Part Three
May 28, 2005
Cordelia stuffed her fist in her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs that wanted
to escape. She was the one who had done this, had chosen the safe life over
the one she wanted. That night had been everything to her, all the love in
the world was hers and she had let it go. She hadn't fought, hadn't cried,
she had just stepped back into her shell and let love pass her by.
She was grateful for that night though, she always would be. Every time her
husband ignored her, or came home drunk, even the times that he brought home
one of his girlfriends she remembered that she had once been loved by a man
who would have given her anything. She had once spent a night in heaven and
nothing could take that from her.
Once again she thought of Buffy, and how she had held herself together when
Angel had lost his soul, and later when she had lost him again. Cordelia
had never understood how the Slayer had gone on, how she had ever laughed
again. It was only when she lost Xander that she understood the power Angel's
love had given Buffy. It was the same power that Xander had given her that
night. No matter how much Xander hated her now, he had loved her then with
everything and that gave her something to hold onto.
She wished she could talk to Buffy now, tell her how stupid she had been
to give Xander up. Cordelia laughed at her thoughts, Buffy couldn't fix anything
for her, none of them could. They had believed her when she told them her
choice. They had believed that she wanted to be the Cordelia they had hated
again. Willow, Buffy, Oz and Xander, they had all believed her so easily.
It had torn her heart out that they hadn't thought better of her after all
the time they had spent
together, but it had made the parting easier, the anger covering the hurt.
She had lived on the anger for a long time. It had carried her through her
last years of college and through all the preparations for her wedding. It
had carried her up the aisle and it had placed her hand in the hand of her
husband-to-be. It had made the words come from her mouth and helped her hand
sign the certificate. It had traveled with her on her honeymoon, and moved
into her new penthouse apartment. It had helped her open the letter
Willow had sent her, and then it was gone, leaving her alone in a nightmare
she had made for herself.
A nightmare that she hadn't woken from yet, and probably never would. It
was only when she read Willow's words that she had realized how wrong she
had been about everything. Looking back over the events now, she couldn't
forgive herself for the mistakes she had made, even if she had thought she
was doing the unselfish thing for once in her life.
**********
Sunnydale Cemetery
July 15, 2000
Cordelia slammed on the brakes, coming quickly to a stop just outside the
Sunnydale Cemetery. She couldn't wait to tell Xander the good news, and she
knew this was the most likely place to find him since he liked to help Buffy
with her first patrol of the evening. Grinning to herself she wondered just
how much help Xander was, although she had to admit he had definitely gotten
in much better shape than he was in high school. Pushing away the thoughts
that threatened to cloud her
mind she grabbed a crucifix and her spray bottle of Holy water from her glove
compartment. "Never hurts to be prepared in this town." She muttered to herself
as she straightened her skirt before entering the graveyard.
She thought happily of her news as she wandered through the graveyard.
Xander would be so happy that she wasn't going to be so far away next
year. Her first year at design school had been really hard on them, and she
had the phone bills to prove it. Plus, she could be here to help do research
and stuff when Buffy had a really bad guy to fight. Thank God for the
internet she thought, unable even now to believe that she could complete
her education online with only three visits to the
college during the year. Twirling the crucifix around in her fingers she
stopped when she heard the sound of sobbing. Following the noise she came
upon Buffy crying in Xander's arms. Cordelia stopped, wondering what had
happened, if someone had been hurt. But she had just been with Willow, Oz,
Giles and Joyce and she couldn't think of anyone else whose death would cause
Buffy such pain. Unless Angel... Cordelia let out a soft gasp, as she stood
frozen to the spot, unable to move towards the clasped pair.
"I can't do this anymore Xander." Buffy's voice carried clearly across the
graveyard, the pain in her voice chilling Cordelia. She moved to go to the
pair, but was stopped by Xander's voice.
"You can Buffy." Xander spoke confidently, his shoulders taunt.
"I miss him so much. If only I knew where he was, if I could see him..."
The Slayer's voice trailed off as she stood looking miserably at Xander.
Cordelia let out a breath, relieved that Angel still existed.
