Warnings: Violence, Strong Sexual Content, Adult Language, Sexual Situations. NC-17, just like the rest of my fics.
Summary: A dream is a wish your heart makes when your fast asleep or is it something more?
Continuity: BTVS S2 AU, but Spike‘s first appearance occurs during career week not school hard which never happened. All other changes are mentioned in the story
Parings: B/A appetizer but Spuffyness is definitely the main course
Disclaimer: All of the characters and places from the Buffy-verse are the property of the writers, actors and Fox. This is just my take on their work and they are in no way responsible for anything said or implied by myself.
It was a normal night…well by Sunnydale standards atleast; which meant demons and slaying. For Buffy, it also meant demons and dating. Or more accurately her waiting for Angel and him either not showing, much to her disappointment or him showing up out of nowhere. Which also usually ended with her being disappointed. She liked him; liked the way her pulse would skip when he gave her one of those rare smiles of his but what she didn’t like was the distance he insisted on keeping between them. He liked her enough to be jealous but their relationship on the whole lacked something.
Fire.
The kind of fire that coursed inside your blood and warmed your skin to the point where it felt like you were being burned alive…consumed by the passion kindled with every touch.
At first they had that…that indescribable spark that seemed to come out of nowhere but lately she could tell it was gone. His idea of love seemed to be composed of walking away, leaving her in the cold while he faded into the night. That was a perfect way to describe Angel, intangible, untouchable to the point that whatever spark they had once had, slowly began to burn itself out because they hadn‘t added anything to the fire.
It didn’t help that lately she had been having some weird dreams that she couldn’t remember when she opened her eyes but still left her feeling itchy and very hot, leaving no doubt as to there more than likely X-rated content.
But as a dream can be lovely while it lasts, once reality reasserts itself you feel nothing but empty…unfulfilled. She found herself tossing in turning in the arms of her dream lover only to wake up alone and achinging which made her more than a little cranky but also depressed. She needed to be touched, to be stroked until she knew that not only he was real but that she was as well.
So much of her life was lived in the shadows and most of her time in the sunlight was consumed by pretending to be something she wasn’t. A normal girl. She knew she was as far from normal as it got, what with her super-powers and her grand destiny to save the world or die trying. Even her friends couldn’t understand what her life was like, because they lived in the real world, the world of career week and higher education while she lived in the world of demons and nightly battles.
That was her real world, it was something she and Angel both had in common but where as she had finally learned to accept her place in the dark he still clung to the sunlight that scorned him. She had known it since the day he had saved her from Darla. His disgust with his life had been evident in every word he had uttered that night and more than anything she had wanted to ease the pain she saw in his eyes.
He was so lost, neither a man nor a monster just like she wasn’t a girl or just a Slayer. She was just Buffy and he was just Angel, which was why she had been a little stunned when he had told her that what they had, couldn’t ever be anything.
Sure she thought, swirling her straw in her soda absently, he had changed his mind about that quickly enough. They were now a full fledged, yet unofficial couple. But not a single kiss they had shared since their now infamous not-date over coffee had been nearly as powerful as that single kiss he had given her when they had agree it could never be.
That kiss had been filled with passion. They were both sure they would never be able to experience it again, so neither one of them had held anything back. In that single moment they were both honest and exposed and now they were both hiding behind their insecurities and other assorted relationship phobias. She was afraid he’d disappear for good if she asked him for more. And to be honest she didn’t really understand what his deal was but was betting that he had some noble reason for his gentlemanly behavior.
Sure he was alive when holding hands and chaste kisses were the norms in courtship but she was pretty sure a century and some, as a sadistic and insatiable vampire had given him a more liberal view of relationships. She doubted Darla settled for tiny little pecks on the cheek and damnit she didn’t want to either, Buffy thought grumpily. She wasn’t exactly experienced when it came to sex being a virgin and all but she didn’t think she was slut-girl for wanting a little hot and heavy action with her all to yummy, creature of the night, cradle robbing boyfriend!
Besides it wasn’t like she was a complete hag, Buffy thought testily, ripping her buttery croissant to shreds. She was young, blonde and limber and there were tons of guys just begging for a piece of her; Xander being at the top of the list. Or they would, she amended if the entire school wasn’t convinced she was an absolute and total freak. And if she wasn’t totally hung up on her obviously older and more than a little intimidating boyfriend.
Cringing from the unkind direction her thoughts had gone Buffy, realized she wasn’t exactly being fair to Angel. She knew that he was probably taking things excruciatingly slow to prove that he wasn’t like his demonic and soul-less alter ego Angelus but she’d already gotten the memo. Yes he was a vampire and yes he had done some very bad things but that wasn’t who he was now. So as long as he refrained from killing the innocent or other vamp hi-jinks she didn’t see what the big deal was.
She deny it if anyone asked but Xander was right…she was more than a little turned on by the whole bad boy thing Angel had going for him. She had dated nice normal guys, guys like Alec and Taylor back at Hemerly but once she realized there was more to the world than she had ever imagined she found herself drawn to the slightly darker Pike.
He was a rebel, a bad boy with a shitty attitude and a leather jacket but also a guy who understood her and had a real heart beneath that rough exterior. Unlike Tyler who only wanted his vapid and vain cheerleader status symbol, Pike had liked the real her. The girl that had suggestively sliced his hotdog when he had made a vulgar comment and had no problem telling him that his name wasn’t a name, but a kind of fish.
He didn’t want to date a cheerleader or the seemingly perfect girl everyone else wanted or wanted to be like, he wanted her. Sarcastic, bitchy, weepy, scared and all to real and human her.
If that thing with Lothos hadn’t gone down the way it did, Pike would have been her first because he refused to allow her to pretend around him. He knew she wanted him as badly as he wanted her and while they had agreed to wait until she was older, since she was only fifteen to his seventeen, she had no doubt that if he had survived he would have followed her here.
