Prologue:
It’s a colder day then Buffy’s ever felt on the California coast. The wind whistles past her ears, snowflakes catch in her eyelashes. She sighs and looks out at the turbulent crashing waves of the ocean through the misty white air of her breath. Her feet are bare and frozen numb as she stands at the edge of the snow covered dock. Her toes curl over the edge of the frozen wood and she wraps her arms tighter around her belly. The white fabric of her silk nightgown sticks to her skin as it begins to dampen with the moisture of the falling snow. The Slayer shivers. She looks out at the deathly depths of the sea watching the falling snow melt into the waves and then she steps off the dock.
The water is like thousands of needles piercing her flesh as she plummets beneath the sea. It’s an icy fire of pain that spreads through her, consumes her. Buffy gives her body up to the sway of the tide, gives her life up. Her arms still wrap protectively around her belly, and she holds tight as the ocean steals her last breath away with a freezing kiss.
Chapter 1: Shattered
Approximately four months earlier
Tara flips the spatula successfully turning over the first of two currently sunny-side up eggs. However, Dawn doesn’t like it when her yoke runs so these eggs are destined to be over easy and thoroughly cooked. Currently the teenager is in the shower, most likely using up all of the hot water and running through more conditioner then necessary, but she’ll be down soon scampering about the kitchen and running out the door to get a ride to school from Xander.
“Think Buffy’s mad at us or well… at me?” Willow asks.
Tara turns around to see the red witch idly poking at her breakfast while she sits at the kitchen island. She keeps her head down, staring at the wiggly yoke of her eggs as if she doesn’t want Tara to see the guilt in her eyes. Buffy has seemed even more distant the last few weeks. After she told them that she had been in Heaven it was like she finally let them see a piece of how much she’s hurting.
“You’re worried because she didn’t come home last night,” Tara says, she’s worried as well, it’s why she and Willow have skipped class this morning to make sure Dawn gets off to school okay.
“I just wish I could do something… make it better, I feel like she doesn’t even want to be around us.”
“I know… it’s just something she has to work through, a-and she will… in time,” Tara says then slides the over easy eggs on to a plate and sets them on the counter. She knows finding out that Buffy was in Heaven is something that will be hard for Willow to let go of. It’ll be hard for any of them to move past what they did, but Willow feels most responsible. “I want you to know how proud of you I am, for not turning to magic these last few weeks.”
“I can’t say I wasn’t tempted,” Willow admits and in her mind she adds that she still is. “Although if I had done a spell it probably would have just gone ka-blewey and made things worse anyway.” Willow frowns feeling like she can’t do anything right. Life would be so much easier if easy fixes really existed.
“You’re a good witch Willow, but I’m glad to see that you’re starting to understand that magic has its place.”
“I never should have brought her back.” Willow’s words are soaked with remorse.
Tara is about to tell Willow that yes they made a bad choice, a terrible mistake, but that things will get better. Eventually Buffy will cope, eventually the blissful memory of heaven will fade and she’ll remember that life is worth living; she doesn’t get the chance however as at that moment the kitchen door swings open creaking on its hinges and Buffy walks in. Both witches turn to see her slightly dishelmed and still wearing the long leather skirt and white blouse she had on the night before. Willow’s eyes light up glad to see her best friend, Tara however feels that something is wrong, and if not wrong certainly different.
“Buffy,” Willow says. “I’m glad you’re home, we were worried about you… are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Buffy replies, it isn’t true but short and hopefully enough of an answer to get everyone to stop asking her if she’s okay.
They all want her to be okay, even more so now that they know she was in Heaven. But they all want her to be okay so they can feel better about themselves, so they can feel less guilty about what they did. Buffy can’t be okay though, not yet maybe not ever, and she finds that she hates herself a little bit more every day for resenting people who care about her so. She hates this harsh place, this world where she’s so alone, so far from the encompassing warmth and love where she felt a part of something bigger.
The only person who doesn’t insist that she be okay, who doesn’t need her reassurances, need her to be there for them; the only person to offer her that feeling of being wanted and loved, to give her something, is Spike. Buffy then shakes her head trying to rid her mind of thoughts of the blonde vampire. She doesn’t want to think about the peace he gave her, doesn’t want to think about how she wants more of it.
“Buffy, a- are you sure, y-you look… was there a fight last night?” Tara stammers.
