Summary: Deals with the aftermath of Becoming.. It contains angst and a happy ending.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own only this story. It si a product of my imagination as I try to get
over the pain of Becoming. All of the characters belong to Joss Whedon and
Company. The song lyrics belong to Sarah McLachlan and The Pretenders. I
only borrowed them as therapy, no copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at fanfiction. Please send me some feedback if
you like it. If you don't like it, please don't slay me too painfully, I'm
still fragile.
Angel sat on a white bench in a tiny room illuminated by bright, incandescent lights. The lights were so bright that he swore that he could feel his retinas melting. Still, the burning feeling in his eyes was no match for the pain he felt when he closed them. It was a heart wrenching pain summoned by the depths of his soul. The soul that now was torturing his mind by replaying special moments of his demon's torment of his friends. These moments were non-stop visions whenever he closed his eyes.
The memories had come back to him, slowly at first and then like a freight train in the end. The horrible visions overwhelmed him and every ounce of his being grieved for his newer atrocities. Angel had wondered if Hell was like this for everyone. Alone, isolated in his bright, white place, he thought that being imprisoned with his soul and his memories for eternity probably was a hell tailored perfectly for him. No amount of physical pain or torture could be more agonizing than his remorse and self-hatred.
Buffy lay on a cot in the mission. Her hands were behind her neck as she stared at the ceiling. She was trying to sleep but was not having any luck. The shelter was teeming with noises of people going about their daily tasks. The curtain separating her small space from everybody else's was not much of a sound barrier.
She thought about Willow and Xander and wondered what they were doing now. With school out for the summer, they were probably just waking up and probably had no plans on how to spend this lovely day. Buffy silently wished that she could be a person of the day, but slaying and her waitress job kept her nocturnal. She thought about her Mom, her friends, her Watcher and about Angel. She wondered where he was and if he hated her. She couldn't get the look of betrayal and confusion that was on his face as she sent him to Hell out of her mind.
It was Friday evening. Joyce was serving a lasagna feast to Giles and the Slayerettes. She was lonely and when Joyce was lonely, she cooked. She prepared enough food to feed a small army. Cooking a feast meant that she had to share it and then she wouldn't be alone.
It was uncanny the way that Giles and Joyce got along. In the days shortly after Buffy fled Sunnydale, Joyce had battered Giles with questions about her daughter. As days wore into months, they looked to each other for comfort, as they both had lost someone very special to them. Everyone ate their meal in silence, each one wondering exactly what happened that fateful morning at the mansion, and each one deeply missing Buffy in their own, personal way.
Angel heard the buzzing of the lights skip a beat for a second. He looked at the wall to see a dark-cloaked figure penetrate the light. As Angel stared at the figure he whispered "Whistler." The strange little demon in the body of a man looked around and said "Hey Buddy! How's it going?" Angel only stared at him, ashamed.
"Buffy?" Angel questioned in a sad, pitiful voice "Is she dead?"
"No." The Whistler said in a serious voice.
Relieved by the answer, Angel questioned farther "is she o.k.?" he asked hopefully.
The Whistler broke eye contact with Angel and looked at the floor. "Physically yes" he said cautiously "but mentally she's a wreck. You really played a number on her you know?" The demon said as he glared at Angel.
Angel avoided the glare and stared at the floor. "I'm sorry," the pathetic vampire whined, "Ididn't know, I never meant to hurt her." Angel knew he had hurt her severely. He remembered seeing that look in her eyes as his soul awoke to find her sword poised above his head. Only severe pain, terror and heartache could have evoked that expression from the Slayer. "Why are you here?" Angel asked as he returned from his memories.
"I have something to give you." The Whistler answered and pulled an object out of his overcoat.
The vampire studied the object that resembled a large lens of a microscope in a silver housing with a small marble base. "What is it?" Angel asked cautiously.
"You saved the Slayer's life several times and even though you went astray the Slayer still lives and the Powers That Be are giving this to you as a small token of our appreciation. The Whistler replied.
Damn Whistler! Angel thought silently. He could never answer a question directly. "What does it do?" Angel hoped for a real answer this time.
The Whistler answered "It's a temporal mirror. He stated you can wish to see what's going on in the world you left and it will show you. The only catches are that you have to be specific on what you want to view and that although it will last forever, it will only run about ten minutes before it needs to recharge."
"How long will it take to recharge?" Angel questioned
"I'm not sure ," Whistler replied, "do you want to try it out?"
"Sure." Angel said , eager to see anything other than blank brightness.
"All you have to do is think about where or who you want to watch." The Demon coached.
Angel's mind immediately and reflexively turned to his beloved, but his heart reminded him of the last look he had of her just after she had impaled him. He would never forget the look in her eyes, the look of a distraught young woman who bore the weight of the world on her shoulders. The memory made him shudder with self-hatred but still he wanted, no, needed to see her. The transparent disc began to glow.
