Chapter 1-
Buffy was fighting a nasty vampire that just would night die. This was so getting on her nerves, but what could she do, she was the slayer after and this was her destiny, even if she didn‘t like it. It was her duty and at times like this, she wished she had…’Not gonna go there. I don’t need him. I never did.’ She thought defiantly as punched the vampire in the nose.
The vampire stepped back, cupped his nose and tried to snap it back in place quickly, but Buffy managed a kick to groin, but he blocked the kick, spun her around, and punched her in the face. She reeled back momentarily and quickly got back into the fight. Kicks and punches were thrown between them and she was thrown back through the air, landing on her ass.
“Hey, so not fair!” Buffy jumped up, got a running star and sailed through air, landing a kick to the head. The demon shook it off and return many kicks and punches at Buffy. Some she blocked, some she ducked out of the way, and some managed to land on her face and her mid section, but she fought through the pain.
Irritated that the slayer wasn’t already dead, he kicked her squarely in the chest, but Buffy stood her ground. With one last spin heel kick, she sent him flying back.
“Not bad. How hard you gonna hit when you’re blowin’ in the wind?” Buffy asked sarcastically, reaching into her back pocket for her stake.
The vampire quickly rose to his feet and began his attack once again, leaping through the air with a flying kick, but she was quicker than the eye could see as she staked him right through the heart. The force from the kick connecting with her chest, send her flying backwards into a headstone. It shattered beneath her when she landed on it.
“Uh, where’s the back up when you need it.” Buffy groaned in pain as she tried getting up, but she quickly realized she had some broken bones. She didn’t want to fight getting up and stayed in place momentarily. “That was rhetorical.” Buffy pouted as she watched the spot where the vampire turn to ash, blow away in the wind.
“Ow, ow, ow, ow,” Buffy slowly rose up, holding her side as she walked home.
****
Buffy finally made it home, it was already well past dark. As she turned to walk up the walk way, she realized no one was home. For the first time, in a long time, she was glad there wasn’t a car in the driveway. She didn’t feel like being doted on. A nice bath, she thought, as she gingerly made her way up the steps, would do me good.
Gradually, Buffy pulled out her keys from her pocket, slide it into the lock, turned it, and walked in. She kicked the door shut and made her way up to her room, slowly changed out of her clothes and into her terry cloth robe. She moved slowly to the bathroom.
Buffy realized the pain had subsided a bit, and didn’t hurt quite as much, but she knew in the morning, she was gonna pay for it.
Once in the bathroom, switched on the light and very carefully walked over to the tub, plugged it, and then turned the tap on. While waiting for the water to fill, she lit a few candles and shut the light off, leaving the room in a soft, golden glow.
The slayer then removed her robe and gently slid in the tub and turned the water off. She closed her eyes and let the hot water soot her body. The few minutes of solitude was interrupted.
“You hurt?” Spike said from the doorway, breaking her train of thought. “You’re weren’t moving so well.”
Buffy opened her right eye and glanced at Spike. She sighed, but then realized he wasn’t wearing his duster. Where’s the duster? He always wears his duster. Something must be up, but please leave me out of it. I’m in no mood for it tonight. She shut her eye, took a deep breath and let it out of her mouth.
“Leave, Spike.” Buffy wasn’t in the mood to deal with their relationship. Is that what it is? “I just want to be alone tonight. Can you understand that?”
The vampire closed the door behind him and walked purposely to tube, saying, “We need to talk.”
Stealing herself, Buffy looked up at him finally. “I really don’t.” She didn’t care that she was naked. He wasn’t really looked anyway.
“Well,” Spike shook his head. “This isn’t just about you.” Why does she always make this about her? “As much as you’d like it to be, it’s not.”
Buffy closed her eyes again, willing him away. He’s so dead if he gets any closer. It was to late, he was right above her and her body tingled with delight, betraying her. “You’ve spoken,” Buffy opened her eyes and looked straight into his blue eyes, “I’ve listened. Now please leave. I’m in no mood for this shit. I’m sore as hell and I want to be alone.”
Kneeling in front of her, Spike sighed. “I’m sorry. Not that it matters anymore, but I really need you to know that.” He placed his hand on the tub. For the first time since he’d come into the bathroom, he glanced at naked form and quickly looked up at Buffy, who was watching him.
“Why?” Her voice cracked as he she watched him closely.
“Because, I-I care about you! Because I wanted…you know what, it don’t matter, but in your eyes, I‘m an evil and soulless. So nothing ever really happen for us.” He stood up and began to pace. Showing her his true feelings was hard enough.
