Teaser : A spark of mistrust and chance causes Cordelia to come to a lifeshattering descision, that leads her to a life in which she has everything, but the love she needs. Years later, she attempts to come to terms with what she's done and pick up the shards of her life, but it may already be too late.
Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
Spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.

Summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.But to read this story, all you need to know is that after Angel returned from Hell, Buffy and Angel decided that being together was to hard on Giles and Angel left town.

Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's still more I could thank you for. :)

Part One

Cordelia Chase's apartment
May 28, 2005


Cordelia stared blankly at the door her husband had just slammed behind him, one lone tear marring the perfection of her face. Leaning back in her chair she sighed deeply, her eyes closing as she reached up and pushed her thick hair back from her forehead. She opened her eyes slowly, taking in the emptiness of her home, the quiet that surrounded days.

A half-smile flitted across her face as she remembered the danger she had faced in every one of those days she now recalled as happy times. Those days, those years, were all that sustained her now, in the hollow perfection of her life. She felt the familiar ache in her stomach as she remembered the only true friends she had ever known and the only true love she had ever felt. The things she had traded for the life her parents wanted for her; the life she had grown up knowing would be hers. She had been so close to having everything. To having love and friends and happiness, until one moment of weakness and mistrust had shattered it all. Wrapping her arms tightly around herself she decided to finally face the memory. To look at the past from a
much different vantagepoint then she had first seen it, starting with the prom, five years ago tonight. The night she considered the happiest of her life.

*******
May 28, 1999

"Are you guys ready yet?" Willow's voice was plaintive as she stuck her head in Cordelia's large bathroom, where both Buffy and Cordelia were putting the finishing touches on their make-up. "The guys will be here soon."

"I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. I don't want to go to the prom." Buffy muttered as she struggled to place one errant strand of hair. "And with Larry? He's such a pervert. I'm going to spend the whole night fighting him off."

"Xander swears that won't be a problem. He said Larry will be a perfect gentleman and to just trust him." Cordelia spoke into the mirror as she shrugged her shoulders. "Xander said Larry wasn't exactly who we thought he was, whatever that means."

"Well, it's only for tonight Buffy, you don't have to see him again after this." Willow spoke comfortingly, her face sympathetic. "If you would date then maybe you could find someone you like to be with."

Buffy ignored her as she walked over to her kitbag and fished through it. Finding what she was looking for she smiled down at the large silver cross resting in her hand for a moment before placing it around her neck. The other two girls stared at her silently, waiting for her explanation. Buffy looked up at them, her face both defiant and sad. "Giles won't be at the dance." Her shoulders slumped slightly, before she straightened them and stood up. "I just need more time, Angel's a pretty hard act to follow. Just...just let me have this, okay?"

The two girls continued staring at Buffy, then nodded. Cordelia spoke first, her voice deliberately cheerful. "It really sets off the neckline of your dress, and the color. You look beautiful Buffy."

Buffy looked down at her dress, a shadow of the pain she still felt passing over her face. Turning to the full-length mirror Buffy smiled into it, taking in the image of the three girls standing there. Holding her hands out to both of them she let out a sigh. "Thanks. We're total hotties. The guys will be babbling idiots."

Cordelia let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding as she took Buffy's hand. Looking into the mirror at Buffy and Willow she felt a fresh burst of amazement that these two people were her friends. And real friends, not like Harmony and the others who had practically dumped her when she first started dating Xander. Her stomach clenched at the thought of him, her heart speeding up a little. She still couldn't quite believe how deeply she felt for Xander and how lucky she was that they had made it this far. She remembered their first kiss in Buffy's basement and her horror at the passion he aroused in her. Who would have thought they would still be hiding out in closets two years later?

"Earth to Cordelia, come in Cordelia." Buffy's laughing voice broke through her memories.

"What? Oh, what?" Cordelia blushed slightly as she realized that someone was ringing the doorbell. "Well, are we ready girls?"

"We are." Buffy and Willow spoke in unison as the three girls quickly headed downstairs to answer the door.


*******
May 28, 2005

Cordelia opened her eyes with a start as a loud pounding on her door interrupted her reverie. Quickly jumping up from her chair she walked over and looked through the peephole. Seeing her husband swaying in the hallway she swallowed her sudden rise of fear. Pulling the door open she put on her best fake smile as he pushed past her, heading to the bathroom. She stood helplessly outside, listening to the sound of her perfect husband's retching. Pushing away the disgust that rose in her throat she knocked on the door asking him if he wanted any help; the timid note in her voice disgusting her almost as much as the man that was on the other side. At his harsh rebuff she turned and walked away, hoping that, for tonight at least, he was home to stay.

Wandering into her private dressing room her eyes restlessly searched the room. She stared sadly at the make-up piled on the table, the closets filled to capacity with all the latest fashions, the jewelry that should be in a safe. Tears began to fall slowly down her face as she tried to choke them back. Slipping down to the floor she lay curled up in a ball, wondering how it had all come to this.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Part Two


"Cordy...wow. I mean wow." Xander repeated himself for the fiftieth time since he had first seen her at the door. Slipping his arm over her shoulder he pulled her closer to him and for a short moment Cordelia could swear that everyone else disappeared. Laying her head on his shoulder as he kissed her forehead she had no doubts that she had made the right choice when she had given up everything to be with him.