"You don't need him. You have us, Willow, Oz, Giles, Cordy and me Buffy.
You have me." Xander's voice was panicked. "You have me Buffy."
Cordelia watched horrified as Xander took Buffy into his arms and held her.
She couldn't move as Buffy moved her lips to cover Xander's. She said nothing
as Xander kissed her back, just silently watched as her life slipped away
from her, doing nothing at all to stop it.
Xander broke the kiss, pulling away from the Slayer to look into her eyes.
Cordelia moved backwards slowly, not wanting to see the scene in front of
her, but not knowing how to look away. Xander's mouth opened to speak and
Cordelia turned and ran. She could handle everything she saw, she could know
that Xander kissed Buffy, but if she heard him say the words of love that
he had said to her only the night before she wouldn't be able to live through
the pain of it.
Cordelia walked away from the graveyard; her stomach churning so badly she
thought she would be sick. Tears streamed down her face as the betrayal sunk
in. Her love and her friend in each other's arms. She had trusted them, would
have died for them. She walked quickly, her pain hardening into blind rage.
She had given up the life she had wanted for Xander. She had risked her life
countless times to help Buffy. She had cried with her over the loss of Angel,
had supported her as the Slayer learned to live without him. She had given
Xander her heart and her soul and her body. She had trusted him, loved him
in a way she never thought was possible.
She sunk to the pavement, sobbing wildly as all the dreams she had for the
future evaporated. Cordelia thought back to the beginning of her relationship
with Xander, when she knew Xander had wanted more from the Slayer than she
was willing to give him. Cordelia shook her head, it had been years since
Xander had felt anything more than friendship for Buffy. She had been sure
of it. How could she have been so wrong?
Wiping her face Cordelia stood and walked towards her car, wanting to fix
her make-up before she confronted her former boyfriend and his friend. She
would not give them the satisfaction of seeing the pain she felt. She would
find them and tell them what she thought of their friendship and their love
and then she would leave this town and never look back.
She sat on the hood of her car, waiting for them to exit the cemetery; every
hair in place and her face clear of all signs of pain. Breathing deeply she
planned elaborate revenge fantasies that she knew she would never carry out,
but they gave her the strength to keep from sobbing. Only a few more
minutes, she told herself, a few more minutes and then you can cry.
She felt Xander coming before she saw him, her heart leaping before settling
painfully back. The Slayer walked out of the cemetery with her head low,
her face ravaged by the crying fit she had suffered earlier. Cordelia
slid off her car, wanting to be standing when the pair reached her. She looked
up into Xander's eyes and saw the love she always seen there. Turning to
Buffy she saw the shame in the Slayer's eyes and the new guilt that lived
there. She sighed softly, knowing that she couldn't add to Buffy's burden.
Her life was filled with enough guilt already. Cordelia watched them walk
towards her, one so tall and dark and the other so little and fair, their
steps in perfect sync. They look wonderful together she realized, as her
heart shattered.
She understood what she had to do as they walked towards her. Knowing with
a strange certainty that puzzled her that she would give up Xander for Buffy,
step away without a fight. Her heart raged against the thought of letting
Xander go and with him her happy life. But when she looked at the Slayer
who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders she couldn't bring herself
to hurt her any more. Xander had loved Buffy since he had met her, and with
Cordelia gone he could love her without feeling any guilt. Feeling something
shut down inside her she silently bid him good-bye.
Pasting a brittle smile on her face she spoke in a tone she hadn't used for
years, cringing at the sound of her own voice. "Buffy. You're looking a
little...ragged. You should really try waterproof make-up, it really does
stay on better." Ignoring the voice in her head that screamed at her to stop,
she watched as Buffy's eyes hardened, losing some of the guilt that had been
there.
"Cordy." Xander said, his expression a mixture of confusion and anger.
"Buffy's had a really hard night."
"And what about me? I've been waiting for you for over fifteen minutes."
Cordelia said, unable to believe how easy it was to slip into old habits.
Looking at Xander she realized how much she had depended on him to give her
the strength to be herself. Swallowing the lump in her throat she continued.
