Fanfiction: When We Find Each Other (In Her Arms pt 4)

Faith and I moved. Just across town although we’ve been talking about moving farther away. Like to Seattle or something. She’s tired of having people tell her how to slay and I’m tired of…well, everything that isn’t her.

She says that because I missed my therapy appointment, Giles is asking about me more and looking for me. I have to wonder if he’s just stupid or not trying. I’m really not that hard to find. Follow Faith, find me.

I probably ought to go back to school, but I just know if I do, they’ll apprehend me and take me away. I’ve started to think of all the people wanting to help me, you know Giles, Dr. Leigh, the social workers, as kind of like the KGB. And then that makes me the spy, trying to keep uncover long enough to finish my mission and get the hell out of Dodge. The only thing is, is that I don’t know what the hell the mission is.

Here’s an interesting little thing I’ve noticed. When I’m with Faith, I don’t feel like I need drugs. But the moment she walks out the door to slay or make nice with the Scooby Gang, I have this nearly overwhelming urge to go out and buy some.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that Faith always has money. I’m not quite sure how she gets it, but she does. It’s like last night I was talking about getting a job, right? Well, she told me that I shouldn’t because she had enough to rent this little hole in the wall we call home. I’m not so sure that I want to know where she gets the money.

She wants me to get my GED and it’s not a bad idea, but that means calling someone to find out about it and scheduling it and if they find out who I am and where I am, then I’ll be taken away again and that’d suck. So I’ll do that after I turn eighteen.

But that seems so far away.

So I’m writing in your journal again. You wanted me to, so here I am. You know, I’m beginning to think that this is just a clever scheme to fill up the pages faster.

I had a horrible day today. It was all Buffy’s great. Buffy’s wonderful. Faith, can’t you be more like Buffy? She killed five vampires last night and didn’t even break a nail. Faith, we know you know where Xander is, so tell us. Buffy’s supergirl. Buffy kicks ass and you’re just Faith.

I hate it. I killed vampires last night, only you were the only one to witness me do it. Giles doesn’t even have to go out with Buffy and witness it. He just automatically believes her when she says that she kills X number of vamps.

You know, I really thought that I was going to like Sunnydale. But so far the only thing I like in this piece of crap town is you.

Oh, I told them that I did know where you were but that I hadn’t seen you in a couple days, but that you were doing okay. I’m starting to walk around in circles and double back and around when I come home. I don’t want one of them to follow me.

Willow asked about you when I said that I had seen you. So did that tall girl you said you went out with. I asked them why they were so concerned now when they didn’t give a shit about you when you were staying at Giles’. They don’t like me much. They just put up with me because I can kick their asses.

You know what we should do, Xander? We should move away from here and find some nice place to live where the vampires are stupid. We could get a bunch of occult books and I can slay and you can be my Watcher. I mean, I’ve heard stories, Xander, I know you kicked ass at research before you got into the drugs. You could do it again.

I don’t have a Watcher. I need one. The Council of Stupid Idiot Watchers in England said that Giles was my Watcher now, only he’s not. He’s Buffy’s Watcher and he’ll always be her Watcher and her Watcher only. He’s different to her than he is to me. He’s so careful with her like she’s going to break and he lets her do what she wants. With me it’s just “Faith, there’s a vampire, slay. No, your timing’s off. If I was a good Watcher, I’d start training you, but Buffy needs to wrap me around her little finger so, go, slay those vampires.”

Oh! You know where we should move to? Boston. I’ve got so many connections there. And this guy named Sean, who was a friend of Tommy’s, owns this bookstore and he could order us a bunch of books. I wonder if he knows where Tommy is. It’d be nice to find him. He’s really a great guy, Xander.

To be honest, I’m not sure what I would do if I did find him, you know? It might be cool for a little while, but then I’d start asking those questions that run around my head. Like why he left me alone with Mom and her shitty husbands and boyfriends when he knew how they were. Why didn’t he take me with him? Why didn’t he let me know where he was going? I have more questions, but those cover a lot of ground.

Okay, I’m tired and you look sleepy too, so I’m going to stop writing now. See? Look at me not writing? You have pretty eyelashes. Don’t ask me why I wrote that ‘cause I don’t know, but it’s true. You do.

I want to love Faith. I mean, really love her and have her love me. I mean, I just read what she’s written and it just makes me want to be as close to her as I possibly can.

I called Giles from a payphone today. That was not a good thing. I just wanted to let him know that I was okay and to tell him that he should just stop looking for me because I wasn’t getting into trouble. But he wasn’t having any of that. He just told me that I need to come “home” immediately because if I did, social services wouldn’t punish me as severely.

