A Different Life: Part 9

When Buffy got home she hesitated outside the front door. Suppose Willow was wrong? What if she’d misunderstood? Maybe Willow meant that Dawn was with her mom. She searched her mind for memories and she found them and acting on them she opened the door quickly. She didn’t think she’d believe them until she actually saw her mom for herself.

Dawn and Joyce both looked up. They were working on a puzzle. Joyce smiled. “Hi honey, you’re home early. I thought you were going to patrol first.”

Buffy swallowed past the lump in her throat. “I…I wanted to see you.” She could feel herself losing the battle to keep from crying again.

Joyce stood up and walked over to Buffy. “Buffy, what’s wrong?”

Buffy just pulled her mom into a hug and she began to cry. “I just missed you.”

Dawn made a rude noise at the table. “Right. You missed her but you couldn’t wait to get out of here so fast that you left me the dishes.”

Buffy let out a laugh in the middle of her tears. She pulled back and looked at her mom. “Sorry, I just seem to be an emotional basket case tonight.”

“Do you still need to patrol?”

The new memories were starting to become dominant and Buffy found the response fall right off her tongue. “Yes.” She held up a finger. “A Slayer who patrols every night is a like an alert watchdog, ever ready to protect its property.” She rolled her eyes. Wes had a stupid saying for everything. “I’d have to be dead or…well, let’s just say that this watchdog needs to go into protect mode if I don’t want to listen to Wes yell at me.”

“I wish you could stay home tonight, you look tired.” Joyce looked at her daughter with some concern. She had been looking tired ever since the accident but there was something else going on tonight. She looked so sad. “Did something happen tonight?”

Buffy shook her head. She knew she was acting weird. She touched her mom’s face and then moved her hand down to her throat to feel her pulse. The last time she remembered doing this, her mom’s skin had been cold and lifeless under her fingers. The pulse beat steady now. “I was just thinking about how sick you’d gotten and I just wanted to see you.”

Joyce smiled at her daughter. “Well, that’s behind us now. I’m fine, and you…well, you’re well on your way to recovery.” Joyce knew that Buffy hadn’t bounced back after her accident. Her body might be healed but Buffy was still far from well. She’d tried to talk about it with Wes to see if he knew what was wrong, if maybe the rift had caused it, or Glory had done something to her but Wes had been unconcerned. He had told her that Joyce should just leave Buffy alone and let her attend to her duties. Joyce wanted to shove those duties right up Wes’s ass.

She just didn’t know how to fight Wes. How do you fight against someone who on one hand stripped every dream away from Buffy but on the other hand made it so clear that it had all been essential to keep her alive? Joyce had seen over the years the things Buffy had to fight against. She knew she couldn’t protect Buffy from that. Wes seemed to think he could. If Joyce would let him do as he thought best. He was the one trained to keep a Slayer alive. Joyce didn’t know how to refute that, she didn’t dare. Oh, she had won a few battles here and there but ultimately when Wes threw Buffy’s life on the table Joyce backed down.

She hated him, but she depended on him to keep Buffy alive. And when Kendra had shown up it made it even harder for Joyce to win concessions for her daughter. Kendra worked much harder than Buffy did. She hadn’t joined Buffy at Sunnydale High, preferring to use that time to train and to study. Joyce really liked Sam Zabuto, Kendra’s Watcher. She had often wished that the girls could trade Watchers. Joyce was pretty sure that Wes often wished that Kendra were his Slayer. Buffy had a little too much of Joyce in her to suit Wes. No matter how hard he tried to drill it out of her, it persisted. At least it had until she’d gotten so injured. Now Buffy seemed beaten and it broke Joyce’s heart.

Buffy finally took her hand away. “Well, I guess I better go patrol.”

“You’ll be careful won’t you?”

Buffy nodded. “I’ll be careful. I promise.” Buffy looked at her mom one last time and then she headed out.

