Summary: Xander's pov, about his friendship with
Willow, and what he realizes
now.
Spoilers: Mild through GD2.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Joss. The song belongs to Howard Jones.
Rating: PG13.
Feedback: Yum.
Tracy is a beta-god-des! Tracy is a beta-god-dess! Come on, everyone chant
with me!
by:
Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She doesn't know that I used to watch her while she
slept. I would sneak
over to the house where I used to spend most of my time and climb up the
tree
that I remember as a child. I would just stand there after I crawled in her
window, and look at her, memorize the face I knew so well. Sometimes I would
sit next to her bed and touch her hair.
Willow sleeps more soundly than anyone I've ever known; It wasn't hard to
accomplish.
I've had to stop doing that, though. Now when I think about going over
there, I know she's not alone and I don't think I could handle seeing someone
else sharing that bed. So instead I watch her as she moves, when she's awake
and not looking at me. She hardly ever looks at me anymore, so it's easy.
I probably shouldn't, I know. The what ifs aren't good for me, but I guess
it's comforting, to have a part of her that Oz never will. What I mean by
that is that I've memorized every gesture, every curve of her body and the
line of her neck. I know about her child hood-- I'm the key figure there.
So it feels good to be a part of her heart where he's not allowed.
Except that she's giving him access to more and more these days.
I remember when we were kids, how we slept in the same bed, all curled up
together for warmth and comfort. I remember how I would protect her feelings
from Cordelia's words, and she would do the same with me for my dad's.
Whenever he would yell at me, she would come to my side and stare up at him
with those big eyes of hers and he would soften.
She has no idea how much she saved me from when she was at my house. When
she wasn't... That was a different story, but all that mattered were those
eyes-- Sweet and innocent and pleading for him not to hurt me. It was the
weirdest thing; As soon as she would start looking at him like that, he would
drop his fist and shut his mouth, patting me on the head before he left the
room.
And then things stopped.
My dad doesn't bug me much anymore, I guess because he figures I'd defend
myself now that I'm strong enough to. But sometimes I dream of Willow, all
grown up like she is now, but with that soft look on her face, in her eyes.
And I dream she touches my face and whispers that she loves me.
But they're only dreams. I still watch her, when she's not looking. I still
trace the curve of her neck with my eyes and pretend that I'm touching her
with my mouth. I still think of her constantly, much to the annoyance of
Buffy, who's become my confidant on the matter of our best friend.
But I can't do anything about it.
It's my own fault. That I was too blind with comfort that I lost out on the
chance of having the most extraordinary woman as mine. That I broke her
heart so many times that she could never put it back together with me. That
she found the only man who could repair it so soon after I rejected her yet
again isn't my fault, but I certainly had a hand in it.
She'd say that no one was to blame. She'd hug me and smile that sunny smile
of hers and tell me not to worry, that sometimes Fate just hands you what
you're supposed to have and that the only way to be happy is to take it and
love it and treasure it.
But if she said that, what she would be missing was the fact that Fate *did*
hand me what was supposed to be mine-- Several times. Willow's unconditional
love was offered to me so many times that, looking back, I can't even count
them all. And I know that it was Fate's way of saying that we were perfect
for each other, that we were meant to be together.
It must have been. Because we are.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had kissed her that night
that Buffy came home from her father's house, so many years ago. If I had
just let go, if I had just leaned forward a second sooner, let my intent
be
more known. If I just hadn't backed away from her in that last moment. For
the longest time I told myself that it was the vampire who stopped me, and
that it was a good thing, that I was grateful for the interruption. But
really, I had been pulling away before I had sensed danger of the physical
sense.
I knew, deep down, that if I kissed her then, I would be totally lost.
Willow would never hurt me, I was sure of it, but I wouldn't be in control
of
myself after that. She would own my heart in a way she hadn't yet, and that
scared me. Danger to make me bleed, no. Danger to make me scar, definitely.
Buffy was safer. I liked her, I thought she was pretty and talented, and
though she was my friend, she wasn't a part of me.
She had the potential to break my heart. Even though it was obvious that
Willow never would.
Except that she has now. I guess that doesn't make much sense.
I'm not sure it needs to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Willow waves her hand in front of my face and I shake my head, snapping out
of my thoughts and smiling at her. "Are you there, Xander?"
I grin. "No, I'm here."
She laughs, a feathery sound. "That was worse than most of your jokes."
I sit up on her bed and she leans rolls her chair toward me from where she
was sitting, working on her computer. I watch as the hair falls in her eyes
and she starts to brush it impatiently back. I'm as surprised as she is when
my hand catches hers in mid-air and stills it while I smooth her hair back
for her.
Our eyes lock and her breath catches, and suddenly I don't feel like I can
breathe very well. Or think. Or move. I want to kiss her, more than
anything, and so I lean forward until our lips are brushing lightly.
"It's hard, isn't it?" she asks softly, and I pull back before the kiss can
really begin.
I smirk, winking at her to lighten the moment. "You have no idea how hard."
An adorable blush sneaks up around her ears and she slaps my arm fondly.
"Xander!" she giggles. After a moment, she quiets and looks at me seriously.
"I mean it."
A sigh escapes me. "I know you do. ...Yeah."
"It gets easier," she says softly. "Sooner or later. But not if you hold
on
to the guilt of it all, all the missed chances and stuff."
I take her hand gently. "You think so?"
Suddenly that look is on her face, the soft look that I still crave, a look
saying that she wants nothing more than to protect me from pain and she nods.
"Do you trust me?"
"More than anyone," I say, and I'm shocked at how emotional I'm becoming--
On
the verge of tears over something that can't be.
"Then yes. I think so." She smiles sadly. "You're not to blame for this,
Xander, you never were. Maybe someday you'll know that."
A thought occurs to me, and I realize that I feel better. "Do I trust you?"
I ask.
She gives me a quick grin. "More than anyone."
I give her hand a squeeze. "Then maybe I know it now."
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and let you cut the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
No one ever is to blame, No one ever is to blame