It was his death that ended up getting her sent to a mental institution for two weeks by her concerned parents. He had died and when everyone suddenly forgot the vampires that had attacked them that night, she couldn’t stand the thought of his death being covered up as a random gang attack. He had died a hero and she was afraid that if people forgot how he died, it was be the same as forgetting him.
So once she couldn’t stand the idea of being locked away because the doctors refused to believe her, she decided that if the world didn’t believe in vampires then it didn’t need a Slayer. Her friend and her Watcher had died and if it had just been gang violence, then the cops could deal with the grossly disfigure people that caused trouble after dark. She was through and while she knew it was wrong to abandon the mission that had cost their lives she couldn’t imagine having to continue on alone.
Then she had come to Sunnydale, made new friends and got a new Watcher…even a new boyfriend and found her purpose again. But she wanted more than the mission, the great hulking destiny that had taken her life once. She wanted what Pike had told her was his reason for fighting beside her.
‘Wanna know my destiny Buff, a crappy life. I have no family and my best friend was killed and turned into the fricking undead. Then I met you…fell in love with you. I can’t explain what makes you special or why I’m willing to die fighting your battles with you. But if I’m willing to die for it…it must mean I have something worth living for, right. That’s all I need to know…I’ve got something worth fighting for.'
That was passion, Buffy thought reaching up to brush away the tears that she had shed for her lost love and first true friend.
“Are you alright Buffy?” Angel asked gently, intruding on her thoughts.
She looked up at him for a moment, his face was as handsome as a renaissance painting but as neutral as a blank wall and it only further proved her concerns. It was true she might not exactly be thinking clearly because of her recent trip down memory lane but she didn’t think it had made her early thoughts less true. She was crying alone in a corner and instead of concern and love, she was being offered detached objectivity.
“No I’m really not.” Buffy said gathering up her things and getting to her feet before she could change her mind. “But I’m going to be…I hope.”
“Did something happen on patrol?” Angel asked trying to read her face. Usually she was a completely open book to him but now he couldn’t figure out what was going on in that mind of hers. That alone send a tendril of fear curling inside his gut but he clung to his rigid façade.
“No, I haven’t gone yet but that’s not important right now.” Buffy said inwardly seething because he sounded more concerned about Slayer stuff than what the girl he was dating might actually be feeling. “Angel I think we should break up.”
Angel blinked for a moment before nodding slowly. He had always known this day would come and had prepared for it but it still felt like he was losing a part of his soul. He knew someone as pure and as innocent as her would never be able to let herself fully love someone like him…a monster like him but since he couldn’t bare the thought of losing her completely he gave her a gentle smile. “I understand Buffy but I’m still willing to be your friend if you’ll let me.”
“Ya, that’s great Angel…I’ll call you.” Buffy said knowing it was snide of her but at the moment not caring. It was her choice to end things and even with her doubts and concerns it still ranked in her top ten list of gut wrenching moments.
She was more than a little in love with him and she had been hoping that the fear of losing her would finally cause him to let go of his rigidly controlled emotions and finally give her what she needed. Just a crumb, the barest smidgeon of real passion that she had been craving but once again she would be walking away disappointed.
Without another word she brushed past him before he could see the tears already gathered in her eyes begin to fall and headed out into the night.
“What’s up with the Buffster?” Xander asked a somewhat stunned or possibly constipated looking Angel. Did vampires even get constipated, he asked himself idly before going back to his more pressing concern. He had seen the two of them talking from where he and Will were dancing and anytime Buffy left like that it wasn’t a good sign. “Is it the end of the world again?”
“Not for you.” Angel said softly, carefully avoiding her best friends gazes.
“Is she alright…she looked a little upset?” Willow asked gently. “She’s been acting really down all day and she wouldn’t tell us what’s bothering her.”
Seizing the tendril of hope that Willow had unintentionally offered him, Angel met her eyes for the first time. “When I got here she was crying and when I asked what was wrong she didn’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s not that big of a surprise.” Xander said with a careless wave of his hand. “Buff’s not real big with the whole talking thing…like ever. Do I really need to remind you about the bitchy and repressed Buffy we all had the pleasure of meeting not that long ago? I‘m guessing she‘s still dealing with the fact her old buddy Ford tried to turn her over to the Anointed One. It couldn‘t have been easy for her to dust him but the G-man said she handled it alright.”
“She said something about not really sleeping well lately. So maybe she’s had one of those dreams of hers and is trying to be a big loner hero.” Willow said taking her seat, her face growing more worried with each passing second. “But Buffy would tell us if that was it…wouldn’t she? I mean maybe we’re all just overacting and everything is perfectly alright. Maybe she’s just having a bad day. We all have bad days and since the last couple of months have been hard maybe it’s just making her grumpy.”
“Breathe Will, I’m sure everything’s fine.” Xander said laying his hand on her shoulder. “Like you said she’s probably in a bad mood. It’s not like she’s doing sexy dances or acting like a crazy person. She’s just being normal Buffy only slightly less smiley. Just you wait, by this time tomorrow she’ll be snuggled up with soul-boy and we’ll spend the entire night on the dance floor to escape the dazzling smiles she’ll be handing out left and right.”
“No she won’t…she just broke up with me.” Angel said stoically, while at the same time thinking that Willow might have been right. He may have been prepared for her to end things but now that it had actually sunk in he wasn’t exactly ready to accept his fate yet.
Willow and Xander shared stunned looks before getting to their feet. “I think we need to see Giles…like now.” Xander said pulling on his jacket. He didn’t exactly like Angel…okay he hated the guy but he knew Buffy had a big old yen for him and her dumping him was right up there with rain of toads.