Rating: PG-13
Content: a few minor swear words, discussion of sex
Spoilers: Bits and pieces of past episodes, especially B2
Summary: Buffy's left Sunnydale, but she's not as far away as some
might think; Xander is stressed about withholding information; Giles is
heartbroken over Buffy's departure from Sunnydale and his life and
everyone is looking for a way to bring Angel back from hell. (You'll
never guess who finds the answers!)
Disclaimer: I love Buffy, Angel and all the characters from BtVS (well,
maybe all is a bit much) but of course, I own none of them. Just
borrowed them for a bit to heal my broken heart after B2. Also, music
inspires me, haunts me sometimes, speaks to me at others (am I sounding
a little like Dru?), so that is why there are so many lyrics in here.
(I think Sarah McLachlan is a closet Buffyholic and that's why her songs
fit perfectly, but I don't own those either, just borrowed them to
express myself a little easier!)
Once Drusilla calmed down enough to speak with him reasonably (if that's even possible, after all, she is a lunatic) she realized she had forgotten Miss Edith and god forbid they would leave Sunnyhell without the bloody doll, so Spike sped back to the mansion trying to make it in and out before sunrise and retrieve Miss Edith. Drusilla was rambling on and on about her Angel and Daddy and bad Slayers and the lot. Called him the enemy, a traitor, but realized then that she wouldn't survive a day without her Spike (especially now that her Angel was gone) and of course, Miss Edith.
Spike reached the mansion just before daybreak, and was amazed at what he saw. The Slayer sat, without moving, as he walked into the room where the battle had taken place. The mouth of Acathla was closed and the sword was there in its place. The Slayer's sword. She never even noticed him when he came in, found what he was looking for and, after taking one last look, left with Miss Edith and the Du Lac book that had restored Drusilla's strength.
"Never know when we may need this damn thing again," he muttered while leaving quietly. Plus, a road trip with Drusilla required either good music or something to drown out her constant moaning and chatter. It may make for some good reading.
He was amazed at how many times he thought of the Slayer as he and Dru moved on to wreak havoc in some other part of the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do...
When Buffy could bring herself to leave the mansion, Acathla, and the remnants of her fight with Angelus and reunion with Angel behind, it was shortly after dawn. She walked home, the tears were gone, and she knew she had to leave. Sunnydale, her friends, whom she had put in danger countless times. Giles, who had lost his love due to her inability to end this months ago. Her mother, who she had lied to a zillion times and her memories. She packed what she could and left a brief note for her mother. If she wanted to know more, Giles would fill her in.
She got on the bus, any bus, that would take her as far away from her past as possible. What she hadn't planned for was to not be able to leave. She knew she couldn't face her friends, Giles or her mother after the danger she had put them in, and she knew that they would be worried, but she couldn't stay. She couldn't go far either. She was the Slayer, and she would still be the Slayer, only from the shadows, with no help, and no one would know she was still close by.
*And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do...
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Xander, Willow, Cordelia and of course Giles sat in the Sunnydale High School Library, even though school was closed for the summer. Somehow Giles had gotten permission for them to be there, some false story about filing and card cataloging, yada, yada. So this where they spent the majority of their days and nights. Everyone was busy, reading, surfing the net, trying to locate Buffy and some spell, ritual, curse or whatnot to get Angel out of Hell. Everyone, that is, except Xander. He was feeling too guilty to even think straight. It had been two months since the world had almost come to an end and he, or anyone else for that matter, had seen Buffy. He still didn't know if he had done the right thing, not telling Buffy that Willow was trying the curse again, and that it was the original curse, one that would allow Angel to regain his soul and keep it with him forever, or until someone staked him and ended his miserable life, preferrably him. Bad thoughts, he would have to stop that. Angel was probably dead, or dying in Hell and he was still hating him. But the guilt he felt for not telling the truth outweighed the hate and jealousy (yes, still jealousy) he felt towards Angel. His love and friendship with Buffy was far more important than who she was sleeping with, corpse or not. He hadn't told Cordy, Giles or even Willow what he had done, or more correctly, not done. Just what he saw inside the mansion and how he had gotten Giles out and left Buffy in there with Angelus. That in itself made him feel bad. On one side, yeah, she was the Slayer, but she was also his best bud and possibly the love of his life and he left her in there with a monster who wanted her dead, along with the rest of the human race.
