Drowning Slowly

By Aurelia Carlisle

Chapter I:

Today, the Day



Beep...beep...beep...beep...be- SLAM!


Spike Pratt pounded the snooze button on his alarm clock. It was six a.m., December, twenty-sixth. He hung his head in his hands. Today was the day. Fighting the tears that were sure to come, he got up and searched for some clothes on the floor. He shoved on his shoes and looked in the hallway mirror. He was a mess. Deciding to forgo gel, he ran his hands through his hair and headed for his car.


If you asked him six months ago, he would have told you that his Desoto was the love of his life. But that, of course, was before her. Before Buffy Summers crashed into his life like the bombshell she was. She's his everything. He was doing this for her. That thought alone kept him from turning the car around and going back home.


When she told him the news, he didn't believe her at first. Theses things didn't happen to him. He was just a kid, for God's sake. How could things be so fucked up? Now he was going to help her fix it.


Even though he was morally against it, if it meant they could move on with their lives, he was all for it. Neither of them could do it alone. Together, they could get through this. Together, they could pretend that it never happened.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


He walked up the stairs to her apartment. He let himself in through the unlocked front door.


He found her rocking back and forth, a ball on the couch. He sat next to her and pulled her to him.


"We're gonna get through this, baby."


"I love you, you know that?"


"Yeah, luv... I know."


He helped her out to the car. They rode in silence, neither knowing what to say, so they said nothing at all. Maybe, if they didn't talk about it, then it wasn't true. But it was; painfully so.


She stared out the passenger side window, remembering the first time she laid her eyes on him. Even then, at that moment, she knew she was his. She wished she had known about this too. Then she wouldn't be going to this place. This place of death that she swore to herself she would never enter. This was hell, in its truest form.


As Spike parked the car, they could hear the angry shouts of the protestors from across the lot. They were so loud; no one could hear themselves thinking. Pushing past the group of enraged citizens, he parted the crowd so Buffy could find her way to the door. Even the thick door couldn't drown out the group's hate.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


She sat for nearly an hour before she could go to the room. There were women and couples of all ages there: a teenager, a little younger than herself, with her mother reading a magazine about architecture. An older couple, around their mid to late forties was arguing about their options. She said she was too old and not mother

material. He then told her that they might not get another chance. Then there was the girl sitting next to her, around twenty-five, who looked about four months along. She

told Buffy she was going on her fifth abortion to date. She said that abortions were her birth control since she hated taking the pill. That conversation was very short lived. She watched the overacted soap opera on the television to take her mind off of the situation. When they nurse called her name an eternity later, Spike squeezed her hand and went to follow her. She insisted that he stay there.


"This is something I have to do by myself," she reasoned. He somberly went back to his seat looking disappointed.


After about ten minutes on the hard, uncomfortable folding chair in the waiting room without her, Spike decided to take a walk and clear his head.


By the time he got outside, most of the protestors had left. He paced around the parking lot, but the motion did nothing for his frazzled nerves.


All he wanted was to be with her and make her happy. Right now she was in that clinic, under too bright lights and a scalpel and it was all his fault. He'd give

anything to take her place, spare her this pain.


But this was the only solution, the only way, and he knew it. If he couldn't take it back, then he'd try to fix it.


He got into his old, black car and drove to the pawn shop downtown. There were a few bollocks gifts he got from his extended family that he could get some cash

from. Bollocks they may be, but they were expensive all the same.


He just needed enough to get her something nice. Something that said that he's sorry and thinking of her. After the cashier gave him the stack of money from his

exchanges, he headed to the nearby grocery store.


Spike had never really been a religious person; he had prayed so hard lately that this whole mess turned out okay. That Buffy wouldn't leave him for being such a

wanker. He'd tried his best to help, but sometimes your best just isn't good enough.


A girl like Buffy, God, he knew she deserved so much better than him.


A chime sounded his entrance through the automated glass doors. He turned right and headed for the flowers section, near the back.


There were a few other guys there, obviously wooing someone or apologizing for being arses. He shared a look with one of them.


"What are you in for?" Spike asked him.


"I told her about the affair on the day her mother died. You?"


"I knocked her up and I can't afford the abortion."


"You win," he yielded, hands up.


"Bully for me then,” Spike muttered as he grabbed a bouquet of pink and red roses. They seemed decent enough.


After he paid, he got back in the car, hung his head, and wept.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Buffy stared up, above the fluorescent lights and counted the dots on the tiled ceiling to clam herself. This was the hardest decision she'd ever made in her entire

seventeen years of life. But what choice did she have?


What was she supposed to do? Raise it? Maybe. . . . No way, she didn't want to end up like her own mother: raising two kids with a deadbeat ex-husband who doesn't pay child support. She knew Spike wouldn't leave her, but she didn't want to take that risk.


They could always give the baby up for adoption. She wasn't too sure about that one. The idea of giving away her own flesh and blood to strangers seemed like too

much to take right now.


No, this was the right choice, the only way. Maybe not the popular one, but the right one for her. What baby would want her for their mother?


She had waited two months before finally making the appointment; she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. Even though she didn’t want to be pregnant she liked it. It made her feel like a woman. She created life and done as other had for centuries. She felt a connection to this child, this zygote growing inside her. She felt complete and whole. The thought of never feeling this was again frightened her. Maybe is she confided in her mother? Her mom would help her, this was her grandchild.


She jumped off of the exam table and ran out of the building. She didn't even look back when the receptionist shouted her name after her.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Spike was outside taking a quick smoke, when he heard someone charge through the clinic doors. Then he had an armful of Buffy.


"You feelin' okay, pet?" he asked concerned.


