Fanfiction: When We Find Each Other (In Her Arms pt 4)

I want to love Faith. I mean, really love her and have her love me. I mean, I just read what she’s written and it just makes me want to be as close to her as I possibly can.

I called Giles from a payphone today. That was not a good thing. I just wanted to let him know that I was okay and to tell him that he should just stop looking for me because I wasn’t getting into trouble. But he wasn’t having any of that. He just told me that I need to come “home” immediately because if I did, social services wouldn’t punish me as severely.

Like that’s going to get me to go back. Pretty much guarantee me punishment. Smart guy. I just told him that I appreciated his concern, but that I was fine and that I’m doing well and then I hung up. More and more the idea of me and Faith leaving towns sounds like a good one. We don’t need this town. We just need each other.

When her arms are around me, I feel like there is nothing wrong in the world. It’s kinda like the world narrows down to just me and her. There is nothing but us.

She has beautiful eyes. Beautiful eyebrows and such lovely lips. God, she’s really beautiful. I’m amazed that she’d even interested in me. I’m mean, I’m just Xander, one time drug addict, loser and all around fucked up guy.

You’re gone. I don’t know where, but they took you. From me, they took you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop them, Xander. I fucking hate Giles for this.

I did what Buffy’s done a number of times; I quit. I’m no longer a Slayer, at least in official terms. I broke into Giles’ apartment and got the number for the council and I called them. Told them that I quit. They weren’t happy, but they can’t stop me. I’ll kill them if they try.

I also got the rest of your stuff from his place. I have everything with me. I’m going to find out where you are, Xander, I promise and I’ll get you out. I fucking hate Giles!

How am I going to get to sleep tonight without you here? I hope you’re okay and you stay calm.

I’ll find you. Until then, I’ll write everything down in here so you can read it when you come back to me. Strike that, that makes it sound like you had a choice in leaving. You can read it when we find each other again.

I asked Dr. Leigh for another notebook, she gave me this one. Fucking bitch. “Good to see you again, Xander. You had us worried.” Fucking talking down to me like I’m a six year old with no mental abilities. I don’t even get a pen to write with. Like I’m going to slash my wrists with a fucking ink pen. Stupid bitch. They have me on suicide watch for right now.

I’m not going to kill myself. I might kill one of them, but not myself. In case someone’s taken this and is reading it, that was a joke. I’m harmless. Well, not harmless but…

I’ve been away from Faith for…fuck. I don’t know. They don’t have clocks in here and they took my watch. They took my wallet and my clothes, everything. I’m not Xander anymore. I’m just another “troubled kid”. I even have a number. Although, they were very quick to let me know that it’s not an identification number. It’s just a number to keep track of me. Um, hello? Would that NOT be an Id number? That line might work on the kids that they’ve fucked up with medication, but it doesn’t work on me.

Giles found us while we were eating. We were at Taco Bell. And doesn’t that just suck? We were at fucking Taco Bell and Giles comes storming in with two people who look like cops and they just take me. Like that. Faith was getting a refill on her drink when they came in. Stupid fuckers.

That’s it. Giles is off my Christmas list. Whatever. I’m not funny anymore. I’m just fucking sad.

When I got here they processed me and then made me sit in the group room for like three hours before they sent some twitchy kid named Billy in to talk to me. He told me that his name was Billy at least ten times and it was his birthday today.

I got invited to a party my first day in the looney bin. Yay me. I’m a socialite. Fucked up kids are just drawn to me. Billy was just so into showing me around the prison, oh, I mean hospital. “There’s the common area. You have to be good to get in there. That’s where the TV is.” Wow. “Over there is my room. I live there. It’s my room.” Oooookay. “That’s the nurses station. They keep cigarettes there. Some kids can smoke. Only if their parents say it’s okay. I don’t have parents. They killed each other.” Um, okay, thanks for sharing. “Look, there. That’s Emily. She’s got big tits.” Sigh, thank you, Billy. I didn’t quite see them. “There’s the group room.” No shit. “I like it here. The people give me stuff. It’s all for free. I haven’t told them that I’m not crazy yet. If I tell them that,” he said in between twitching, “they’ll make me leave and I don’t get anything for free.”

That little tour took about an hour. Not that the hospital is big, he walked me in circles until his birthday party started. I declined to go. He started crying and of course, everyone looked at me like I was a heartless demon.

Fuck them though. I went to my room and laid down. Although, not alone. A very nice and big orderly was assigned to watch me. I guess I could have twisted up the plastic sheets and hung myself, although it would have been easier to just suffocate myself with them. Well, never mind. There are all these tiny wholes so that I couldn’t.

After a little while Dr. Leigh came in. That’s when I asked her for a notebook and a pen. She came back with a notebook and a marker. Well, she could have brought back a crayon. If she had, I wouldn’t have used it. A big coloring marker is degrading enough.

I hated every minute of Dr. Leigh being in the room. She grilled me on every possible topic. Where was I? How was I feeling? Am I hungry? What did I do while I was with Faith. Did Faith and I have sex? How did it make me feel to stay with her? Do I love her? Do I understand why I’m here.

My answers? I was with a friend. Horrible. Nope, not hungry. I didn’t do anything but hang out and be moderately happy while I was with Faith. Yes, we shagged like bunnies, thanks for asking. It felt good to stay with her. None of your fucking business. I understand that I’m here because everyone around me has a problem.

She didn’t really like my answers. I told her to fuck off. I felt a little bad about it because she’s generally pretty nice but the fucking bitch took me from Faith.

I wonder how she is.

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