Fanfiction: Sadness Fades (In Her Arms pt 3)

Sadness is what happens when I’m all alone at night. It’s what happens when no one’s around to distract me. It rivals my loneliness for dominance in my heart. Sometimes I feel like there is no one. No one for me. It’ll always just be me. Not just romantically, but with friendship as well. Like I’ll be alone forever and my heart will always be this cold.

I’ve been told that I have problems. It’s nothing new. I’ve known for years. Somewhere inside of me there’s this scared nine year old, wanting to be strong but only ever succeeding in being weak. Inside of me there’s an even younger child screaming for it all to stop. She doesn’t know what’s going on. She doesn’t know how to stop it. She has no control. It’s all been taken.

I find it interesting to note that now that I’m, more or less, an adult and have the control, I don’t use it wisely. I indulge myself. Maybe not with expensive things, but I indulge myself with pity and thinking that the world owes me.

This has no point. None what so ever, but Xander said that he wanted me to write in his journal and so I did. I guess I’m indulging him this time instead of myself. He told me to write about anything and I’m sure he’ll read this, so Hi, Xander.

I’m not nervous about you reading this. Really. I mean, I’ve told you almost everything anyway. So, what should I write? Something about slaying? No, that’s really nothing you want to read about, ‘cause well, I don’t know. Do you want to hear about it? I know that you’re not as involved as before and I know that you’d like to be. Xander, if it was up to me, I’d take you out patrolling with me all the time. But Giles has ‘expressly forbid it’. But since when did I ever listen to the voice of authority? You can come with me and we can slay side by side while talking about… stuff, I guess.

I like hanging with you, Xander. And I like that you’re staying with me now. That stuff that I wrote up top about the sadness coming when I’m all alone at night? It’s not entirely true anymore. You’re here and you just hold me and the sadness stays away. It’s because of your arms that I can sleep at night.

You know, you should go back to school soon. They’re going to call the authorities and they’ll take you away, although you know what’s interesting? I’m younger than you and no one’s come for me. Giles doesn’t even care that I live on my own. He hasn’t even offered to let me stay with him. Not that I want to, but you know what I’m saying, or writing, actually.

You should finish school. Oh! Or get your GED. That way you don’t have to go to school and you and I can just stay together without pressure from anything. Although, there is sill that pesky therapist of yours and Giles. I’ve done pretty well avoiding Giles’ questions of if I’ve seen you lately. Pretty soon he’s going to follow me and I won’t know it and I’ll lead him to you. That or he’ll just show up here.

‘Kay, so I’m looking at you now. You’re watching my screwed up TV, lying on your stomach with your legs bent at the knee and your feet dangling in the air. You’re watching the Three Stooges. You’ve got such a nice laugh, Xander. I wish I heard it more. Of course, it’s not like I’m a barrel of giggles either, but you make me laugh… in a good way.

You make me feel like I can be happy. Like there’s light somewhere in my world of darkness.

Bet you never thought I had thoughts like that, huh? Just thought I was a brain dead sexpot, huh? Just kidding. I know you don’t judge me like the rest and I know that you think more highly of me than that.

I’m going to give you a backrub now, so I’m going to stop writing. Lucky you, huh? In two ways. You get a backrub and you get me to stop writing.

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