...::...*Chapter One: Rough Waters*..........::.............
“You are the most infuriating, stupid, callous and arrogant guy I have ever met!”
“Yeah? Funny, luv, ‘cause I was sure that was you. Well, minus the whole guy part.” Spike scratched his chin thoughtfully as he tilted his head to study her in the moonlight glow.
Buffy threw up her hands in defeat and let out a grunt of exasperation. “Arrrgh!”
Spike grinned. “What? Did I miss something? You are a girl, right?”
Buffy glowered at him, daggers shooting from her hazel depths. “Fuck. You.”
Spike waggled his eyebrows, shoving his hands into the pockets of his duster as they walked. “Well, I’d love to but unlike some people, I follow the Ten Commandments and don’t engage in promiscuous activities.” He shoved his nose into the air proudly, winking at her.
Buffy snickered. “Ha. You. The Ten Commandments. Do you even know what they are?”
Spike scowled. “Bitch.”
“Asshole.”
“Snob.”
“Jock.”
“Cheerleader.”
“Desperate housewife.”
“PMS alert.”
“Fuck you.”
“Didn’t we already go over that, pet?” Spike laughed as she brought her arm out to thump him playfully on the arm. Then she froze. What was she doing? And with Spike? What was she doing with Spike? Was she having fun?
Not possible. This is Spike we’re talking about, she reminded herself.
But still…he made her laugh and she hadn’t felt this carefree in…well, in a long time. Ever since she had come back from…things had been really rough. Her “friends” had expected her to bounce right back to her usual self and she had felt an unusual sense of fury directed at them. She felt incredibly guilty for thinking such mean thoughts but really, they were a bunch of losers if they thought they could just bring her back and decide how her life should be lived. Buffy had been even more furious when she learned that Dawn hadn’t even known about what had been about to happen.
Devastated, Dawn had been none too prepared for the sight of her very much alive sister.
Buffy figured that maybe, if she spent more and more time away from them, they wouldn’t feel the need to stick around. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to flat out tell them all to go to hell but she was capable of knowing who her friends were and who they weren’t.
But for some unexplainable reason, Buffy still had that feeling in her stomach that if she said good-bye to these people, she would be alone. She knew it was ridiculous because Willow, Xander and Giles could never be a big enough substitute for Dawn but still, in the end, she was essentially on her own. She couldn’t share her experiences and life with Dawn the way she had with her friends. There were different relationships in her life, different parts to it. The Slayer part with the Slayer-friends and the Buffy part with the Buffy-friends.
Years ago when Buffy had still been in high school and had been fighting with her friends alongside her, she had genuinely believed that her friends liked her because she was Buffy, not because she was the Slayer. The Slayer was just an “added bonus”, as her mother phrased it. But then, as the years slowly trickled by and denial could no longer be as effective as it once was, Buffy was forced to face the music and realize how much her friends considered her the Slayer as opposed to just Buffy. It wasn’t as if they meant it. Buffy knew that much but still, if they really were her friends, wouldn’t they see her for the twenty two year old woman she was, not the descendent of an ancestry that was forever sacred in the world of the supernatural?
So back to Buffy being alone, she knew that she would have to endure the judgment and the criticism, if it meant not being alone. She knew that Spike cared for her and made her feel happy in ways that her friends could never imagine. But she feared the rejection, the disgust that would follow on her friends’ faces. The same disgust that would detach themselves from her entire existence. She was their protector, which meant she had to fulfill whatever standards they set. She had to protect them, no matter what. That was her weakness. Her humanity wept for immortality, for the numbness of emotion. She didn’t want to protect anyone but herself. But she knew that it wasn’t possible, not with the destiny she had been given, anyway.
So when Buffy realized how much fun she was having, she abruptly closed off, her lips forming a straight thin line. She was determined not to feel.
Spike noticed the change and sighed in defeat as they strode the streets of Sunnydale, on the prowl for dark creatures that threatened to harm the town’s defenseless residents.
“And there she goes….” he said softly, his voice conveying the hurt he tried to mask on his face.
But Buffy heard it and her heart ached to comfort him and assure him that he was not the problem. It was her. It had always been her. Spike had never been it.
Spike had, in fact, been the wake up call to this realization. Spike had made her realize how much of a demon she really was. Her attitude, her self-righteousness. Her whole being echoed hypocrisy and she hated it.
She hated him. She hated him for guiding her through the darkness, showing her what she really was. Whether he had meant to or not wasn’t the concern. He had done so nevertheless and now it was her turn to react.
“Spike,” she whispered, stopping their walk with a light hand on his jacket sleeve. He turned to look at her with a wary, tired expression, the hope ever-alight in his glacial blue orbs. She shivered as she lost herself in them, the way they screamed to her with devotion, love and promise. She was drowning in him, immersing herself in his existence, his whole self. She was feeling his emotions, binding herself to him as their eyes deflowered each other with an intensity that was almost stronger than physical bond.
