Buffy’s Birthday
Disclaimer: All of the characters contained in this story belong to Joss and ME.
Rating: NC-17!!!! Do not read if you are not old enough!!!! This story will contain GRAPHIC and EXPLICIT SEXUAL content!
Feedback: Yes please!!! Drop me an e-mail at azereal@mts.net
Summary: Takes place after DEAD THINGS. This story will contain much angst. It’s Buffy’s birthday…what happens when she goes to apologise to Spike for beating him into a bloody pulp cause she realises she was wrong?
Spoilers: Anything up to DEAD THINGS (6.13) is fair game. May go AU or may contain spoilers up to and including the finale (If you haven’t seen them by now RUN to your nearest video store and rent them. Shame on you!!!)
Thanks to Spuffyshippah for being an amazing beta.
Chapter one
“You must have missed something. Will you check again?” She was almost pleading.
“Buffy, I-I promise, there's nothing wrong with you.” She could see the concern on Tara’s face, but she just wasn’t getting it. She didn’t understand.
”There has to be! This just can't be me, it isn't me.” She felt the tears welling in her eyes but she was powerless to stop them. “Why do I feel like this?” The hot tears spilled down her cheeks. “Why do I let Spike do those things to me?” Her tears ran unchecked. ‘Why to I want him to do those things to me?’
”You mean hit you?” Tara asked.
Buffy averted her eyes and redness crept up her neck, staining her cheeks crimson. Tara’s eyes widened. “Oh. Oh, huh. Really.”
“He's everything I hate. He's everything that ... I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when ... Don't tell anyone, please.” She begged.
“I won't.” Tara said softly.
“The way they would look at me ... I just couldn't...” Buffy kept her eyes turned towards the carpet. She couldn’t look at Tara right then. She was so torn up about the feelings she was trying to deny she was having for Spike.
“I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that.”
“Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?” she whispered.
“Do you love him? I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're...”
“What? Using him? What's okay about that?”
”It's not that simple.”
”It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please... Please don't forgive me, please...” she sobbed, laying her head in Tara’s lap. “Please don't... Please don't forgive me...”
Tara stroked her hair and murmured soothing words softly.
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She waited until she was sure everyone was asleep. Padding silently into the bathroom she shut the door softly behind herself. She locked the door.
Quickly grabbing her supplies from under the sink she placed the candles, poured the sand and sat inside her circle.
Emoveo sua comitis sententia_ sua amor de sua mentis capio caecus de sua animadverto quidnam inquit profecto exsisto foras sua comitis judico tenus deinde sua animus constituo
Rough translation Remove her friends opinion of her love from her mind. Take blindness from her. To see who he really is without her friends judgements. Then she will decide.
Finishing her spell Tara smiled happily to herself, knowing she was doing the right thing. Buffy was so torn because of the situation with Spike and what her friends would think, and she was scared to trust her heart.
Tara cleaned up the bathroom and went downstairs to make up the couch.
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He sat on the chair, empty liquor bottles littered the space around him. With a weary sigh he opened another one. Taking a swig he set the bottle aside and strummed his newly acquired guitar.
He couldn’t get her out of his mind. ‘Bloody bitch. Just tryin to help her and what do I get for my troubles? Bloody beaten to a pulp and left for dead. Sod it. Don’t bloody need her anyways.’
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“I'm done.” She growled venomously. Pulling a stake from her back pocket she slowly stalked towards Spike. “Spike, you're a killer. And I shoulda done this years ago.”
Spike’s eyes locked with hers, indignant fury burning in his azure depths. “You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it.”
“What?” She barely breathed.
”End ... my ... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me ... out of a world ... that has you in it!” He yanked off his t-shirt and threw it aside. “Just kill me!”
Buffy stared at him, for a moment then raised her stake and lunged.
Spike winced. Buffy stopped at the last minute. Their eyes locked. Suddenly Spike grabbed her and hauled her against him, taking her breath away with a passionate kiss.
She lost herself in his kiss, in his mouth, the cool moistness of his tongue invading hers. Buffy pulled back after a few moments with a little noise of dismay, and brought her hand to her mouth.
Their eyes staying locked on one another they panted, she tried to ignore the intensity of his gaze.
The stake clattered to the floor as she moved towards him. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck, pulling him down to her hungry mouth.
Spike wrapped his arms around her again, holding her tightly to himself.
“Spike ... I want you.” She whispered against his mouth.
