CONTENT/RATING: If you hate Xander but have no real reason to, this is the fic
for you. If you love Xander and think he's a total sweet guy, this might not
be the fic for you.
SPOILER: Becoming.
SUMMARY: A journal entry of Xander's set after 'Becoming'. Gotta warn people
-- it's a pretty dark characterization of him.
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and are used without
permission. No profit is being made off of this.
Author's Notes: I really don't hate Xander, really, I don't. That's all I
have to say. :)
I keep trying to tell myself that I was right. I keep going over all the reasons why I was right -- her safety, the fact that she needed to fight him, not protect him. But the reasons, however logical, aren't entirely truthful, and I know that. It was jealousy -- plain, simple, regular jealousy. Not a noble reason, but a reason just the same. He had what I wanted, and with him out of the picture I thought I'd have a shot at getting it.
Well, not it. Buffy's hardly an object. He had her -- I wanted her. And what's one more vampire's death going to mean in the long run? Buff has certainly killed enough of them -- what's the big diff about Angel, anyway?
Of course, I know the answer. She loved him. And, soul and all, he's now in Hell. And the big kicker is I don't feel guilty. Well, no, that's not true. I do feel guilty -- but if I had to do it all over again I would in a heartbeat. I'd still lie to her if it meant getting Angel out of the way.
I shock myself sometimes. Two years ago I would have never imagined myself capable of murder. But that's what it was, wasn't it? I set things in motion and Angel is now more or less truly dead, or at least in a hell of a lot of pain -- pun unintended. And Buffy, who came back, won't even look at me anymore now that she knows the truth.
So -- what came out of it? What did my little white lie accomplish? It got the wrong Angel sent to Hell, it got Buffy and Willow disgusted with me, and it turned Buffy into an unfeeling killing machine. Not bad for three words. Kick his ass. Willow's altered message. Three words did a hell of a lot of damage, again pardon the pun.
Was it the wrong thing to do? No doubts about it. Would I change it? Again -- no. And I really have no explanation as to why I wouldn't. No good came out of it. My lie hurt everyone, myself included. Yet I still cannot honestly say I'm sorry. Because I'm not. If I was sorry I'd want to take it back. I don't. I'm seriously screwed up. The only person I'm still on speaking terms with is Cordy.
So what can I say? What can I do to make it up to Buffy? How do I go about apologizing to her about indirectly causing the love of her life's death, and by her hand, no less? I don't think there's any way. I could lie to her and say my intentions were pure, that if I could change things I would. It's not like I've never lied to her before, after all. But I know she'll never believe a word I say ever again -- and she has the right not to, I guess.
With everything said an done I still don't know why I hate him so deeply. It's not like he was the only guy in the world who'd been involved with a girl I liked. I can take the easy way out -- say it's because he's a vampire, he killed Jenny, all that. No one can really protest; it's a sound reason. But it's not true, and I know it. There's something deeper, a burning hate that was there long before he turned, lost his soul, whatever. I hid it then, not well, but pretended it was just strong dislike. It wasn't. It was hate -- plain, simple, ugly hatred. No reason beyond jealousy comes to mind but it's more than that. I can't believe that I could hate someone so deeply because of a girl, even if that girl is Buffy herself. But whatever the reason is I don't know it. All I know is what I feel. And what's worse is that I relish the thought of him in pain. I like that he, soul and all, is in Hell.
I've learned a lot about myself in the past few months. I know now that I'm capable of some pretty dark feelings. That I'm capable of being happy someone else is in pain. It's sick, it makes me ill to think about, but it is the truth. And the only person left that I can be 100% honest with anymore is myself.
So -- I caused Angel's death, soul intact. I made Buffy destroy her true love. I made my best friend forever sickened by the sight of me. And when I go to bed tonight, I know I'll sleep just fine.
-- Xander
*****
The End