Rating: About the same as a regular Buffy episode.
Spoilers: Graduation Part 1, miscellaneous Season 1, 2, & 3
Summary: What happened between Giles and Angel while Giles was taking care of him in Grad 1. I've seen a few angry Giles versions of this same story. Personally I don't believe it. I truly believe Giles has made his peace
with Angel.
Disclaimer - All characters belong to the great, wonderful but cruel Joss Whedon and the spineless weenies at the WB.
Dedicated to Andrea of course. I'll think of you when I drink a nice, fruity coconut drink on the beach!!! :)

Confessions

By Christine


Rupert Giles stood silently at the doorway to the darkened room and looked at the pale figure on the bed. A grim smile crossed his face as he thought of the irony of the situation. It was just about a year ago that his moans of anguish had run through the cold hallways of the mansion. Yet, he realized as he approached the bed; he got no satisfaction from seeing Angel suffer now.

Dipping a cloth in cool water he gently wiped the vampire's feverish brow.  Angel tossed his head weakly and murmured incoherently in his delirium.  "Easy now," Giles whispered. "It'll be all right. The children will find an answer. I'm sure of it."

"Giles?" Angel questioned as he slowly opened his eyes. "Where's Buffy?"

"She went to see if she could help the others. She'll be back soon."

"No!" Angel replied as he struggled to rise from the bed. "Don't let her come back. Don't let her watch me die. I've hurt her enough. She shouldn't have to see that."

Rather forcefully Giles pushed Angel back into the pillows. "You are not going to die. Buffy won't let it happen. I won't let it happen."

Sadly Angel shook his head. "Don't you see? This is what I deserve. I should have been dead a long time ago. Punished for what I did to Drusilla, what I did to Buffy." Angel paused for a second as if gathering strength before continuing. "What I did to you, to Jenny... This is how it has to be." Weakly he lay his head back and closed his eyes to wait for his death.

As he paced around the room with a thoughtful expression on his face, Giles began to speak. "There was a time, before your return, when I was able to think back over the events of those terrible months and easily separate you from the demon. At that time I mourned the loss of a friend and rejoiced in the destruction of a demon. It was all so neat and simple."  Returning to Angel's side he once again wiped his forehead with the cool cloth silencing his protests. "No, it's my turn to speak now. When you returned so suddenly the distinction was no longer there. You and the demon were one.  I wanted you dead; I'll admit that. I ached to pull the trigger the night you came to my home."

"Perhaps that might have been for the best," Angel whispered softly.

"Would it have been? Would your death have solved anything? Would it have brought Jenny back? What would your second death do to Buffy? Did I care? All these things went through my head. And finally I realized that yes I did care. I cared about my Slayer and I couldn't be the one to break her heart. That's why I helped her find out about the First." Taking a seat at the bedside, Giles quietly admitted aloud, "I realized that much of the anger I had directed at you was really anger at Buffy. Ultimately I blamed her for releasing your demon, her for Jenny's death. If only she had stopped you sooner Kendra would still be alive; I never would have been tortured. There were so many things."

"Giles, you can't blame Buffy. It wasn't her fault." Angel struggled to speak as tears filled her eyes. "She was only seventeen. She didn't know."

Laying a calming hand on Angel's forearm Giles spoke again. "I know that now. You see; I realized at that time I blamed her for letting me down. Deep inside I wanted her to be 'The Slayer', this strong-willed, determined creature that always did the right thing." Giles gave Angel an ironic look as he continued. "I'd forgotten that I was dealing with a seventeen year old girl, woman really, who'd had the fate of the world placed upon her shoulders without so much as a by your leave. And then her birthday came again. This time I was the one who let her down so badly." Leaning forward once again, Giles continued to wipe the vampire's forehead. "Rest now."

"No." Angel said as he pushed himself up on the pillows. "You can't be angry at her any longer. It was my fault. I never should have gotten close to her in the first place."

Giles nodded, "It wasn't the wisest thing you've ever done. But I'm at fault too. Maybe I should have forbidden her to see you. But then where would we have been? She would have died the night the Master rose." He sighed as he idly removed his glasses and began to polish them. "I've come to realize that certain things are just fated and there's no way to avoid them. Buffy's a stronger person, a stronger Slayer for having loved you. In a way I'm glad she's had that. You and I both know that Slayers don't live long. At least she's had great love in her life."

Angel smiled grimly, "But you still won't ask me to stay..."

"No," Giles shook his head. "I won't ask. And you know why. To have known such love and to no longer be able to enjoy it..." He shook his head again. "It would slowly kill you both. It's best for you to leave. But leave knowing that you will be missed, by all of us."

Their eyes met in silent understanding as the opening of the door echoed through the darkened room and Willow's voice called out, "Giles? Where are you?"

end

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Christine Fic