Smiling to herself she realized that she had gotten so much more than Xander in return. She had real friends, who, although they had a shaky start, actually liked her for her. She stole a glance at Willow who was gazing adoringly at Oz, and then her eyes were dragged, almost unwillingly to Buffy. It was still hard sometimes to forget how much Xander had once loved the beautiful Slayer, hard for her to believe him when he said that he was no longer in love with her. Cordelia stared at her friend, noticing the tightness in Buffy's jawline, the slight darkness under her eyes that no amount of make-up could hide. Mostly she noticed the pain that hid just under the surface of every expression on Buffy's face. Looking away from Buffy, she lifted her head to kiss Xander's neck, thankful that no one would ever ask her to give him up. She still marveled at Buffy's strength, to send Angel away for Giles. She closed her eyes, offering up a silent prayer that Buffy would find someone who could help her through the pain the Slayer was still struggling with.

"Well Cordelia, you seem very cozy with your freak friends."

"Harmony. You look....cheap." Xander tossed back, without moving his arm from around Cordelia.

"Excuse me, but I was talking to Cordelia." Harmony spoke coldly; her eyes fastened on Cordelia's face.

"What do you want?" Cordelia's voice was guarded. She had taught Harmony every trick of belittling she had ever known, and Harmony was very good at practicing on her former mentor.

"I just wanted to suggest...to spare you the embarrassment...that maybe you should take your name out of the running for prom queen." Harmony had the grace to look slightly uncomfortable while speaking, but behind her discomfort Cordelia could also see her enjoyment at causing pain.

Relieved, Cordelia smiled broadly at her, thankful once again for the escape she had made from being exactly like Harmony. "I'll take my chances." Turning her face away from Harmony she began talking with Willow and Buffy, dismissing Harmony. Her once friend had stood there for a moment, and Cordelia could feel the anger radiating from her. Cordelia let a small bit of satisfaction run through her, what good was having all the skills of a bitch if you never used them. Harmony should have remembered who taught her to be the bitch she was now. A tiny light shone in her eyes for a moment as Harmony stalked away, her head flung high into the air.

"Why do you want to be prom queen anyway Cordelia?" Willow's voice held no judgment, only curiosity as she leaned against Oz.

Cordelia looked at her, surprised at the question, and even more surprised that she couldn't think of an answer. She had just dreamed of being prom queen for so long that she had never stopped to think of why she had wanted it in the first place. Leaning closer to Xander, a puzzled expression on her face, she thought back to the first time she had ever heard of the prom queen. She had been six years old and looking through photo albums with her mother. They had come to a picture, obviously formally done, of her mother and father at their prom, the crowns shining on their heads. They had looked so wonderful to Cordelia and she had pestered her mother about the crowns until her mother had spun the whole night into a wonderful fairy tale for her. Her mother had told her it was one of the happiest nights of her life, dancing with the man she would later marry. Cordelia had dreamt of itever since, knowing that on the night of the prom she would be crowned queen and her future husband would rule beside her. She grinned, feeling silly over her fantasy now, but unable to stop wanting to standon the stage with Xander by her side. Almost as if she could be crowned with him, then they would be protected from the danger of their life, and get to be together forever.

Noticing that Willow was still waiting patiently for an answer, and that the rest of the table had become silent, Cordelia chuckled softlybefore speaking. " I don't. Not like you think. I mean..." Cordelia broke off, staring at the people who had become so important to her. Gripping Xander's hand tightly she continued speaking. "I mean, after I fell for the geek here." Cordelia grinned at Xander, removing any sting from her words. "Nothing that was important to me before means much anymore."

At Buffy's mocking grin Cordelia flushed then smiled knowingly. "Well, I do still think important to look your best. And I'll never be able to say that I adore Xander's taste in clothes, but he's got other assets that more than make up for his horrible fashion choices."

"I protest your unfairness. Look at me, I'm perfect." Xander said, hishands running over his tuxedo.

Cordelia took a moment to look at him, enjoying how good he looked. "For tonight, I'll have to agree. But to get back to Willow's question.I'm still in the running cause it makes Harmony mad."

Xander grinned as he kissed her forehead. "That's my girlfriend, mean, mean, mean."

"I don't know." Buffy spoke thoughtfully; her sad eyes fastened on Cordelia. "She's got way more heart than I ever dreamed of."

Cordelia smiled quickly at Buffy before ducking her head so that the Slayer wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Of course Buffy wouldn't believe the easy answer, she had seen too much in her short life to ever take anything at face value. Cordelia looked up into Buffy's eyesagain; knowing the other girl wouldn't push for the truth. The look inBuffy's eyes still made her stomach feel hollow. The pain Buffy couldn't erase even when she was trying with everything she had to seem happy.

