Summary: Someone contemplates the coming changes. Set a few years in the
future.
Spoilers: Minor through season four of Buffy.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. I like to make them talk to themselves.
Rating: PG/PG13

I see the future in your eyes right now. My future, your future. I never
thought that I would be thinking of them separately, like I am at this
moment. I never thought that there would be one minute, from the moment I
met you, that you would be out of my life. It just didn't occur to me that
we weren't that important, important enough to save.

Buffy saves humanity. I thought...

I guess I thought that we would save us.

There hasn't been a time in my life without us. You know, the kind of us you
hear about in stories that old people tell their children and grandchildren
about. Using the words we and us in every single sentence that describes the
past? 'We met when we were three. We met in the playground. And as soon as
we met, we knew that we would become an us. That's how it worked out.'

At least, that's the way I figured it. I saw us old and together, probably
married with three or four kids. You used to talk about kids to me; used to
talk about everything with me. I still remember the names you picked out:
Nicole, Alison and Cynthia if you had girls, and Jeremy, Tyler and James for
the boys. You may not know it now, not when everything has changed so much,
but I listened to you.

I heard everything.

I see sadness in your eyes too, like the sadness that I'm sure is reflected
in mine. It hurts, to know that this is ending. Or to know that it already
has ended, and we're just now catching up to that fact. It hurts so much
that later, when I'm alone in my apartment, getting drunk, I won't be able to
breathe, because I feel like I haven't ever taken a single breath in my life
without you in it. You were all that to me; air, water, sustenance,
everything it takes to survive.

I don't like this feeling. I don't like this pain of knowing too much.
Maybe I thought that it didn't ever have to end, you and me. Maybe I thought
that if I just held on a little longer, no matter how wide the gap had
stretched, that things would work out in the end. We'd always worked things
out before.

There are so many things right now that just feel wrong.

Like, I hate that I'm not sure what to say to you. Before, it didn't seem to
matter-- we could talk about anything or everything or nothing, talk for
hours, and never get tired of hearing each other speak. Never get tired of
listening to the sound of each other's voice. I'm still not tired of your
voice; I don't know if it's possible to be. But I do know that I don't know
what to say to you, and I feel like that's killing me slowly inside.

I feel myself shake when you flash me that smile, because it's so familiar
and so different all at the same time. It's slightly awkward, like you don't
know what to say either, and it melts me and freezes me in an instant.

You were always able to thaw me out, did you know that? I would cover up
whatever pain I was holding onto with humor, but you would look at me and I
couldn't hide anymore. I couldn't pretend. You were my conscience and my
counselor, the woman that I loved and the friend I needed, the person who
meant the most to me and the person I couldn't admit to falling in love with,
the memories of my youth and the hope for my future. You were so many things
to me.

I feel my throat close up as I think that word: were. Past tense. It scares
me a little.

You still are those things, in a way. You still believe in me, you still
forgive almost everything I've done to hurt you. You still look at me and
melt my heart. You still give me tingles. You still make me feel worthy,
even though I know that I'm the last person in the world who's worthy of your
love.

I still love you, Willow.

I wish I could say all of these things out loud, but they're just sticking in
my throat. My mind is moving too fast to remember everything that I'm
thinking, and my heart is beating too hard to distinguish any of my feelings.


You touch my heart, you know.

Even now, I want to hold you and kiss you and make everything better. A part
of me is telling me to do that, but I won't. You look too sad, and too
happy, for me to try to mix up your feelings by telling you mine. Maybe a
part of you knows what this is all about, and I don't have to explain. Maybe
you're feeling the same things I am; you probably are. Only just... not in
the same way.

I'd like to blame this on something. Like, if Buffy had never come to town,
would I have realized what I should have when I should have realized it? If
you had never met Oz, would we have gotten together as soon as we should
have? If I had never fallen for Cordelia or Anya, or anyone else who wasn't
you, would it have hurt you so badly? If Oz hadn't broken your heart, would
you have come to me that night a year later and let me make love to you until
we were both shaking, until we were almost in tears from the electricity in
the air?

If we hadn't gotten in that fight, would we still be together; would we still
know each other by heart?

And if Oz hadn't come back...

If Oz hadn't come back, would it be me that you were marrying in a few
minutes?

I like to think so. I like to think that you would take my hand and look
into my eyes and maybe cry a little, in that cute way that you have. I like
to think that it would be my ring sliding onto your finger, my voice pledging
to love you forever, my future you were investing yourself in. I like to
think all those things, even though I know they're not true.

You say you're happy now, so I won't push you. I won't tell you these
things, everything that I'm feeling and thinking. I won't tell you that I
cried last night, like I cried the night that you told me that you and Oz had
gotten back together, your voice so happy that there was no way I could
believe it wasn't true. I won't tell you that I'm in love with you and
always will be, or tell you that you're the only person in the world who
means anything to me.

Buffy, Giles, Cordelia, Oz...

I love them.

But not like I love you.

I'll never love anyone like that again. It's simply not possible.

So I guess I'll be your friend, instead of telling you all of what's going
through my mind. I guess I'll stand by you, and love you from afar, and tell
you jokes and let my heart ache every time you laugh at them. I guess I'll
never kiss you again, except for the brotherly kisses that I'll be allowed to
give you on every holiday... Even though those aren't enough. I guess I'll
never have you lying beside me, your hair wrapped around my arm as you're
snoring softly.

You snore, you know. I don't think I ever told you that.

Not that I ever minded.

I'll be your friend. Maybe in time we'll start thinking of each other as
best friends again, but it won't ever be the same. It can't. God, I wish it
could. I wish that we could go back and do things over; I wish that that
fight had never happened, I wish that Oz had never come back, I wish that
tonight was going to be our wedding. I wish that I were waiting at that
altar for you right now, instead of standing in front of you, watching you
wait for me to say something.

"I love you, Will," I finally say, shifting from foot to foot. I blink back
the tears that force themselves into my eyes and hope that you don't know
what I really mean, even as I'm hoping that you do.

You look at me and your smile becomes a little less awkward; your mouth
curves warmly, and you lean up and kiss me gently on the mouth.

Okay, you do know.

But you'll pretend you don't. I can see that in your eyes right now.

"I love you too," you whisper, and I know that it's the last time that I'm
going to get to hear that, at least the last time you'll ever say it to me in
that voice. My arms fold you close to me, and you hug me back, sniffling a
little.

And I say the only thing that comes to mind.

"Congratulations."
* * * * * * *

I walk up the aisle with Buffy. She looks at me in concern, and says softly,
"You doing okay, Xand?"

"Not really," I reply, trying to unclench my jaw so that I won't look furious
when the ceremony starts.

We get up to the altar and separate, Buffy on Willow's left and me on Oz's
right. And then there's a collective gasp, and the crowd stands up as you
enter the room. Oz looks blown away.

I probably look that way too, even though I saw you only minutes ago.

I must, because I am.

You walk up the aisle looking, for all intents and purposes, like you're
floating. You smile and there it goes again: my heart is melting.

Your eyes lock with mine for a moment, and I hurt more than I have in a long
time. I'd like to keep looking at you, to at least pretend that you're
walking towards me, but that might hurt too much, so I break your gaze and
glance at Oz instead. When I look back toward you, your eyes have shifted to
him, and you look... giddy and sweet and full of love.

You looked at me that way once.

You finally reach him, and hand your bouquet to Buffy, placing your hands in
Oz's. Your eyes catch hold of each other.

I see my future in your eyes tonight.

But you see yours in his.

The End


Here's where the feedback goes
More love triangles
Something else