PART FIVE
Willow's motel room
August 19, 1998
Willow watched Buffy sleep. She felt a little better that at least Buffy
looked like Buffy again. Her hair was clean and her face washed. Willow couldn't
sleep, she just watched, waiting for her to wake. Praying that things would
be okay. Hearing a knock at the door she smiled. She knew they wouldn't be
able to sleep either. Letting them in she put her finger to her mouth to
signal them to be quiet. Giles pulled a chair next to Buffy's bed and sat
down. Oz climbed into Willow's bed beside her, grabbing her hand. Willow's
mind was racing, how would she explain what she had done to Buffy. She had
restored Angel's soul and forced Buffy to go through this torture. How could
you apologize for that. They sat through the night, not speaking, just watching.
Buffy woke just after midnight, screaming for Angel. She didn't realize were
she was or
who was with her. She just sobbed for Angel. She curled up into a little
ball and rocked back and forth for what felt like hours to the three watching
her. When Buffy finally slept calmly they all relaxed somewhat, Giles and
Oz both drifted off to sleep. Willow had just closed her eyes and started
to doze when she heard someone stir. Opening her eyes she saw Buffy siitting
up in bed. Pulling herself up to a sitting position she watched her, waiting
for her to speak.
"I knew you would come."
Willow just smiled at her, afraid to say anything, not knowing anything to
say except sorry. And she wasn't bringing Angel up, Buffy would have to do
that. Buffy looked at Oz sleeping next to Willow and then at Giles asleep
in the chair. She smiled at them.
"Where's Xander?"
"With Cordelia, watching things." Swallowing her anger towards Xander she
smiled reasurringly at her. Buffy seemed so calm, Willow felt like she should
be relieved, but her stomach was churning more now than it had when Buffy
was screaming.
"Good." Buffy sounded relieved, "I couldn't bear to hear him say that Angel
deserved what I did. Or how he had always hated him. Did you hate him Willow?"
"No. Buffy, before Angel lost his soul I really liked him, I trusted him.
Buffy...I'm so sorry for what I did. That I forced you to kill Angel. I mean
=good= Angel." She looked at Buffy, her eyes pleading for forgiveness.
"No apology needed." Her voice was so calm, almost dead. "You tried to save
him. I will be forever grateful that you tried to give me that. And, if the
spell had kicked in soon enough Angel would never have pulled the sword.
I just wasn't fast enough."
"Angel wouldn't agree with you. He would tell you that it was okay. He would
have felt horrible about what the demon did while he was gone."
"Willow...he didn't know." Buffy's voice cracked, for the first time betraying
her real emotions. "He didn't remember. When I stabbed him...he...he had
no idea why. His face, he was so shocked. I sent him to Hell. How do I live
with that?" Buffy looked to Willow the tears streaming down her face, her
eyes pleading with Willow to fix it.
"You had no choice. The whole world would have gone to Hell. There were no
other options." Willow looked over to Giles, silently urging him to wake
up. She watched Buffy carefully, terrified of what was hidden under her surface
calm.
"Then. I had options before. I wish I had known you were trying the spell
again. I know there was no way I could have. It's just...Willow, oh god.
I let him pull the sword. Well, not exactly let. I just waited, thinking
when I had no choice it would be easier to kill him. See?" Her eyes were
wild now, the words flying out of her mouth.
"Buffy, you didn't know. You did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself
now." Willow climbed over into bed beside Buffy, silently vowing to make
Xander pay. "You didn't know. We can't know everything."
Buffy's breath caught on a sob, "That's what I said to Angel, before we slept
together. That's how I justified what we were doing. I destroyed him twice
Willow. First I took his soul, then when he got it back I sent him to hell."
She started moaning, whispering apologies to Angel under her breath. Willow
tried to get her attention and failed. She grabbed her, forcing Buffy to
look at her. The pain in Buffy's eyes silenced her for a moment, but then,
as Buffy's moaning became louder more adjitated, she shook her. Speaking
in a voice that was more confident than she felt Willow tried again.
"Buffy. Listen to me. You cannot blame yourself. You did the best you could.
You always do the best you can. It is =all= anyone could expect. Angel wouldn't
want you to feel bad about what you did."
"I know. I know. I know. A....Angel loved me. He would never... want me to
feel bad. That's worse. I killed him. H...him. Angel who loved me. Now I'm
supposed to just accept it. To say it wasn't my fault. I had to do it to
save the world. It _doesn't_ matter. I betrayed my love. He is in h...hell,
hell because of me. Me. Me. Me." She was shaking
uncontrollably now, her entire body tense.
