Car Trouble 9 – Apocalypse, When?

By the Kings of Mercia – NC17
Warnings: Will involve a character death.

Summary:
Angel – (the pillock!) has got himself kidnapped…so guess who has to come to the rescue? Throw Darla, Dru, a demon called Agromanth and a despicable plot to end the world into the mix and it’s going to be fun, fun, FUN, all the – sorry we mean, will our hero’s manage to save the day?

Chapter 1


“………Well, didn’t you say that Giles’ said Peaches has got a ‘crisis’ on which we’ve got to help him with, huh?

“Um, uh huh, Giles said he’d be over later to tell us about it.”

Giving her husband an incredulous look, Buffy continued,

“YOU actually WANT to go and help Angel now? Gods…I KNOW I must be living in Bizarro World!” she stood up from the arm of the chair, cleaning cloth in hand

“No, it’s just that now you and I are married…well that fucks with his head for a start, and hey - don’t run off, come here“ Spike snagged her shoulder and twirled her round, quickly snaking his arms around her waist and pulling her towards him

“SPIKE!”

“Well, it does!”

“I know it does! Now will you let me go – I’ve got things to do!” Buffy said this without much conviction; she didn’t struggle from his tight embrace either………

“Never let you go pet!” Spike nuzzled her neck, making Buffy close her eyes and smile, she hunched up one shoulder as he was ‘getting’ to her…

“Ahh – ooooohhhhh - S-Spike – I’ve got things to do!”

“Such as?” Spike asked between nibbling her earlobe and kissing her neck

“Th-things, house-wo-ooooohhhhh - rk!” she waved the cloth in the general vicinity of the bookcase. Spike had found the spot that made her knees go wonky…

With expert ease, he walked her back to the sofa until she couldn’t go any further, then she tumbled backwards over the arm onto the cushions, Spike followed, bracing his knee between her thighs so as not to crush her, all this while he continued to nibble and suck at her neck – getting Buffy VERY hot and bothered!

“S’only me, Buffy, are you there - oh!” Giles came into the house carrying a briefcase, and was somewhat startled to see Buffy looking slightly dishevelled, and Spike glaring at him as he struggled to stand.

Spike was just about to let rip with enough expletives to make a docker blush at being interrupted, when Buffy put her hand lightly over his mouth and pushed up to a sitting position so Spike had to stand up completely. He was frowning and he said testily,


“Bleedin’ ‘ell – and HELLO! Another one who just breezes in here unannounced without so much as a bye-your leave – bad as the whelp you are, have you HEARD of knocking?!”

“S-Sorry, um sorry... but, well, this is um, urgent!”

“Better be too!”

“Spike, go make some tea, please?” Buffy tried to placate her hubby by cupping his cheek, and Spike stopped glaring at the watcher, and looked down into his wife’s face and he smiled

“Okay baby – milk and two sugars, Rupes?”

“Please…um oh…erm…let me just sit and I can…………there, er, hold this Buffy…and these…um…I’ll put this on the coffee table…thankyou, I’ll just have those back now…right!”

Buffy shifted down the sofa until Giles had himself all sorted with his papers and case open.

“So, what’s the biggie then?”

“Um, well – if you don’t mind, I thought we’d wait for Spike”

A couple of minutes later, Spike appeared with three mugs of tea.

“Go on then Rupes…what’s the walking forehead done this time?”

“Well, Angel has been away for a week on vacation”

“Bully for him!”

“Thing is you see, he was due back night before last, and he hasn’t turned up”

“Is that all – everybody’s wetting their knickers because Peaches has gone walk-about for an extra couple o’ days?” Spike asked

“Not exactly Spike, it’s now come to light that he’s been kidnapped”

Buffy’s brows rose in surprise, and a grin appeared on Spike’s face. Laughing, he said,

“Kidnapped? - Do me a favour! What use is he to anybody? – That pillock is neither use nor ornament to anybody…is there a ransom? Say, if he HAS been kidnapped – perhaps we could just ignore it and hope they keep him – OW – what was THAT for?”

Spike glared at his wife and rubbed his knee where she’d just given him a thump.

“You know very well what that was for – IS there a ransom Giles?”

“It’s a little more serious than that I’m afraid – we know who’s kidnapped him and why, what we don’t know yet is where they are holding him”

“Go on then, not that I really give a rat’s arse – who would be stupid enough to want to put up with Mr Broody Pants for any length of time?”

Giles looked at the pair of them and said,

“Darla and Dru”

“What!” Spike sat bolt upright, Buffy blinked and said,

“So what do they want him for?”

“Well, from what Wes and I can gather from Watcher intelligence sources-“

Spike muttered something about that being an oxymoron, ‘watchers’ and ‘intelligence’!

Giles glared at him and Spike shrugged un-apologetically

“As I was saying! – From intelligence reports we think that they want to turn him back to Angelus, and raise a demon called Agromanth – he’s like the forerunner to Acathla if you like, either way it’s something very similar to it and of great evil that will suck this world into another dimension of unspeakable evil” Giles said.

Spike rolled his eyes and said angrily,

“Bleedin’ ‘ell…what does he think he’s playing at anyway – stupid wanker he is! And I can’t believe he’s allowed himself to be kidnapped by Darla and Dru – I mean god – they haven’t got an IQ that hits double figures between them…although I suppose it IS Angel we’re talking about…and what business has he taking a bloody vacation, huh? – Tell me that, stupid poof doesn’t actually DO anything to warrant a holiday – all he does is ponce around and sit and get porky behind that fucking fancy mahogany desk of his – holiday indeed!
He ought to try getting up off his fat arse and actually DOING something, get his hands dirty for a change, the bloody great, steaming, overhang forehead’ed piss-balling shit-head of a stupid wanking pillock he is!”

Spike looked at Buffy after his tirade, and saw she looked less than happy, in fact, she looked decidedly upset.

Buffy sank back into the sofa cushions, and Spike seeing her looking worried put his arm around her and said,

“Hey babe, don’t worry, we’ll sort this out together huh – I’ll be with you 100% of the way, no worries about that”

Buffy gave him a rueful smile, nodded but didn’t say anything; she just let her head rest against his shoulder drawing comfort from the fact that he was, and always would be by her side.