***

At her second cemetery she ran into Kendra. “Hey, fellow watchdog.”

Kendra frowned. “You mock your Watcher’s words. You shouldn’t do that. He is just trying to protect you.”

“You know what? You’ve been here for five years now. You really need to unwind now.” Buffy could tell that both her past lives were giving her a little extra attitude. She wasn’t just what this life had made her, not anymore. She tapped Kendra on the shoulder with a stake. “Like maybe you should go out with Xander one night.”

Kendra looked horrified. “No dating. You read the Slayer’s Handbook. You shouldn’t have relationships with any civilians.”

“Friends, Kendra, the word is friends. And even your Watcher says the handbook is merely a guide. He never seems to mind me having friends and I’ve heard him encourage you to go out with us. Why don’t you one night?”

“Wes does not approve.”

“Don’t you ever just want to be naughty? Run amok? Not be a Slayer?”

Kendra looked at Buffy with the same puzzled eyes she’d turned on her every time they had this conversation. “I am a Slayer. There is no time when I am not the Slayer.”

“But don’t you want to be other things, like a girlfriend, or a…” Sad thoughts of Giles intruded, “…pilot or a grocer?” At Kendra’s look Buffy shook her head. “Never mind. I’ve sort of had a bad day today.”

Kendra was perfectly willing to move on. “Do you want to finish patrolling together or split up?”

Normally Buffy would have wanted the company. Despite their philosophical differences about being the Slayer, Buffy liked Kendra and it was always good to have another Slayer around to watch your back. But tonight she needed to think. “Let’s split up. I’ll take north.” Kendra nodded and headed south.

Buffy found a crypt to lean against while she focused on the memories of this lifetime. She needed a better understanding of what had happened to her. Wishing Giles was with her, even if it was just to grill her on her SATs Buffy let out a sigh. Then she tried to focus on the good stuff. Her mom was alive and that counted for a lot. Dawn was still her sister. She still had Willow and Xander. And an even better Willow than before. A non-magic Willow.

Obviously she had still died or Kendra wouldn’t be here. Buffy furrowed her brow. Xander had been with her that night, on a regular patrol. A copy of the Codex had never made its way to her Watcher’s hands so no one knew of the prophecy. So, in this life Buffy hadn’t gone after the Master knowing she would die. Instead, she happened upon the Master and he killed her, but Xander had been hiding close by and as soon as the Master had left he had done CPR again and brought her back to life. But where was Angel? Buffy tried to piece together what happened with Angel this lifetime.

She had still kissed him in her bedroom, still discovered he was a vampire. But then that was it. No more memories. Her eyes narrowed. Except for one. Wes telling her that Angel wouldn’t be back, that he had told Angel to leave them alone or that Wes would make sure he never bothered them again. And for whatever reason, Angel had obeyed and left.

And because Angel hadn’t been around, so many bad things hadn’t happened. Spike had come to town briefly but then he had left. Buffy figured that he must have gone in search of Angel when Dru had started getting ill. Buffy had never slept with either vampire so Angelus hadn’t shown up, Jenny and her uncle hadn’t been killed, in fact Jenny had never shown up in town at all that Buffy could tell, the only reason she had shown up in Sunnydale had been because her clan had sent her to watch Angel.

The Judge had never been assembled; Acathla hadn’t created a vortex into hell. Buffy had never killed Angel or run away, Angelus hadn’t tortured Giles or anyone, Kendra hadn’t been killed, Faith hadn’t been called just to end up going rogue. And because Jenny had never come to town Willow had never learned witchcraft. So many terrible things had happened because Angel had been a part of her life. And now, none of them had happened.

