Rating: G
Disclaimer: Joss likes to hurt me. I love you Glenn.
Summary: Angel tries to deal with Doyle's death.
Feedback: Yes damn you.
For those like me.
By: Karen
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I'm old. Granted I've seen things. I know things. Things most people can't comprehend. How could you in such a short life span? An eyeblink and you're gone. Three eye blinks and I'm still wondering where the first group of you went.
Imortality isn't a concept I'm comfortable with. I'll stake myself eventually. Probably when I run out of things to brood over. Gotta love the brooding.
Back to eyblinks. You know they're going to happen. That's what you learn. Acceptance of the enevitable death of everything you've ever known or loved. Nothing is forever. Except me. Vampire humor.
But there are sometimes when you stretch and strain against the muscles that are determined to shut and open up on a new world where you're forced to begin again. Forced to love new people. But you never forget the old. That hole in your soul never closes.
The thing is you expect the blink. You know it's coming. Still you hope for more than the scant fifty to 60 years of human life span. And you expect to make full use of those years. Than a mote blocks the view and somebody's gone.
Doyle was my friend. The first true friend in a long time. He was supposed to live forever. Fight beside me. Hit on Cordelia. Call himself a coward and than save my ass. He was supposed to make fun of my hair and my forehead which doesn't look cromagnum to me...Maybe a little sloped... Point is: He was supposed to last longer. Live longer. Be here for me. To stop me from being so dark and broody. Did I mention my tendency to brood? Cordelia says I do it with wanton abandon. Not sure what that means. She could be sarcastic.
Now the blink came in a small way. It wiped out a part of my world. The worst part: I was willing to die for him. Not that mine would have been the greater sacrifice. I half think I'm suicidal with all my heroic charges. I'm dead. I don't think about death. I've seen hell. No illusions there.My soul has touched heaven. No fear.
Doyle he doesn't know. He was a living thing. Never tasted the Grim Reaper's blade. He had so much to live for and he gave it up to save me. Damn it. So I could go on being everybody's damned savior. Protector of the innocent.
If I'm so damned good at my job why couldn't I be the Promised one? Why couldn't I finally die for good? Leaving Doyle and Cordy to live happily ever after if she didn't kill him with her coffee. Stuff's like motor oil.
I can still see the look in his eyes as we said our goodbye, silently. A manly thing, right? I say his name. He looks intense and then wham! I'm on the ground and he's on his way. He made his decision to die for a aspiring artist, a souled vampire and a quarter of a mile of half breed demons. Most of them would never even know what he'd done.
Damn him for being a hero.
Damn him for leaving us behind. I hope they serve alcohol in heaven... Lil bastard drinks like a fish.
The End.