Chapter 2


Dru stood from watching over Angel asleep on the bed, and went to where Darla was sitting the other side of the draped off area…

“Grandmum…he’s waking up………but daddy’s so far away – when can we bring the real daddy back to us? Miss Edith says that-“

Darla had been trying to keep her temper all week, nothing seemed to be going to plan and she was on a VERY short fuse – the translator she’d got to decipher the encrypted ceremony rite was barely making headway, time was running out and to top it all Dru was going through one of her more ‘totally away with the fairies’ phases, talking in riddles and nonsense, and it just about did her head in.

“Darla. My name, is Darla – will you PLEASE call me that and not grandmum – and another thing – Miss Edith is a doll, get it? A DOLL – nothing more than bits of old cloth and stuffing, wool and buttons, so I don’t want anymore of this Miss Edith says garbage okay…………I SAID OKAY!” Darla barked out the last three words making Dru jump.

She nodded vigorously and cuddled the doll to her neck and whispered to it, then put her down. Very carefully she edged round the table to stand by the chair with the fresh corpse that was slumped in it.

“But…okay. Can I eat now gran- er Darla?”

“What – oh, yes…Look Dru, I don’t mean to shout at you, but all this Miss Edith –oh hell!” The sounds of a glass smashing made them both turn to look at the curtain where Angel was sleeping behind.

“Do you want me to help you?”

“No – you feed, he should be weak as a kitten still, I’ll sort it…as soon as Cornelius comes, come and tell me okay?”

“Yes gran – Darla”

Darla pulled back the draped fabric to see Angel trying to sit up, he’d knocked a glass of water off the upturned grocery box that served as a nightstand, and it had smashed on the floor.

Angel was woozy; colours and shapes swam in and out of focus, and he could hear echoes of somebody talking, but not what they said as the words ran into each other.

Screwing his eyes shut, shaking his head to clear the double vision he focused on the blonde girl smiling at him standing next to the bed. She sat on the edge of the mattress and smoothed back his ruffled hair.

“Dear boy are you tired still? – Never mind, as soon as I have all the information I need from the translator – then the fun and games can begin!”

Trying to sit up became too much effort and Angel flopped back against the pillows.

“Where am I………Who…Darla………what’s goin’ on?”

“Shh, my darling – won’t be long now and then we can soon have you back to your old self and it’ll be just like the olden days! What fun we’ll have, but in the meantime…”

From her pocket she produced a hypodermic needle and without hesitation stuck it in his arm, depressed the plunger, and before Angel had a chance to object, his eyes rolled and he was out cold again.

Discarding the needle, Darla gently ran her fingers through his hair again, and then frowned at the stickiness of her fingers.

Standing she just whispered one word to him ‘soon’.


****************


Wolfram and Hart, a little after midnight


“………So every 3-4 months he takes himself off to the Rocky Mountains in Canada – he likes the solitude, or so he says”

Wesley explained to them all. Spike rolled his eyes.

The office door banged open and Harmony came in wheeling a trolley. She wasn’t in the best of moods.

“I’d better be getting paid overtime for this!”

Wesley frowned and said,

“Harmony! We have a crisis here – I thought we all agreed to do what it takes to get Angel back in one piece without griping and moaning – we do what it takes!”

“YOU agreed you mean! You and Gunn and the rest, not me, nuh huh, no sir-ee, not me! I have a life – well un-life – a SOCIAL life, and that doesn’t involve being a waitress to the slayer and that slayer-loving freak!”

Buffy narrowed her eyes at the ditsy blonde and Spike gave a low combat growl to frighten her.
Harmony heard it alright, gave a little ‘yip’ and scooted out of the office in treble-quick time.

After helping herself to tea, and Spike took the extra large Scotch he’d ordered, Gunn said,

“We know Angel was taken from the log cabin any time between just after 10pm on the Wednesday evening, and sun-up at 7am on the Thursday morning, I was the last person he spoke to on his cell phone, and I’ve checked with the phone company, I can give you the exact time – I phoned him at 9.47pm and the call duration was 16 minutes, ending at 10.03pm – we spoke about a case I’ve coming up, and he said to me that he’d speak to me about it on Friday when he got back, so I know he was planning on coming back”

Spike leant over to Buffy and whispered conspiratorially,
“I bet that guy could tell you how many times a day he farts!” Buffy bit the inside of her cheek to stop from bursting out laughing…

Giles was sitting behind Angel’s desk, working away on his computer. The printer sprang into life and began to reel off copies of the information Giles had taken from various demonology books, mostly from one of the oldest one known, the ‘Ars Daemonicus’

“Okay folks, here is what we have on the demon ‘Agromanth’, and I’m sorry to say it’s very little” Giles distributed the printed out sheets between everybody.

Spike took the sheet, but didn’t read it. Giles said,

“This demon, which originates from ancient Persia was petrified to stone by a Persian princess, supposedly riding on the back of a - now this is where we get contradictions, some texts say a winged horse or dragon, others say it was a winged unicorn, and-“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah Rupes, can we cut to the chase, I thought time was of the essence here – all we ned to know is where is it, and how do we stop it before the poof does something stupid and really bollocks’ up my plans for next Sunday?”

Giles coughed a little embarrassedly and said,

“Yes, well quite, I was coming to that. It seems that some ancient scrolls have been unearthed in Iran and have fallen into the wrong hands, sold by unscrupulous dealers wanting to make a fast buck – these scrolls hold the key to re-animating Agromanth – the ritual will be a simple one”

“Got to be for Peaches to be involved!” Spike quipped, and Wesley gave him a frown, but Spike was adamant not to feel guilty about it!

“So do we know what I looks like or where Angel will fit into things?” Buffy asked after skimming through the paper Giles had given her.

“Hopefully stuck in it’s stupid great gob!” Spike said, and again Wesley frowned at him, but this time he was joined with Gunn and Giles who all glared at him.

“Bleedin’ ‘ell – know nothing, do ya? – Spike stood, having spied a ‘Globe of the World’ drinks cabinet and he drained his scotch and went over to it, opened it and selected a bottle of 40 year old malt began to pour himself a tumbler full, saying

“Look it wasn’t originally called this, but Agromanth – AG – symbol for silver,
-manth – mouth – silver mouth – great silver mouth – he’s king of the undersea world, he’ll need Peaches to make the link so he can stand on the earth and jump from his dimension to ours, then he’ll swallow the world up in his great silver mouth – it’s needs something evil and strong - that’s how the story goes, and just for the record, it was a mermaid on a flying swordfish, not a Persian princess on a – whatever you said” Spike put the decanter back after pouring himself more of Angel’s 40 year old malt, and closed the globe.

