Part Five
Sunnydale
August 21, 2005
Cordelia leaned in the window of her car, trying unsuccessfully to grab the
mannequin that she had left sitting on the passenger side. Shifting her weight
she tried to keep a grip on the armful of stuff she was already carrying,
but failed miserably. She pulled the mannequin out of the car and stood staring
at the mess in front of her. Pushing the hair that had escaped from her ponytail
off her face she bent down to start picking things up.
Struggling into her little shop Cordelia dropped everything just inside the
door. Shaking her head she looked down at her wrinkled shirt and the stain
on her newly dry-cleaned skirt. Noticing a long run up the front of her nylons
she sighed, wondering where all her poise had escaped to. Her first client
was coming in this morning to pick up her order, and Cordelia needed to look
like she was in control.
Walking into the little dressing room she quickly peeled off her nylons,
dumping them into the trash can. Looking around at the clothes hanging all
around the room she pulled a simple dress off a hanger and quickly changed.
Pulling a brush through her hair she peeked in a mirror and decided that
it was the best she could do, dropping the brush she went back out front
to straighten up before her client's arrival.
Nervously tapping her fingers along a table she checked her watch one more
time, ten minutes late now. She cursed herself for not insisting on payment
up front. But her old pride had kept her from doing anything that might imply
that she needed any money to keep this shop going. She pictured herself having
to ask her father for help, seeing the condescending look on his face as
her wrote her a check. Blocking the thought from her head she took a deep
breath and calmed herself.
Twenty minutes later Mrs. Brooks walked in through the door, her daughter
trailing behind her. Cordelia hid the relief she felt as she showed them
the dresses, helped them try them on and took the check Mrs. Brooks held
out to her. She saw them to the door and once it closed behind them she turned
around, walking shakily over to her chair and sitting down. She looked at
the check in her hand, quickly subtracting the money she had spent on material
and the money she needed to pay her rent. It would cover everything and then
some. She smiled, Mrs. Brooks would tell all her friends at the country club
and soon she would have more business than she could handle. As long as she
kept the illusion alive that was, if anyone actually thought that Cordelia
Chase needed their money she wouldn't get one more penny of it. But if they
thought that she was just another socialite with too much time on her hands
she was set. They didn't need to know her father wouldn't give he!
!
r a cent unless she moved back into his home, or that she would rather die
than do that.
She needed to prove to herself that she could do something on her own, maybe
even be good at it. And that she could be alone, with no one to protect her
and still she could survive. She didn't understand exactly why it was so
important to her that she be totally self-sufficient, but it was. If she
ever saw Xander again, ever got a chance to explain to him , she didn't want
him to think that she was the shallow person she once had been.
She laughed bitterly to herself at her thought that she may see Xander again.
She had been in town for almost three months and hadn't seen any of the old
gang. She wasn't even sure if he still lived here, if any of them did. She
assumed that Buffy and Giles were around, because of the Hellmouth. But it
was probably better if they weren't here anyway, they would never forgive
her, Xander would never forgive her and it would be hell to see him living
his life with someone else.
Her life continued much the same over the next few weeks. After Mrs. Brooks
she had more clients than she could handle; and everyone wanted a Cordelia
Chase original. She worked until late every night, careful to always carry
a cross and a squirt gun full of holy water. She worked every day, never
taking a day off, using the work to block out the choking loneliness and
the urge that grew stronger every day to seek Xander out, to try and make
him forgive her. She worked even later on the nights when the feeling was
strong, hoping that one day it would fade, or that one day she would have
the courage to actually do it. To go and find him and try to explain and
apologize for the pain she caused him. She couldn't do it though, the thought
of seeing hate in his eyes freezing her. It was one of the nights when the
pain was almost unbearable that she saw one of them again.
"Cordelia Chase doing manual labor. Now I have seen it all." Buffy's voice
dripped sarcasm as Cordelia dropped the piece of material she had been pinning
together to the floor.
Putting on her best Cordelia face, the one she usually reserved for her
haughtiest clients she considered the Slayer. She felt her stomach lurch
at the coldness in the Slayer's eyes, and the expression of distaste on her
face. Cordelia stood and waited for the Slayer to continue, not knowing what
to say to her.
"I heard a nasty rumor that you were back in town and I had to check it out.
I guess Giles was right when he said that Sunnydale attracts all sorts of
bad guys." Buffy spoke harshly.
Cordelia watched Buffy speak, unable to understand the words over the roar
in her ears. She knew she would cry later, feel the pain of the words, but
she was unable to do anything more than stare mutely at Buffy.
"What, no witty comeback. No insult on my outfit, or hair? Are you slipping
Cordy?" Buffy walked around the shop, examining the dresses that hung on
racks all along the walls. Turning back to Cordelia she looked her up and
down before speaking again. "Did hubby not have enough money to satisfy you?
