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05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!


Author's Corner

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Authors Chapter Notes:
Sorry if the first part is all over the place, it's just the direction I found myself going in, hope it's not to confusing. Never fear, it'll straighten itself out very soon.

Blue Eyed Suicide

Author’s Note: This story is not fluffy. This story is full of angst and not so nice topics. Buffy and Spike’s relationship in this story is somewhat sick and filled with pain. The first few chapters are flashbacks of the first nine years of their relationship, leading to the big breakup. The following chapters will lead to the couples recovery.


Do you want to run away together?
I would say it was your best line ever
Too bad I fell for it


Sitting here, in front of computer screen, my memories haunting me, I can’t seem to get all of my thoughts straight. Nine years of my life are racing though my mind, my heart and soul screaming at me, and I can’t seem to put the feelings into words.

Every relationship as a history.

A timeline that details all the ups and downs, the hard times and the good moments.

Every relationship has a story. I like to think our story is unique.

It all started about ten years ago .

I blame his eyes for it all.

Looking back I think it was his eyes that did it. Everything else I could have resisted, but his eyes, they stunned me. The first time I saw him I was literally in shock, I couldn’t believe he was real. Sitting at my table in the very back of the club, I was impressed when he stepped up to the mike, his voice shooting through me like lightening, but the voice I could have handled, in all my years I had heard better. But then he opened his eyes, and that was the end of it for me, there was never a thought of turning back.

The bastard.

How dare he do this to me? Who the fuck told him he could do this, that he could just show up in my life one day and completely turn my world upside down?

I had been around wannabe rock stars all my life. Having a talent agent for a father kind of puts you in the middle of the whole music scene. So I considered myself pretty jaded when it came to that world. I was wrong. I was 20 years old, a junior in college studying art history, my passion. I was at a place in my life where I knew what I wanted, knew where I was going and was happy.

Spike was a roadblock, a test, something placed in my path to distract me. It worked

I had always prided myself how I reacted to the musicians my father brought around. I had never been one of those girls who swooned for drummers and panted over guitar players. Then he happened and my whole world changed.

I caved for him, let him become my everything. I was so stupid.

The story of our relationship is also the story of my wonderful downfall. The story of my descent into madness.

The story of how I went from the promising college girl to the victim, the woman that has nothing left.

Yes, every relationship has a story.

A timeline that details all the ups and downs of two people’s lives together.

There is the beginning.

The meeting of two people,

(“Well, well, well, what have we here? I don’t believe we’ve met before gorgeous. Name’s, Spike. What’s yours?”

“I’m out your league.”

“Oh, really? I’d like to challenge that, pet.”

“You’re not the first.”)

The first date,

“One date, that’s all.”

“I thought he wasn’t your type Buffy.”

“He’s not. But there’s something there. I can’t explain it.”

The middle of course.

The time when things start to go sour,

“I don’t get it, five years, five fucking years and nothing! You say you love me, you move me halfway across the fucking country to live with you, and I can’t get a simple fucking ring?!”

“Don’t fucking push me, Buffy! You know what happens when you push me!”

“Tell you little sister, you tell her, she’d better call the police, cause I’m going to kill you Buffy. You tell her.”
“I can’t explain it, he is this complete and total mess, he’s everything I’ve fought to stay the hell away from all my life and yet, I can’t stay away from him.”

“You’re too good for me, you know that right? I don’t deserve you.”

“He hit me, Wills. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end this. I can’t. I’m sick!”

“I love you, pet, you’re my world, but I can’t marry you. I just can’t. Maybe one day.”

“You’re Spike’s girlfriend, Buffy, right? Oh, honey he talks about you all the time. It just breaks his heart when you miss the shows.”

“I’m sorry pet, you know I’ve got a show this weekend, I can’t make it. You know this would be some much easier if you moved out here with me.”

“I’m moving to New York with Spike. He thinks he‘ll have a better chance of making it there. I just, I think it’ll be good for us to be together, maybe if we‘re in the same state, things will get better.”

“If you want a normal boyfriend, pet, then I’m not it. You need to understand that. I’m not good for you.”

“I don’t want normal. I want you.”

“I’m sorry, baby, I know I was wrong, I’ll never hit you again.”

“I know it sounds sick, Willow, but I think I can save him. I feel like I need to save him from himself. I can’t help it.”

And then, finally there is the end.

“So, this is it? You fucking coward?! You’re just going to walk out? Huh? Nine years and you just fucking quit on me?!”

“I’m through, Buffy, I am sick of this bullshit. I’m done.”

“Oh, that’s nice, real nice, Spike, aren’t you going to say goodbye to Idol?”

“I’ll be back for my other stuff. Eventually.”

“Willow?! Can you, can you come over, he’s gone. Spike left me.”

But sometimes the end isn’t really the end is it? Sometimes the end if just a bump in the road. That’s what I keep telling myself, I keep telling myself that this is not the real, true end. It can’t be.

This is the story of our relationship. It got messy, it got ugly, but still, it our story

I'm tired of hiding
Behind these lying eyes
I'm tired of this smile
That even I don't recognize



Lyrics from 'The Good Kind' By The Wreckers

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