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The ride home was eerie. It was total silence, no one speaking or even making a sound unless they were giving directions. We stopped quickly at a fast food restaurant and got our food to go, eating it in the car. We were almost halfway home by then and still the quietness reigned the vehicle we were in. Buffy nearly inhaled her food, signaling to me that she hadn't eaten since long before she left Sunnydale. I watched her worriedly.
She glanced up at me, still chewing the last bite of her food and swallowed hard. I reached over to clasp her hand in mine--I hadn't felt right until I saw her. Even now, with the fear of everything looming over our heads, I felt better just knowing that she was back in my life. She smiled sadly at me.
She spoke, but only to my ears. "I felt better just seeing you, you know. I mean, I still don't believe any of this is happening, but when I saw you, Willow, it was like I took my first breath of air since I-- since I killed him. It was like I was holding my breath, or like I was underwater and *couldn't* breathe. I'm glad you came for me. I feel sort of like we're connected now." She wrinkled her brow and I nodded understandingly.
"I know, I feel it, too. I've felt it ever since I did the curse." I had been worried about how I was going to tell her that it had been me, so when it slipped off of my tongue accidentally, I winced and waited for her reaction. She only nodded.
"I knew it was you, Willow. Who else would have-- could have done that for me? I hate what happened, what I had to do, but I love you so much for what you did for me. In those few seconds we held each other, I felt a piece of my heart come back in a way I would have never thought was possible before." She paused, rubbing her eyes briefly.
"But then, it was like, all of a sudden, *choose.* Like circumstances were telling me to choose between the one person I loved more than life and the Life of the world, that didn't belong to me. It was horrible." She let tears slip down her cheeks, still mourning what she had had to do, but calmer now. "When I held him, for that microsecond before I knew anything was wrong, I was only a girl, kissing and hugging the man that she loved. Even my tears felt glorious.... And then I saw, and realized, and made the choice. And I wasn't a girl anymore. For the flash of time that I did it, for the first time ever, I was only the Slayer, and I realized what true loneliness was. I've felt that empty, alone feeling since, but it's different now, because..." She stopped, floundering for words, not knowing how to express what she needed to have in the open.
I finished for her gently. "It's different now because you're not just the Slayer. You're the girl who loved him." She nodded heavily, her eyes shining with great, unshed tears.
She reached over and hugged me hard, squeezing me until I could scarcely breathe. I grinned, and she returned the smile, hers full of hope. "So, are you going to tell me what I'm going to have to do? And why do you need me for this ritual?" She asked curiously, for my ears, but her voice reaching across the Jeep to Giles. I opened my mouth to answer, but Giles got there first.
"You'll know when we get to the library." She looked at him and drooped her bottom lip, making it tremble. "And don't think that's going to work. You'll wait until I say and hear it no sooner," he said, shooting me a look in the rearview mirror. I nodded. Buffy's lip trembling continued. "Buffy, that doesn't work anymore..." He set his eyes straight ahead as he drove, not looking in the mirror anymore, lest he encounter her femininely pathetic face. I grinned again, biting down my laughter. She looked at me and gave a halfhearted smile, proud that she could do that to him, but still not shaking off the sadness inside of her.
"Things will be fine," I assured her. I hoped I sounded convincing
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We reached the school and loaded out, heading towards different bathrooms. Joyce gave Buffy a relieved squeeze of the shoulders as she the girls restroom and headed for the library. I smiled at how much she seemed to want to touch Buffy to make sure she was real and okay. It was sweet.
Cordelia left at the same time, heading out with Buffy's mother. They seemed to be forming some kind of friendship, or at least a strong understanding for each other. I heard Cordelia's voice echo down the hall as she shared the Valentine's day incident with Joyce. I snickered.
She walked over to the sink and turned on the water, waiting for it to get warm before putting her hands underneath the faucet. She looked at me in the mirror. "So what's going on with you, Will? I'm not sure, but I thought I was picking up some major vibes of something whenever Xander looks at you." I sighed and smiled at the same time, pleased that she had noticed, but also scared that someone else would.
"Yeah. We... sorta.... kissed." How long had I been waiting to say that? And now I stumbled over my words? Was there no justice to the world? Why was I talking to myself? Would I ever stop talking to myself in questions? What was wrong with me? .....I'm insane. Ha! Sentence, not question. I rolled my eyes at my crazy internal conversation and spoke aloud, answering Buffy's wide eyes and smile.
"It was... wonderful," I admitted. She shook her head, grinning. Quickly we were transformed into two gossiping friends, innocent high school girls, happy and confused about life. What a massive change from moments ago!