Wesley and Gunn looked suitably impressed, Buffy grinned and Giles asked,

“How do you know this?” whilst polishing his glasses

Spike took a gulp of whiskey and said,

“Campfire legends…Agromanth – Gem of Amarrah, Acathla, The Judge – all legends in their own way - stories told”

“So how did this…this mermaid foil the plot?”

“Well, she needed his eye to become human – look, I’ll start at the beginning, shall I?” Spike sat down and crossed his legs

“Once upon a time-“

“Spike, be serious!”

“Shh, let him tell us!”

“Alright, I was only saying-“

“Are you lot gonna bleeding well shut up and listen or don’t you want to know?”

“Carry on please Spike” Wesley said

“Right, there was this mermaid see…………

Chapter 3

“What sort of a mood is her ladyship in?” Cornelius whispered to Dru as he descended the steps from the trapdoor of the cellar of the derelict house.

“Bad…bad, bad, bad, bad…daddy’s still a sleeping and grandmum is all in her head with the worries…you tell her how the big silver fish is going to play or it will be Cornelius…gone!

Cornelius frowned…all he’d managed to understand of that, was Darla was in a bad mood and he’d be off if he didn’t tell her what to do for the ritual…

“Er Dru…I know I might regret asking this, but what’s this big silver fish?”

Dru looked at him like he was stupid

“The big silver fish - coming to swallow the world – we can play in his tummy but not see the stars!”

Still none the wiser, Cornelius sat at the table and unrolled the ritual scroll a little wondering what on earth Dru was on about. To say he’d not got very far with the translation was an understatement – he’d got absolutely nowhere…and now he was scared of what Darla might do to him – suddenly Dru’s words in his head made him sit up and think…gone – she meant GONE, gone…as in cease to exist gone…he was just about to call Dru again when Darla swished back the drapes and came over to the table

“Well?”

“Look, Darla it’s all in-“

“Darling boy!” She smiled and advanced on him slowly, sensuously slipping her arm around his shoulder, she smiled into his face, and then she changed and looked cold and hard at him, keeping her voice low and menacing she said,

“I don’t want to know what it’s all in, all I want to know is, what to do…so, tell me what you have so far…”

“Um…f-f-fishes! Well fish – big silver – f-fish a-a-and er-“

“Look you PATHETIC imbecile! I know what Agromanth is and I know what he does…and all I need is for you to be a good little vamp and to stop trying my PATIENCE!” Cornelius swallowed and he was shaking

“I am a mermaid my name is Undeen, my father’s a sea-king my mother’s a queen…” Dru sang quietly to herself as she played with Miss Edith

“SHUT UP DRU!” Dru looked up and dropped her head in a submissive pose, mewled and shied away from the shouting.

Switching her attention back to Cornelius, Darla grabbed him by the hair and hissed

“Find and translate the bloody passages for the ritual and where to find the
spiral horn, and DO IT TODAY!”

“Yes Darla – I-I will, immediately, bu-but o-one thing…I’m starving – I’ve been working on this day and night and night and day – I haven’t had a chance to go out hunting for food…” he was practically salivating at the sight of the corpse in the chair opposite him.

Darla saw where he was looking, and she let go of his hair and sidled over to the once pretty shop-girl, now dinner for a hungry vamp…

“Hmm, fresh…sweet too!” Darla ran her finger through a little trickle of blood that ran from some feeding puncture holes in the corpse’s neck. She sucked on her finger, pulling it out of hollowed cheeks with a loud pop!

“You’ll get yours, when I get Mine…okay? Fair’s fair…come on Dru, help me put…what’s her name?”

Fiddling to undo the jacket of the corpse to reveal a name badge attached to the uniform of the young shop girl, Darla continued,

“Brandy White…oh please! I ask you, what sort of a name is that? But I digress dear boy – she’ll be as sweet and heady as the spirit it’s self by the time YOU get to taste her – come on Dru, let’s put her just out of Cornelius’ reach!”

Cornelius grit his teeth and stared blankly at the scroll, hoping for something to make sense…but just as the previous two days, all he saw were useless symbols…


*****************



Now, this mermaid, she was in love with a fisherman you see, but she couldn’t come ashore and be with him, or she’d die – and he couldn’t live with her under the sea for obvious reasons, so she needed the horn of Agromanth, he was king of the undersea world – a huge great silvery whale type beast, with a long tusk like spiral horn in the middle of it’s forehead – this is probably where the legend gets mixed up with unicorns and that – anyway where was I?

Oh yeah, so she’s heard of this legend, she needs the horn of the Agromanth to grant her dearest wish – but she knows that taking it will mean she’ll never see her mother or father again – their world on the sea-bed would be ruined by the writhing and twisting in agony of the beast once she’s removed its horn.
–
Plus the fact she was going to wish to be human so she could be with her sailor bloke – but that aside, she succeeds, and she jumps on the back of this swordfish and commands it to fly, touching it with the horn tip, and the fish flies out of the water, and the Agromanth rises up after her and she touches the Agromanth with the tip of the horn and she turns it to stone.

Well it crashes back into the water, there’s tidal waves, tsunami’s and all sorts, storms and what have you – so the legend goes if the Agromanth and it’s horn are re-united – then it’s kerbluey time for planet earth”

Spike drank the rest of his Scotch and looked at his ‘audience’

“Well…that’s um…quite a story!” Wesley said, standing up from being perched on the side of the desk.

“Hmm…I wonder how much of that is true, and how much of it is drunken made up campfire story” Giles said, not seemingly that impressed.

“Well whatever, all we need to know is if the horn and beast are reunited, then to put no too finer point on it, if you’ll excuse the pun, we’re fucked – and right royally too, I may add.

And on that note, I think it’s time for me and my Mrs to go to bed – ready pet?”

“But what about research?” Wesley asked

“Well, not pretending to be Sherlock Holmes or anything, but I see one computer on the poof’s desk, one on Harm’s desk, and Rupes laptop, one, two, three – and look, there’s one, two, three of you (he pointed to Wes, Gunn and Giles in turn) so, night all – we’ll take Peaches room – don’t call us too early in the morning!” Spike called out from the doorway, he was holding Buffy’s hand.

