here."

"Well, Pet, it’s a crypt... in the middle of a cemetery. It’s not blood... uh, ruddy Disneyland. And I don’t know why she brought you here. She didn’t see fit to explain it to me. All I know is that you and your mum are in some kind of danger. And I’m the only one strong enough to protect you. Did something happen?"

"I don’t know. Some weird blonde lady came over. She told me that Buffy stole her key and she wanted it back."

"Key? Was she a vampire or a demon or something like that?"

"She just looked like a regular lady to me. But Buffy was scared. I could tell."

"The Slayer was scared of this lady?"

Well, she looked pretty and she talked really nice to me, but it was that kind of nice that lets you know that they’re really mean underneath. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah Pet, I do. But did she threaten you or anything?"

"No, Buffy made me go upstairs. Then the next thing I know she says, ‘pack a bag.’ And now we’re HERE!"

"Look, Half pint, why don’t you watch a little telly? But keep it down... your mum’s asleep."

"Yeah, she does that a lot. The doctor says it’s okay though."

"That’s good. I-I really like your mum. She’s always been nice to me. Well, except for that time she tried to kill me with an ax. But that’s ancient history really."

"I remember that. Boy was she mad! Don’t you have cable?"

"Once again I repeat... NOT Disneyland!"

"Okay, I get it. Well, there’s nothing on."

"Well... do you know how to play cards? I think I have a deck. Harmony and me used to play sometimes. If she didn’t take it with her."

"Harmony was your girlfriend? EWW! How could you like her? She was SO mean. She kidnapped me, and hurt Anya’s arm and everything."

"She was a vampire. Just like me. That’s how we act. We ARE mean, a lot of the time. Fact of life."

"Harmony wasn’t nice, even when she wasn’t a vampire, Buffy said."

"Well, I didn’t know her then. What card games do you know? What about Gin?"

"All I know how to play is War."

"War? Never heard of it. Sounds bloodthirsty."

"It’s a dumb game. I learned it when I was a kid."

"Come on, I’ll challenge you. Loser gives the winner some peace and quiet."

"Yeah right... How about the loser buys the winner ice cream?

"I don’t eat ice cream."

"Oh... I have a friend like that... She’s lactose... Lactose somethingorother.

"I’m not lactose intolerant, Pet. I’m a vampire, remember?

"Oh yeah... I keep forgetting, cause you look so... normal."

"I AM normal. For a vampire. Well... fairly normal, anyhow."

"Can’t you eat any human food? I’d go crazy if I couldn’t eat ice cream or pizza."

"I can eat some protein. Like those spicy buffalo wings at the bronze. Ever have ‘em?"

"Ugh... they’re too hot for me."

"Well, why don’t you get those cards, half pint? They’re in that chest... Oh wait... I’d better get them my…"

"Why do you have pictures of Buffy in here?"

*Damn* Those? Oh... right. Well, that’s easy. They’re part of my... collection. Yeah. ‘Great Slayers of the world.’"

"Cool. Where are the rest of them? I’d like to see some pictures of other Slayers. See if they’re all as dorky as my sister."

"Oh. I forgot. Harmony took it with her. It was really HER collection. Those pictures must have fallen out of the album. Did you find the cards?"

"Uh huh. Whatever. Here they are."

"Good! So how do we play this game?"

"Well, I deal out all the cards, and then we each put down a card, and whoever has the highest card, takes them both."

"Brilliant. What happens if we both put down the same card?"

"Oh... that’s the War part. We each put three more cards face down and one more face up. Whoever has the highest card then gets all of them. Sometimes you even get double war or triple war. Whoever ends up with the most cards at the end is the winner…Well, I told you it was dumb."

"Hah... I’ve got a 10... Beat that, squirt."

"King. Oh... by the way, Aces are the highest card."

"Great. 4."

"8. So, are you going to be Buffy’s next boyfriend?"

"Who me? Not bloody likely! Uh sorry. Not use to bein’ around kids. Why... Did she say anything? About me, that is?"

"Well, she complains about you a lot."

