Rating: G
Summary: Set after Erana's "With or Without You". A series of letters from
Buffy to Angel after he leaves town.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Only playing. I promise not to hurt them too badly!
Thanks: To Erana for allowing me to play in her backyard. And as always to
Andrea for all the encouragement, nagging, and fun she's given me.
By: Christine
April 1999
Dear Angel,
You're not coming back are you? It's been almost six months and no word.
I look for you in the shadows every night, hoping. But I'm starting to realize
that you're not going to materialize out of the shadows ever again.
You promised me you would come back. That promise was all that kept me going
when I wanted to die after you first left. But looking back I realize that
you never said the words. You never said I promise. Does that make it easier
for you to stay away? How can you leave me here alone? Damn you!
It's so hard Angel. I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about you, worrying
about you. I want you here with me. I don't want to be alone. I want
to feel you arms around me and I can't. Oh God I wish you were here. But
I know that's not going to happen. You'll stay away out of some stupid belief
that I'm better off without you. You're so wrong. You're my life. I
need you so badly. I can't take this.
October 1999
Dear Angel,
I can't believe it's been a year since I last saw you. I tell myself that
it's easier now. That I don't hear you calling my name as I hunt through
the cemetery, that I don't see your shadow outside my window in the darkest
part of the night. But it's not easier. I think I hear your voice call my
name. I see a shadow move and for a second my heart leaps, only to face a
harsh and lonely reality once again. I keep telling myself that tomorrow
will be better. Then tomorrow comes and it's not. Do you hurt as badly? Tell
me it'll stop someday. Please?
I know I promised you I would try and find someone to love. I haven't. Not
yet, I'm not ready. I don't think I ever will be. You have my heart. There's
not enough left for anyone else. Nobody will ever compare to you. I miss
you so much.
We've started classes at Sunnydale University. Surprise, Surprise, Xander
and I were both admitted, poor grades and all. I think it had less to do
with us and more to do with the funding for a new library that came from
a rather mysterious source in England. Go figure. Classes are going well,
or as well as can be expected when you're out hunting demons at night.
This is so ridiculous. I'm writing to you like I'm actually going to be able
to send this letter. I wish I could. I wish I could talk to you. You were
always the person that I felt understood me best. I guess these letters are
my way of pretending you're still here. I like to think it helps a little.
I feel a little calmer now, a little closer to you.
November 2000
Dear Angel,
Time is passing. It's been over two years. Sometimes I think it was all a
dream. That you were some fantasy I created in my mind, but I know it wasn't
because at night, in my dreams, you're here with me. For a brief moment you're
real, everything is real again. I feel your hands as they touch me, your
lips on mine. I remember you so well I wake up expecting to find you here.
My dreams are the only thing that keeps me sane these days. They're a precious
memory to cling to while I smile and pretend everything is okay.
I've started dating, mostly to please everyone else. They were so worried
about me. It got to the point that I was afraid to look in their eyes, to
see the worry and concern as they watched me. So every once in awhile I let
Willow or Cordelia talk me into a double date with some guy. We'll go out
to dinner, or to a movie. Sometimes we'll go dancing at the Bronze. But the
night ends and I go home alone and think of you. I don't get many second
dates but I don't care.
I'm majoring in Physical Education. Can you imagine? Me? A teacher? But it
seemed the best thing to do given my other calling. Maybe I'll go back and
surprise Snyder. He'd drop dead on the spot.
Mom's doing well. She's become the queen of vampire dust removal. There
isn't a stain on my clothes that she can't get out. She still worries when
I'm out at night. I've told her how we used to hunt together. I think she
wishes I had the same back-up now. Somehow Xander and Cordelia just don't
watch my back as well as you did.
I wish I knew that you were okay. Are you as lonely as I am? I worry about
you so much. At least I have my friends. Who do you have? I wish... But there's
no sense in wishing. I guess this is how things are meant to be.
April 2003
My Dearest Angel,
I've met someone. It's hard to admit that to you. Don't think that I've forgotten
you or that I love you any less. It's just that I've been so alone, and he
makes me laugh.
I hadn't been sleeping well. I'd been having these really strange dreams.
I didn't know what they were about, what they predicted, but they were waking
me up every morning before dawn.
For want of something better to do, I began running in the mornings. I met
Todd at the track one morning a few months ago. For days we never spoke,
just paced one another as we ran for miles. I guess I liked that; the fact
that he didn't pry into who I was or immediately hit on me. I think it took
us almost three months to do more than nod hello. At first he was only
a running partner, but then one day we ran into each other at the campus
pub, that was our first real conversation. After that he just seemed to be
there, at the track, in the pub, occasionally wandering through the library.
We aren't dating, but we aren't not dating. Does that make sense?
He reminds me a lot of you. He just accepts me, doesn't push me to be more
then who I am. If I hustle him out of the library during a demon research
night he goes without any questions. If I have to break a get together because
of slayage he understands. He's always there when things calm down, waiting
with a joke and a smile.
I don't know what going to happen. I can't forget you, can't forget what
we had. But he's offering me a chance not to be alone. Suddenly no being
alone any longer seems like a good idea. But what do I do? Do I tell him
who, what I am? Do I tell him I'll never have a normal life, that I'm not
supposed to be alive, that Slayers aren't supposed to live past their twentieth
birthday? Do I tell him that my heart belongs to someone I can't have? That
I don't think I'm capable of giving him the love he wants?
Oh God, what do I do?