“Buffy! Do I have to remind you, sacred duty and all that?” Giles asked seriously

“Course not – but well, Spike’s got a point three computers, three of you…and I am kinda tired” she yawned, and Giles took his glasses off and began to rub them furiously fast.

Having nothing else to say, Buffy took it that her reasoning had paid off and she allowed Spike to lead her down the corridor.

“That girls’ attitude has definitely changed!!!” Wesley said, shaking his head.

“That’s Spike’s influence I‘m afraid, she used to be such a sweet girl!”

“Oh come on – girls got spirit that’s all – she’s one ballsy lady! And you must admit, Spike came through AGAIN with info!” Gunn said

“Yes but – it all sounds so…1001 Arabian Nights if you ask me!” Giles said with a sigh.

“That aside, YOU didn’t know about the horn being separated from the beast and it’s reunification would be the ritual, did you?”

Sighing again and slipping his glasses back on, Giles had to admit…

“No, you’re right, I didn’t know that bit…right, come on, lets download some maps of Canada…where do you think Darla and Dru have taken him?”


***********************


“Spike, what are you doing?” Buffy asked getting into the big bed. He was having a rummage in Angel’s wardrobe…

“Just nosying around…might come up with a clue as to where he might have gone or something!”

“I doubt that, you’re just being nosy, full stop!”

“And?” Spike smirked, flipping shut a watch-box with ‘Love from Cordelia’ on it and putting it back on the shelf.

“And it’s rude, you wouldn’t like it if he went through your things!”

“Listen pet, I wouldn’t be so stupid to let myself be kidnapped by two ditsy birds for an end-of-the-world scenario – he bought this on himself!”

“Come to bed!”

“Okay – I’m – OH PEACHES!!”

Buffy sat up in bed

“What, what is it Spike?”

With a huge big smirk on his face, Spike closed the one door slightly and showed her (fanned out so she could see the titles) Playboy, Big and Bouncy, Barely Legal, and Wet and Horny………

“The dirty little perv!” Spike said gleefully. Buffy rolled her eyes and lay back down

“Put them away and come to bed!”

“Right – oh dear…I WAS always worried about you, you know you great poof! – Look Buffy, there’s a copy of Play GIRL in here too!” Spike closed the wardrobe up and bounced on the bed

“So, you’re not REALLY tired are you babe…not really, really…hmm?”

“Ooooohhhhh – S-Spike!”

“That’s me babe…this is me too!”

“Aaaaahhhhh!”

“Ohgodsbabyyoufeelsogood!” Spike garbled as he trust deep and hard into her

Buffy arched her back and raked her nails down his flanks and into his butt, trying to press him to go harder

Spike hissed and did her bidding making them both emit a little grunt each time he pushed up

“Don’t stop babe, please don’t stop!” Buffy begged, locking her ankles high up around his back

Spike had no intention of stopping and didn’t let up even after his lady wife had gasped and groaned her way through several tooth-rattling orgasms!

Buffy rolled them so she could take over the pace and do some of the work – and she expertly squeezed him with her slayer muscles and she soon had him crying out in a deep long orgasm to match her own.

She collapsed on his chest and rolled off him to the side cuddled up.
They lay silent for some time, comfortable, there was no need for talk, each thinking what lay ahead of them come that evening.

Spike was the first to break the silence

“Could you do it?”

Without even having to ask ‘what?’ Buffy turned and looked at Spike, and she gave him a rueful smile

“If he…how did you so eloquently put it – oh yes, if he’s bollocksed up your plans for next Sunday…yes I could it, I could kill Angelus or Angel for that matter, no worries”

Spike didn’t gloat or laugh, he just kissed her forehead and gave her a squeeze. It was Buffy’s turn………

“What if I have to…you know”

“Babe – you do what you have to, don’t hold back. Dru’s no part of my existence anymore and that chapter of my being is well over, as long as I’ve got you, that’s all that matters to me…and I have got you haven’t I, you’re mine to keep and to love…”

Buffy sort his mouth and kissed him, she stroked his hair back from his eyes and cupped his cheek

“I’m all yours baby, love you”

Those words from her lips never failed to gladden his heart and every time he heard them he felt like it had stated beating again. Kissing her again with such passion, Buffy gave a little squeal and giggle as she suddenly found herself underneath him once more…

“Hey, hey, hey! Down tiger! We need to save energy in case there’s a fight tonight!” Spike gave a little growl and nipped at her bottom lip, then dropped his head to her neck…

“Oh ggoooodddddd! Y-you find that s-spot every t-time, ooooohhhhh!”

Grinning Spike looked down into her face, and giving her little pecking kisses he said,

“Got (kiss) all (kiss) your special (kiss) little places (kiss) engraved on my eyeballs! (kiss) All mapped out they are! (kiss)

Buffy began to giggle helplessly and tickle Spike, who trying to get away from her fingers blew raspberries on her tummy making Buffy positively shriek!

“I give in, I give in! Breathe I need to breathe!!” Spike threw himself onto his back and Buffy was all red faced from laughing, she panted hard.

“Suppose we should try and get some sleep – what’s the time…nearly three…I wonder how the three wise monkeys are doing downstairs?”

Buffy cuddled up to her husband, snuggled down and closed her eyes and said,

“We’ll find out soon enough I s’pose…night baby, love you”

Spike kissed her softly and whispered

“Night Kitten, love you too”

Chapter 4


The stuffy room began to get darker and Cornelius felt his head droop, until he nodded off altogether and jumped with a wide-awake start.

If Darla caught him napping, well who knows what she’d do…sitting up he accidentally knocked the scroll onto the floor, completely unrolling it, and much to a sudden jolt of pleasure, the other ‘spindle’ at the end of the scroll was what looked like a spiral horn…glancing at Dru to check she hadn’t seen what had happened, he quickly he put the horn in his pocket, and began to scribble onto the pad. If he could only get Dru to talk…

“Dru…hey, Dru…could you get me some water please”

“Hmm – wha-what – oh! I um…” realising she’d fallen asleep and wasn’t doing the job Darla asked her to, Dru quickly sat up and rubbed her face.

“Grandmum said I was to watch you, not nursemaid you!”

“But I’m thirsty I want some water…I’d get it myself but I don’t know where to get it”

“Taps there, no tricks”

“Course not…” Cornelius went to the tap, turned it on and cupped his hands and drank a few mouthfuls, then turned it off.