It was Friday night at Club Nouveaux, the trendy, gentlemanly, nightclub with a catwalk. The establishment was packed with middle to upper-class playboys and playboy want-to-bes. Each one's eyes were riveted to the catwalk where a young woman was "dancing" in very little attire. Angel watched in amazement as Buffy, wearing a stretch crop-top sweater and a tiny black mini skirt , served drinks to a table of testosterone-charged young men. The vampire stared through the lens at her uniform, thinking that it was far more revealing than anything she had ever worn.
As Buffy turned around to take the order at her next table, one of the testosterone laden studs from the previous table reached out and ran his hand up the inside of her thigh. Many astral planes away, Angel cringed in expectation of Mr. Grabby's payment for that feel. But Buffy just slowly turned around and smiled at the man with the wandering hand then turned back around and resumed her work.
At that point the lens flickered like a tv set on the fritz and became dormant. Angel slumped on his bench and stared at Whistler. "Why did she tolerate that groping guy and why is she dressed that way?" The vampire asked, though scared of the answer.
The Demon looked at him, actually feeling some pity for the vampire's soul. "She needs this job, Angel" he said " that's her uniform and you don't keep a job as a waitress by breaking your customer's wrists. She needs the money," the Whistler said , "so she can move out of the mission."
"Mission?" Angel questioned quickly, "She's homeless?"
"Yes." The Demon replied.
"Wh-what happened to her mother?" the vampire asked warily, afraid that he had killed her and not remembered.
"Nothing." Whistler said , "Buffy fled Sunnydale that morning . They don't know where she is."
"Oh." Angel sighed and as unexpectedly as he had come, the Whistler had disappeared into the blinding brightness.
The four Slayerettes, Giles and Joyce sat in the school library, immersed in old books. They were looking for a prophecy, any prophecy hinting that the Slayer would return to the Hellmouth after the incident with Acathla. They didn't know how or where to find Buffy but they were desperate to have her back.
Out of the stacks came a short man with a funny hat. The man stared at the people and said "Is this what humans do for fun on a Saturday night?" Immediately Joyce and the teens were on the defensive, realizing that if the man called them humans that he, himself, probably was not one.
"Whistler ," Giles spoke, "it's been quite a while." The Watcher was cool and appeared not to be threatened by the stranger so everyone else relaxed.
"Too long!" The Whistler replied.
Giles took a moment to introduce the stranger to Joyce and the Slayerettes. "The Whistler," Giles explained to his friends, "is the person who called me to be Buffy's Watcher after Merrick died."
"Do you know where Buffy is?" Joyce snapped at the demon.
"Yes." He replied
"Tell me where!" Joyce demanded of him.
"No." He replied as he pretended to leave.
"Is she o.k.?" Xander asked in desperation.
"Yes, mostly," the stranger stopped and faced them, "she has a place to stay, a job, and is still slaying, but the guilt is slowly overtaking her," the Whistler said quietly.
"Guilt for what?" Cordelia bravely questioned "What's there to feel guilty about?"
The stranger looked straight at Cordy and answered, "She sent Angel to Hell."
"Good!" Xander muttered under his breath.
"Darn," Willow sighed, "I thought for sure that the curse had worked."
"It did." The Whistler said staring at the redhead. "But Angel awoke Acathla before the curse hit him and the only way to close the portal to Hell was to send Angel there, his blood would close the portal."
"So Buffy didn't know that Angel's soul had been returned?" Oz asked tentatively.
"She knew," the Whistler said sadly, "Angel was confused, but it was obvious. He and Buffy were together for only a moment." The Demon paused, "She did what she had to do. He looked down and then directly at Giles. You trained her well." He stated. Giles looked down as tears welled in his eyes.
Willow exclaimed "Oh God" as a wave of nausea washed over her as she thought of her friend's grief.
They remained that way for awhile, each one thinking about Buffy's sacrifice. The Whistler finally spoke. "Buffy is the strongest and most loyal Slayer we have ever had. The Powers That Be do not want to lose her so they are planning on sending her soulmate so she won't have to be lonely. This will hopefully lead her back to Sunnydale."
Willow's eyes lit up a little. "Angel?" She asked.
The stranger looked a little puzzled and then replied "I guess not, I think I heard that her soulmate was human." Xander secretly wished that he was her soulmate. "When she comes back," the Whistler lectured, "you must make her and her soulmate feel welcome. It may not be easy but you must do it."
Everyone nodded their heads in silent agreement, relieved that he said when and not if she comes back.
Somewhere in another plane, the lens flickered and came to life. Angel got up off the bench and sat cross- legged on the floor staring at the temporal mirror.
Buffy sat on a bench outside the nightclub. It was almost dawn and she was watching the first rays of sunlight reflect off the surface of the still lake. He noticed that she was still in her work clothes, but she was also wearing the leather jacket that he had given her so long ago. The thought that she would still wear his jacket made Angel smile just a little. He still loved her completely, even more if possible than he did the night of their union.