"Buffy, You're only 17. We all make mistakes, I do, Xander does..., even
Giles does." You did everything you did out of love." Willow hugged Buffy
as she spoke, trying to calm her shaking, lend her strength.
"Right, and Ms. Calender d...died because of my love., I destroyed Gile's
life because I couldn't do the right thing. And, how's this for irony, when
I can do the right thing I do it to the wrong one. Willow, I really don't
think I can deal with this." Her voice was tinged with hysteria, the sound
of someone trapped in a nightmare with no way out.
"Yes. You can." Gile's voice, strong and sure. "You saved the world. Angel
would be proud of you."
"ANGEL IS IN HELL." She spat the words at him. Her horror at what she had
done evident in every syllable.
"Buffy," Faltering at the pain in her voice Giles continued, "What happened?"
"I sent him to hell. Sentenced him to worse torture than even he could come
up with." Buffy's eyes were dying now. Her strength lost. She retreated into
facts, unable to deal with the pain anymore.
"No. I mean how did you find out how to stop Acothla?"
"Oh... some demon in your apartment. Whistler. He's a good demon or something.
He said this was supposed to be Angel's big day, but with the..well...with
Angel losing his aoul things had gotten messed up. Thanks to me again." The
bitterness she felt singed her listeners.
"Buffy." Giles voice held a warning for her to stop blaming herself.
"Right, okay so I told the demon, Whistler guy to fix it himself and took
off to try and find you. That's when I almost got arrested and Spike saved
me."
"SPIKE? As in William the bloody?" Giles voice was increduelous.
"I know. Turns out Angel had stolen Dru from him and he wanted to help me
kill Angel so he could get Dru back. Giles, I never could have succeeded
without him. Never. I let him go, him and Dru. That was the deal I made.
I went back to your apartment, Whistler told me that Angel's blood would
open the vortex and also close it. So, I got the sword and went to kill Angel
at daybreak. You know the rest. Xander saved you Giles. I fought Angel. Well,
actually I fought the other vampires while Spike beat on Angel. I ignored
what was happening with Spike and Angel. Half hoping Spike would kill him
so I wouldn't be forced to. Half hoping Angel would pull the sword so I would
have no choice left. Isn't that pathetic? I need my demonic ex-boyfriend
to open a vortex to hell before I could kill him?"
"Don't." Giles spoke with conviction, "You and Angel shared something special.
I understand how hard it would be to let go of the hope that he would come
back."
"Giles...he killed Jenny and I still faltered." Her eyes were brimmed with
tears for the pain she had visited on Giles, on all of them.
"Angel didn't kill Jenny. The demon did. I understand Buffy. It is not your
fault. It happened and you have to let it go."
Buffy reached over and grabbing on to Giles, she held him tightly as she
sobbed. Giles felt the tears streaming down his face as he realized the truth
in his words. It just happened. In their lives horrible things would always
happen. They all had to accept this so that they could do what they were
meant to do. Buffy eventually sat back on the bed, her face calmer
from the tears. She took a deep breath and began again.
"The end. Well, Angel pulled the sword. We had a good old-fashioned sword
fight." Buffy spoke in a monotone, trying to remove herself from the horror
she felt. "He collapsed, his eyes glowed for a second and then he looked
at me. I knew it was different immediatly, but I wasn't sure why. He spoke,
asked me where we were. Giles, he didn't remember any of it. He was so confused.
We hugged, kissed and I saw the demon's mouth opening. And I knew. It was
too late. I had no options left. So I kissed him, told him I loved him, got
to hear him tell me one last time. Then...then I told him to close
his eyes and I ran the sword through him. Willow...he was so shocked. He
reached out for me, his eyes asking why. He whispered my name and I just
stood there. I didn't say anything. I just watched him go."
She stopped, kneading the bedspread with her fingers. Her face didn't betray
her emotions. Her eyes remained frozen. Only the continual movement of her
fingers and the tense set of her shoulders revealed the battle she fought.
They were all silent, each trying to figure out how to make this easier for
her to handle. Each having the same terrifying realization that it had to
be the right thing. Oz cleared his throat and spoke for the first time.
"I know being a werewolf isn't the same as being a vampire, but it is similiar
in Angel's case. We both have times when we have no control over her actions.
I mean, mine is three nights a month and Angel's was pretty much the last
four months, but you get the idea. So as the only other supernatural guy
in the room, I'd like to give you my view."
"Okay."