“So, this um…this big silver fish sounds like fun, then eh?”

Dru grinned maniacally and clapped her hands

“Oh yes, and with Daddy back we can have games and make pretty colours and it will be a happy time!”

“Um yes…so…have you seen this big fish thing – how big is it do you reckon?”

“Big as a house- bigger – big enough to swallow the world!” Dru said dreamily weaving back and forth on the chair

“Really that big eh…? Um…wow!”

“Grandmum says that when the horn is in place and the rite said, the new world will be all ours!”

“Really! That does sound like fun…well, better get on, don’t want her cross with me, now do we?” Cornelius joked, but Dru was off on one of her daydreams…

Cornelius knew he had to be clever now…right, what had he got that was fact, big silver fish, named Agromanth, horn, swallow the world when the horn was in place………now things he could guess at…well for one, they needed to be by water………and he’d translated enough Latin and Sumerian texts to know what the average ritual entailed – the beast itself, a host so said beast could manifest itself on the earth plane and some spoken word…


************


“Tut…you’d think they’d have the decency to keep it down up there…I thought Buffy said she was tired anyway” Wesley groused, looking at the ceiling

Giles being Giles was doing his best to ignore it, and secretly Gunn thought if he’d got a pretty wife like Buffy, then hopefully he’d be doing what Spike was doing to make her holler like that………

“Oh this is ridiculous! – I can’t concentrate with all THAT going on!” Wesley logged off Harmony’s computer, sat back, yawned and stretched.

Giles too sat back from his laptop, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

“Um guys…I’ve just had a thought…you don’t think they’ve taken him to Persia – I mean Iran for this thing, do you?” Gunn asked, he was still typing away.

“I shouldn’t think so, I looked up unicorns, horns and legends thereof – got the same old about a unicorn can only be tamed by a virgin and what have you – “

“Oh dear lord, how STUPID am I not to have thought of this earlier!” Giles said, suddenly springing to life and opening his laptop again

“What is it Giles?”

“Yeah man, like what gives?”

“It’s a Narwhal!”

“Excuse me?”

“Of course!” Wesley said

“Well, would somebody like to enlighten me as to what a – what did you say?” Gunn asked and Wesley said,

“A narwhal is a sea-creature – a type of whale, the males have a long tusk like horn projection from their foreheads – unscrupulous fishermen used to catch them, get the horns and then they’d sell them to gullible people – quacks – doctors – alchemists and apothecaries as unicorn horn – it was made into all manner of potions and stuff – it was claimed that it could cure anything from toothache to the plague!”

“Right…thanks”

“YES! Giles shouted triumphantly, and Wesley and Gunn got up and stood behind him

“Found the legend – hmm, okay give Spike his due, it’s pretty much how he told it…it refers to the horn as it’s eye in some parts…Argentumuth – silver mouth, but it’s our beastie alright!”

“Good work old man…now all we have to do is to find Angel” Wesley patted Giles’ shoulder. Gunn yawned and started off a chain-reaction with the other two.

“I think we can call it a night now – what’s the time…hmm, just gone three – and thank goodness it’s gone quiet up there now” Giles closed his laptop again, and all three men retired to their beds.


****************



Cornelius was scribbling away ten to the dozen, oblivious of what was going on around him. After half an hour of writing, scribbling out and re-writing, he was satisfied with what he’d made up. He read through what he’d done…

‘Agromanth – Oh great silver one, I am your servant…hmm, better make that
humble servant…right, I am your humble servant, I call upon you to be re-united with what is rightfully yours – be at one again and wreak your vengeance on this pitiful world as you will – I ask in the name of Beelzebub– and all that is unholy’ yeah – that’ll do

He had a big grin on his face and he looked up at Dru. She was playing with a doll as would a child, talking to it and holding to her ear to hear replies…


“What’s that you say Miss Edith? You are SO naughty! No cake for tea for you now – whispering lies about my Spike – he WILL come back to me one day – he must! You shall be locked in the dark box as punishment…”

Cornelius frowned – and thought how that dark haired bit – boy was she a Looney tunes or what!

The curtain swished back and Darla saw Dru standing by their clothes trunk with the key in her hand, she had a huge maniacal smile on her face

“Dru…Dru…DRU!”

“Oh, sorry gran- um Darla!”

“What’s all this about Spike?” Dru knew she’d better not tell Darla about what Miss Edith just said because she’d be cross with her so she said,

“I was thinking it would have been nice for my Spike to come and play with us too – with daddy – be a happy family again”

Darla was already not listening to her ramblings and she went straight up to Cornelius

“Well?” she asked sharply

Cornelius smiled

“All done – there you go”

Darla snatched up the pad that Cornelius had made up the rite on and a slow smile began to creep on her face as she read. When she’d finished reading she looked at the back of the page but saw it was blank.

“Well – where’s what we do – where do we get the horn?”

“Patience…now close your eyes”

“What - don’t be ridiculous!” Darla glared at the grinning idiot

“Just do as I say!” Cornelius was still smiling

“Oh f…right, they’re closed, NOW what?”

“Hold out your hand…KEEP your eyes closed”

“This BETTER not be a – oh!” Carefully Cornelius put the horn in her hand

“There, you can open them now!”

Darla blinked and looked, and then she smiled

“Is this the horn – where did you get it?”

“Well I tell you, it wasn’t easy – I had to translate a fiendishly difficult riddle – then say a spell – and then Ta-da! It appeared out of thin air!”

Darla raised a brow – she didn’t believe him of course – but then she didn’t see what he’d done so…

“Can I eat now, please, I’m starving!”

“Hold on, so I’ve got the rite to say, and I’ve got the horn, so what do I do with it?”

Cornelius felt like saying ‘stick it up our ass’ – he was getting faintly annoyed with this vampiress now…

“Well I suppose when you say the rite hold out the horn and the beastie will do what’s necessary!”

“Are you sure?”

“What – well no, yes, look, not having done the ritual before I wouldn’t know, would I – what do you want to do, throw it a couple of sardines or something first?” Realising he’d gone a little too far with the sarcasm, he also realised that he’d have to stick it out with the bravado now…

Darla smiled and decided to let it pass, she had what she wanted, now all she had to do was turn Angel back to Angelus.

“Darling boy, go feed, you deserve it”

Without another word as he was ravenous, Cornelius dived for the corpse and sank his fangs into its neck, he had his back to Darla, and she said

“And you also need to learn that you never, EVER raise your voice to me!”