The cleanup crew came and began to tidy up the club since all of the drunk guys were finally gone. They played music on the sound system and the lyrics floated across the air ever so gently:
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rule of love
Buffy stared at the water, mesmerized by its gentle swaying, almost as if it was dancing to the tender lyrics. She thought of Angel, his smile, his trust, his touch. Her thoughts were interrupted as an old woman appeared and sat on the bench with her.
And fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
The Slayer recognized the old woman from the mission, she too was alone. They smiled briefly at each other and Buffy sank back into deep thought.
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
how ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I'll do what I have to do
and I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go
Buffy watched as a lonely waterbird glided silently across the lake.
The glowing ember, burning hot
and burning slow
deep within I'm shaken
by the violence of existing
for only you.
I know I can't be with you
I'll do what I have to do
A single tear rolled down Buffy's cheek. The woman saw it glittering in the sun's early light.
"Why don't you go home, Dear?" the Elder asked.
Buffy was startled by the voice and returned quickly from dreamland. "I can't." she answered flatly.
"They miss you terribly." The old woman announced. Buffy wondered how the old woman knew , but after the Slayer's tenure on the Hellmouth, very little surprised her.
"You still love him, don't you?" The homeless woman asked as she watched Buffy's fingers which were fiddling with the Claddah ring that she wore.
"Yes," the girl said slowly, "I still love him but it ended very badly."
"You still wear his ring?" the woman asked.
"Yeah," Buffy said as she stared at the intricate gift that held so many memories, "I don't have anywhere safe to keep it."
"Do you think he still loves you?" The woman questioned farther.
Buffy thought for a moment and then said sadly, "I doubt it, a lot of bad things happened between us and they were my fault."
The old lady then turned to Buffy, staring into the Slayer's eyes as if reading a difficult novel. Buffy could feel the gaze search her mind and was glad when the woman broke contact with her eyes. The old woman got up to go and as she prepared to leave she told the girl "no soul-damaging sacrifice would ever go unnoticed, unrewarded" And with that , the woman disappeared. Buffy was again alone on the bench overlooking the lake, lonely and confused by the message from the Elder.
Angel too was confused, as his lens ran out of power. He was overwhelmed by memories and guilt. He had often wondered if any part of Buffy still loved him. It was selfish of him to want her to but he did. The thought that Buffy blamed herself for his lost soul and trip to Hell sickened the vampire. But the fact that bothered him the worst was that his beloved was also in Hell, a different hell on the outside but the same within.
Buffy lay on her cot, trying to sleep but as usual not doing a very good job of it. She thought of the old woman's message and the fact that the Slayer had not seen her since that morning by the lake. As she stared at the cracked ceiling, a dark form entered "her room."
"Nice place Buff!" the Demon said.
Buffy sat up quickly on the defensive until she recognized him. "Whistler," she said, "what brings you here?"
"I came to say thank you for saving the world again and that I'm really sorry about Angel." The Demon replied
Buffy shuddered at the mention of her beloved and said "Thank you, but really, why are you here?"
The Whistler answered "The Powers That Be want to reward your strength and loyalty by sending you your soulmate so that you won't be alone."
"Angel?" Buffy asked hopefully
"No." the Whistler said, a human. "You will know him when you meet." And before the Slayer could utter a word, Whistler was gone.
Buffy sat on the bench outside the nightclub and stared at the lake as she did every dawn when her shift was over. Soft, gentle lyrics floated from the club out into the vast darkness.
Oh... why you look so sad?
tears are in your eyes
come on and come to me now
As she stared into the quiet world, her thoughts as usual turned to Angel. How she missed him. He was the only one who had ever understood her and she had sent him to Hell.
Don't be ashamed to cry
let me see you through
cause I've seen the dark side too
The Slayer sat there alone, swept by grief, her soul filled with sadness and desperation. It had been weeks since she had encountered Whistler and her loneliness was close to unbearable now.
When the night falls on you
you don't know what to do
nothing you confess
could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
As the first rays of morning light danced off the swaying water, Buffy heard footsteps and turned to face the sound.
"Buffy." A familiar voice said.
"Angel!" Buffy exclaimed as she ran to meet him. They held each other tightly as if letting go would cause the other to disappear. As the two lovers moved to sit on the bench, Buffy saw the old woman in the treeline. It was difficult to see her in the weak light but she was smiling at them. Buffy smiled back at her , a huge grin and said thank you with her mind. The Slayer wasn't sure how but she knew that her silent message was received by the strange woman.
Buffy looked Angel in the eyes and asked coyly "So you're my soulmate, huh?"
Angel just smiled at her and replied "Did you have any doubts?"
"No." Buffy said firmly as she hugged him close, she really had had no doubt.
Well, I'm alive like you
when you're standing at the crossroads
don't know which path to choose
let me come along
cause even if you're wrong...
Buffy leaned her head on Angel's chest and while listening to the rhythmic sound of his heartbeat, they watched the sun spread the life of a new beginning over the lake.
I'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
The End