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Ice Princess already receives an icy welcome
The reviewer looks over some of the offerings coming out of Hollywood and finds himself asking the question, "Does Hollywood think we're that lame-brained?" |
 Duds dominate upcoming releases
by Lawrence Toppman
Movie Critic
I don't want to say Hollywood insults your intelligence -- well, yeah, I guess I do.
I've tried to find some highlights in the bleak schedule for the next four months, but I must conclude that 1) people greenlighting films have lamentable taste and 2) they figure you'll be so desperate to see movies that you'll watch Tommy Lee Jones as a Texas Ranger protecting college cheerleaders from a killer or Vin Diesel as a Navy Seal protecting bratty kids from enemy agents.
These movies can be summed up in one sentence so frightening anybody should plug eyes and ears. Read on to learn what Hollywood expects you to pay $8 to see.
Next Friday: Brian Levant ("Snow Dogs") directed "Are We There Yet?," a comedy about a guy (Ice Cube) who drives his girl's annoying offspring 350 miles in a day. Wow, a two-hour "Bebe's Kids"!
Jan. 28: Widower Robert De Niro learns his 9-year-old's evil imaginary friend may not be imaginary in "Hide and Seek."
Feb. 4: Nightmare-plagued Barry Watson revisits the home where "The Boogeyman" took his dad. (And nobody believed him!)
Feb. 11: No obvious turkeys.
Feb. 18: "Son of the Mask," a Jim Carrey-less sequel 11 years later, stars Jaime Kennedy as a cartoonist who protects his infant son from the angry god Loki.
Feb. 25: "Man of the House." Tommy Lee Jones, drug murder, cheerleader witnesses.
March 4: "The Pacifier." Vin Diesel, menaced children. Tagline: "Prepare for bottle."
March 11: An all-black take on "The Honeymooners" has Cedric the Entertainer and Mike Epps as Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton.
March 18: Michelle Trachtenberg ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer") becomes a champion skater in "Ice Princess" and falls in love with the Zamboni machine operator.
March 25: A toss-up. "Guess Who" inverts "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner," with white Ashton Kutcher as the suitor and black Bernie Mac as the disapproving potential father-in-law. "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous" has klutzy agent Sandra Bullock going undercover again to save kidnapped hosts of a beauty pageant.
April 1: No clear loser.
April 8: Bloodthirsty beasts menace divers trapped underwater in "The Cave." Didn't Morris Chestnut get enough of this in the "Anacondas" sequel?
April 15: "The Amityville Horror" rolls around in its ninth avatar; Melissa George and Ryan Reynolds are persecuted homeowners.
April 22: Hard to say, but I'm worried about "The Interpreter." Sean Penn plays an FBI agent, Nicole Kidman the United Nations interpreter who overhears -- wait for it -- the details of a murder!
April 29: We began with Ice Cube, and we'll end with him. He's the new renegade superagent busting up a paramilitary group in "XXX: State of the Union."
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