“Wha-what?” Cornelius tried to turn his head to look at Darla, but it wasn’t easy as he had his fangs in the corpse’s neck…

Darla bought the horn down into the vamps back, and it easily went straight into him

“AAAARRRRRHHHHHHGGGGGG” Cornelius arched his back and exploded in a cloud of dust. Darla, without a trace of emotion wafted the air with her hand and picked up the rite again. Dru appeared from behind the draped fabric curtain and asked

“Do you want some tea, gran – um, Darla?”

“Please Dru”

“What about Cornelius?”

“Oh him – don’t worry about him…he had to go”

“Oh, okay then”

*******************

“Hmm, Northwest Territories you say?” Giles asked, biting into a slice of toast

“Um, uh huh, he usually stays at a place called Fort Norman – the Great Bear Lake would be favourite for the ritual to take place I reckon” Wesley said

Gunn wandered in and poured himself coffee; there was no sign of Buffy and Spike.

“Morning”

“Morning Gunn, I was just telling Giles how Angel likes to stay at Fort Norman”

“Yeah... I’ve been thinking of that, um…you don’t think…”

“What, don’t think what?”

“Well, how did they know where to find him – I mean, it’s a bit off the beaten track – he could be anywhere in the world, and they pin-point him exactly. Do you think he’s met them there before or something?” Gunn asked

“Nothing so sinister – I was wondering that myself, it seemed too coincidental, and I asked Harmony…she told them” Wesley said.

“She did?”

“Yup…Darla phoned, wanted to speak to Angel, she told them he was on vacation, Darla asked where, she told them”

“Stupid girl” Just as Gunn said that, Harmony walked into the office, and they all looked at her

“What, have I got a mark on my face or something?”

“No Harmony…we were just thinking what a stupid – oh, never mind, it doesn’t matter”

Wesley decided against telling her what they thought of her, if they all had to go out, somebody had to hold the fort at Wolfram and Hart, because Cordelia wouldn’t thank them for leaving her on her own if Harmony threw a wobbly at them all thinking she was stupid………

Chapter 5

“Grandmum, how are you going to turn Daddy back to real Daddy?”

“Leave that to me Dru, we were once SO good together, as soon as he remembers that…” Darla smiled, and then her face fell

“And what did I tell you about calling me grandmum!”

Dru innocently said, ‘sorry’, and then she continued,

“Daddy loves somebody else”

“DRU! Once Daddy realises what he’s missing…his heart will be mine again…the slayer rejected him” Darla said curtly

At the words ‘the slayer’ Dru sat bolt upright as if she’d had an electric shock

Raising her fingers to her temples Dru began to wail

“Ooooohhhhh – nnnnoooooooooo – nnnooooooo, not my Spike, she can’t have him he’s mine, MINE!”

“Dru, what the blue blazes are you on about now?”

Dru was angry and she’d turned ‘game face’, snarled and Darla and ran out of the room.

Darla rolled her eyes and sighed,

“Oh whatever!” Darla disinterestedly was touching the spiral horn for the ritual, lost in thought wondering how long the knockout draft she’d given Angel would last – after all, she had given him three injections on the trot since they’d kidnapped him two days ago.

**************


“Spike, no! Now come on now, I’ve pushed my luck enough with Giles as it is!”

“But baby…”

Buffy managed to slip from Spike’s grasp and stand up out of bed

“I promise you, soon as this thing’s over, we can stay in bed all day, m’kay?”

“’Kay…well nothing else for it then – lets get up and at ‘em, see what Huey, Dewy and Lewy have come up with!” Buffy smiled as she got dressed

“And I suppose Angel is Donald Duck!”

“Yeah…did I ever teach you Cockney rhyming slang – coz that wanker WILL be Donald Ducked when I cop hold of him, stupid great pillock he is!”

They went down and into the office, Giles couldn’t risk being sarcastic, pointedly looking at his watch

“Good afternoon!”

“Now, now Rupes me old mate, don’t strain that odd brain-cell you’ve got trying to be sarcastic, it just plain washes over me, it’s only 10.20am, so what have we got then – how did the research go?”

Buffy got them coffee while Spike talked

“We found the legend! And we, or rather Giles deduced it was a narwhal – that’s a –“ Wesley said excitedly

“S’cuse me, I DO know what a narwhal is, thankyou very much! Okay, you found the legend, but I’d already TOLD you that – so…anything else, what did the locating spell reveal, hmm?” Spike looked at all three males in turn, and was surprised to see they looked a little discomfited………

Buffy put a mug of coffee in front of Spike

“Um, locating spell – ahh –we erm, huh!” Wes began to stutter

“Oh for gods sake man, spit it out, hold on – you haven’t even done one yet, have you?” Spike gave him a withering look, and folded his arms…

Giles was mentally kicking himself up the backside for not giving it a thought…

“Well not as such…we wasn’t sure if um, well if it would, you know, work………what with Angel being dead” Wesley said, giving Giles little sideways glances.

“Bollocks! You just didn’t think of it! You should know very well that instead of a crystal pendulum, you use something small belonging to the person you want to locate – a ring or such like on the end of a chain – bloody ‘ell, this is basic stuff here!

The only way it might not work is if they are on the move, but at least we could either get their general vicinity, or we could go to this place where the poof normally stays and take it from there- either way you better make you’re mind up which it’s going to be, and do it bloody quickly – oh coffee – cheers babe!”

Buffy smiled sunnily at him then she looked at Giles, who was looking decidedly embarrassed!

“He’s-“ Gunn began, before Wesley shot him down with,

“Yes, yes, we know Spike’s right – again, he’s got a good valid point, no need to keep stating the obvious!”

Spike grinned

“Actually, I was going to say, he’s got a good few hours start on us in Canada, so we HAD better get going”

Wesley suddenly became super-efficient and said,

“Right, I’ll go put the helicopter on stand-by, Giles, you bring all the info we’ve got – Buffy, Spike, did you bring weapons just in case?”

“Sure did”

“Good – right people, ten minutes, then we’re off!”

“Hold on, hold on – can I just point out, daylight here?”

“Don’t worry Spike we have the same glass in all our aircraft and vehicles here – boss’s orders!”

“Well at least the wanker got SOMETHING right for a change! Spike said, finishing his coffee.