"Yeah, well that figures. Ungrateful b…girl. After all I’ve done for her too"

"Yeah, she can be a total pain sometimes. Anyway... I guess you’re right. She’s already had a vampire boyfriend."

"Yeah, well, she’s already had a human boyfriend too. What’s left? Kangaroos?"

"You know what I mean... it didn’t work out. "

"Well, she didn’t have much luck with the human one either."

"War! Now you put down three cards and turn one over. Hee hee... I get them all."

"She still mooning and moping over soldier boy?"

"Nah, she took his pictures down though. And she kicked his sweater behind the sofa when she found it."

"Yeah, I know how that works."

"6. Are you sad that Harmony left?"

"7! Hah! Harmony? Please. That girl had the brains of a flea."

"But don’t you get lonely here all alone?"

"Vampires don’t get lonely. Besides when am I ever bloody alone? There’s always people barging in, staking me with make believe stakes, asking me bloody questions, asking me favors, bringing boatloads of relatives. Place might as well be Victoria station, for all the privacy I get."

"Look, I’m sorry we came here, okay? When is Buffy getting back?"

"Soon I hope. Look at you... You’ve got most of the cards there. I guess you win."

‘Hey, were you alive in the Civil War? We’ve been studying it in school."

"Which civil war?"

"THE Civil War! You know, Yankees and Confederates? 1860-1865. I think."

‘Well, if you’re referring to the American Civil War, then yes. But I was just a kid. I was born in 1857. And the Civil War was in America. I was in England. So I’m hardly an expert."

"Oh. I have to write an essay. I thought it would be cool to talk to somebody who was there."

"Sorry, Sprite."

"It’s kinda hard to believe that you’re really that old. "

"Yeah... .I look pretty good, don’t I? Want to play another round? I’m feeling lucky this time. I’ll deal."

"Sure, but no cheating."

"Cheating? How do you cheat at a game like this/"

"Well, once when I was playing this with Xander, when he went to the bathroom, I fixed the deck so he had all the low cards and I had all the high ones. I told him after though. It was just funny to see how he looked when I kept winning!"

"Yep. You’re the Slayer’s sister all right."

"What do ya mean by that?"

"She likes to make her own rules. Me too."

"Y’know, my mom’s been sleeping for a long time. Do you think she’s okay?"

"I just saw her change positions a few minutes ago. I think she’s fine. It’s good for her to sleep."

"I guess. It just scares me sometimes. I was so afraid she was gonna die. When she had her operation, you know? I guess you wouldn’t understand about that."

"What do ya mean I wouldn’t understand? I didn’t just drop out of the sky, you know. I was once a little kid just like you. I had a Mum and a Dad and even a little sister. Okay? Only my Dad died when I was 15, so it was mostly just my Mum and my sister and me. My Mum used to make lovely treacle tarts at Christmas. So I know about Mothers, okay?"

"You had a sister? What was her name?"

"Amanda. She had long hair like yours, only lighter. And girls used to wear it differently then. Braids mostly."

"I’ve worn mine that way. Did you get along with her? "

"Well, I was quite a bit older. She was about 15 when I... when she... well, when I became a vampire."

"Oh. What happened to them?"

"I…well, they’re dead now."

"Well, duh. It’s been like a hundred years. I mean what happened to them after you became a vampire? Did they think you were dead?"

"I WAS dead."

"God. They must have been so sad. Did you go to them? Did you tell them that it was okay, that you weren’t really dead, just alive in a different way? Maybe that would have made them feel better."

"I... I went to them…"

"Spike, what’s the matter?"

"L... Listen, I’m just gonna step outside for a smoke, okay? I’ll be right outside the front door. If you need me."

"I’m sorry... I didn’t mean get you all upset."

"It’s okay. Just leave me alone all right?"

"Spike! Spike!"

"What’s the matter? Is it your mum?"

"Spike... there’s a b... b... body!"

"Body? A dead body? I never left any dead bodies lying around. It’s... sloppy."

‘Well, I don’t know who left it... it’s just… there!"

"Where?"

"In that coffin thing. Come on Spike, I’ll show you."