“Buffster!”
The moment was shattered, the sound of Xander’s voice breaking through the silence that had enraptured them both.
Buffy sighed, rolling her eyes as she turned to face her friend, a smile plastered awkwardly onto her face. “Hey Xander!” she greeted him. Her voice was chipper and too bright, even to her own ears.
Willow materialized at Xander’s side with a slow, tentative smile. Ever since Buffy’s return, she wasn’t quite sure how to act around Buffy. She had just seemed so different, and Willow hadn’t been able to pinpoint exactly how or why. Willow had even felt a bit resentful. After all, here she was, saving her friend from a hell dimension and all she got was a “barely there” ghost who refused to engage in girl talk and shopping. Rude, much?
“Hey, Buffy!” Willow greeted her friend with a wide but oddly insincere smile.
Buffy nodded stiffly. “Hey.”
For the first time, they noticed Spike at her side and Xander narrowed his eyes. “What’s death boy doing here, Buff?”
Buffy looked like a deer in the headlights, not quite sure how to reply. Should she defend Spike or make up some flimsy excuse to please her friends? She threw Spike a sideways glance and saw his expression asking her the same question.
Fight or flight?
“I-I ran into him…and, uh…well, he wouldn’t leave me alone, y’know?” Buffy stuttered, her barely there reply seemingly satisfying her friends as they threw her understanding smiles of condescending sympathy of having to “deal with” Spike.
Buffy flinched inwardly when she saw the flash of hurt cross Spike’s features, before his cool mask resettled itself on the beautiful planes of his face.
“Still chasing after Buffy then, Captain Peroxide? Haven’t realized you actually need to be worth something to gain even an ounce of her attention?” Xander sneered, receiving encouraging smiles from Willow. Buffy watched this interaction with dismay, her eyes lowering themselves in shame as she refused to look at Spike.
“Right then,” Spike cleared his throat, not bothering with the boy. “I’m off.”
And with that, Buffy glanced up fleetingly to watch his duster billow out behind him as he turned on his heel and sauntered off to his crypt in Restfield. Buffy watched with sad eyes as he didn’t bother looking back and she felt that the metaphorical meaning to this was quite heartbreaking. Was he finally pulling the plug on whatever she wanted them to have? She certainly hoped not. She wasn’t ready to lose him. She wasn’t ready to lose him at all.
“So, Buffy, how’s patrol going?” Willow’s light question filled the silence that had ensued after Spike’s abrupt exit.
Oh it’s all good, y’know. You’re probably happy you don’t have to do it anymore now that I’m back. I mean really, that’s all I’m fucking good for, right bitch?
“Good.” Buffy smiled brightly at her redheaded friend and wondered idly where their respective partners were. She decided to ask them, hoping to make some conversation to assure them she wasn’t on the verge of an emotional breakdown. She figured that if she was happy enough for them, they wouldn’t suspect anything unusual. Spike had been the only one to see through her façade…and that’s what had hurt the most. Her most hated and despised arch foe could read her like an open book, but the friends she had known for a little over six years didn’t know the first thing about her. Buffy pushed the thoughts aside for her brooding time she reserved for when she was lying in her bed, her thoughts completely to herself. She preferred solitude when thinking, as opposed to drinking or talking. It was easier. You didn’t have to lie to anyone, nor did you have to worry about letting something slip.
“So where are Anya and Tara?” Buffy asked, willing her voice to sound interested in the answer.
Xander shrugged, his concern for his better half evidently empty. Buffy had always resented this. Xander never seemed to show an ounce of the care that Anya showed him. Their relationship seemed so one-sided, but really, who was she to judge? It wasn’t her life.
If only Willow and Xander could understand that about her…
Willow however pursed her lips tightly as her brow furrowed in anger. “She’s giving me the silent treatment,” she explained, her voice reflecting how silly she thought Tara was being. “Something about me abusing magic and such.” Waving her hand in a “who cares?” motion, she flashed Buffy a smile and Buffy reluctantly returned it. The only two sane, non-judgmental people in the Scooby group weren’t present because their partners were being asses.
Funny how ironic it was. The people who knew so little about her treated her best. Maybe that was the reason. They knew nothing, so they could judge nothing…
Buffy sighed inwardly as they walked home together, calling the night a relatively safe one. She threw a final, longing look back in the direction of Restfield and turned back to listen to her friends chat aimlessly about “how unfair life was” and how they “just couldn’t deal with another apocalypse”.
*****
Spike barged into his crypt, slamming the door loudly as he cursed his way to his mini fridge, willing there to be some hard liquor. He yanked open the fridge door and silently praised the Gods that sensed his distress, pulling out the bottle of Jack and spinning around in a graceful motion to veg in front of the TV with some Passions.