Like that’s going to get me to go back. Pretty much guarantee me punishment. Smart guy. I just told him that I appreciated his concern, but that I was fine and that I’m doing well and then I hung up. More and more the idea of me and Faith leaving towns sounds like a good one. We don’t need this town. We just need each other.

When her arms are around me, I feel like there is nothing wrong in the world. It’s kinda like the world narrows down to just me and her. There is nothing but us.

She has beautiful eyes. Beautiful eyebrows and such lovely lips. God, she’s really beautiful. I’m amazed that she’d even interested in me. I’m mean, I’m just Xander, one time drug addict, loser and all around fucked up guy.

You’re gone. I don’t know where, but they took you. From me, they took you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop them, Xander. I fucking hate Giles for this.

I did what Buffy’s done a number of times; I quit. I’m no longer a Slayer, at least in official terms. I broke into Giles’ apartment and got the number for the council and I called them. Told them that I quit. They weren’t happy, but they can’t stop me. I’ll kill them if they try.

I also got the rest of your stuff from his place. I have everything with me. I’m going to find out where you are, Xander, I promise and I’ll get you out. I fucking hate Giles!

How am I going to get to sleep tonight without you here? I hope you’re okay and you stay calm.

I’ll find you. Until then, I’ll write everything down in here so you can read it when you come back to me. Strike that, that makes it sound like you had a choice in leaving. You can read it when we find each other again.

I asked Dr. Leigh for another notebook, she gave me this one. Fucking bitch. “Good to see you again, Xander. You had us worried.” Fucking talking down to me like I’m a six year old with no mental abilities. I don’t even get a pen to write with. Like I’m going to slash my wrists with a fucking ink pen. Stupid bitch. They have me on suicide watch for right now.

I’m not going to kill myself. I might kill one of them, but not myself. In case someone’s taken this and is reading it, that was a joke. I’m harmless. Well, not harmless but…

I’ve been away from Faith for…fuck. I don’t know. They don’t have clocks in here and they took my watch. They took my wallet and my clothes, everything. I’m not Xander anymore. I’m just another “troubled kid”. I even have a number. Although, they were very quick to let me know that it’s not an identification number. It’s just a number to keep track of me. Um, hello? Would that NOT be an Id number? That line might work on the kids that they’ve fucked up with medication, but it doesn’t work on me.

Giles found us while we were eating. We were at Taco Bell. And doesn’t that just suck? We were at fucking Taco Bell and Giles comes storming in with two people who look like cops and they just take me. Like that. Faith was getting a refill on her drink when they came in. Stupid fuckers.

That’s it. Giles is off my Christmas list. Whatever. I’m not funny anymore. I’m just fucking sad.

When I got here they processed me and then made me sit in the group room for like three hours before they sent some twitchy kid named Billy in to talk to me. He told me that his name was Billy at least ten times and it was his birthday today.

I got invited to a party my first day in the looney bin. Yay me. I’m a socialite. Fucked up kids are just drawn to me. Billy was just so into showing me around the prison, oh, I mean hospital. “There’s the common area. You have to be good to get in there. That’s where the TV is.” Wow. “Over there is my room. I live there. It’s my room.” Oooookay. “That’s the nurses station. They keep cigarettes there. Some kids can smoke. Only if their parents say it’s okay. I don’t have parents. They killed each other.” Um, okay, thanks for sharing. “Look, there. That’s Emily. She’s got big tits.” Sigh, thank you, Billy. I didn’t quite see them. “There’s the group room.” No shit. “I like it here. The people give me stuff. It’s all for free. I haven’t told them that I’m not crazy yet. If I tell them that,” he said in between twitching, “they’ll make me leave and I don’t get anything for free.”

That little tour took about an hour. Not that the hospital is big, he walked me in circles until his birthday party started. I declined to go. He started crying and of course, everyone looked at me like I was a heartless demon.

Fuck them though. I went to my room and laid down. Although, not alone. A very nice and big orderly was assigned to watch me. I guess I could have twisted up the plastic sheets and hung myself, although it would have been easier to just suffocate myself with them. Well, never mind. There are all these tiny wholes so that I couldn’t.

After a little while Dr. Leigh came in. That’s when I asked her for a notebook and a pen. She came back with a notebook and a marker. Well, she could have brought back a crayon. If she had, I wouldn’t have used it. A big coloring marker is degrading enough.

I hated every minute of Dr. Leigh being in the room. She grilled me on every possible topic. Where was I? How was I feeling? Am I hungry? What did I do while I was with Faith. Did Faith and I have sex? How did it make me feel to stay with her? Do I love her? Do I understand why I’m here.