*Oh Bloody Hell* For God’s sake... Can’t I leave you alone for 5 minutes without you rummaging through my stuff? It’s not a body."

"What?"

"Look, I’ll show you. It’s just a mannequin that I picked up at the dump. See? *If the slayer had given me any notice whatever before turning my place into a bloody day care center... *

"What?"

" It’s part of a project I’m doing. Sort of an abstract sculpture."

"Where’s her hair?"

"Over there."

"She’s pretty"

"Thanks. You can let go of my hand now."

"Oh... sure. It’s cold anyway. So what are you going to do with it?"

"You know…take it all apart, glue it back together, every which way. Add a few car parts and plastic bits. Give it a poncy title, like ‘Girl of my dreams’. You’ve seen those things. Maybe sell it for big bucks."

"Uh huh. You’ve got it bad haven’t you?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"For my sister."

"I told you those pictures were just... "

"I’m not ten, you know. I know what’s going on. I’ve seen you lurking around our house. You got those pictures from our basement."

"Okay... yeah. No point in having secrets with Sherlock Holmes around."

"I think it’s kind of romantic, actually."

"Look Kiddie. Don’t start getting romantic notions about me and the Slayer. She’s not interested. She’s made that clear enough. "

"Well, I don’t know WHY she doesn’t like you. I mean, I know you two used to fight a lot and all, but…"

"Dawn listen to me. I am a vampire. I am NOT a nice person. Okay? If I ever told you one tenth of the things I’ve done over the last hundred years, You wouldn’t want me as your sister’s boyfriend. Believe me."

"I DON’T believe you. You’ve been so nice to my Mom and Me. You’ve helped Buffy too. Even though she complains."

"Listen to me, Dawn, and listen good. That mother and cute little sister I told you about? Well. After I became a vampire I did go back to see them. And I killed them, okay? I murdered them in cold blood. So don’t go thinking that I’m something that I’m not, okay?"

"So, is that what you’re going to do for the rest of the evening? Just stare at me like that?"

"I want to go home."

"Listen, you knew what I was. What I am."

"B... ... but w... why?"

"Did I kill them? I don’t know. All I remember is being full of rage... Against women, against humans. I couldn’t stand to see them weeping for me."

"Are you sorry?"

"Sorry?"

"That you killed them."

"I’m a vampire. We don’t feel sorry. Think of me as a predator. Does a lion feel sorry for killing an antelope?"

"But this was like a lion killing his mother lion, and sister lion."

"But they weren’t lions, they were…wait, now you’ve got me all confused. Oh. Okay. It was like this. Like we were a family of antelopes, and then suddenly I got turned into a lion. They were just two antelopes."

"I don’t understand."

"I don’t have a conscience. Or a soul."

"Angel has a soul."

"Well, I’m not bloody wonderful Angel. The only reason Buffy trusts me to look after you and your Mum is that I have this chip in my brain that keeps me from hurting you. If I didn’t, she wouldn’t let me within a hundred miles of you."

"Would you hurt us? If you didn’t have the chip?"

"In a heartbeat. I’d have you for lunch."

"I don’t believe it."

"Oh no?"

"I’ve seen that face before. It doesn’t scare me."

"It should."

"If Buffy trusts you, then I do too."

"She trusts the chip."

"No, I don’t think so. She says you’ve changed. I heard her tell Willow that. I don’t think you would hurt us even without the chip. Because she loves us, and you love her."

"Listen, Pet. Do me a favor, okay? Don’t tell Buffy about this. Any of it, okay? I don’t want her to know."

"Sure. I’m good at secrets."

"Good."

"You want to finish that game? I think you were winning this time."

"I think your Mum is waking up. And it’s almost time for Dawson’s Creek."

"Oh cool, I forgot it was on tonight. Spike?"

"What is it now?"

"Thanks. For taking us in."

"Anytime, little one."

"I’ll be quiet now. Give you some peace."

"Good."

"Even though you didn’t win."

"Well, if Buffy ever comes and lets us out of here, I’ll get you some ice cream."

"Y’know…. I think you ARE sorry."

"Shhhh."

The End

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