“Then you might not try sleeping with my friends,” Buffy replied testily, but deep down, she was more than hurt. She trusted Spike, and even cared for him a little. And he did that? That was a low blow, even for him.
Spinning around, Spike shout out, “Oh come on now, I didn’t go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell.”
Rolling her eyes, Buffy thought shocked, Oh god, he was gonna use the spell on me, but he could have had me without that…Wait, did I just say that? No, that would never happen. Spike is an evil soulless demon. “You were going to use the spell on me?” She raised her eyebrow, waiting for an answer.
With a weary sigh, Buffy unstopped the tube, rose up and grabbed her robe. She no longer felt comfortable with him in such a close proximity.
“Here, let me help you with that.” Spike reached out to her as she put her robe on, but she wrenched herself away from him, ignoring the pain that suddenly flared up in her ribs.
“I am capable of doing this myself,” snapped Buffy as she glared up at Spike. “I can’t believe you, Spike. Of all the lousy things you’ve done…” She tired her robe.
“Bloody hell, no,” Spike said frustrated. “This isn’t about you, Buffy. I wanted something…” He paused placing his hand on his chest, indicating something within him, though Buffy didn’t seem to notice what he was referring to…his soul. “I wanted these feelings to stop. I’m tired of you always beating me down, using me. I wanted it to stop! But you can’t understand that. Can you?”
For the first time, Buffy actually felt sorry for this man. That is what he is, a man. She was beginning to understand that maybe sometimes things aren’t always black and white, that they may just be grey. And in this case, Spike was certainly in the grey.
He watched her momentarily, expecting her to respond, but all she could do was stare back at him in confusion. “That’s just great, slayer, just great,” he said, hurt building in his voice. He mistook her quietness to mean something entirely different, but he was just as a confused and hurt as he was.
All Spike really wanted, was for her to love him and to treat him with respect, but she couldn’t even do that. “You should have let him kill me.” He said in soft, gentle tone.
“I--I couldn’t do that,” Buffy replied, quietly.
“Why is that?” Spike’s hands were on his hips as he began to pace. “Is because you love me?” He snickered. It couldn’t possible be that!
“You know why,” Buffy moved away from him, afraid to admit how she truly felt.
“You love me, and you can’t well bloody admit it.” Spike pulled her close to him, searching her eyes for the truth. “Why do you keep lying to yourself. I see it in your eyes.”
Wrenching herself away from Spike’s grasp, Buffy said defiantly, “I don’t love you! I did have feelings for you, but they went away when you slept with Anya.”
Spike’s heart broke into a million little pieces and Buffy watched helplessly, wondering why she was doing this to him, when she didn’t mean to. Maybe it was the slayer talking, maybe, oh who knew, but she couldn’t stop herself from finishing him off.
Why am I doing this to him?
“I could never trust you enough for it to be love.” That did it. There went the last piece of his heart hitting the floor.
Spike laughed to hide the hurt. “Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy.”
This was total pressure for Buffy. She wanted to run far away from all of this. She couldn’t take it anymore. Why did love have to suck?
“Great love is wild…” Spike looked intently her in the eyes. “It’s passionate, dangerous…It burns…it consumes.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, until there’s nothing left. Love like that doesn’t last.” But how would I know, I’ve never experience love like that? What I had with Angel wasn’t anything like Spike and I have. It’s wild, dangerous, all consuming….OH god, those are Spike’s words.
Pacing back and forth, Spike glanced at her every so often, but every time he looked at her, he was even more upset with her. How could she hurt him like that and not even know what she did to him. She can’t keep fooling herself. He stopped momentarily. “I know you feel like I do. You don’t need to hid it anymore.” Spike felt desperate, more desperate than he’d ever felt. He wanted to hold her one more time, but he didn’t want to force physically into anything. This wasn’t about that. This was about how they both felt, but if she couldn’t admit it, then there wasn’t anything left for him Sunnyhell.
“Spike, please, just leave it. Does this even have to mean anything?” God, why do I keep saying these things?
“You know what, don’t even bother. I’m done being love’s bitch. I’m just….tired.” Spike turned away from her, never once looking back. “If you can’t admit to me that you love me, then there’s no reason for me to stick around.” He stormed out of the bathroom and out of the house, determined to leave everything that he’d ever loved behind.
“Spike, wait, please.” Buffy ran after him, but by the time she’d made it to the street, he was already gone in the night. She couldn’t feel him anymore and she felt more alone than she‘d ever felt. “Damn it, why the hell couldn’t I tell him the truth? Why did I have to keep hurting him?” She began to cry. She’d hurt him, the man that she loved. How could she be such a bitch?
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!