"She would have killed me if I would have stayed, or he would have," he mumbled incoherently. Nobody even paid attention, as he had been doing a lot of that lately and they were all used to it by now. One way or another he would somehow, someday make it up to Buffy and even possibly the dead-boy if he could. That's why he was still there. And with that thought he quit pretending to read and started doing it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Despite what had happened to Jenny, Giles knew his pain was nothing in comparison to Buffy's. That is what drove him to work late into the night to find her or anything that would return her home, to her friends, to her mother and most of all to him. He loved her like a daughter. Calling be damned. Buffy was the closest thing to family he was likely to ever have. He wanted her back here. With him. With all the people who loved her. If she came home and never killed another vampire, never trained or patrolled, he wouldn't care. He just wanted here safe, out of harm's way and any harm she may be thinking of doing to herself. He and the others had been searching for two months for Buffy and for some way to bring Angel back from Hell, as they all assumed that that is where he was, having heard nothing from Buffy or Angel/Angelus since that night. When he went back to the mansion and saw that Acathla was dormant, and due to the fact that the earth hadn't been sucked into Hell, he assumed Buffy had won her battle with the demon Angelus and that it had killed her too. Maybe not physically, but spiritually, emotionally. Of that he had no doubts.
Although they had looked everywhere for Buffy, Giles knew that she wasn't far from Sunnydale. He did not share this information with the others, and in their grief, they hadn't realized. Hadn't realized that they had no vampire problems since her departure to parts unknown and if she wasn't taking care of them, they would be running rampant though the town.
"Life on a Hellmouth with no Slayer would be chaotic at best," he murmured to himself. Again, no one noticed. That was just Giles. He also knew that Buffy would be found only if and when she was ready, but he would never stop searching, if only to tell her how much she was loved and help her through this time in her undoubtedly short life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+Your eyes
That always make me shiver
Now they are closed
They just sometimes twitch a little
And your body
I could hold for an hour
It sent me to heaven
With its heat and power
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that's all that I can do
But I'll remember...
"I just gotta...gotta walk away from this." Angel awoke screaming again. People screaming in Hell isn't too unusual of course, but his was different.
"That damn song, again." Like a broken record, it played in his mind over and over again. Maybe if he had listened and walked away, this wouldn't have happened. Would he have given up his time on earth with Buffy? Even if it would have saved him and her this heartache? God help him, no, he wouldn't have. He was used to feeling heartache. To be in her arms, to be loved by her, he would have come to Hell a lot sooner. He missed her so much. Even when the demon was awake and had taken over his body again, he missed her. He knew now that's why he hadn't killed her. And he could have. Over and over again, he had the opportunity to kill Buffy, but something stopped him. At the time he told himself it was too much fun to make her insane, like Dru, torturing her and her friends. Until their last encounter. He would have killed her then. To bring Hell on earth, Angelus would have done anything. And she saved him, and the world again. He knew what she had done for him, restored his soul, his faith in life and love and saved the world all with one thrust of a sword. He knew she was dying for it too. Little by little she would die for what she had done to him, even though it was the right thing to do. He could see her as clearly as if she were next to him, wrapped in a blanket of guilt, the same one he had used for over 80 years. If only there was a way to tell her he understood, remembered it all, and he forgave her, he would give up his soul again to do just that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**Listen as the wind blows, from across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion, the solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
Buffy walked alone. Alone was how she preferred to be these days. Alone physically, mentally...alone with her memories. If she was with her friends, Giles or her mother, they would all try so hard to to help her feel better. She didn't want to feel better, wasn't ready to let go. May never be. Guilt ate at her every moment of every day. She had done her sacred duty, followed through to the end, it may have taken her some time to be able to do it, but she had gotten the job done. All it had cost her was her life, or more specifically, the love of her life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike and Dru didn't get as far away from Sunnyhell as they had planned or as he had promised the Slayer. The hunger and Spike's desire to not be cooped up in a small space with Drusilla made them stop driving and find a place to stay about 100 miles from there.