"What do you mean wonderful?? How did it happen? Tell!" she demanded.
I bit my lip, thinking back. "Your letter." She smiled and nodded again. "And sort of before that. I'll explain it all later to you in full detail, but when I was in the hospital, Xander told me he loved me." I gave a little bounce and she squealed in response.
"Wow..." she breathed. "Wow! Will, what happened? Are you still with Oz? What about Cordy? How's she taking this? I have a feeling she's a lot more sensitive to things that she lets on."
"Well, that's the thing. We kissed and they found out. I had this conversation with Oz, and I barely knew what to say. But he forgave me. And Cordelia forgave Xander. Really, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can hardly believe all of this!"
Buffy smiled sympathetically. "You guys love each other but love the people you're with, too, and don't want to hurt either of them," she stated.
I bobbed my head in affirmation. "Yeah, pretty much sums. What do you think?"
She lifted her eyes towards the ceiling and sighed. "I think you guys belong together, I always have. But I also think that this is the wisest course of action. Stay with Oz. Your love with Xander will grow in time." She continued talking, assuming the role of my infinitely wiser best friend. I was glad for the millionth time that she was back.
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Cordelia stared at the door as though it had been the one to offend her. Giles had sent her to fetch the two girls when they hadn't come to the library. She had caught part of the conversation and was intently listening when Oz came up and tapped her shoulder.
"Uh, Cordelia? Why are you looking at the door like that? And where have you been? Giles wanted you all to come right back."
She sighed and gestured to the door, indicating the quiet conversation going on on the other side. Oz listened for a second, Wow, great acoustics before catching on to the subject matter. His eyes widened, but stayed reasonable.
"Cordelia, we knew it all along. But I love her, and am not planning to give her up for quite a while, so unless you don't want to be with Xander, I suggest we forget this. I *do* believe that they love each of us," he added. She lifted her head ever so slightly, agreeing. Oz walked away, back towards the library to tell the worried Watcher that things were okay.
Cordelia cleared her throat and entered the bathroom.
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"Hey, Buffy, Willow." She smiled at each of us and I saw something strained in her eyes before she seemed to let go of it and decide something. Her eyes brightened and she smiled at me again. I grinned back, only slightly baffled, wishing I knew how much of our conversation she had heard.
"Giles wants you guys back at the library, pronto. Buffy, time to get your boyfriend back." Her smile widened and Buffy laughed, lighthearted suddenly.
Buffy hooked her arms through each one of ours and we exited the bathroom, heading down the hallway. She started singing, very off key. "My boyfriends coming back, and the vampires are in trouble. Hey la, hey la, he's comin' back!" We laughed at her and I shook my head in amazement. With all of these mood swings, I thought she must be going through menopause. Well, stranger things *had* happened on the Hellmouth.
She grinned lopsidedly at me and I realized with half amusement and half horror that I had spoken aloud. "I'm happy! And for once in a long time, hopeful. Don't I have reason to be?" She said. With that, she burst off in another round of song and I had to agree. She had a lot of reasons to be hopeful. And, finally, happy.
I started singing with her.
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We walking in the library giggling and Giles glared at us for being late. But seeing the look of happiness on his Slayer's face his look of disapproval softened slightly and he gestured to the chairs indicating that we should sit. We sat down and looked at him expectantly as he picked up a thin volume that looked very old. He flipped through it for a minute before stopping and reading aloud a passage in it. He cleared his throat.
"In the time that comes, in the hour of a Slayer becoming true, an innocent soul is sent to Hell. In the time that comes, in the hour of a wife's mourning, he is tortured. In the time that comes, in the ultimate betrayer's wake, he is in pain." Giles stopped for a moment. I looked at Buffy. All traces of her smile were gone and she took a deep breath. The only thing that prevented the Slayer in her from fully taking over while listening, was the fact that it was about the man she loved.
He continued. "In the time that comes, in the echo of a day gone past, he can return. In the time that comes, with the Wife's sacrifice of friendship, loyalty and love and the Betrayer's true remorse, he lives again. In the time that comes, with the Betrayer's knowledge of what to do, his heart will beat once more. It then goes on to tell of the ritual."
Buffy looked around, forcing a smile, still not getting it. "So, how are we going to do this? I mean, even if Angel was married, she must be dead right now. And who's the betrayer?"
Giles smiled at her gently and spoke in a protective and fatherly tone. "Buffy... You are Angel's wife." She sucked in her breath loudly and slowly exhaled, nodding.
"Um, how?" He voice was small and she looked about to cry again. My heart started clenching with the pain I was getting very used to for the loss of our innocence. "I mean, I've dreamed of being married.... I've always worried I wouldn't be around long enough to." Her eyes darted to her mother who nodded and smiled while wiping away a tear. "How?" she repeated.