"Can we go now? This place creeps me out. I don't know why you can't
hunt in a nicer spot."
Xander stared at her, the confusion on his face changing to hurt. "Can
we give Buffy a drive home first?"
Cordelia turned to Buffy, her lips curled in distaste. "But I just had the
car vacuumed." Cordelia stopped, the pain on Buffy's face preventing her
from saying anything else. "I suppose so."
The occupants of the car were silent on the drive to Buffy's house. Cordelia
kept checking in the rearview mirror, feeling horrible about the words she
had said to Buffy. Reminding herself that she was giving everything up so
that the Slayer could have Xander, her eyes hardened. Buffy could handle
a little pain, it was the guilt she couldn't take any more of. And Cordelia
knew better than any of them how easy it was to dismiss her when she acted
like a bitch. Let them all think that
she had reverted. Lost her soul like Angel.
She pulled to a stop in front of Buffy's house, barely glancing at Buffy
as the Slayer thanked her for the drive, her voice hurt. Hurt, Cordelia thought
to herself, she's hurt and I'm the one who saw her kissing my boyfriend tonight.
Aloud she only muttered something about getting her car cleaned as she squealed
away.
Xander said nothing as she drove towards his house; just glanced at her every
few seconds, looking puzzled. When she stopped in front of his house
he turned to her. "Are you okay? Did something happen tonight?" His voice
was concerned as he slipped his arm around her.
Tell me Xander, please, she thought as she relaxed into his embrace for a
split second. "Nothing's wrong. Why? Did something happen with you?"
"No." Xander spoke quickly, his arm tightening around
her.
Cordelia ducked her head into his shoulder for a moment, wishing with everything
she was that he would have told her. Fighting back the tears she lifted her
face to his and kissed him. Putting every ounce of feeling she ever had for
him into her kiss. He kissed her back just as deeply and she melted into
his embrace.
Finally pulling away he whispered for her to come in. She shook her head,
then loosing herself in the thought of a life spent without him she slipped
out of the car and followed him into the house. He undressed her silently,
seeming to understand that there was no time for words. They fell into each
other's arms, and joined together one more time. Cordelia felt tears slipping
down her cheeks as Xander fellinto a satisfied sleep, his arms wrapped tightly
around her. She lay there as the night passed, memorizing every line on his
face, every curve of his body. Finally as the dawn broke she moved from his
embrace
and walked away.
She drove for hours that morning, planning her gift to Buffy. She realized
that she would have to be more than rude to Buffy, she would have to act
like the girl that they had all hated. Her heart broke a little bit more
as she finally understood that she would have to give all of them up, not
just Xander and Buffy. She straightened her shoulders and hardened her resolve
as she turned the car and headed to the library to begin carrying out her
plan.
She had walked in on Willow, studying with Giles, the weight of training
to be a Watcher still weighing heavily on the redhead's shoulders. It hadn't
taken much to shatter the friendships she had worked so hard to build. A
few veiled comments and some outright insults; all delivered with a smile
on her face. It got easier as she went on, the fact that no one questioned
her new behavior adding to the pain she already felt. They seemed to pull
away from her so quickly, not asking if anything was wrong or trying to talk
to her. They just shut her out as if she had never been one of them.
Conversations stopped when she came into a room, dirty looks followed
her as she walked away.
Two weeks was all it took. Two weeks to destroy every bond she had made with
them. The pain she felt wrapped itself tighter around her every minute, choking
all emotions except the anger that held her together. She said good-bye
to Xander on a Saturday night. A quick peck on the cheek and she was gone.
She never told him that she wasn't coming back and he never asked.
She drove away from Sunnydale barely able to see through her tears, but by
the time she reached Boston her tears were gone. Replaced by the anger that
would sustain her through the next few years.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Part Four
Cordelia wiped the tears from her face, the pain of losing them still fresh
after all this time. And the pain of losing them was nothing compared to
the pain she still felt without Xander. She stood and walked over
to her desk. Sitting down she opened a locked drawer and pulled out Willow's
letter, holding the tear-stained page in her hand. Smoothing it open on the
desk she began to read.