Or was it that you didn't satisfy him?" Arching one eyebrow the Slayer looked
at her.
Cordelia could only stare in shock as the girl she had given up everything
for threw insults at her. She moved forward then, her mouth opening to speak,
to scream at the Slayer. To tell her of everything she had given up for her.
To tell her that she had seen her kiss Xander and instead of hating her,
she had given him up so that the pain in Buffy's eyes would go away. That
she had left town believing Xander would be blissfully happy with the Slayer
and that they would feel no guilt over betraying her because she had made
it easy for them. She wanted to tell Buffy everything and watch as the
self-righteous look faded from her eyes. But she couldn't make herself do
it, because behind the anger and hate in the Slayer's eyes the pain was still
there. The loneliness that Cordelia now understood. Telling the Slayer wouldn't
take her pain away and it would only make the Buffy's worse.
Smiling sadly at Buffy she replied, "Something like that." Turning back to
the mannequin she picked up the material she had dropped on the floor and
returned to her work. She kept her eyes glued to the work in front of her
until she heard Buffy walk out of the room and leave the shop.
Leaning her head into her hands Cordelia let the tears slip down her cheeks.
She had been surprised by the level of animosity the Slayer had towards her.
Wiping the tears off her face she sat rubbing her forehead for a minute,
speaking softly into the empty room. "Well, let it never be said that I don't
leave a lasting impression."
Taking a deep breath she picked up her pins and began working again.
*****
May 30, 2006
Cordelia received her final divorce papers on a Friday, almost a year to
the day after she arrived in Sunnydale. She sat in her small impersonal apartment
the entire night staring at the walls, not knowing exactly what she was supposed
to be feeling. Should she feel some sadness over the failure her marriage
had been? Some sense of shame that she had disappointed her family? God knows,
her parents thought she should. But she couldn't feel either of those things;
all she felt was alone. She had done it, had gotten rid of all the traps
she had set for herself in her attempt to leave Xander and the person she
knew she was behind. So now that she was free, she didn't know what to do
with herself. Her life was empty, filled only by her long hours at work.
She had no friends, no hobbies; she didn't even own a t.v. She was twenty
five years old and she was a divorced woman. Laughing suddenly in the silence
of the apartment, she stood up and went to stand in front of the mirror.
Staring at her image she spoke sternly to herself. "It's time Cordelia. You
have to find him, try and explain. You have to get past this and move on
with your life. Or else you should start buying cats." Making a face at the
vision of her surrounded by only cats for the rest of her life, she turned
away from the mirror, grabbing a sweater as she left her apartment. She climbed
into her car and drove aimlessly for hours, not sure what she should do now.
Finally she stopped at the beach, thinking that a walk along the water would
help her focus her thoughts.
She wandered slowly down the beach, pulling her shoes off so that she could
feel the sand beneath her feet. Kicking the sand in front of her she walked
with her head down, not noticing that she was alone on the beach until she
heard the crash of breaking glass. She froze, remembering suddenly where
she was and the trouble she may have gotten herself into. She moved forward
cautiously, her breath catching when she saw the figure standing on the beach.
Her heart stopped as she drank in the sight of him. She watched him sit down
on the rocks they had once sat on together, his pained expression keeping
her frozen in place.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Part Six
Sunnydale High School Library
May 30, 2006
"So, what's the sitch?" Xander spoke casually as he sat down across from
his two best friends, his two very concerned looking best friends. Settling
back into his chair he scanned the library for Giles, sure he would be coming
out from the stacks any moment, research face firmly in place. He turned
back to Willow and Buffy, still not overly concerned. "Anyone?"
Willow shared a look with Buffy before clearing her throat. "Um...well, it's
not a demon."
Xander stared at the hacker turned Watcher with a perplexed look. "Not a
demon? Then why the big meeting and the long faces? It's Friday night, I
might have had plans."
"Right Xander." Buffy spoke sarcastically. "Like a date?"
Xander grinned at her, hiding his hurt under a smile. "And you have so much
room to talk."
Willow held up her hands to silence both of them. "Enough." She turned to
Buffy; a look of warning on her face.
The Slayer nodded slowly, then turned to Xander and blurted out their news.
"Cordelia's back in town. She's been in town for almost a year, but we were
afraid to tell you."
He sat stunned as Willow turned angrily to Buffy. "We were going to ease
into it, remember? Be gentle? We were not going to just throw it at him."
"You would never have been able to say it." Buffy accused Willow; her face
sad. "You wanted to try and hide it from him forever."
"Why didn't you?" Xander's voice sounded like it was far away even to his
own ears. He stared at his friends, feeling himself sinking into a dark hole.