Buffy made a sad sound. In an ironic kind of way Travers had been right. Giles’ love for her had rendered him incapable of clear and impartial judgment. Not in everything, but when it came to Buffy’s personal life, Giles let his love for Buffy reign supreme. Giles would never have told Angel to leave. Everyone else felt they had the right, but no one had had more right to do it than Giles. But he never had. And that was because of Buffy. Giles had been willing to bend for her, allowed himself to be persuaded by a pout, and offered her some semblance of a normal life. And Buffy had run with it and made one stupid decision after another, that Giles inevitably paid the price for.

Buffy laughed bitterly as she made another realization. Before Kendra had shown up Buffy had had to deal with the Hellmouth but she had only been marginally successful. But when Kendra had arrived and they had tackled the Hellmouth together they had managed to close it. But it had only been closed, not sealed, so at the request of Wes, Kendra was transferred to Sunnydale, in case it opened again, and her Watcher, Sam Zabuto, had moved here as well.

Buffy had asked that woman, the one that had brought her back to this life, if she would be strong enough without Giles to keep the Hellmouth closed. And the woman had said it would be sufficient. Buffy had thought that meant that she would be sufficient. But what the woman hadn’t said was that it would take two Slayers and two Watchers to do what she and Giles had been able to do on their own, more effectively.

She was weaker. She could tell. And while Giles’ absence as her Watcher may have put her in less danger and without the consequences of the stupid decisions he’d allowed her to make, it also had other ramifications. Buffy had never connected to Wes, not like she had with Giles. He was her Watcher and nothing more. He didn’t plan birthday parties for her, or talk with her if she was sad, or offer to go die in her place. It was business with Wes. And if Buffy had died, really died, he might have been sad for a short while, but then he’d have been realistic that when one Slayer dies, another is called.

He had put her through the Cruciamentum without a second’s remorse and yet Buffy’s sense of betrayal when she found out what he had done was nothing compared to the agony of when she found out what Giles’ had done. Giles had filled her life with emotion. Love, hate, trust, betrayal, gentleness, roughness, she and Giles had been all about relationship. And it added a dimension to her life she hadn’t even realized until now, when she could compare it to a life with another Watcher. Giles had made her feel real. In the midst of a surreal existence, he had made her feel. And it had made her stronger.

The pain of losing Giles again grew overwhelming. Buffy pushed away from the crypt and began to walk. Time to go kill something.

***

That evening Gwen found him sitting at home in the dark. She flipped on the light and he was sitting there, a glass of scotch in his hands, another on the table next to the bottle as if he’d been expecting company. He looked awful. She hurried to sit by him. “Ru, what’s wrong? Is this still about that girl?”

He turned to her, his eyes deadened with pain and liquor. “She’s gone. She’s vanished.” He pointed to the door. “I asked her right there. I asked her if she’d be there. I said ‘you’re not going to vanish are you’? And she laughed and promised she’d be there. But she wasn’t. She isn’t anywhere.” He took another swallow of his drink.

“Rupert, how much have you had to drink?” He sounded like a mad man.

“Not enough.”

She tried to take his drink away but he just moved it to his other hand, out of her reach. Gwen tried again. “Did Nathan remember her?”

Giles shook his head. “No one does, except for me. Even the University doesn’t have her registered. She’s vanished.”

She spoke cautiously. “You sound a little crazy.”

Giles turned to her. “I’m not. Gwen, you have to believe me. She was here.” He pointed to his bedroom. “I made love to her in there. I can still feel her, taste her. She was real. She was the one. I didn’t imagine her.” He let out a harsh moan. “Something happened. Maybe those dreams had something to do with it. Maybe you were right, maybe the Council did something, maybe it was magic. I don’t know. But she was real.” He threw his glass against the wall and it shattered. Covering his face with his hands his shoulders began to shake. Gwen pulled him into her arms and she held him while he cried.

In a while he pulled away from her and wiped his face with his hands. He just sat there shaking his head. He didn’t know where to turn; he didn’t know what to do. Looking at Gwen he repeated himself. “She was real. I swear it. And I don’t know how to find her.”