Giles turned to me and I looked at her very seriously. "When I was in the hospital, when I was dying, I saw Angel. He told me that in everything that had transpired that night, with the Judge and then with you both.... later.... he didn't really have the chance to tell you that the ring you wore was an Irish wedding ring. It's a pledge of his life and heart forever. They used to exchange them when one was too poor to afford a wedding." She looked down at the ring on her finger. A tear of happiness and despair splashed onto the shining silver of it and the ring seemed to glow for a second.
Buffy looked up at all of our faces, watching her intently. She smiled softly. "I'm married," she breathed in wonder. Joyce handed her a tissue and she wiped her eyes. She looked up at us again with eyes brightened with joy. Giles stood straighter and and smiled proudly. He cleared his throat again.
"All right, we don't have much time to indulge. Buffy, we believe that Xander is the Betrayer." She looked up at him sharply and he dropped his head in shame. "He knew that Willow was going to do the curse." She pursed her mouth for a moment and then looked at Xander seriously.
"Xander, I believe that you did what you did out of utter selfishness... " He wiped his eye subtly with the back of his hand. "But, if you hadn't have done it, we probably wouldn't be here right now. None of us. The world..." His head lifted slightly. "So you're forgiven." She spoke the last sentence very simply and his eyes flashed to hers in gratefulness.
"Now. I want to get my husband back where he belongs," she said. I smiled at her. I had the feeling I would be hearing that word a lot from now on. Her husband! I was in awe for a second. My friend was married. It was a neat thing. Xander smiled softly at me and I felt my heart turn over. Oh, God... He couldn't possibly be thinking about... I shook my head, denying what my heart saw in my future.
Giles tapped his pencil on the desk impatiently. "Let's set about to figuring this out. Buffy, do you know what the sacri--"
"My wedding ring." She interrupted him, sounding definite and sure. I didn't doubt for a second that she was right. Giles wrinkled his brow at her. She elaborated slightly. "When Angel gave it to me, he described it as representing friendship, loyalty and love."
He nodded. "All right. Well, then, ah, Xander. What about you? It says you know what to do." We looked at him expectantly.
Xander fidgeted with his hands. "I-- I think so. I'm not sure, but I have a strong feeling. I'll follow that." The tone in his voice scared me and I didn't want to let it drop as the others were apparently going to.
"Xander, what do you think you have to do?" I held my breath.
"Something dangerous. I'm pretty sure of that." Buffy nodded and sighed and Giles went into his office. The others followed and I grabbed Xander's arm as he went past me and glared at him. Tell me!
He looked startled for a moment, like he could read my thoughts before dropping his eyes from my demanding look. "Willow, please don't ask me. Please, I can't keep anything from you, and if you ask, I'll tell you and you'll talk me out of it. But I need to do this, trust me. Please, trust me." I looked at him, wide eyed. It was never a matter of trust. I would trust him with anything. With my soul... It was a matter of fear. But he was right. I let go of his arm and nodded, and he reached down to clasp my hand quickly. He squeezed.
His voice came out a whisper. "I love you." I cherished the words, knowing somehow that I wouldn't hear them again for a very long time. I stored them in the secret place I kept in my heart where I would always be able to go back and feel the wonder of them all over again.
"I love you, too." I saw him doing the same thing I was with the precious words I offered back. Storing them in his heart, hiding them from his mind where the guilt of loving someone else would ruin the beauty of the love. He smiled and we looked at each other sadly as he let go of my hand.
Giles and the rest came out of the office. Giles carried seven candles in his hands: five yellow ones, a long white one and a black one. He put them on the table and gestured to them. "These are needed, we'll each have a yellow one, Buffy the white and Xander the black. We will also need this," he held up a book, "for the words you're going to speak, Buffy. And this," he held up a copper plate. "This is where the sacrifice of your wedding ring will be placed, Buffy." She looked down at the ring on her finger sadly, knowing she would have to give it up, hating to do so, and loving what would come of the loss.
Giles walked over to the windows where the remnants of light still shined through. He drew the blinds carefully, all the way down, drowning the library in darkness. Buffy looked at him, baffled.
He shrugged. "I'm not exactly clear on how long this will take, and when Angel gets out of Hell, we can't exactly have the sun shining upon him." She nodded and he walked back over to where we were. He took a lighter out of his coat pocket and flicked it. I watched the small flame appear, and as I watched Giles lighting each of the candles, I felt a knot of nervousness and anticipation growing in my stomach.
The ritual was about to begin.