Soul.
Fire.
Burning.
Burning fire,
His soul.
His soul, burning like a fire inside of him.'
Buffy.
Oh god, what had he done?
He had told Buffy about his soul. In one of the many thousands of moments in which his mind was lost to sanity, the new soul in question plagued by guilt to the point where he no longer understood anything but the burning inside of himself, he had told her. He never meant to do it. It was a pain that was his and his alone, and he was never going to share it with her. What difference would it make even if he did? She despised him, soul or no soul, and she had a right to. After all the things he had done to hundreds of people, to her, he deserved her hatred.
When she had recovered from her shock, a state that she was in long enough for him to gain pretty serious burns, she had walked to him and pulled him down from his cross, bearing his weight as he fell into her, then onto the ground at her feet. It was then that she picked him up and together, silently, they walked the length of the cemetery to his crypt.
This was where they now sat. Together. Silently, with the wreckage and rumble on the ground beneath their feet, the remnants of the destruction the previous year had given them, a symbol in more ways than he could ever imagine. He watched her as she made her way around his crypt, walking with a purpose as she collected the very few pieces of first aid equipment that that remained along with a bottle of his liquor that he was very surprised was still even there, before making her way back over to him. She sat beside him and without looking at his face, slowly traced her finger tips along the edge of one of his burns, so tenderly that he couldn’t help but shiver; he didn’t deserve her tenderness.
She saw him flinch away from her touch and she removed her fingertips from his body, suddenly back to business as she prepared the swabs she would need to clean his wounds.
“Sorry”
It was then that he spoke.
“Buffy...” He didn’t know what to say.
“Why?” It was a simple question, but the answer was anything but.
“Because sometimes I lose myself; the voices get to loud and my guilt overpowers and trace of sanity that I don’t think even existed in my mind” was his answer. He knew it wasn’t the one she was looking for, but he needed some way to explain to her why he had lost himself at the church, how they had ended up here.
“Spike... why?” He sighed.
“For you, everything, all of it, always for you. I thought it would make me a better man, someone you could learn to one day love”
Buffy began to shake her head, her eyes not meeting his as she continued to swab his wounds. He cut her off before she could speak.
“Don’t. Don’t say it, I’ve heard it all before. I know you will never love me. I know, after all the things I’ve done, what I tried to do to you, I know even if you could one day find it in yourself to love me, I would never deserve it, I’m a monster” His voice cracked as he spoke these words, but he couldn’t not say them. She needed to know how much he loved her, how he had changed for her, how that change was now killing him and how it was nothing less than what he deserved.
“I know this doesn’t change anything between us, and I’m not looking for anything from you slayer, I know things can never go back to how they were, but I needed you to know...” He stopped, unsure of what to say next.
The silence that followed was deafening.
“Spike...” After a moment, she said his name. Barely a whisper, but said in such a way that he had never heard before and he simply looked at her in curiosity.
“I love you Buffy. And I needed to show you how much my dead un-beating heart loved you, how much my soul, whether it is there or not, loves you. And as I said pet, I know this changes nothing and I don’t want it to. But I had to tell you one last time”
That was the last thing he said, and again she didn’t reply; the silence was left hanging between them.
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Soul.
Flesh.
Burning.
He had burnt his flesh and not felt a thing except the pain in his soul. Soul. He had gotten his soul back for her. He hadn’t been cursed, he had fought for it, for her.
Spike.
Oh God, what had she done? The burns that marred his flesh now were nothing compared to the pain that was tearing him apart. The dead, un-beating heart that currently rested underneath her finger tips had felt so much for her that he had risked everything simply to prove that to her. And now? Now he sat before he, explaining to her the reasons he had for getting his soul back, in a manner that was far too formal for her liking, as she tended to his wounds as though nothing between them had ever changed.
But something had changed. He had changed. She could see it in his eyes, in the rare moments she took to look into them, when the intensity of his gaze wasn’t too much for her to bear, she could see that he had changed. And he had done so for her. What had she done to him to make him do this to himself? What had they done to each other that had caused so much pain, the destruction of which was not only evident in their faces, but in the broken bits of rubble that were crumbled around their feet. And yet, here they were; together.
She didn’t know what this meant. Her mind and her heart could not process the information she had just become privy to, let alone know what it would mean for their future. Their future. After everything that had happened to them, everything they had done to each other, they couldn’t possibly have a future together. There was too much pain.
“Spike...” She said his name and knew he was watching her expectantly, waiting to see where she would go from here, but as hard as she tried, there was nothing she could say. Soul or no soul, they had no future, only a past that had left both of them in their current situation. They could never go back.
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
He had said that he still loved her, but something told her this would be the last time she heard those words from his mouth. She knew he still meant them, probably always would, but he was giving her, and himself, a chance to move on. By letting go of everything, pretended that what they had shared wasn’t real, by never saying ‘I love you’ again, he was letting her move on. They would still meet, of this she was sure, but theirs would only be a relationship based on heroics, on saving the world from the destruction that had caused each other.
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
When Buffy had finished bandaging his burns, and after it had been silent for far too long for her to feel comfortable with, she looked up and open her mouth to speak. Any words she was going to say, however, were ripped from her throat at the sight of his eyes. So blue, yet so full of pain. Pain that she had caused. He was hurting now because of her. And that was something she didn’t think she could ever take. She had caused too much pain already. She touched her fingertips to his chest, above his heart one more time, before once again meeting his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” Spike merely nodded, saying more by this gesture than words ever could. At that, she turned around and ran from the crypt. The sound of Spikes maniacal laughter and broken sobs the only thing she heard as she ran into the night, ran from the guilt that now plagued her soul.
Her soul...
Burning...
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!