The same one he had spent four years trying to climb out of. He lashed out
at Buffy and Willow, anger the only emotion he could hold onto. "If she's
been here for a year and I didn't know...why didn't you just keep it a secret?"
Willow held her hand out to him, her eyes burning into his. Her voice was
shaking slightly as she answered him. "If I thought that I could keep it
from you forever I would have." She grabbed his hand when he didn't offer
it to her and held on tightly.
Buffy nodded at Willow's words, her eyes full of sadness for him. "But we
think Cordelia may try and contact you."
Xander felt a surge of hope run through him, but it quickly died. Cordelia
would never contact him unless she wanted something. He felt the pain he
had known when she left clawing at his stomach, reminding him of the years
of torture he had put himself through trying to get over her. Not sure if
he could keep his voice from breaking, he spoke softly. "Why would she contact
me?"
Willow took a deep breath, her face turning slightly red. "I've been...well..."
Buffy interrupted Willow's confession, speaking quickly. "Willow's been tracking
her. Trying to find out what she's back for, and why."
Xander turned to Willow; impressed by the lengths she had gone to trying
to protect him. "And you found something today that made you decide to tell
me that she was here?"
Willow nodded before replying. "Her divorce becomes final today."
Xander swallowed loudly, the thought of Cordelia getting a divorce shocking
him. He couldn't picture her giving up her perfect life with her perfect
husband and running back to Sunnydale. He looked at Buffy and Willow, his
expression confused, they didn't actually think that it had anything to do
with him, did they? His voice puzzled he pushed them for more information.
"And why do you think this will make her contact me?"
"She didn't get any money. No alimony, no lump sum payment, nothing." Buffy
spoke angrily; pushing herself away from the table and standing up. She stared
intently at Xander as if she could make him see what she saw. "She supports
herself making clothes."
"So?" Xander inquired, still struggling with the knowledge that Cordelia's
perfect life hadn't turned out quite so perfectly.
"So you have money now Xander." Buffy slammed her hands down on the table,
leaning in closer to him. "Don't you see? You have what she wants, what she's
always wanted. Money, prestige, you've got it all now."
Leaning back in his chair as if he could escape Buffy's words Xander's mind
spun as he tried to process everything he had been told. Cordelia was back
in town, divorced and penniless. He closed his eyes, picturing the girl he
once loved with all his heart, her bright smile and dark hair, the girl who
had almost destroyed him. He opened his eyes slowly, looking into the concerned
eyes of his best friends. Clearing his throat he spoke calmly. "Well, she's
out of luck if she's looking to me for a free ride. The Cordelia I loved
was nothing but an illusion, the real Cordelia has nothing to offer me."
"You still love her." Willow spoke surely without a hint of judgment in her
voice.
"I love a dream Willow. I love a girl who cared about other people and didn't
care about money or power. I loved a girl who loved me back. That girl is
not Cordelia." Xander stared straight at Willow as he spoke, not sure if
he was trying to convince her or himself.
"We just don't want you to hurt anymore." Buffy offered quietly, the anger
gone from her body now. She slipped back into her chair beside Willow and
continued speaking. "We almost lost you before because of her and we don't
want it to happen again."
"It won't." Xander said quietly, anger slowly building in him. "Cordelia
will never get a chance to destroy me, if anything I'll destroy her." His
voice shook with conviction as his eyes hardened. Pushing his chair back
he slowly climbed to his feet feeling suddenly old. "I'll talk to you guys
tomorrow okay? I need to be alone right now."
He felt their worried looks as he walked out of the library, but he refused
to look back. Heading slowly out of the High School he was overcome by memories
of Cordelia everywhere he walked, the closets they used to make out in, the
bench they had sat together on, all of the memories pushing his anger away
and leaving only sorrow.
Xander walked slowly along the beach holding an almost empty bottle of rum
carelessly in his hand. Since leaving the library two hours ago he had been
walking on the beach, trying to make sense of his life. How had he gotten
to the point that his two best friends were so worried about his sanity that
they had kept this a secret from him for a year? Looking down at the bottle
in his hand he wondered if they weren't right to worry. He hadn't taken one
drink since his first book had been published, but with the news that she
was back in town all his hard won peace had shattered.
Throwing the bottle against a rock he enjoyed the noise it made as it smashed.
How had he lost her? How had she fooled him? He still couldn't understand
after all these years how she had just walked away. He thought she loved
him as much as he had loved her. Still loved her. But she had walked away
without a backward glance. One night she had been his Cordy, and then in
a blink of an eye she had become the bitch again. He had been so stunned
at her sudden change he hadn't even asked her why, hadn't fought for her
at all. He just let her go; let his love walk out of his life and never look
back.
He sat down on the sand, his knees pulled tight against his chest, remembering
the start of their last summer, when they had sat together on this beach
and vowed never to be apart again.