Cordelia,
I saw your wedding announcement in today's paper and I felt I had to write.
I once thought of you as a friend, and in memory of that I want to wish you
all of the best.
No, scratch that. I don't want to wish you anything good at all. You almost
destroyed Xander when you left, when you changed. He loved you so much and
you threw it away. I hope someday you regret what you did, but I guess with
no emotions it's hard to feel.
How could you do that to Xander, Cordelia? I would have staked my life on
the fact that you loved him. We all would have. He's going to be fine though,
finally. His first book will be out on the shelves next month. Yes, that's
right, the loser you were so embarrassed to be with is a success. He'll be
rich and famous and everything you ever wanted. Too bad you didn't wait,
you could have had everything without destroying him.
I want to tell you of a night, soon after he heard of your engagement. He
walked into a pack of feeding vampires armed with only one stake. He went
to die because of you. Because he thought he wasn't worth anything. Buffy
saved him at the last minute. A vampire was biting him when she arrived.
He begged her to let him go, that without you nothing seemed important, certainly
not his life.
I hope you know what you gave up Cordelia, and I hope you live with it for
a long, long time.
Willow
Cordelia folded the letter again, carefully sliding it back into its hiding
place, remembering the horror she had felt after reading it the first time.
Cursing herself again for ever believing that Xander would live happily ever
after with Buffy once she was gone.
She stood shakily and walked over to the shelf that held all of Alex Harris's
books. Pulling the very first one off the shelf, she opened it to the dedication
and traced her fingers over the words.
Dedicated to the girl who gave up everything for me. I hope you got it all
back.
Cordelia broke into loud choking sobs, pleading for understanding in an empty
room. "I didn't want it. I didn't want any of it. All I wanted was you."
Falling to her knees she cradled the book in her arms, holding the only piece
of Xander she had left.
Cordelia lay on the floor for hours after she had stopped crying, just lying
with her eyes closed and her mind empty. There was nothing left for her in
this life, she had lost everything that meant anything to her and it hadn't
done anyone any good. Buffy was still alone, and unhappy. All she had done
was to cause them more pain. She just wanted to sleep forever, to forget
everything about that time and the hope she had then.
"On the floor is where you belong my darling wife." The voice coming from
the doorway was filled with contempt.
Cordelia stiffened, realizing that she hadn't even heard him open the door.
Rolling up into a sitting position she looked at her husband, his insult
not even registering in her mind. She stared at the still handsome face that
only showed slight signs of the life he lived, the drinking and partying.
And all the women she reminded herself. The women he never even bothered
to lie about or try to hide. He stared back at her, his eyes not angry for
once, just sad.
Pulling herself to her feet she quickly put on her robe and a cheery smile
on her face. "Doug. Do you want me to make you some breakfast?" Walking quickly
towards the door she tried to slip past him.
"Do you hate me?" His voice was low, as he leaned against the doorframe and
blocked her escape.
Cordelia stopped, surprised at his question. "What? No, of course not. You're
my husband."
He smiled then, an evil smile that ran down her spine. "Then why do you cry
for him every night?"
She swallowed, not knowing the right answer to tell him. She just continued
staring at him, trying to keep her expression blank.
"Do you want him Cordelia? Want him to touch the ice queen's body? Did you
move for him honey? Or did you just lie there like you always did for me?
Cordelia Foster is too good to enjoy sex? Oh, that's right, it's Cordelia
Chase, you were too good to even take my name. Would you have taken his?
Would he have let you? Or was he smart enough to insist on sampling the goods
before signing on?"
He looked at her with such hatred that Cordelia wanted to close her eyes
to hide from it. Instead she hid behind the wall that had protected her before.
"Maybe if you hadn't slept with my maid of honor on the wedding day I might
enjoy being touched by you more."
"She certainly liked it. She did have quite a glow during the ceremony."
He laughed at the memory, before his face hardened once again. "I could make
you like it."
"No." The word flew from her mouth and she couldn't stop it. But there was
no way his hands were going to touch her ever again. She would spend the
rest of her life in this apartment as his wife, but if he touched her with
his filthy hands she would die. "Never again. You have your whores and your
booze. Live with that."