”I've gotta say something luv... 'Cause ... I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do ... the way you think ... the way you move ... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man.”
She woke with a gasp. ‘Yeah. Great start to my birthday.’
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He placed the envelope on top of the neatly wrapped gift and sighed. ‘Two more days and I’m gone from this sodden hell hole.’
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I'm gonna get you home, and you're gonna crawl in your warm comfy bed and stay there! she could practically see him standing there in front of her. I'm gonna sort this out. Trust me.
‘Where the hell did that thought come from?’ She closed her eyes and sighed. Her mind kept bringing her back.
“I have to do this. Just let me go.” She growled, trying to push past him.
“I can't. I love you.” He said softly.
“No, you don't.” She spat angrily.
“You think I haven't tried not to?” He asked stepping into her personal space.
“Try harder.” She punched him in the face as hard as she could.
He stood his ground. “You are not throwing your life away over this.”
“It's not your choice.” She said flippantly.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” He asked.
“A girl is dead because of me.”
“And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale.”
“That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body!” She could see the concern on his face, hear it in his voice and she couldn’t take it for one more minute.
He sighed. “Buffy…” She attacked him, punching him in the mouth and splitting his lip.
“You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?” She asked, almost choking on the pain.
“Why don't you explain it?” She kept the punches going.
“Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me.” She kicked him hard. “That's my girl.”
“I am not your girl!” She screamed, knocking him to the ground, and kicking him again. He didn’t even flinch. “You don't ... have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never ... be your girl!”
He looked up at her, his face swollen bloody and bruised. “You always hurt ... the one you love, pet. Buffy?” With tears in her eyes she turned and walked away from him.
“Buffy...” He tried to get up, but couldn’t and fell back onto the pavement, blacking out. She hadn’t seen him since.
“Oh god! What did I do?” She murmured. Tying her hair up she grabbed a jacket and headed out.
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He sat on the chair, strumming his guitar, he was so drunk he didn’t feel her approach, didn’t hear her push the crypt door open silently, had no idea she was standing right there when he started singing.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
Your making me insane
All I can say is
She stood there silently, watching him, his back was to her, but she could hear the tears in his voice.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
Her heart was beating wildly in her chest.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
You didn't understand
Go fix yourself
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
By the time he was done tears were flowing freely down her cheeks. “Spike?”
He stiffened, but didn’t turn to look at her. He didn’t wipe away the tears that fell while he sang. “Spike please…I’m sorry okay? I’m so sorry…”
“Save it Slayer.” He growled. “I’ll be out of your hair soon enough. Got some things to take care of then I’m out of this berg.”
“No! Spike please…I need…”
“Much as you’d like it to be not every bloody thing that happens is about your needs.”
“I know that. I do…but I want to…”
“Don’t give a bloody fig what you want. Sod off.”
“Don’t do this to me…”
“That’s the rub innit?” He kept his back to her, he knew he still looked pretty bad. “You did things to me all the time, even when I begged. I’m bloody well done begging now.”
“I’m sorry.” She whispered.
“Pfffft.” He leaned back on his chair, bringing the bottle to his lips he took a deep pull. “Too little too late.”
“I’ll tell them about us…”
“Don’t care.” He drained the bottle and threw it at the wall, smashing it to bits.
She could feel the anger welling up inside of her. She walked over to stand in front of him. “Oh my god.” The anger abated as soon as she saw the damage she had caused to his beautiful face.
She reached out to touch him, but Spike flinched back. “Don’t.”
“Just give me a chance…please…I want to make this right.” She pleaded, falling to her knees before him.
“Bit gonna be home tonight? I wanted to stop by and say good-bye.” He changed the subject.
“Yeah…she’ll be home…it’s my birthday…they were going to throw a party for me…”
“I’ll be by before the party starts, wouldn’t want your friends to get the wrong impression.”
She nodded, not sure of what else to do. “Will you…can I see you when you stop by?”
“Don’t know what for. I’ve been holed up in my crypt for a week and you haven’t bloody cared. Could have dusted there in that alley and you wouldn’t have even known. Bloody well would have if Clem hadn’t happened by and carried me home.”
She buried her face in her hands and let the tears flow freely.
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TBC…
Song used "Scars" By "Pappa Roach
Latin translation was an online dictionary. I hope it was close enough.
You know what to do! Hit review.
For those of you waiting for an update for “Will I ever” I’m just waiting to get it back from my beta.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
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AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!