“Bloody Slayer can’t make up her mind,” he muttered petulantly, spinning the cap off the bottle and bringing it to his lips, savoring the bitter liquid that trickled down his throat. To his surprise however, he found Clem sleeping soundly on his favorite -and only- chair in his crypt, his head leaning on his large hand as he snored softly. Spike snickered at the amusing sight, and his laughter increased as he watched a trail of saliva drip mercilessly out of Clem’s mouth. Spike glimpsed the empty, crumpled bag of Lays and glanced fleetingly at the TV to see a muted infomercial about some sort of acne cleanser.
“Honey, I’m home!” Spike called out in a sing-song voice, hoping his volume would wake Clem up. No such luck. Spike watched with a sigh of dismay as Clem merely shifted to get more comfortable in his sleep, making a cute smacking sound with his lips as he found solace in his slumber.
“Clem!” Spike shouted, clapping his hands loudly.
Snore.
“Wake the bloody fuck up!” Spike yelled, bringing his fist to Clem’s shoulder and thumping him hard.
“I didn’t steal the Cheetos!” Clem blurted as his eyes snapped open with a sleepy haze, his arms instinctively curling outwards as his body stretched itself.
Spike laughed bitterly and folded his arms over his chest expectantly. “What’re you doing here, Clem?”
Clem glanced up at him with a hopeful glint in his warm brown eyes. “Well,” he began nervously. “I was wondering if I could kinda stay over for a couple days, y’know. Until things…die down?”
Spike narrowed his eyes, studying the anxious expression on his friend’s face. “Die down? What did you do, Clem?”
Clem sighed, running a hand over his face in a tired motion. “I kind of stole some stuff from this demon store and now they’re after me.”
Spike blinked. “Well, what did you steal?”
Clem ducked his head and murmured something incoherent.
Spike furrowed his brow and tilted his head. “Come again?”
Clem sighed again, looking at Spike with mild trepidation. “Cheetos,” he mumbled, his normally greenish-yellow skin tinged pink with embarrassment.
Spike’s eyes widened. “You stole Cheetos?” he asked, incredulous.
Clem nodded dumbly. “Yeah. I was hungry. I’ve been trying this diet you see,” he explained. “And well, my body was going into some sort of withdrawal that caused unusual amounts of waste-.”
“Enough!” Spike held up a hand, his face contorted in disgust as he momentarily closed his eyes. “You can stay, just don’t make a mess.” He looked pointedly at the empty bag of chips and the crushed cans of Coca Cola littered messily around the chair.
Clem’s eyes brightened and he nodded happily. “Sure thing, Spike!” Then his smile faltered and a frown overtook the friendly expression on his face as he studied Spike. “What’s wrong?”
Spike shrugged as he shuffled over to the sarcophagus, sitting on its top and sipping his liquor as Clem watched him from afar. “Nothing.”
Clem rolled his eyes as he stood up from his chair and bent down to collect the garbage. “Is this about the Slayer again?” He shot Spike a knowing look when he looked at Clem with surprise.
“Everything is always about the Slayer,” he explained matter-of-factly, answering Spike’s unspoken question.
Spike pouted as he took another sip of his alcohol. “Not everything,” he sulked.
Clem rolled his eyes as he dumped the trash into the garbage can and returned to his chair, looking at his friend from across the room with a sympathetic stare.
“Spike, maybe you should talk to her.”
Spike simply glowered at him. “None of your business what I do with the Slayer.”
Clem looked taken aback by his vehement response not to talk to Buffy and figured that their relationship wasn’t really…well, wasn’t much of a relationship.
Clem hated how the two were so meant to be together but couldn’t set aside their differences and try to actually progress to something other than sex partners. Clem loved Buffy and he loved Spike and he hated to see the two of them so unhappy when they could really make each other feel better about themselves. He also knew that the two shared something in common; they didn’t talk about their feelings, not to anyone but themselves. In a way, Buffy shared her feelings too, maybe not with the same openness and emotion that Spike did, but she did nonetheless. Or at least Clem supposed.
Clem sighed as he flicked the television off and turned to Spike with a sad smile. “I suppose it isn’t.” Then he yawned, realizing Spike had interrupted his sleep and nodded a goodnight to the sulking vampire as he cuddled into the chair and slowly drifted back to sleep, leaving Spike to his own thoughts.
*****
The next morning, Clem awoke to find Spike gone. Probably using the sewers to find Buffy, he decided. Clem sat lazily in the chair, enjoying the afterglow of a comfortably silent and calm morning. His thoughts strayed to the Slayer and the vampire, wondering what he could possibly do to convince them that misery wasn’t the only thing they could bring each other.
Then, Clem’s eyes lit up. Grinning, he realized what he had to do…
TBC
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!