***************


6 hours later, Beaver Creek Log Cabins, Fort Norman, Canada


Spike sniggered when he saw the name of the Log cabins and whispered to his wife,

“I bet this is the nearest thing the poof’s got to beaver in a while since the old cheerleader has given him the cold-shoulder,!” Buffy giggled and playfully swatted his arm.

“Right spread the map…lets put it on the floor so we can open it out fully, there’s roughly 100 square miles on this map…can somebody just shift the table down…there, and that chair will have to………thanks – okay, let’s concentrate around the Great Bear river shall we?”

“No, I suggest we start here, that’s what, 40 miles away” Spike said, indicating where they were on the map. Giles looked up and said,

“Um…did anybody think to getting something belonging to Angel so we can do the locating spell?”

Spike rolled his eyes

“Give me strength………you know it grieves me greatly that when we were enemies, you used to foil my little plots and schemes – you lot couldn’t foil the Sunday roast now…………here, but I want it back after”

Spike handed Giles a gold tiepin

“Hey, where did you get that?” Wesley asked

“His wardrobe, now can we get on, it’ll be getting dark soon!”

Giles made a loop with his gold chain, and threaded the tiepin onto it, so it hung down.

“Right then here goes…” Giles held the pendulum over the map and asked it to spin in a clockwise circle if Angel was close……………………………

****************

Dru’s eyes were sore and red-rimmed from crying. The slayer had her Spike, she was all around him, she had him totally and there was no room in his heart for her now………

“For goodness sake STOP SNIVELLING! Look, Angel and I are going to get a little better acquainted again, so I don’t want any interruptions, do you understand?”

Dru nodded miserably. Darla squatted down and stroked the hair out of Dru’s eyes

“We’ll soon have Daddy back – then the fun can begin!” Dru gave her a watery smile.

*************


“I make that…approximately six miles away!” Wesley said grinning

“Right come on!” Giles said shepherding Gunn and Wesley towards the door, until Spike said

“Okay Geronimo, hold your horses a sec, lets have a game plan before we set off, shall we?”

After thinking about it for a second or two, they agreed

“Right, I suggest we-”

“Hold on, who made you the leader of this trip?” Wesley asked Spike

“I did, coz I’m the one with the brains, or so it seems, so, I suggest you shut your cake-hole and listen up. We split into two teams, team Alpha, that’s Buffy and myself will enter the place, do a quick reccie, sort out any vampires that stand between us and the poof, and that includes Darla and Dru –“

“Spike, I have to ask this, could you kill her?” Giles asked

“If you are referring to Dru, then yes, in a heartbeat, if you’ll pardon the expression, now as I was saying, Buffy and I will go in, sort out the vamps, meanwhile team Loser, that’s you lot-“

“OI!”

“Shut up and listen, you lot sabotage any vehicles they could get away in, cover any other exits and then come and see if we need help – I doubt that we will but”

“Buffy, what if Angel is…” Giles began

“If he’s Angelus, he’s dust, no question” Buffy said, tucking Mr Pointy into her waist belt. Giles nodded

“He is? I-I-I-I mean, you would – and not think twice?” Wesley asked, shocked

“Did it before, I’d do it again” Buffy said with steely determination

“R-right…yes…quite” ignoring Wesley, Spike said

“Oh yes, and I suggest we walk the last half mile, don’t want to alert them that we are coming, agreed?” Everybody nodded and they left the cabin.

*****************


After twenty minutes, Dru realised that the ooh’s and aah’s and the rhythmic banging of the headboard against the wall coming from behind the curtain wasn’t the sounds of somebody in the throes of passion, more like those of one in the throes of frustration, she risked a sneaky peek at the side of the drape to see Darla, naked, sitting astride Angel banging his head up and down on the pillow

“Ooooohhhhh, will you WAKE UP!”

“Come on babe, come on – aaaaahhhhh please WAKE UP!”

Dru wandered off and decided she had to say sorry to Miss Edith for punishing her…

*****************

“There it is, just up ahead at the base of that rocky outcrop…it’s an old weather station, the shack next door was where the meteorologist used to sleep, it’ll be pretty basic, but just watch your footing, place hasn’t been used this last 20 odd years and there will be a certain amount of rot – right, are we all ready – everybody know what to do?”

Nodding, everybody then proceeded to get weapons ready and begin the half-mile walk…

Chapter 6

“Dru…Dru……………DRU!!!!”

Dru had been miles away, playing in front of the fire and saying sorry and re-plaiting Miss Edith’s hair

“Yes gr- Darla?” Dru looked up to Darla’s naked form barely covered with the drape

“Fetch me some water – a bucketful – got to wake the darling boy up somehow!”

Dru scrabbled to her feet to do her bidding

She climbed the cellar steps to fetch the bucket from outside

She opened the back door, and Spike just managed to hiss

“DOWN”

And everybody as one dropped to the ground out of sight.

They saw Dru come out and walk round the side of the building, Spike quickly got to his feet, ran and stood behind the open door. He waited until he heard her coming back and then slammed the door shut

“Oh – SPIKE! Oh I knew you’d come, Miss Edith said – “

“Not interested, ducks…now, how many vamps are in there?”

“Spike…I can smell her – she all around you, I’m gonna kill her and make you watch, then I’m gonna bathe in her blood!” Dru snarled and turned game face

Spike was ready for her and floored her with an almighty punch. Before she could recover, Buffy had joined her husband and quickly had Dru gagged and tied up.

“Can you manage now – I’ll carry on in” Spike stood

“Wait for me – I………won’t………be………a ………second!” Buffy had her foot in the middle of Dru’s back to pull the rope even tighter and there was a crack and Dru writhed in agony as her back broke.

“Ouch, bet that stings honey…never mind – come on Spike – lets go”

They crept quietly into the shack and heard Darla shout,

“For fuck’s sake Dru, hurry up with that water – I want to do that ritual tonight!”

Spike couldn’t resist it, he put on a high, silly falsetto voice and said,

“Coming grandmamma!”

“Dru – Dru?” Darla poked her head up the top of the cellar steps, only for her temple to come into contact with Buffy’s boot and she didn’t hold back with the kick either, Darla went flying backwards down the steps and sprawled, breaking the desk and ending up I the fire, she shrieked as her blond tresses started to smoulder, frantically trying to put them out with her bare hands.

Buffy and Spike came dashing down the steps, between them they punched Darla out and tied her up too. Spike tore down the curtain and saw a naked Angel lying there, apparently asleep.