*********
June 25, 2000
Xander watched his girlfriend run along the edge of the water, her pants
rolled up past her ankles as she yelled at him to hurry up and come join
her. He dropped the pile of blankets he had collected from the car and deciding
that starting the fire could wait, he pulled of his shoes and ran to the
water.
Cordelia grabbed him as he came near her, wrapping her arms around his neck
as he swung her around, both of them laughing as the water splashed their
pants. She leaned against him, laughing helplessly as they spun. He stopped
when he thought he would fall, and they held onto each other as they waited
for the world to stop spinning around them. He pulled back from her and looking
into her eyes he grinned. "So, did you miss me?"
She laughed freely then, her joy filling his heart. "Miss you? How could
I? I called you every night." Leaning forward she kissed him quickly before
pulling out of his arms and running down the beach.
He shook his head and took off running after her, tackling her from behind
and falling with her into the water. They both went under and came up gasping
for breath. Cordelia glared at him, her mascara running in black streaks
down her face. He tried his best to look innocent and was rewarded when she
pulled him to her, kissing him deeply as the waves crashed around them. They
lay in a tight embrace on the beach until Xander became aware that she wasn't
shaking from desire, but because she was freezing. Pulling her up they walked
slowly to the blankets.
"Take off your clothes, I'll start the fire." Xander threw the bag of extra
clothes at her as he spoke.
"Pervert. I just got home and you're trying to get me naked already." Cordelia
spoke, her teeth chattering.
Xander turned and looked her up and down slowly before turning away. "Drenched
rats don't do it for me honey. Sorry." He smiled to himself, knowing she
was glaring at him as he concentrated on getting the fire going. Once it
was well lit he turned towards her, wanting to get out of his wet clothes
too.
Cordelia was standing there, her wet clothes removed, but no new ones added.
She grinned at him. "On the other hand, I kinda like a drenched rat." Moving
forward she pulled his t-shirt over his head and embraced him. "But I like
the no-clothes type of rat even better."
He kissed her then, his hands touching her body, feeling her heat burning
him. She leaned into his embrace and he picked her up. Carrying her over
to the blankets spread out beside the fire he carefully laid her down. Staring
down at her in the firelight he spoke in a voice thick with emotion. "I don't
really know what trick of fate put the two of us together, but I am so thankful
for it. This year apart has only strengthened what I already feel for you."
She looked up at him; the tears in her eyes making them shine. She reached
up and ran her hand along the line of his jaw. "Me too. Now come here." Her
hand slipped around the back of his head and brought his lips down to meet
hers. They had made love almost silently, their bodies speaking for them,
until much later when they were curled up together under the blankets and
the fire had almost burnt out.
"Xander." Cordelia's voice was so low he could barely hear her. " I did miss
you, everyday. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself. Even though I knew
I would see you again, it still hurt. I was so worried that you would forget
me, or decide that you didn't really love me."
He leaned up on one elbow, staring down at her. "I know the feeling. I worried
that you would remember that I was a loser, or a geek. Or that you would
decide that it cost too much to love me."
"Too much? I've only gained from loving you. And if you're a geek, then I'll
shout from the rooftops that I love a geek." Her hands ran over his shoulders
as she spoke, her eyes clouding with renewed desire.
He leaned down and kissed her, his arms tightening around her as he loved
her. They had fallen asleep much later, their limbs tangled together. He
had woken as the sky began to lighten, waking her with a soft kiss. "Come
on Cordy. If you don't want to make a public show of yourself we'd better
get going."
She sat up slowly; silently putting her clothes back on and helping him fold
up all the blankets. They walked hand in hand back towards the car. He stopped
halfway there, her silence frightening him. "Cord, is something wrong?"
She looked at him, startled out of her thoughts. Pulling him over to the
rocks that lined the beach she sat down and looked at him. "I don't want
to do it again."
He looked at her, his heart racing. Sitting down beside her, he questioned
her. "Do what?"
"Leave you." Her voice whispered across the deserted beach. Then speaking
louder she said it again. "Leave you. I don't want to be apart from you."
"Then don't." Xander said softly, his arm sliding around her. "Except, what
about your school?"
"I'll figure something out. I just can't leave again." Her voice sounded
as if she would cry, but her face was determined.
"So then we'll find a way. I mean we've done battle with the forces of evil.
This should be a piece of cake." Smiling at his girlfriend he pulled her
to him and held her.
********
May 30, 2006
Xander leaned back against the rock, staring out at the waves crashing along
the shore. Speaking to himself he asked the question he wanted to hear her
answer. The same thing he asked every time, the question he would never get
the answer to. "So then what changed Cordelia? Did you decide that I wasn't
good enough for you? Was it pressure from your family? Or did you just stop
loving me?"
"No Xander. I never stopped loving you."
CONTINUE