Gwen looked at him for a long time. He was her brother and the sanest person she knew. Plus even though she didn’t remember saying anything about magic or about the Council, the fact that he did made her nervous. She nodded. “All right, then. We’ll just have to work it out.” She smiled encouragingly at him but he just reached for the second cup, filled it and took a swallow, not meeting her eyes.

***

After patrol Buffy had gone home. She always went home. Wes didn’t want a report at night. He didn’t want to be bothered. Morning was soon enough for him. He liked a full night of sleep. He said it kept him sharp.

Again she thought of Giles. When he had been her Watcher he had never seemed to sleep. Buffy doubted he even thought of going to bed until he knew she was safe. She lay down on the bed, still fully clothed. A longing for Giles inundated her. She wished she had something of his. A sweater, or a picture, anything. Suddenly she sat up straight, her heart beating in her chest. They hadn’t taken away her memories of him so maybe…

She jumped off the bed and ran downstairs to find her jacket. She hadn’t thought of it but she had shown up in this life wearing the same clothes she had been wearing in London when she had been torn away from that life. Frantically going through the pockets she felt a hard piece of paper. Being careful not to rip it she pulled it out. His business card. She ran her thumb over his handwriting. He had written on it such a short time ago.

Buffy went back to her room and curled up on the bed again. Giles’ card was clasped tightly in her hands as if it might be him, as if he might suddenly appear and be in bed with her. Touching her, making her feel complete in a way she hadn’t even known existed. Her body grew warm with longing at the same time this exquisite sadness pierced her soul.

She wanted him here with her. She could practically feel him pressed against her. Suddenly Buffy looked down at her body. She let out a groan as she realized something. She had memories of sex. Of having sex with Angel, with Parker, with Riley, with Spike. In her life that took her to London she had memories of a couple of unfulfilling sexual encounters with fumbling boys before she had made love with Giles. But this body, the body in this lifetime, this body was untouched. She had not gone to college; she had never met Parker or Riley or befriended Spike, she had never met those other boys down in LA, and in this life she hadn’t been allowed to date and had found no opportunity to do otherwise. She had never slept with anyone.

And despite her memories and her longings she had never slept with Giles. A sadness swept through her and her eyes filled with tears. She looked at the card. Looking at the phone she wondered. She wondered if she could call him, just to hear his voice. There was nothing she could say to him. He’d think she was a lunatic if she tried to explain, if she tried to convince him to come to Sunnydale because they were meant to be together. That he’d already been in two of her lives and she couldn’t bear to live a third without him. He’d laugh at her and then when he realized she was serious he’d change his number.

Buffy still remembered the time difference. After Giles had left she had often kept track of what time it was there, wondering what he might be doing. She looked at the clock by her bed. It was two in the morning. That meant it would be ten in the morning, his time. He’d be at work so she’d be safe. She’d get his answering machine at home and she could just listen to his voice.

Moving to sit on her bed she reached for the phone. Buffy knew there were extra numbers she had to add but she had no idea what they were. She ended up calling an operator who placed the call for her. She sat there, her palms sweating, as the phone rang.

***

Ethan let himself in. Gwen had called him late last night and told him to get here as soon as he could. Gwen was not given to dramatics so Ethan had cancelled his plans and here he was. Ethan saw that Giles was sleeping on the couch. He walked over and crouched down near to him, looking at him. Ethan, the golden lab, was lying on the floor by the side of the couch. His tail thumped on the rug as he watched Ethan. Ethan was a familiar visitor and the dog couldn’t be bothered to actually get up. Ethan scratched him absentmindedly as he took in the scene.

Ethan could tell that all was not well. Even in his sleep Giles’ face was strained. Ethan looked at the coffee table and his eyebrows rose as he noticed the empty glass and the half empty bottle of scotch. Giles rarely drank spirits anymore. He’d have a few beers down at the pub but that was about it. Then he noticed the shattered glass on the floor and the stain of alcohol on the wall. Whatever was going on, Giles was pretty upset about it. No wonder Gwen had called him. A drunken angry Giles was not a pretty sight.