“Fight?” Buffy’s thoughts drift back to her fight with Spike, to how one moment she was punching him, adrenalin building in her veins; and then the next she was kissing him, using him to release everything that was pent up inside her. “Yeah, um… big fight, you know, the all night-er kind… but it’s fine, it’s over.” And Buffy thinks in that moment that it is over, this was a one night thing with Spike, that’s it, never again… right? “I um, I’m gonna go get some sleep.”
“Right, of course,” Willow says almost too eagerly. “You’re all beat up from monster wrestling all night, go sleep, Tara and I will make sure Dawn gets off to school alright.” Buffy nods and vanishes up the stairs without another word. Willow and Tara watch her go with concern.
--
Buffy sinks down into the soft covers of her bed now dressed in sweats and tries to get some well needed rest. Her room is as dark as it’s going to be with the bright early sun beating in through the spaces between her drapes, and Buffy tries not to think about Spike being trapped all day inside the wreckage of their… not lovemaking, of their encounter the night before; but as much as she tries to keep him out of her mind her thoughts find themselves drifting to the vampire time and time again.
She slammed him against the wall, her fist cracking the plaster as she tried to throw her arms around him and her lips crashed against his with desire, with need. She wanted to be closer to him, to feel him, to feel anything. She longed to feel connected again, connected to anything. It wasn’t long after that that he was lifting her up, the world was falling apart around them but all Buffy could focus on was the feel of his cool skin, his hard body pressed against her and his cool lips kissing her neck and… and then she took it all to the next level.
Buffy rolls over in bed and heaves a sigh before attempting sleep once again. She just wants to pretend like last night didn’t happen.
He whispered soft nothings into her ear, but she was already too far gone to understand a word of them. He made the world go away, made the pain, the despair, the hatred, all of it was gone when she was with him, and all through the night she wanted more and more of him. Spike made her forget how much she was starting to hate herself, made her forget how selfish her friends had been, made her forget everything other than the feel of his cool skin, the feel of him, the motion, the way he…
Buffy’s eyes burst open again. The last thing she wants right now is to think about him. She doesn’t want to remember last night, doesn’t want to remember how complete she felt when he filled her, doesn’t want to remember how alive she felt with a dead man. Buffy gets out of bed and heads toward the bathroom, she thinks that maybe a crisp cold shower is what she needs to get her head straight.
--
Ice cold water shoots out of the shower head and splashes in the tub. As the Slayer shrugs out of her sweats she gets a good look at her bruised body for the first time. Looking in the mirror she can see thin cuts crisscrossing her back, large bruises cover her sides and arms, and dark round marks trail up her neck. Those she will defiantly have to cover up.
Buffy steps into the shower and closes her eyes letting the cool water rush over her. As the dirt and grime run off her body Buffy starts to feel better. Streams of liquid ice run across her skin, so cold and yet soft, like hands caressing her, like his cold hands running across her skin. Buffy’s eyes snap open and she quickly turns the faucet from ice cold to steamy hot.
That stupid spell, this is all Xander’s fault for conjuring up that demon and making everyone sing and dance; before that things were… okay. She was still in pain, still hurting, hating, but she knew what everything around her meant. Her friends were her friends, selfish as they may be, and Spike was Spike, her enemy… except that he wasn’t.
They had been getting closer. Last year she had come to trust him with Dawn; to truly believe that he was on their side and she watched him fight for her, risk his life for her. Since she’d come back they’d been talking, he was the only person she really wanted to talk to, he was the only one to really listen, sure everyone else listened, but only to what they wanted to hear, Spike listened to every word and sometimes Buffy even thought he understood the pain behind those words. Even then she had sought comfort in his presence, even when the comfort he offered her was only words and an open ear.
Everyone had good intentions and it hurts her so much to think about how hard her friends were trying to do the right thing and failing completely. Spike however, his intentions were just true, not always right but true, he was honest with her. So maybe they were becoming friends, but the kissing part, the show stopping, choreographed moment where they poured their hearts out and shared the kind of kiss you only read about in romance novels or watched in movies, that was definitely Xander’s fault… the sex however, that was all her fault.
Buffy flinches, partly because she knows that she got herself into this whole thing, and partly because she can’t blame any of it on Spike. She thinks then that it would all be so much simpler if this was all just something that he did, some evil plan, some twisted scheme, but it’s not and she knows it. None the less Buffy decides that it has to end, she can’t ever sleep with him again, it’s just wrong. Even if it is the only thing that she wants, Buffy sighs with resolution and turns off the faucet.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!