Summary: Willow is dying and needs to make amends.
Spoilers: Lover's Walk
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, no matter how much I wish they were. < sigh > They belong to Joss Whedon and the WB I have to live with borrowing them for my stories.
Rating: G

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The Rest is Silence was nominated for a 1999 Golden Frog Award in the category of Best Tear Jerker/Sad Fic.

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******

I am dying. The doctor has just informed me of the news. His voice was very comforting and sorrowful, but he couldn't not tell me. I wished there was a way before, but now I know there isn't.

I stare out the window of my private hospital room for hours. I try not to think. Instead, I let the nurses and orderlies bustle in and out. Some of the nicer ones, whom I have gotten to know over the last two months try to make me smile, but my heart is stubborn with unshaped grief, and I refuse. I look out the window. A light snow falls from a sky white and gray with clouds. Appropriate.

There was a time in my life when I was so full of hope. When everything was perfect, and I had no need for impossible wishes. I do now. But the word I used is impossible. The word all of the doctors use is the same. I wonder what my death will be like. I've certainly seen enough death in my life to know what death itself is like.

I wonder briefly who to call. Two names stand out in my mind immediately, but I push them away, ticking off the names of others on my fingers. Cordelia. Married and lives in New York. She wouldn't want to fly to Seattle for someone she who betrayed her friendship. Buffy. Died with Angel in a fire. Giles. Dear Giles, he passed on long ago. From grief over his lost Slayer, many said. Thinking about Giles makes me sad. At least he is with Jenny now...

My mind wanders to the names I can't forget. I haven't been allowed to forget them since I left. They are my curses, and my loves. My dreams and nightmares and realities of every waking moment. Xander and Oz. The two men in my life. I need to call them, I know. I wonder if they care.

****

I had the doctor make the calls. That way, there would be no awkwardness if they didn't want to come. I wouldn't be able to blame them. I left Sunnydale without saying goodbye to either of them. Maybe that is just my fear speaking, telling me they won't come. There is a part of me deep down, the part I keep secret, hidden, that knows that they will. And I have no idea what to say when they do.

The phone rings and I pick up. It's a nurse, asking if I would allow two gentlemen to come into my room. I tell her yes, and wait tensely. I had no idea they would arrive together, or be here so soon. It's only been two days since I found out. Someone knocks lightly on the door. I brace myself and tell them to come in.

God, the sight of them makes me more weak than I should be. Oz is carrying flowers, a beautiful bouquet of carnations and Xander is carrying balloons. They both look only five years older, as they should. I wonder how old I look. Xander's hair is raked back in a fashionable style, and he is wearing the friendship bracelet I made for him our freshman year of high school. I don't miss the significance of this gesture. He smiles warmly at me, but I can tell that his lips are quivering. I should have done something to make myself look better.

Oz. My eyes rest on him, and soak his form up greedily. His hair is the color I always like it best as-- white strawberry blond. He too, is wearing something that I gave him, a silver class ring. I gave it to him the summer before I left, and though I knew he treasured it, I never saw him wear it until now. I wonder what *that* means. His eyes are bloodshot.

"Hey, Baby," he whispers. I look at his face intently as he speaks the words, and then I break down in tears.

*****

I was frantic when her doctor called me. I couldn't believe that Willow-- My Willow-- was dying. My childhood friend, a person that I loved more deeply than life itself. It just didn't seem possible. My love for her seemed sewn into my heart or something. I don't remember a time that I didn't love her with everything that I had. Growing up, she was really all I had, and I had always wanted to repay her. Protect her, maybe. Do *something* to let her know that she was that important to me. Yeah, Xander. Look how good a protector you were.

I called Oz right away. He had been informed right before me. He didn't talk to me about the fights that we had after she left, or about the pain that we both carried over her, but we simply decided on a time and met at the LAX then. We flew into Seattle together. Not knowing what to say, we kept silent for the ride to the hospital, except for one moment when Oz spoke to me.

"Is this really happening?"

My throat was sore with unshed tears when I finally answered. "Yeah."

*******

Oz takes my hand, softly at first and then gripping it tighter when I squeeze his. He looks like he doesn't believe it.

"Willow, I want you to know that I'll always be here." He speaks quietly, the somber atmosphere of the hospital and my tears scaring him.

"I won't be," I murmur and both of them let their tears fall. Xander goes to the other side of my bed and takes my hand. I can't believe that they're here, and that their forgiveness came so easily. Oz's thumb strokes the top of my hand, avoiding the IV in it.

"Forgiveness for what?" I look at Xander and realize that I had been mumbling my thoughts.

"That I-- That I left you guys. That I didn't tell you goodbye. That I forbid Buffy or Giles to let you know where I was." The words come out in a rush and I stop to take a breath. "That I wanted you both so much that I hurt so many people and friendships."

"Oh, that?" Xander smiles shakily again.

*******

I'm holding her hand. Her actual hand is in mine. After all these years. Her hand. It's smaller, I think, and paler, but it's hers. Awe fills me, and I ignore my thought that there is another man holding her other hand. Another man that she loves. Now is not the time to make her think about choosing.

After the call from the doctor, I sat by the phone waiting for the inevitable ring to come. No more than five minutes later, it rang and I calmly picked it up, knowing that Xander would be on the other end.

I didn't talk to him about how I hated him for confusing her like that. I didn't blame him again, like I had for two years after Willow left. We just made quiet plans to meet and go to her. He was grieving as well.