As he set up residence, found himself a meal and then put Dru and Miss Edith to bed, Spike found himself thinking again about the Slayer.
I must be out of my skull to be worried about her," he thought to himself. But he again reminded himself, if he had to live a day without Drusilla, he would probably be seeing the sun rise for the first and last time in over 200 years. Even with Dru was "spending time" with Angelus he knew he wouldn't leave her. And he knew that Angelus was using Drusilla to wash away his feelings for the Slayer. When he sought her out seeking help with Dru and to help her destroy Angelus it was for purely selfish reasons. But now, after seeing the end result, he couldn't help but feel a little sympathy for the young girl who would probably not live much longer, especially without the love and help of her guardian Angel.
"Getting soft in your old age," he thought to himself.
"You two stink of humanity" said the jolly blue giant the night of Dru's "End of the World" party and he was right. He may not be human, but he still felt love for Drusilla and jealousy when she had chosen Angelus over her.
"What a wanker I've turned into, thinking at all about that damn Slayer, whose been a thorn in my side since I came to this bloody Hellmouth. She's nothing but trouble. But she did keep her promise."
He sat down still thinking, when he noticed the book he had first stolen from the Sunnyhell High Library and then again from the mansion. Thinking it would help take his mind off the Slayer, he began to read.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spike made it a point to come back to Sunnyhell about once a week to feed. He never brought Drusilla with him, and although he told himself that a good meal was hard to find closer to home, he knew he was looking for the Slayer. She was never hard to find. She worked with precision and quickness, slaying and patrolling, but she wasn't the same. The light in her eyes was gone. She was enjoying the kill too much. No emotion. Like him, or how he was when not with Dru. He avoided any confrontation with her and only watched. Then went on with his feeding away from where she was and went home to Dru.
"At least I have someone to go home to," he reminded himself and then scolded himself for having any feeling for her at all.
"I'd rather be fighting you."
"Mutual."
Spike awoke just before dusk, cursing himself a fool for dreaming about the bloody Slayer.
"Now I not only think of her, watch her and feel sorry for her, I'm bloody well dreaming of her too!"
He was dreaming of their encounter in the church when he was trying to restore Dru's strength and she was trying to save Angel. She was a force to be reckoned with. Hell, she still is.
"There has to be some way I can get her off my mind." And with that he got up, kissed Drusilla and went back to reading his stolen Du Lac book. His thoughts drifted to their last spoken words.
"Okay, fine. You're not down with Angel. Why would you ever come to me?" She looked at him with such contempt and he was embarrassed to answer,
"I want Dru back. I want it like it was before he came back. The way she acts around him..."
"You're pathetic."
And I was, still am where Dru is concerned. But she helped me anyway. Invited me into her home and trusted me enough to take on Angelus, not knowing for sure if I would keep my promise. I did. To a point. I knocked him to the ground and bloody well loved it. Knocked Dru out too, can't say I didn't enjoy that either after the months of watching her mooning over "Her Angel." But then I left her. Saw what Angelus was about to do and I still left. She let me have my love when by rights, she should have ripped Drusilla to pieces and I left her when her love was about to kill her. I didn't keep my end of the bargain. That was it!
"That's why I can't get her out of my head." He went back to reading and now knew what he was searching for.
"I hate you." She had spat at him.
"And I'm all you've got." He said back. And together they hatched their plan to stop Angelus and Drusilla from bringing Hell on earth.
"Still am, pet. You just don't know it yet."