"The way I see it, and admittadly I was out of the loop for most of it, is
that the guy I met at your surprise party, he really loved you. Then the
next night, he's helping that Judge guy attempt a superkill at the mall.
So, I'm thinking, these are two distinct guys with one body. Right?"
"Close enough."
"Well, I kinda got the 'two distinct personalities thing' also. And the bad
one is totally not under my control. Now, what I get from you is that your
boyfriend had the same problem. Even down to the fact that he had no memory
of what he had done. So, again, we are similiar. My point here is, if I ever
got loose and tried to kill someone or worse, did, I would never blame Willow
if she couldn't kill me. If I had to deal with the guilt of having killed
that would be my responsibility, never hers. On the other hand if she killed
me, to stop me, I would go to my grave still loving her. No blame. Ever.
If she did or she didn't, the ultimate responsibility is mine. I'm not saying
Angel is responsible for what he did, it's just that by virtue of what he
is, the possibility exists. If he decided to exist, he understood the risk.
He would never hold you to blame."
"Oz is right. You held onto hope and love. You held onto it until hope was
gone. Angel would understand that. He obviously held onto hope or he would
never have loved you."
"Thanks Willow, Oz. I believe he wouldn't blame me. He never blames anyone
but himself. It's just that...he's in hell. His soul doesn't deserve hell.
I wish I could go back in time and try harder to keep him from pulling the
sword. So many what-ifs. If only I had fought Angel first, instead of letting
Spike. Or if I had watched out for Dru. Something. It was all so close
and I didn't realize it. I could have stopped Angel without letting him pull
the sword. I know it. I know it. I could have done something, anything."
Her voice was rising again, the pain breaking the surface.
"Breakfast." Giles broke in, trying to make sure she didn't continue in her
present line of thought. He wanted her to remain calm. Until they could make
her understand that she could live with what happened. "Let's order some
room service."
Willow and Oz jumped up and started moving around the room. Trying to focus
Buffy's mind on other things. Willow didn't want to get into a discussion
of what-if's with Buffy yet. There would be more than enough time to discuss
how things could have been different once Buffy could accept how they _were_.
She thought of Xander for a moment. Worried about how Buffy would react once
she knew Xander could have, should have told her. Maybe it would be helpful,
give her someone else to blame. Willow hoped it would. That was the least
Xander owed her.
"Xander will be proud of me at least." Buffy spoke off hand as she got up
from the bed, "I mean, he doubted I could kill Angel when he had no soul.
And I killed the Angel that I loved." Laughing bitterly she went into the
bathroom. The all looked at each other fearing what would happen when they
finally told her. No matter if Xander's reason's were pure or not, he was
definitely going to be in for some hard times when Buffy found out he had
known.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
PART SIX
Xander's bedroom
August 19, 1998
Xander tossed restlessly in his bed, unable to sleep. His mind was racing,
visions of the horrors that probably were waiting for him in hell. Breathing
deeply, he pushed all thoughts of tomorrow out of his mind. But Whistler's
words remained, haunting him. Could he have been wrong? Pictures of the last
few years began flashing through his mind.
Buffy's face as she went to kill Angel.
Angel's face, in the master's lair as he told him Buffy was dead, that he
had no breath to save her.
The look in Giles eyes after Ms. Calendar's death.
Angel saving Giles, Willow and himself from certain death in the boiler room.
Willow's fear when Angel had grabbed her in the hallway. The night after
he had lost his soul.
Willow's hatred when she found out that he hadn't told Buffy she was trying
the curse.
The depression that had settled over Buffy like a shroud after Angel had
changed.
Her face, laughing, as she talked about Angel, and how they weren't slaves
to their passion.
The fear and determination in her eyes when she thought Spike and Dru would
kill Angel.
The look on both their faces after she had saved him, in the church.
Her words after he had staked Theresa, her horror at what had become of her
love.
The way he had gone all game face with worry about Buffy when she had gone
to the frat party.
Angel in the hallway when Buffy was in the hospital. The demon who wanted
Buffy to suffer.
Buffy's face when he had accused her of wanting to forget Ms. Calendar's
death so she could get her boyfriend back.
The Angel who had been so worried about Buffy on her birthday.
He drifted off to sleep, visions of the Angel who had fought with them, time
and again risking his existence to save their lives. The Angel who had loved
Buffy interchanging with visions of an Angel who had killed Ms. Calendar
and countless others, an Angel who had wanted so badly to destroy Buffy,
to destroy the entire world.
CONTINUE