Ethan was certain that Giles should be at work. Unless this was about work. Maybe he’d been fired. Gwen hadn’t wanted to go into any specifics on the phone. The phone began to ring. Ethan made no move to answer it. He watched as the ringing slowly started to wake Giles up. Giles opened a bleary eye and grunted when he saw Ethan. They both listened as the answering machine kicked on, as his voice requested the caller to leave a message.

***

Buffy felt tears running down her face as she heard his voice. She longed for him so much she was trembling with it. When the machine beeped without even thinking she sobbed out his name. “Oh God, Giles.”

***

Giles’ eyes snapped open wide. Not wanting to take the time to find the cordless phone he leaped over the back of the couch and lunged for the phone in the hallway that was connected to the answering machine.

***

Buffy suddenly realized she had spoken. She thought she might explode from the emotions racing through her. She hung up, not able to deal with them.

***

Giles yelled for her when he picked up the phone. “Buffy? Buffy? Where are you?” The fact that it was a dial tone buzzing in his ear slowly penetrated. He stood there not knowing what to do.

Gwen came out of the guest bedroom and saw the look on her brother’s face and she saw Ethan standing there, a curious look on his face. “What is it? Who was that?”

Giles turned his head to slowly look at her. “It was Buffy. I know it was.”

Gwen smiled in relief. “She called? Where is she? What happened?” Gwen frowned as she realized that the mystery still wasn’t solved. “Why don’t any of us remember her?” She turned to Ethan. “This is what I called you about.”

Giles shook his head. “We didn’t talk. She hung up.”

Gwen gave him a look. “How do you know it was her?”

Ethan spoke. “I heard her.”

Giles turned to him in acute relief. “You heard her? You heard her voice?” He had started to wonder if he was going mad. Giles turned back to the answering machine and saw the blinking red light. “Listen.”

Giles played back the call. All she said was ‘Oh God, Giles’ but Gwen could feel her eyes fill with tears. The way she had said his name was heart rending. Whoever this was, she was as miserable as Giles. Gwen wanted so badly to believe him. “Why did she hang up? Why didn’t she talk to you?”

Giles didn’t know. He stood there looking at the phone. Then he snapped his fingers. “Gwen, what’s that number you call, that one that gives you the number of the person that just rang you?”

Gwen furrowed her brow, thinking. “It’s 1-4 something. Let me get the phone book. Before she had taken a few steps the phone rang again.

Giles grabbed for it. “Buffy?”

“No. Rupert? Is that you? It’s Nathan. I hate to bother you because you still sound under the weather but the media’s arrived. They’ve got us surrounded. They want to hear about this new dig and you usually take care of all of that.” Nathan hated the press with a passion. They made him nervous and when he was nervous he came across like a complete idiot.

Giles covered his face with his hand. He blew out a breath to try and curb his disappointment, to not scream at Nathan. “I’ll be there shortly, Nathan. Just stall them for a while.”

“Thank you. I…thank you.” Nathan hung up.

Giles kept the phone in his hand and looked at Gwen. “What’s the number you dial?”

Gwen looked at Giles sadly. “It won’t work now. It only lets you go back one number. It would just give you Nathan’s number.”

Giles stared at Gwen and then at the phone. He slammed the phone down and with one ferocious sweep of his arm Giles swept the contents of the small table crashing across the floor. The answering machine went flying and smashed against the front door. Looking down at the wreckage Giles spoke. “I have to go and take a shower.” Without another word he headed for his bedroom. Rayne passed him on the way out to see what was going on. The two dogs nosed all the new items on the floor looking to see if anything was edible.

Ethan surveyed the floor and then looked up at Gwen. His lips pursed. “Perhaps you better tell me what’s going on.”

End of Part 9