"I'm fine, William," she replied sternly, using his real name, so he'd know she was serious. "We're done here."


With that she hooked her arm around his slender waist and they headed to his car.

Drowning Slowly

By Aurelia Carlisle

Chapter II:

It's Time To Tell The Truth




When they got in the car, Spike paused then turned to Buffy.


"Oh, I nearly forgot," Spike exclaimed pulling the rose bouquet from the backseat.


She blinked and looked away, trying not to cry.


"You're too perfect," she said taking the flowers.


"No, I'm not. But thanks for sayin' it." He started up the car and drove them to a burger dinner, Willie's, their usual haunt.


She couldn’t stand to be there, was everyone looking at her? Could they tell what she had tried to do? What was going to happen now? How was she going to tell Spike? Maybe he would ask about what happened in the Clinic?


A thousand thoughts full of fear and doubt ran through Buffy’s mind. Spike was completely oblivious to her internal musings.


When the food was delivered, Buffy just picked at her fries, searching her mind for a way to ask him the biggest favor of all.


Finally it was too much, her nerves, her fear, the disgusting greasy smell of the food, she felt her stomach gurgle, cupped her hand over her mouth and sprinted to the lady's room. She vomited for so much; she thought she could have thrown up last Christmas's dinner.


Returning to the table, she avoided his concerned gaze and asked if he was finished.


Unknown to Buffy his thoughts were similar to her own. He had been so stressed he had hardly eaten any of his burger, but sadly his stomach was iron clad. He was ready to ditch this place anyway, so he readily agreed with her.


They got back in the car and Buffy fell asleep within five minutes of the drive. When they arrived at her family's apartment there was a car already parked in the

driveway.


"No," Spike whispered to himself in disbelief. Her folks were home from Charlotte three days early. He gently shook her awake and helped her up the stairs to their grim fate.


She unlocked the door and was welcomed by the sight of her mother, and step-father Giles', concerned stares. "Well, it's about time, young lady," said her mother, Joyce.


"Mom, we were just-" Buffy began, only to be cut off by Giles."Making a quick stop at the local abortion clinic? We know."


"A Susan from the Clinic just called, saying that you stormed out of an abortion clinic, of all places."


"Mom, I can explain." She took a calming breath and Spike squeezed her hand once again in support. "I was at the clinic to support Anya, being a good friend."


Her mom just rolled her eyes and Giles turned to Spike.


"Son, it's time to tell the truth."


Buffy's resolve crumbled like a faulty dam and she broke down. Spike was right there with her. He was so tired of lying.


"I've been seeing Buffy for some time now, Mrs. Summers, as you know." He took a deep breath before continuing. "When our relationship started to 'erm progress I was under the impression that she was on the pill. When she told me that the three tests she had taken were positive, she also finally decided to tell me that she was off of it at the time because of a bad reaction to it."


Joyce was horrified! “Don’t they teach you children anything in Sex Ed? Where were the condoms? You felt grown up enough to be having intercourse, but not responsible enough to use a condom? Have you been tested for STD’s, AIDS. It’s time to grow up children and get past the after school special, this is real life, with real problems!”


He took Buffy in his arms and held her closer to him. "But there's nothing to worry about now. It's been taken care of." He announced it with a grim tone but Buffy could feel the relief he felt with that statement.


Here it was, now or never, she stiffened in his arms and took a deep breath.


"Actually, Spike," she began. "We're taking care of it, him or her. I didn't get the abortion. I... I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you-"


"Oh god," he muttered, his face white as a ghost. "How could you do this without telling me, Buffy?"


Buffy despised the whinny tone his voice had taken on,

“How could you not ask about what happened, ‘while you waited in the car’?” She was incredulous.


"I'm sorry, Buffy. I just... I can't deal with this right now." He headed towards the door, throwing an 'I'll call you.' over his shoulder.


Buffy fell to her knees and sobbed.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


"And he just left?" asked her best friend, Wllow, over the phone.


"Just like that," she answered between sniffles.


"I'm sure he's just in shock. I mean you did kinda spring it on him."


"I know, but he could at least try to be supportive. He hasn't even called me."


"He's afraid, Buffy. How often does a teenage guy find out he's gonna be somebody's father? It is a big shock, for anybody."


"Yeah. I just wish he would talk to me, Wills. Not out God-knows-where. I don't know what to do. I can't do this without him, I won't!"


"I'll help you as much as I possibly can, but I think the person you should be talking to is Spike. Not that I mind!"


"It's okay, Wills. You're right."


"Glad I could help," she paused. "Are you gonna be okay, Buffy?"


Buffy looked down at her belly and covered it with her hand.


"We'll be fine," she replied before saying goodbye and hanging up. She needed to see a man about a baby.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


"Wow, man," said Spike's friend and band mate, Oz, the bassist. "That's pretty fucked up. So she just sprung it on you in front of the folks? That's bleak."


"It's her body, Oz, therefore her choice. Just 'cause Spikey over here can't keep it in his pants-" began Devon's outspoken girlfriend, Cordelia.


"Hey. Sitting right here!" shouted Spike. "And you're one to talk, Cordy. How long does it take to part your dimpled knees, eh? Ten minutes, tops?"


"Hey, fuck you, Captain Peroxide. At least I didn't knock anyone up!"


"Doesn't keep you from blabbin' about it though, does it?" at Devon's glare he yielded. "It's not like I meant for this to happen! She just looked so..."


"I know, man," sympathized Oz, thinking of Willow. "I know how it is."


"So," said Veruca, coming out of the kitchen. "What are you gonna do about it, William?"


"I'm gonna go see a lady about a baby." and with that he stood up and headed toward the door.