Cordelia wondered if she would ever look at Buffy again without being reminded of the night a soaking wet Buffy had shown up outside the window of her car after she had said her good-byes to Angel. The sobbing wreck who had sat shaking in the back of her car as Cordelia had driven Xander home before he let any of his venom towards Angel show. Then she had quickly called Willow, stopping to pick the Hacker up before taking Buffy to her house. They had let Buffy talk all night, letting her mourn for the man she loved. The man she had given up for
her Watcher. The three of them had bonded that night while sharing the Slayer's pain and saying farewell to the vampire who had been their friend. It was that night that Cordelia had finally accepted that shewould never again be able to be the shallow person she once was.

Shaking her head Cordelia pulled herself from her thoughts, Buffy was going to be okay, and Willow had received an e-mail from Angel telling her that he was doing fine. They would both do fine, she told herself, shuddering at the thought of losing Xander.

She jumped when everyone at the table started clapping wildly. Xander was pulling her to his feet, a huge grin on his face. She looked at him, her expression perplexed, as he pulled her to him and kissed her.Pulling away she looked around the room, her eyes stopping when they connected with Buffy's. The Slayer grinned at her, looking almost truly happy. "You won Cordy. Chalk one up for the freaks of the world."

Shocked into silence, Cordelia had let Xander pull her to the stage, barely noticing Harmony seething as she walked by. She didn't say a word as the crown was placed on her head, and Xander made a goofy speech that made everyone laugh. Then he led her to the dance floor and for once in his life Xander Harris passed over his patented Xander dance in favor of a slow waltz, holding her tightly to his chest. Cordelia leaned against him, surprised at the relief she felt. Things would be okay; she felt that now with a certainty that had always evaded her in the past. She danced the night away, wrapped in Xander's arms, so sure that things were exactly as they were meant to be.

*************
May 28, 2005

Cordelia drifted off to sleep, her arms wrapped around herself as memories of dancing in Xander's arms soothed her.

She woke abruptly a few hours later, the hardwood floor cold against her cheek. She pulled herself to a sitting position, leaning back against the wall as she tried to figure out how the certainty of that night had faded. How she had let the love of her life go, no, how she had pushed the love of her life away.

Standing up she walked through the connecting door leading into her bedroom. She walked in quietly, not surprised to find it empty. She would have been shocked if her husband was even sure which room she slept in. Trying to remember the last time her husband had touched herat all, she slowly lay down on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Letting her mind drift back again, to the night of the prom.

************
May 28, 1999

"Are you sure?" Xander said, staring intently at the floor as they sat, not touching on the edge of the bed.

"Totally. You?" Cordelia could hear the slight quiver in her voice as she answered him.

"I've been sure since...well...for a long time." Xander broke off, his eyes wandering around the room. "It's not exactly the Sunnydale Inn."

Cordelia checked out the room, a slight smile on her face. "A Motel Six seems perfect somehow. I mean, it is you Xander."

"You wound me with your words." Xander spoke mockingly, as he fell backwards onto the bed; his hands holding an imaginary hole in his chest.

Cordelia shook her head in amused tolerance before laying down beside him, her stomach wrapped in knots. "This is nice." Cordelia whispered as she snuggled closer to Xander. They curled up together, neither willing to make the first move.

"Nice? I'm freezing here." Xander spoke against her neck sending chills down Cordelia'a spine. A soft laugh escaping her she pulled the blanket from the bottom of the bed up and pulled it and his arms tighter around her.

"But we are alone." Cordelia whispered, her lips trembling.

Xander nuzzled his chin into her neck for a moment before mumbling his agreement. Then slowly he began kissing her neck and tickling her with the stubble on his face. With a helpless giggle Cordelia fell back into him, turning over in her struggle to escape. Suddenly Xander was leaning over her, his face contorted into a caricature of himself, "Mee Luv, how can a poor simple farm boy argue weeth such a wise and sopheesticated lady such as yourself?"

Cordelia looked up into the dark eyes of her boyfriend and felt herself drowning, "You shouldn't." Her voice was breathless, the longing in her stomach that seemed to grow every time she was with him stealing her ability to breathe.

Xander took in her flushed cheeks and clouded eyes, and with a proprietary grin he leaned in and claimed her mouth. Pulling back slightly Xander stared down at her, his eyes filled with more than desire. "I love you."

Cordelia stared back at him, her heart pounding in anticipation. "I love you." Her hand reached up to caress his face, amazed that she could feel this way.

Xander kissed her then, the passion in it taking her breath away. His hands slowly pulling the straps of her dress down. Cordelia shivered as his fingers brushed her chest, a slight gasp escaping her lips. She slipped away from him and moving to stand in front of him, she unzipped her dress and let it fall to the floor. She grinned at him, feeling self-conscious, until he smiled slowly at her, his hands reaching out to trace a line from her neck down to her waist before pulling her to him. His lips traced the path his hand had taken, light kisses covering her body.

She had woken early the next morning feeling more content than she had ever been. A smile lit her face as she looked up at the man whose arms held her. He looked so peaceful, his breathe slow and even. She snuggled closer, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers. A wicked grin formed on her face as she considered the best way to wake him.


CONTINUE