Reading on, Spike came across something very interesting. He continued, considering the possibilities, the advantages and the disadvantages and decided he needed to do a little more research, most likely at the Sunnyhell High School Library.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the group called it quits after another late night of research Xander, Cordelia and Willow split up and headed home. He needed some fresh air and some time alone, to think, again about his betrayal of Buffy. How many times had she saved him and look what he'd done to repay her...a big fat nothing! The many nights of researching in the library had so far turned up nothing.
He continued walking when he felt like he was being followed. "Where's Buff, oh, never mind, whatever happens, I deserve it!" he mumbled to himself.
Checking his pockets for a cross, stake, or even a drop of holy water, knowing he had none of these things and praying it was just his imagination. God he was lame. The first time something goes bump in the night he's wishing Buffy was around.
"How many times does she have to save my life before I get manly enough to do it myself? And how pathetic am I to be talking to myself again?" It was probably nothing anyway.
"Well, seeing as how I'm here for information and only a little hungry, we'll decide later if you need help or not, mate. As for you being pathetic, well, that's a given. But, if your answers are correct, then I might not have to kill you, although after all Angelus has told me about you, the world might be a better place without you in it. Or at least I'd get my jollies."
Xander turned, knowing the voice, but wishing it wasn't so.
"Oh and you are all about the world being happy now, huh. Yeah, that's you, poster boy for World Happiness Day. I think not. Maybe the undead world. What the hell do you want? You and your psycho lover are supposed to be in Alaska, or Australia or some other country by now." Xander was babbling on nervously.
"What can I say, mate, plans change. What I want from you is simple. One straight answer, then I can leave you and find some other teen with a stupid name to feed on. Before the Slayer sent her boyfriend to Hell, was he Angel or Angelus? Dru could tell the redheaded cutie was trying the curse again and all I want to know is, did it work or not?"
Xander was speechless. If Spike and Dru knew that Willow tried to recurse Angel, then could Buffy know too? God he was again only thinking of himself.
"How did you, God...does Buffy know this, oh my god, no wonder she hasn't come home..." Xander again was babbling, but Spike heard enough of his words and in his voice to know that the Slayer wasn't told about the plans to recurse Angelus before she went to the mansion that night. And he knew who didn't tell her.
"I'll make you a deal then sport, I won't tell the Slayer what you didn't tell her and you tell me whether or not the curse worked." Poor lad, looked like he was about to pass out. Spike was enjoying every minute of this.
"I don't know if it worked or not, only Buffy would know and she's nowhere to be found, believe me, we've tried. If the curse did work, it can't be reversed ever, and if Buffy had to kill Angel, she may not even be alive herself. She can't live without him." Xander couldn't even believe he was admitting this, that these words were coming out of his mouth. He could have prevented this and he did nothing.
"You blundering idiots haven't tried hard enough. I found her with no trouble at all." Spike said with a growl and was gone before Xander could even blink.
Xander wandered home aimlessly, not afraid of what was lurking in the shadows, but what he had blurted to Spike and whether or not he should tell the others about his chat with the leader of the Fang Gang.
"I guess what they don't know can't hurt them, I've been keeping so many secrets lately, what's one more." He was again talking to himself, but didn't even realize it.
He was also concerned for Buffy's safety. If Spike knew where she was then at least she was alive, but how many other vamps knew too? And what did he want with her or better yet, why would he care about Angel? After all, dead-boy stole his woman. Though why anyone would want that crazy vamp was beyond him. His skin still got all creepy crawly when he thought of the time Amy cast that crazy love spell.
"Your face is a poem. I can read it." She said in a sing-song like voice.
"Really? Does it say spare me, by chance?" She kissed him. Wigged out can't even begin to describe.
"How do you feel about eternal life?"
Urgh. When he thought Drusilla had left the country it gave him a major happy.
"Maybe I should tell Giles, fess up, and he'll know what to do." With that he went home to another sleepless night with his guilty conscience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+I look at your lips
I know how soft they can be
Did they know what they wanted
The times they kissed me?
And your hands
That I held in mine
Now they're reposing on the pillow
Will they ever miss me sometime?