Giles, Wesley and Gunn came down and Gunn and Wes took a snarling, game-faced, struggling Darla out

“Well we know they haven’t done the ritual, and by the look of things here, I doubt very much if Darla managed to turn him” Spike said grinning

“He’s been drugged, look” Giles held up one of the spent hypodermic needles.

“Well, he’ll be easier to manage awake, so mind yourself” Spike grabbed Angel by the ankles and hauled him off the bed, Angel’s head hit the floor with a sickening thud, but Spike ignored it and just dragged him across the rough floor over to the tap, spun him around and turned the tap on full, so the icy cold water hit him full in the face.

From outside there were sounds of a fight and shouting, so Buffy said she’d go up and help

“Aahhh – bitch – GET OFF ME!”

Darla had managed to sink her fangs into Gunn’s forearm, Buffy ran and grabbed her by the hair, and forced her to retract them. Gunn grimaced and held his arm.
Wesley stood with his stake protecting his injured friend while the slayer did her job, and she was spectacular. Gunn and Wes then watched and hunched, frowned and winced as every kick and punch broke another bone in the vampiress’ body.

Darla had her hands tied behind her back, so Buffy had a big advantage straight away, she roundhoused a kick to Darla’s already bruised temple sending the blond crashing into some large metal boxes that had once held temperature gauges and rainfall meters from when it had been a weather station. Darla grunted and tried to stand, but a snap-kick to the face had her thrown backwards, were Buffy promptly grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and gave her an absolute cracking right hook, breaking the vamps nose and jaw

“Had enough, blondie, or do you want some more, huh?”

Darla was on her knees, vamp-faced and evil, blood poured from her battered face

“You’d better kill me slayer, or I swear I’ll – “

“Oh DO shut up, you’re boring me!” Buffy punched her out, picked her up and punched her again, she did this all the way to the jeep that they’d come in.

*************

Angel coughed and moved his head, he suddenly sat up with a gasp and sluiced water from his face and glared at the person in front of him

“YOU – what are you doing here?”

“Well there’s gratitude for you – actually Peaches, a thankyou would be quite in order”

“What’s been going on – and where are my clothes – you’d better – oh god my HEAD!” Angel staggered to his feet.

“Oh, look what I’ve found!” Giles said grinning, holding up the scroll and the horn. Angel looked to his right, surprised to see the watcher.

“Giles! You’re here too!”

“Yes, and Buffy, Wes and Gunn - Spike’s quite right, we came to save you”

“Save me – from what?”

“Darla and Dru had this mad-cap idea of turning you back to Mr Pig-Ignorant-with-No-Manners, and ending the world with the Agromanth ritual” Spike enlightened him

“They drugged you, but apart from that, we know as much as you, if Buffy hasn’t had to kill them, we might just find out”

“Come on grandpapa, let’s get you home” Spike said grinning, looking at the sopping wet and staggering vampire.

“Give me your coat”

“Like fuck I will! Here, put this on!” Spike handed him the patchwork cover from the bed.

Glaring, Angel snatched it and secured it around his waist.

“Now, now, temper, temper! No use blaming me for your predicament Peaches, if you didn’t feel the need to do a Grizzly Adams every few months, this might well not have happened!”

They got upstairs and could see Wesley and Gunn dragging Dru to the jeep

Angel staggered along, weak from hunger and the effects of the drugs still. They got to the jeep and roughly shoving Darla and Dru aside got in themselves.


*******************

The following day

“………And they’ll both be fitted with a behaviour modification chip, very similar to the one you had Spike” Wesley explained to them about Darla and Dru

“Oh, just before we go – this thing – I’ve been looking at it” Giles waved the scroll

“And?” Gunn asked

“It’s written in various languages…there’s Chinese, Aramaic, even the Futhork alphabet!”

“The WHAT?”

“Runic – like the Rune stones…seems to be ingredients, I’ve translated soy sauce, fermented bean curd…black beans…dried hibiscus flowers – I think somebody had just copied stuff from the back of sauce bottles, Chinese tea packets and the like – and this horn…it’s just a long sea shell found in the Indian ocean – a complete rip off!”


Spike wasn’t listening, he was looking through the window into the morning sunshine – unlike Angel, the novelty hadn’t worn off for him as he’d only seen it a few times, once when they’d stayed there before, and the helicopter the day before. He voiced his thoughts…

“I was thinking Peaches, be a nice gesture, a belated wedding present if you like, if you got us some of this fancy glass for Revello Drive”

“Huh, do you KNOW how much it cost per pane? - I wouldn’t waste my money on the likes of y-“ Angel didn’t finish the sentence, he caught Buffy’s eye and saw the hurt look on her face.

Spike shrugged, went over and held Buffy’s hand and said,

“Yes well, we won’t wait around for a thankyou from you grandpapa, I know my beautiful wife could grow a beard before you said that – so Giles, are you ready?”

Giles, Wes and Gunn felt a little uncomfortable in what Spike had just said, but for all his sarcasm, they knew that Spike was right.

Angel remained tight-lipped.

*************

Three days later, 9.10am

“Bloody hell, alright, alright, where’s the fire?” Buffy threw on her robe, checked to see her husband was well hidden from the daylight, and then she opened the bedroom window.

“Hello?”

“Ah, hello, Miss Buffy Summers?”

“Yes, who wants to know?” Spike’s muffled words from under the covers were,

“Who is it babe – tell em to bog off until a decent hour!”

“Look, Spike, look – oh sorry, you can’t, but wow - a truck. B-I-G truck!”

She read the side of the huge truck that was parked outside her house out loud

“It’s from Solar-Gon – the glass specialists!”

I’m from Solar-Gon, can we put the windows in your garage until we fit them tomorrow?”

Grinning Buffy bounded downstairs and opened the garage for them. The man gave her a letter and asked her to sign a sheet on his clipboard.

After they were gone, she went upstairs and ripped open the letter. After skimming it quickly she said,

“Oh isn’t that nice, it’s from Wesley – thanks for all our help – isn’t IT WONDERFUL!”

“Sure is babe, wonder what Peaches will say when he finds out – anyway sod that, and c’mere you minx…you promised me a day in bed!”

Buffy grinned and threw the letter to one side, and with a shriek, she launched herself at her husband and they tumbled to the bed giggling…………

The End…(For now!)