My answers? I was with a friend. Horrible. Nope, not hungry. I didn’t do anything but hang out and be moderately happy while I was with Faith. Yes, we shagged like bunnies, thanks for asking. It felt good to stay with her. None of your fucking business. I understand that I’m here because everyone around me has a problem.

She didn’t really like my answers. I told her to fuck off. I felt a little bad about it because she’s generally pretty nice but the fucking bitch took me from Faith.

I wonder how she is.

I’ve been here for a week. I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

I was in the middle of not even pretending to care about learning basket weaving when one of the nurses told me that my sister Trina was on the phone. I was fucking shocked. I haven’t heard from Trina in over two years. She lives in Germany with her husband, who is an army guy. She pretty much just forgot about everything when she got married. I’ve never been high on her list of priorities and I wondered how she even knew I was in here.

When I picked up the phone, the first thing I said was a warning that the nurses have to listen, so whatever she said would be heard by more than just me. “Whatever.” Not Trina’s voice. “Hey, Xander.” Faith, definitely Faith. How she knew I had a sister named Trina, I don’t know. I’ve never mentioned her to Faith before. “Listen,” she said before I could say anything. “I know you can’t talk long and neither can I. I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be in town soon, so be good and get a day pass, okay?”

All I could do was make a vowel sound and glance at the nurses to see if they suspected that she wasn’t my sister. They seemed rather disinterested. “Day pass?” I asked.

“Yeah, be good so they’ll allow you to go out with me during the day. I’ve left them my pager number so they’ll beep me when you get one. Try to get one soon, Xander. I want to take you somewhere where the atmosphere is gloomy and the coffee is the best.” Seattle. I knew instantly that she was talking about Seattle.

“Okay. I miss you, Trina.” I said.

“I know. I miss you too. Are you okay?” Faith asked. I could hear genuine concern. It made my heart leap.

It took a moment for me to answer. “Okay. I promise I’ll be good. I can’t wait to see you.”

“Me either. Listen, I have to go. Be good. I love you.” My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe that she had said that. I wasn’t sure if she said it to try and convince the nurses that she was my sister or if she said it as Faith. I wanted desperately to believe that Faith really loved me. Before I could say anything, she said, “I’ll see you soon.” She sounded so certain.

So now Dr. Leigh and everyone’s going to see a whole new Xander. A cooperative Xander. A Xander who does what he’s told because he really wants a day pass to see his “sister.”

I just called you. You sounded, well you sounded like you hated being there. But don’t worry, I’ll get you out. I’ve got every thing taken care of.

I’ve got us a car, which will get us to the airport. Then I’ve got tickets to Seattle on standby, sort of. There’s this demon who sort of owed me so he got tickets for us for whenever we need them. Cool, huh? You wouldn’t believe how many demons want to be your friend when you’re a rogue Slayer.

I also got a fake Id, saying that I’m Trina Gracia, formerly Harris, so that I can get you at the hospital. I just hope I look old enough. I got you a fake Id and I got another one for me too. Your name’s going to be Kyle Hendricks, okay? I’m going to be Shannon Connell. Yeah, they’re stupid and they suck, but it’s not like we’re going to need them. We won’t have to work.

I suppose you’re wondering why we won’t have to work and how I have all this money. My first Watcher was really rich, her parents were rich English people who moved to America during the Great Depression or something. So when she was killed, before I split to come to Sunnydale, I got a hold of her bankbook and passwords and stuff. I took everything out and transferred it to an account that I set up.

And when I couldn’t get to it, like when I was running or whatever, I just did odd jobs for various bad guys. They pay well when you look the other way, do your job and shut up. I still can’t use a lot it because then people would start asking questions. Although, now that I’m not a Slayer anymore, I guess I can spend as much as I want.

I’ll get you out of there, Xander. I promise. Then it’s going to be just me and you. We won’t have to put us with any of this shit. We’ll just be together.

Faith and I are together now. In Seattle. Getting out of the hospital was remarkably easy. Faith had everything planned. She just came in and got me. We went to the airport and got on a plane. A little bit later we were in Washington state in a nice apartment. Nice because it had no bugs.

She said she loved me again. Now I’m sure it wasn’t a fluke or me not hearing right. She loves me and I love her. And it’s good. Everything is good. We’re together, away from everything but each other.

She’s laying at the end of the bed right now, just watching me write. I have to go back and read all the stuff she wrote while I was away. She wrote a lot actually. But I’m not going to read it now. Right now I just want to be in her arms.

I don’t know what else to write. I don’t think I need to write anything else. It’s simple. Me. Faith. Happy.

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