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that's all that I can do
But I'll remember...
"One of us has to go here." She saw Angel clear as day at the Bronze when they decided they could never have a relationship, and Buffy awoke crying out, sweaty and out of breath, the song that had been playing was again playing, only this time it was in her head and she couldn't turn it off. She remembered the kiss, not the one where she learned he was a vampire, but the one at the Bronze, the one that made her melt every time she thought of it. She then let the tears come and cried herself to sleep. Like she did every night.
"You've got a lot to learn about men kiddo. Although, I guess you proved that last night." Again she woke up, crying out that this couldn't be her love, her Angel, who she knew loved her talking like this. She tried to calm herself and rest while the sun was out, because once night fell, she had a job to do.
"You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I'd known how easily you'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered." Buffy slept through this part of her nightmare, but it went on, and through every encounter with Angel/Angelus up until the end. Like they did every night. She was about to kill him, and he doubled over in pain. When he looked up at her, the loathing and hatred was gone from his eyes, instead all she could see was love...and confusion.
"Buffy? What's going on? Where are we? I-I don't remember."
"Angel?"
"Oh, Buffy...God. I feel like I haven't seen you in months."
"I love you."
"I love you."
"Close your eyes."
She rammed the sword home and awoke again screaming his name. Mumbling incoherently she cried and cried,
"MyAngelwasbackandIkilledhim, senthimtohell."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike, who was listening in the doorway of her hideaway had heard enough. He had a debt to repay, and by god, he was going to do it soon, before it drove him stark, raving mad.
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Spike knew he couldn't pull this off alone, and since that wanker, Xander, hadn't given him much to go on he needed the help of someone who knew everything there was to know about vampires and the lot.
"Guess I know where to find the bloke. If only he doesn't die of a heart attack after his last visit to vampire central."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles, who had stayed on through the night, after the others had left, was sleeping fitfully at his desk.
"The signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! Your so useful sitting here with all your books! You're really a lotta help!" She had screamed at him as she was about to face the master and her destiny.
He awoke with a start, and although he remembered his dream, what was waiting for him in his reality was much scarier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander was the first one to enter the library, or last considering it was 10:00 p.m. and having not slept at all the night before, waking with dreams of Buffy dying, killing herself, or him, he slept most of the day away. He had decided to tell all to Giles and face the consequences. Someone had to know that Buffy was alive and may be in danger, again.
"Giles. Hey, G-man, anyone here?" he called out. Then taking a better look, he noticed the mess that the library was in.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say Buffy was in here having a kick-ass training session and she was kickin' some ass." He started to straighten up, then realizing that this probably was not a good sign, he started to run out the door, only to be knocked over the head with something black, and metallic, something like a railroad spike.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Wakey, wakey, Mr. Watcher-man. Damn, these humans are even harder to wake than the dead!" Spike roused Giles and he woke, fumbling for his glasses, surveying his surroundings and cringing at the memories as he took it all in.
"Welcome home, mate. I'd say have a look around, but, you're not a new guest. You've been here before, although, I'd have tried to forget too, if I were you. You were pretty brave though man, telling Angelus to perform the ritual in a tutu, he was pretty brassed off, but...we can reminisce another time."
"Wh-what are you doing back here? I thought you, er, made a deal with Buffy, she spared Drusilla, and you were to leave the country? Buffy is not here, what can possibly want with me or this place?" Giles looked around again, shaking his head.
It seems I have some unfinished business, a debt to repay and although usually my contact with humans isn't for conversational purposes, I need your help. Angelus told us you knew everything, and if your lucky, he better have been right." Spike then filled Giles in on what he'd read, and what he wanted to do. Giles listened intently, and was in shock when he heard the plans that Spike had.
"You want to do what? Do you know what you're saying? What if he comes back worse than ever? Why would you risk your relationship with Drusilla for that?"