"And what if I want my wife?" He moved closer to her, his hand reaching out
to touch her face.
She backed up into the room, looking around for an escape. "Then you find
a new wife."
"But you'll never leave me Cordelia. You think this is your punishment don't
you? I'm your purgatory for a mistake you made with him." His hand grabbed
the book from her hand before she could stop him. Opening it to the dedication
he read it aloud. "To the girl who gave up everything for me. I hope you
got it all back. Well, he certainly sounds like a sap. Maybe he actually
felt something for you? Is that even possible? Can you love an empty shell?
Even if it is a very pretty shell." Her leered at her as he dropped the book
carelessly to the floor.
Cordelia wanted to run and pick it up, but she was frozen to the spot. Standing
in her room, with the man who had sworn to love, honor and protect her forever
she had never felt so alone. "Why did you marry me?"
"Because I had to." Her husband spoke casually, almost smiling.
"Why?" Her voice was haughty, and she kept her head high.
"My father threatened to cut off my trust fund if I didn't settle down with
an acceptable woman. He picked you out." Smiling openly now, her husband
walked over and sat on her bed, watching to see her reaction.
"Picked me out? What, did you give him a list of women you knew with the
right credentials?" She asked him, her mask firmly in place.
"Basically. He thought you would make good breeding material. And as long
as I'm married to you he doesn't care what I do."
Cordelia stared at him, finally understanding why he hadn't even tried to
pretend he felt anything for her after the wedding had taken place. She had
taken it for almost two years because she believed it was her fault, something
in her that turned him away. That her love for Xander had hurt him in some
way and made him into the person he was. She felt a great weight lifting
off her shoulders as she realized that she had done nothing to make him the
jerk he was. "So, I'm your ticket to a free ride?"
"Yup." He leaned back on his elbows, grinning at her with hate.
Cordelia smiled back at him, feeling the first stirring of pleasure she had
known since she had walked away from Xander. This marriage wasn't her punishment
for losing faith, and she didn't have to stay. "Last stop then Doug. This
ticket's marked void."
He jumped to his feet, fear showing in his face. He stared at her, his face
showing his realization that he had pushed to far, and given too much away.
"Cordelia, honey, I didn't mean it. I love you, I really do. We can make
this work, go to counseling. I'll stop drinking. I promise. We can be happy
together."
Her smile grew even broader as he begged her. "No we can't. Because I never
meant any of it. When I promised to be with you forever I lied. I was punishing
myself and now I'm done."
"Cordelia.." His voice trailed off as his eyes pleaded with hers.
Turning away from him she walked into her dressing room and quickly shut
and locked the door behind her. Sitting down at her make-up table she considered
her reflection in the mirror. Slowly she began brushing her hair, not responding
to her husband's pleas from the other side of the door.
"He won't take you back. This Alex Harris guy won't want you. No one will.
You'll be alone forever. He hates you now. He won't take you back."
Cordelia answered his words, softly enough that he wouldn't be able to hear
her. "Probably not. But I can handle being alone, I've been alone for years
now."
She stood up and began throwing stuff into her suitcases, only taking a fraction
of her clothes. In less than an hour she had collected everything that she
wanted to take. Everything except the letter from Willow, the reminder of
the horrible mistake she had made that she wanted to keep with her always.
She walked into her bedroom, expecting him to be waiting for her, to beg
her to stay, but the room was empty. Quickly getting the letter and all of
Xander's books she walked out of her bedroom for the last time.
Her husband sat in a chair by the door, an open bottle of whiskey in his
hand. "You'll be back. There is nothing for you out there."
Cordelia turned to look at him one last time. "There's nothing for me anywhere.
I'm a shell, remember?"
"What are you going to do?"
She stopped with her hand on the doorknob, suddenly realizing she hadn't
even considered anything beyond leaving the apartment. "I'm going home."
The words were out of her mouth before she could stop to think. But she knew
that she would go home. She would go home and she would apologize for the
pain she had caused.
CONTINUE