Music played throughout her room as she sobbed uncontrollably. She had all this time. So much time that she could actually stop and catch her breath. She had absolutely no reason to patrol any longer. She wasn’t alone—there were so many Slayers that she could finally take in her own life and bask. To live. Countless nights that she could get a decent night’s sleep! In fact, she could do so many things like: shopping, cleaning, and possibly go back to school or get a job…Time to live like a normal person. She had all the time in the world to do the things she’d always dreamt of doing. The possibilities were endless!
And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to care about these things she’d longed for once upon a time.
In those final moments in that cave under Sunnydale High, Buffy Anne Summers wanted to kick her own butt, repeatedly. She professed her love to a dying man—no, a vampire. No, that was what he was, not who he was—Spike.
“William…” Buffy’s lips caressed the barely whispered name with so much longing. She swallowed hard as the thought ran through her mind—he wasn’t coming back. He was dust…except…that wasn’t entirely true.
Her breath hitched as she grabbed a tissue. Gasping for air, she felt her stomach drop and her chest grow heavy with so many emotions as she crumbled to the floor. Tears streamed down her face as she blew her nose. She tossed the tissue in the wastebasket next to her. Her eyes were puffy and blood shot. She could barely breathe through her stuffy red nose, but she didn’t care. He had died and then…
Spike came back.
When she’d found out that he had come back and hadn't sought her out, it tore her heart to pieces. Her soul screamed for him, but still he didn't try to find her. He stayed away—stayed away, but with Angel. She didn't understand that at all, but given their history, she reluctantly came to the conclusion it was for the best. Her heart was aching desperately, and she knew why.
Buffy stood on shaky legs and walked over to her mini stereo. She found a CD and placed it in the disc carousel. The now quiet room was filled with an enchanting song that spoke volumes to her heart. Desperately, she tried to shut down her emotions as her finger pressed the repeat button. Her body trembled as she made her way to the door, locking it. Her pain was screaming to let go, but the agony of losing Spike, hurt too damn much. It crushed her heart when he stayed away choking her making it incredibly hard to breathe. Loving him so much...Was this how he felt when she had died and returned from being ripped from her peaceful rest?
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
Scorching tears streamed down her face as she sobbed. She knew, deep down, she was selfishly crying for herself. The voice inside her scornfully snapped that this was her own fault. She was partially to blame. She drove him away. He feared her and she knew it. He loved her so much that he let her go. Her voiced fears warned her that she was too late. There were too many mistakes made and hurt from both sides. So many words left unsaid. Oh, the things she wanted to let him know—except, her heart kept screaming, ‘you’re too late!’ Then an insistent knock pounded on her door, her sister.
She was painfully aware that she was being rather loud, but she couldn’t turn off her emotions. Throwing herself on her bed she grabbed her pillow in hopes that it would drown out some of her sobs. Yet, the knocking continued even though she tried hard to ignore it.
"Buffy, come on, open up! I’ve got good ole Ben & Jerry’s that we can mope over. Please, Buffy, open the door." Dawn pleaded.
"Go a-away! Not right n-now..." Buffy replied through her sobs, voice hoarse.
"Fine, be that way!" Dawn yelled through the door angrily even though she really was concerned for her sister. Taking one last look at the closed door she sadly turned away with her hand still resting lightly on her sister’s door. She had a mission. She needed to do something to take care of this sad-fest her sister had been going through since Andrew had returned from L.A. with that rather unstable Slayer, Dana. Dawn couldn’t help shedding her own tears as she leaned heavily against the frame of her sister’s door. Her body trembled as she too cried her own loss. She silently prayed her sister didn’t hear her. She pressed her ear towards the door listening to the muffled sobs of her sister and the resounding voice of Nickleback playing.
Sighing, she walked away with tears still blinding her vision. Wiping her face she took a deep breath even as her heart broke for her sister and herself. She would fix this if this were the last thing she did!
Buffy hiccupped and sighed, thanking whoever listened, that her sister finally left. She didn't want her sister seeing her like this, let alone knowing that she was a mess! However, the damage was done, and it only led to fatter tears rolling down her cheeks.
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
Oh, she loved him so much, it hurt. She was consumed with love for him. She laughed bitterly at the irony. It upset her tremendously that he didn't believe her. She’d really thought they would have time, but then he’d played the hero and died saving the world. And, yet again, leading her to believe: they all left her.
‘Why, what's wrong with me, he wouldn't come back to me?'