"She helped me. We made a deal and she stuck to it. I did my part, but damned if I don't feel like I could have done more. Can't get her off my mind. Oh, yeah, repeat any of this and I'll show you why they call me Spike. So mate, the way I see it, you've got two choices, you either help me and never tell a soul, or you lose your soul right now!"
It didn't take Giles a minute to make a decision.
"Regardless of what you choose to do to me, of-of course I will do anything to make Buffy happy. But I don't know where she is, I know she is not far, because of the lack of vampires in the area, but haven't er, seen her since that night." Giles told Spike truthfully. Embarrassed that he was her Watcher and didn't know where his Slayer was.
"Your little cutie has been here, and I do mean right here all this time. She never left this miserable place. She's been right under your nose the whole time and you didn't even know it. I found her the first time I looked. Sleeping in the room with her old pal Acathla and her memories of sending lover boy to Hell. Oh, yeah, you didn't know. It was her precious soulful, Anne Rice, Angel she sent to Hell, not Angelus. That's the only reason I am doing this, don't need any more distractions for Dru, know what I mean? Where have you been looking? Oh, well never mind. Do we have a deal or not, mate?"
"How do I know I can trust you not to harm Buffy?"
"You don't. But I'm all you've got. It's me, and oh yeah, this." He shows Giles the Du Lac book and cross and the other things he had stolen from the library when he kidnapped him. Understanding crept into the Watcher's eyes and he closed them briefly. That's where the answers were all this time. Of course.
"Listen, I'm getting a bit hungry, what's it gonna be?"
"Er, well, what's your plan? It's been awhile since I've read that book. Someone borrowed it, as I recall." Giles listened nervously as Spike explained. "I-I'll help you. Anything for Buffy."
"How sweet. Then let's get it done!" And with that they began to set up for the ritual that would return Angel to earth. Both secretly hoping it would Angel they were bringing back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go...
Buffy got up and prepared herself for the night ahead. She remembered her dreams and knew that they would continue to haunt her forever.
"Maybe if you didn't have the sleeping habits of a vampire, you'd get more sleep." She scolded herself. But if she slept at night, who knew what mayhem would ensue.
With those thoughts, she packed up her weapons and headed out of the mansion where she had battled and saved the world, once again, to do what she was chosen to do.
*I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**Through this world I've stumbled,
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word,
To find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhyme.
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive...
"This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after."
"No. When you kiss me I wanna die."
God. He wasted so much time. Precious time. He spent so much of it trying not to love her, avoiding the inevitable, when instead he could have been loving her, touching her taking care of her. He knew if he ever had the chance again, he wouldn't waste a single minute brooding and contemplating, not a second.
"What am I even thinking about? I'm in hell, forever. A vampire with a soul in hell, anyone with a soul in Hell. Well, I've always been an original."
As sure as he knew he wasn't leaving here anytime soon, Angel also knew Buffy was in Hell too. Hell on earth. And not because she lived on a Hellmouth, or because she was the Chosen One. It was because even after all that he had done to her, avoiding her and pushing her away, then torturing and killing her friends, she felt responsible for him being here. He could still see the love in her beautiful eyes. Love and sadness had always been there. She had loved him even when he made her life unbearable. He knew Buffy body and soul and he knew that what she had done would never leave her thoughts. He remembered for the thousandth time the horrible things he had said to her and still she couldn't kill him.
"You know what the worst part is, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I'd known how easily you'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered."
He'd seen something die in her eyes when he growled those words and he had loved every minute of it. But she had known that this was the demon talking and not the man she loved. She had only to convince herself that Angel was never coming back and then she would kill him. Or die trying. He knew that about her. And she proved him right. When she was convinced that his soul could not be returned, she set out to right her past wrongs, make amends for not killing him sooner, before so much damage had been done and she did the job. Too well. But it was his fault. He wanted to end the world, him and Dru. Why? If Acathla had opened and swallowed the earth, what would they have done then? Can't really top that.
And yet, as he thought about this, yes he felt the guilt, but it didn't weigh him down. It somehow lifted him and he found himself feeling peaceful, relaxed even. He drifted off into a deep sleep, thinking of their last night together, his last night with a soul and memories of love and forgiveness filled his mind.
