But if is a question that I ask and nothing more.
—Lisa Loeb, “We Could Still Belong Together”
~*~
“So this is, what, your idea of a fun time?”
Buffy threw a punch at the vamp in front of her. It was an expert right cross; she’d thrown dozens of them. It was all the same. Hell, she could map out this sort of fight by now.
Innocent couple, two vamps who thought they’d brave the risk of the Slayer finding them. First time they’d made that mistake, clearly.
And I’ll be damned if it isn’t the last.
She finished off, staking the two completely unemotionally, just glad when they were finally dust. Two down, fifteen million to go in this forsaken town, she thought sarcastically. She turned to the couple, who were clearly tourists—any native of Sunnydale knew damn good and well how stupid going outside after dark.
She jerked her head towards the well-lit street. “Get the hell home before more of them decide to eat you,” she advised, and then melted into the shadows before they could answer her—or thank her.
She hated it when people thanked her. It made her feel—wrong, somehow. Her Watcher back in Cleveland had said she must always distance herself from those she rescued. Humanity was a weakness. It was why she was a Slayer. Humanity was too weak to fight, so she had to do it for them. She couldn’t let herself become like them. She had to stay strong.
For Buffy, her Watcher’s word was law.
She stalked back to her little apartment. She’d dusted ten vamps; that was enough. She had to phone her Watcher and let him know. He’d told her that she could clean up this hellish little town only on the condition that she always reported back to him.
She didn’t mind. A Slayer is only as good as her Watcher was a maxim she’d gone by for years. And it had always served her just fine. Absolutely wonderfully.
So why was she walking around in a huge fucking circle instead of going back to report like she should have been?
Tonight wasn’t the first night, either. She’d been doing this for almost a week straight. For some reason, she’d developed a strange aversion to talking to her Watcher.
She cursed and punched a convenient wall. Who the hell was she kidding? She knew the reason.
Rupert Giles.
That was the name of the crazy school librarian who’d once been a Watcher. According to him, in some other world, he was supposed to be her Watcher—an idea she found ridiculous. He was entirely unconventional. Probably would have gotten her killed before her first year with him was out.
But no matter how much she tried to put him in his place, he kept going on about alternate realities. She’d thought she’d put him in his place that insane night she’d killed the so-called “Master”, but apparently not. He harangued her every chance he got, and it felt like part of it was starting to sink in.
She cursed again. This was not good. She felt…restless, in a way she hadn’t since right before she’d been Chosen. And she’d been a complete and total idiot back then. It was horrible. She was just lucky to have moved to Cleveland. Her Watcher had taken her under his wing, and she’d turned out to be a Slayer the whole Council could be proud of.
But that librarian’s words kept haunting her.
Not supposed to be this way. Different…happier… She’d told him that she had to live in this world, so basically to fuck off, but he hadn’t. He’d badgered her about everything, from her not going to school, despite her protestations that she knew everything she needed to, to her lack of a home.
She was only going to be in this hideous vamp town for a little while. There was no reason to settle down. That was her reason, and she repeated it even today.
So why in hell was she avoiding going back there?
Suddenly, she squared her shoulders. “I wasn’t avoiding,” she told the darkness in front of her. “I was doing a last-minute sweep. I’ve been her for three months and it’d still damn dangerous. I should be doing sweeps. That’s all.”
And then, determinedly, she began to walk towards her apartment.
If she’d looked back, she would have seen a piece of the darkness detach itself from the gloom and follow her.
~*~
“Yes, sir, I dusted ten. Yes, sir. No, sir, they were all quite young. I wouldn’t imagine that they were fledglings, however. Rescues? Two, sir. Both idiot out-of-towners…no, sir, I did not talk to them. Yes, I know. Humanity is a weakness. Of course, sir. The librarian? Yes, sir, he has continued…of course not, sir. Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Thank you. Yes, you are. Yes. I’ll so that, sir. Thank you, sir. Tomorrow. Of course, sir. Goodbye.” She hung up the phone, scowling at it in its cradle before turning to her grungy little apartment and scowling at it instead.
Her Watcher was her superior in both knowledge and skill—and, in a way, power. She should respect him. Never before had it bothered her to call him sir. Hell, that was her duty, wasn’t it? She was the Slayer, a tool of the Council, no more. Her life wasn’t going to last more than a few more years. She ought to accord her Watcher the proper respect.
Yet, the more she talked to the librarian—or, rather, the more the librarian talked at her—the more she resented all the yes-sirring she was doing. She knew she shouldn’t, but she did.
She sighed, sitting down on the bed and putting her head in her hands. “Dammit.”
“Long day?”
She was standing up with a stake out before the familiarity of the voice reached her. When she realized who it was, she relaxed—slightly. Ensouled he might be, but Angel was a vampire. She still couldn’t trust him fully.
“Quite.” Her reply was curt, and for good reason. If her Watcher found out that she’d been carousing with a vampire, even if all they ever did was talk, he’d have her killed himself. Slayers had to be predictable, obedient. If they began exhibiting erratic behavior, it was the Council’s responsibility to eliminate that Slayer and make way for the next one. That was what the Slayer Handbook said.
“Vamps?”
“Ten.”
Angel never talked much, but that was okay, because since becoming a Slayer, she didn’t either. She’d never even really talked to her mother much, and since last year, when her mother discovered the truth about Buffy’s power, they hadn’t talked at all. Buffy accepted it. Such is the life of a Slayer.
“Rough.”
“Yeah.”
Jesus freakin’ Christ, their conversation was practically a parody of itself. Buffy found herself silently wishing he would leave. Somehow, their whole relationship seemed wrong. Maybe if it had been a different Buffy, a more talkative, more innocent Buffy…
No. There is no what-if. There is no better world. This is all there is. That was what she molded her life around. Death, life, it was all the same to her. Her life was not hers. She fought as a tool for the Council. That was what always had been, always would be, and had to be now.
Such is the way of the Slayer. Another maxim.
“Buffy…” Angel hesitated, which for him wasn’t exactly unusual. He hesitated all the Goddamn time. It was actually kind of annoying, to Buffy’s way of thinking. “There’s trouble.”
“There’s always trouble,” she replied, nonplussed.
“Big trouble. I don’t know what it is, or how it’ll come, but it’s coming. Be wary.”
“Right. Trouble. Wary. Gotcha.” She nodded, a dutiful Slayer ready to fight the evil, because that was all she was. And to tell the truth, she wanted Angel gone.
“See you then.”
“Right. Bye.” She watched him leave silently.
And then, staring at the bleak brown walls of her apartment, she inexplicably felt a tear roll down her cheek.
She wiped it away immediately, of course. She was furious with herself for committing such a crime. Crying was for the weak, the human. She was not human. She was something more. She was the Slayer. Powerful and alone.
This is all there is, she reminded herself.
And yet, when she went to sleep, her pillow did not stay dry.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!