The car ride over seemed like a dream. A nightmare. It simply wasn't happening that this girl-- a girl who had taken my heart so long ago and kept it with her, even after she left me-- was gone. Tears flooded my eyes as I stared at the ground whirring past us out the window. We only spoke once, the entire time we were alone.

"Is this really happening?" I needed to hear Xander-- Anyone-- say no, of course not. You're having a bad dream, Oz. Wake up.

Xander took a minute before he replied. I thought he hadn't heard me, and in that case I had hope that this wasn't real. None of the last day and a half were real.

"Yeah."

*******

Maybe it's because I'm seeing them. I had been holding on for so long that I didn't realize how much strength I had used up. Seeing them makes me weaker, but I think it's making me stronger, too. Or, at least my spirit is getting stronger. My body is going to be dead soon. I can feel it. Very, very soon.

Though the thought terrifies me to the center of my heart, I merely look up at them and nod my head. They both seem to know what it means for their tears come faster and faster, streaking down their faces. I'm scared, but I also feel... What? Release? Yes.

My voice is raspy when I try to speak, and I gesture for the water on the table. Oz hands it to me hurriedly. I take a sip and hand it back to him.

"I want to talk to you both separately." There are a lot of things to work out, but I know that we will never get to them, so I have to talk about the really important things at hand. They look at each other, kind of a staring contest, and finally Oz squeezes my hand and leaves the room.

*******

I'll have to thank Oz later. That was really decent of him. Willow tugs gently on my hand and I sit in a nearby chair that allows me to be closer to her. She then lets go of my hand and reaches up to stroke my face softly. "My friend," she rasps. "My dear, dear friend." Her eyes are shining with tears. "Xander, I don't ever remember not loving you. You are almost everything to me." I wince slightly at her reference to Oz, but sit quietly and wait for her to say what she wanted.

"I thank you for your forgiveness. I don't get how it was so easy for you. Do you know that everything inside me screams that I'm going to live? I want to. I want to be with you and-and..." She trails off and looks at me sadly. "But that's not possible. So I want you to take this with you. Please don't read it until I'm gone. You won't have to wait long." The words she speaks, so calmly despite the tears that have once again started running down her face, cut my soul in two. I want to argue, but even I see that there is no time. She hands me a letter that she has produced from under her pillow.

"Willow, I love you. I love you in every way that someone can love another person. You were always there for me, Will. No matter what?" She nods, a small smile flickering over her lips. "Hey. Hey, remember when we first became the Slayerettes? How everything was so fun and wonderful then? That's how it will always be between us. I'll remember everything, and I'll love you for all of it, but I'll remember that happiness most. There is so much love for you inside of me, Willow..." Her tears are flowing freely now and still she is smiling.

Willow gestures towards the door and I get up to leave and send Oz in. I lean down and kiss her gently. Even as her mouth meets mine and fills me with every wonderful emotion that I've ever experienced, I am thinking No. No, this won't really happen after all. I finally pull away and look at her again before heading towards the door.

Her weak voice stops me. "Xander?" I turn around. "I love you, too." I nod, quickly, and leave the room. I'm having trouble breathing.

*******

I look at Xander as he exits, but his eyes don't meet mine as he gestures for me to go in. He looks like he is dying, or like something is taking out every unit of strength he has. I slip in the room quietly.

Her eyes are closed, and she is weeping silently. My heart clenches, over and over again. I finally walk over beside her and her eyes flutter open. "Oh-- Oz. Sit down." She sounds and looks to frail to touch, like a piece of beautiful, aged lace. Her eyes, though, are bright and green, and I sense determination in them.

"I don't have much time now, Oz. I just wanted you to know that I love you. You're one of the best people I've ever met, and I want you to know that I'm not sure who I would be if I had never known you." She stops and looks at me tiredly. I take her hands in mine.

"Willow, do you remember when you gave me this ring?" She nods. "I never wore it because-- Well, because it was something too close to my heart. I felt so good about this ring that it scared me. As if that makes any sense, something feeling so wonderful that your heart closes with fear."

"It does make sense," she whispers.

"I wear it now because, well, it's all I have of you. When you left, I knew I would see you again, so I wore this every moment. I wanted to be wearing it when we saw each other again. I didn't know that it would be like this. I wanted you to know that I loved you." She reaches up and absently brushes away a few of my tears. She takes out a letter from behind her pillow.

"Take this. Read it after I... Read it after. I love you, Oz." I nod and take the letter from her as her head dips onto the pillow. "I need to rest, I think."

I lean down and kiss her. My heart is suddenly filled with sadness and joy. All at once, it creates an emotion like I never knew existed. I didn't know it was possible to *create* emotions. With Willow, it apparently is.

I leave the room before she can see my tears.

******

It's dark. The pain is leaving me. I smile one last time as I remember the letters I gave them.

******

Oz came out of the room and gestured for the nurse, as if he knew it was time. She glanced at the look on his face and rushed into the room. Willow had died.

Xander got up and the boys regarded each other uneasily. Each remembered her kisses, and each remembered her last words to them. Weighing their options, grief finally overruled hate and resentment, and Xander reached out to hug Oz.

They cried together.

*****

Hours later, they read their letters together. Each said the exact same thing, a change only in the names.

"Dear Oz,

I love you both..." Oz trailed off and looked at Xander. Xander finished, thinking about how wise the woman they loved was, even in death.

"...So love each other."

The End.

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