"I love you, I try not to, but I can't stop."
"Me, me too. I can't either."
And they made love. She had given herself to him mind, body and soul. Showed him that he was worthy of love and friendship and happiness. Despite all that he had done in his 200+ years, he had suffered and made amends and was forgiven. He deserved her love.
**And I would be the one to hold you down,
Kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away,
And after I'd, wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear...
He looked down at his hand, the ring still there and thought of that night again. Her birthday. Should have been such a happy memory for her, and he remembered giving her the gift.
"The hand represents friendship, the crown represents loyalty...and the heart...well, you know...wear it like this, with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this."
He showed her his own ring on his finger. She touched his hand, leaned over and kissed the ring. That was the perfect present for her. Nothing could better describe their relationship. She was all of those things to him. A friend, lover and most of all loyal. She had never betrayed him, even at his darkest hour. Even though at that point he hadn't told her he loved her, she knew. He had loved her from the moment they had first spoken, when she knocked him on his ass. Maybe even before he met her.
He looked at the ring again and his eyes began to blur. Tears, yes, but there was something else. He felt as if he were floating, or better yet, being pulled....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Buffy headed back to the mansion a strange feeling came over her. Her Slayer senses were tingling, but it was something different.
"Must be a short. Gotta try and get some sleep and recharge my batteries. No bad dreams today." She said out loud.
She opened the door and the feeling was stronger. Vampire. She felt it with every part of her being. "Oh well. No rest for the wicked, you're pushing your luck with it being this close to dawn, aren't ya? Come on, show yourself. Let's get this over with so I can go to sleep." She entered her "bedroom" and stopped cold.
++Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Angel awoke again all he felt was peace. Without even opening his eyes he knew he was not in Hell anymore. With this trip back he had washed away the guilt, paid his dues and felt the sadness lift off of him and he opened his eyes.
++So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting,
Keeps on building the lie,
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference,
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He saw her at the same time that she saw him.
++I need some distraction
Oh, a beautiful release,
Memory seeps through my veins
Let me be empty,
And weightless and maybe,
I'll find some peace tonight...
He held out his hand. She saw the love in his eyes, hesitated only briefly. She took a step forward and,
"It's time to go home." He said.
She took his hand, rings touching, and left the mansion and all the bad memories behind.
++In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you fear
You're pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Xander came to hours later, he was again panic stricken and went to the only place he could think of to look for Giles or any vampires.
As he approached the mansion just before dawn he heard someone walking and hid in the bushes. "Again, I'm hiding, with...rocks!" He whispered to himself disgustedly.
He peeked out from behind the bush and what he saw amazed him. Buffy was walking hand in hand with the love of her life. And surprise, surprise, it wasn't him. Relief washed over him like a waterfall. And it shocked the hell out of him. "I must really love her to only want her happy."
He waited until they had passed and walked home, feeling the guilt lift, his worries leave him and hoping for a day of dreamless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After his ordeal with Spike, Giles finally went home, praying along the way that they had done the right thing and that Buffy would finally come home to them, those who loved her most, and of course, her destiny as the Chosen One. He felt his burden as Watcher lift a little, now that Angel was back to care for her. He looked forward to a day and night in his own bed, and hopefully some dreamless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An hour before dawn, Spike watched Angel and the Slayer leave the mansion hand in hand, heading for God knows where and at last felt his debt was repaid. Hoping he had seen the last of either of them.
"Not bloody likely." He thought as he sped home to his Princess and
hopefully a good meal and a day of dreamless sleep.
*You Do What You Have to Do by Sarah McLachlan, Surfacing
**Possession by Sarah McLachlan, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
+I'll Remember You by Sophie Zelmani (from the Angel episode)
++Angel by Sarah McLachlan, Surfacing and City of Angels Soundtrack
The End
Feedback would be appreciated, but be gentle, this is my first attempt at fan fiction.