September 2003
Dear Angel,
Well he knows about me being the Slayer. He found out a few days ago. We
had been coming back from a night at the movies with Xander and Cordelia,
Willow and Oz. A group of vampires attacked us. We fought them off pretty
easily but the damage was done. How do you explain a body exploding into
dust? Explain being the Chosen one? We ditched everyone and then I tried
to explain. He understood it, but wasn't sure that he could accept it. He
left that night and I didn't see him for three days. I figured it was over.
He came back two days ago with the ugliest plant I've ever seen. It turns
out it was garlic. He thought I could use a renewable supply in my never-ending
battle with the undead.
So where do we go from here? He accepts me for what I am, do I let myself
love him? I don't know that I can. God help me, but sometimes when he kisses
me I see your face. I miss you so much.
June 2004
Dearest Angel,
I'm getting married. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I'm
tired of thinking, tired of missing you, tired of being alone. Short of
abandoning my duty and heading out in search of you I don't know what else
to do.
Everyone says we're perfect together, that I'm so lucky to find someone that
accepts me for who I am. On the outside I play the part of the blushing bride
and pretend to be excited about what color the flowers are. But inside, inside
my heart is yours. I've never missed you more then I do right now.
Sometimes I think he knows about you, even though no one has ever mentioned
your name or what we shared. He'd have to blind not to realize that there
was someone else in my past, someone who I truly belong to. But he seems
happy to accept what I'm capable of giving him.
This is probably the biggest mistake of my life, but I don't know what to
do to stop it. I'm so sorry.
September 2004
Dear Angel,
I'm going to be a mother. I can't believe it. I'm excited but at the same
time I wonder if I'm wrong to bring a child into this world knowing that
I probably won't be there to see her grow up? I've been lucky so far, the
luckiest Slayer ever. But that luck can't hold out forever. But I know her
father and my friends will ensure that she's safe and loved no matter what
happens.
Todd and my mom are thrilled. All my Slayerettes are happy for me. Giles,
well Giles just wanders around with this befuddled look on his face. Training
is going to get very interesting I'm sure.
I said she earlier, I know I'm having a daughter. I had a dream of a beautiful
little, blonde baby girl. I just hope the only thing she inherits from me
is my blonde hair. I don't want her to have my destiny. I want her to be
safe, to have a happy life.
May 2005
My Love,
It's a girl, but you know that, don't you? I found the cross in her crib.
You were here. You stood, not twenty feet from where I was sleeping, and
you watched over my little girl, my Elizabeth.
I felt you, did you know that? I woke up and knew you were nearby. Did you
see me run out the door searching for you? Did you hide in the shadows and
watch me cry? To know you were so near and that I missed seeing you by seconds,
it broke my heart. I'm Buffy Adams now. I have a daughter. I have a husband.
But I still love you with all my heart. I wish I could have seen you,
if only for a moment. I wish I could have felt your arms around me one last
time.
Today Willow finally admitted to me that she's been in touch with you all
these years. That's how you knew about Beth isn't it? You've been watching
over me all this time. Did it hurt you to find out about Todd? I hope
you understood. I couldn't be alone any longer. The nights were so dark and
empty without you. But I guess the joke is on me. Even with a husband, my
nights are still dark and lonely.
Promise me you'll watch over my little girl if anything happens to me. Be
her real life guardian Angel. Please? I just have this horrible feeling that
I won't be there to see her grow up and I need to know that she'll be safe.
September 2005
Dear Angel,
I've given these letters to Willow. She promised me she would get them to
you. I think you deserve the chance to read them.
There's no easy way to tell you this; Buffy died three weeks ago. An incredibly
ancient vampire came to town seeking to harness the power of the Hellmouth.
No one spoke it but I think we all knew that this was the end. She'd been
having horrible dreams once again, dreams of her own death. But what could
she do? She was the Chosen One. It didn't matter that she was my wife, the
mother of my child. Her destiny had to come first. I just hope that someday
I can make Beth understand that.
Buffy defeated this ancient but at tremendous cost to herself. She died in
my arms. But the last thing she spoke was your name. I didn't understand
at first, I thought she meant angels had come to meet her. But after
the funeral, when I was going through her things, I found these letters.
Suddenly I started to understand. Things I had quietly accepted as mysterious
slayer things began to make sense. I realized that you were the reason behind
the cut-off conversations. You were the one who had her heart. I hadn't
understood why finding that cross in Beth's crib upset her so much. But looking
back I realized it matched the cross she always wore. You gave that to her
didn't you? And then you came here and left one for our daughter.
I went to Willow and she finally explained everything to me. Who you were,
how much you loved each other, the terrible things that tore you apart. I
understand her so much better now. I always knew that she had given her heart
to someone else. Knew that she didn't love me with the intensity and passion
I knew she was capable of. Now I even know why she never wanted to celebrate
her birthday, why she became so upset if I even mentioned it.
Part of me thinks I should hate you. You were always a silent ghost haunting
our relationship, a shadow that prevented her from being truly happy. After
all how could she be happy with a mere mortal when she once had the love
of an angel? But I can't hate you. Because I realize you truly loved her.
You gave up everything so she could get a chance at a normal life. I was
lucky enough to benefit from your sacrifice. I got to marry her, to live
with her, to have a child with her. I had more time with her then you ever
did or ever will.
I know she loved me as much as she was able. I was satisfied with that because
even that little bit was so special. But you know that, don't you?
I guess there's really nothing left to say now, except thank you.
Sincerely,
Todd Adams