She wailed into her pillow curling into a ball. This ache wouldn't go away. She would be lying to even herself if she told someone that this was nothing in comparison to the pain Angel had caused her. This was killing her. She had loved Angel so much when she was still in her teens. At this thought her stomach grew queasy as she just realized this. It was unsettling to her that she had never looked at her relationship with Angel in this light. She had been a young girl, not yet a woman. She was so devastated by everything that happened with Angel that she’d been blinded by the truth. But Spike...Spike she loved as a woman a little too late. She had hurt Spike because she couldn’t lash out or get angry at her friends for betraying her by pulling her from her final rest, her nirvana. Geez, she’d even neglected Dawn. She twisted everything and made it all about her. He made some wrong calls during their sordid affair, but he tried. He’d taken her violent aggressiveness and loved her. He had made a wrong judgment call out of desperation, and she’d blamed him for hurting her! She’d hurt him too many times to count during their secret affair and what did he do? He went off and managed a feat no one thought possible for a demon—his soul. Her heart pounded in her chest as her breathing became erratic—her heart shattering as the music played on...
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
Pulling herself up like some automatic robot she chuckled madly at that thought. Between her tears and nonsensical laughing, she made her way to her closet. Foregoing her usual stakes she grabbed her leather duster, a duster very much like Spike's, and leaned heavily against her closet door. Straightening herself a bit, she pulled the duster on, and then went to grab her IPod. Silently she moved closer to her door and listened for her sister.
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
Still crying as the song played and hearing only silence from outside her door, she figured Dawn wasn't in the apartment. Standing above her stereo she softly sang the rest of the song through her blinding tears.
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
As the song ended a single tear slipped down onto her stereo and Buffy stared at it. Rubbing her hand over the top of the stereo she went to turn it off and sighed heavily heading for the door. He'd been too far away for far too long, and she needed him. She knew she was being reckless, but it was time…It was all she had...
Locking up she headed out the door—out the door to her destiny. She knew her friends would never understand what she was about to do, but her dreams told her differently. She hadn't had a Slayer dream since the battle with the First, but she knew that this had been a Slayer dream.
Putting the ear buds into her ears she selected a song and pressed play. She walked on and sensed he was here. Her dream wasn't wrong. She felt him like it was still the year 2000. She truly thought that she had dusted him years ago but her dream...
Stopping for a moment Buffy let the memory of the dream wash over her, and as it played out in her mind, she felt a cool breath on her neck.
"It is time Buffy," the being said.
"What happened to your accent?" Buffy asked in confusion.
"Ah, for one as old as I, you have to adapt to the times..." He whispered as goose bumps broke over her skin at his nearness to her.
"You do know what I will become, and that I won't be yours...Dracula." Buffy snorted derisively.
He sighed turning her to face him taking her IPod and ear buds by placing them in her duster’s pocket. "I know,” Dracula stated, seemingly pained by this. Staring intently, yet pleadingly at her, he whispered into her ear, “You will not dust me, will you?”
Buffy stared hard at his eyes and firmly laid down the rules with her reply. "No, but you will help me with Spike, and pay him back in interest with what you owe him."
Stepping back from Buffy he moved to the side to retrieve a briefcase, and handed it to her and spoke mildly, "With interest as you wished."
Taking the briefcase Buffy opened it and was astounded that he was being so agreeable. With questioning eyes she felt he had some ulterior motive.
"Why so agreeable Drac? What's in this for you?" Buffy demanded her voice laced with suspicion.
"I wish to not be dust. That is all. There is nothing—as you put it, in it for me. Just the pleasure of being a part of your change," Dracula said with a sigh, knowing the Powers were watching his every move. This was not a thrilling aspect to him. However—being a part of The Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s change, was something he reveled in.
"Fine, but I will be right back. I still don’t trust you enough to go behind my back taking the money while the change occurs."
Buffy hastily turned away and ran back to her apartment. Throwing the door open she went to her window and opened it. She was unsure if she would still be able to get back into her apartment. So after the dream, she installed a safe box that only she knew the combination and stored only what was needed. Placing the case inside she thought for a moment and realized he could still get into it while she was in the process of her new change.
She raced back into her room as a thought occurred to her. Taking a barrier spell she knew she placed it on the box so that only she was allowed to open it. Stepping back into her room she looked around and found the envelope that she’d addressed to her sister. She wouldn't alert her meddling friends or her ex watcher. They received nothing from her. She trusted her Dawnie though. Her sister would accept her, and it was time. The Higher Powers told her it must be done within the next two years, but she knew the time was now. It was time for the change. It was time for her to evolve and to get her man, whether he liked it or not. Well, she hoped he would. She wouldn’t force him, but she did need him for this. She silently wished to a higher power above that he would stay with her.
With a final last look, she took off and found him waiting. Her time had come and she would embrace it. There was no turning back now.
"Are you ready, Buffy?"
Staring straight ahead she replied with acceptance, "As ready as I will ever be."
Dracula nodded with a modicum of understanding and led her to her destiny.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!