RATING PG
CONTENT a couple of vague sexual situations
SPOILER WARNINGS What's My Line
SUMMARY A parody of Rebecca Carefoot's Musical Chairs.
DISCLAIMER 'tain't mine. Joss Whedon and his buddies own the
characters; Rebecca Carefoot owns the original story. And THANKS,
Rebecca, for letting me write the parody and for giving me this cool
parody archive.
Willow: Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me. I love you so
much! I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch.
from "Bewitched, Bothered, Bewildered"
Xander: I just don't trust Oz with her. I mean, he's a senior, he's
attractive -- okay, maybe not to me, but -- and he's in a band. And we
know what kind of element that attracts.
from "Phases"
"Cordelia?" Willow demanded. "Cordelia?" Willow couldn't have been more shocked if Xander had said he was dating Snyder. Come to think of it, she'd approve that more -- Xander nodded and dragged her into a broom closet. Amazing, how many broom closets there were in this place. Always one around when you needed it.
"I thought you hated Cordelia."
"I do." Xander groaned.
"And you kissed her because . .. ?"
"Look at her! She's gorgeous! Sheesh, Will, go blind recently?" Xander grinned goofily, hormones a-ragin'
Demons. It had to be demonic possession. Maybe it was Sam Beckett. A vampiric curse. She'd stepped into the Twilight Zone. This was pod-Xander. Anything to avoid the most obvious answer: Cordelia was a witch like Amy. No, wait --
The obvious was that Xander was attracted to Cordelia. But how? How? Her heart scrambed to rgasp an answer. What was so attractive about Cordelia? Sure, she wore skimpy clothes, had a killer figure, had flawless hair and skin, and wore makeup prefectly, but --
She stopped that line of thought. SHE was beginning to find Cordelia attractive. Willow forced herself to ask, "So, you gonna date her?"
"Cordelia? Please! I'd rather date Snyder." He thought about that one. "Um, let me retract that --"
"Never mind. You gonna tell Buffy?"
"Telling Buffy is why? She'll laugh."
"She's our friend, Xander." Then she realized how silly that statement was. Not only did Xander's taste in women indicate that he should be committed for a nice long stay in the Sunnydale rest home, you didn't tell your friends EVERYTHING. Xander would likely have no interest in hearing the details of her latest bout with stomach flu, for instance.
"She won't laugh to my face, but she'd tell Angel. And HE would certainly laugh in my face."
"Good point." The bell rang. Xander said, "Time to get to class . . ." and then the door opened. Snyder poked his head into the closet. "Harris, are you done in here YET?"
"We were, um, just leaving." Snyder nodded and, as Xander and Willow left the room, dragged in one of the cleaning ladies . . . .
She sat down at the library table and placed her head wearily down on her folded arms. Then she reattached it to her body. I'm not going to take it anymore, she thought. I'm going to return this removable head. She had loved Xander forever. Or at least it seemed that way. She had waited for him, patiently. Waited for the day he'd notice her as a WOMAN. She'd told herself it was only a matter of time. Of course, she also told herself it was only a matter of time until the Cubs won the World Series.
Well, that fantasy was over. The Cubs would never win anything. And Xander was kissing Cordelia. CORDELIA. He hated Cordelia like nothing else. Except Snyder. And now he wanted her. Deny it until he was blue in the face, she thought disgustedly, he wanted Cordelia. "I wonder if that means he wants Snyder too," she whispered to herself.
Giles touched her shoulder, interrupting her thoughts. She swung her chair around to face him.
Bad move. He'd been in front of her. She swung back around.
"Willow?" Giles asked nervously. "Are you quite all right?" And of course she couldn't tell Giles. The man was brilliant, but knew as much about affairs of the heart as an ostrich knew about aphrodisiacs. Some things he couldn't understand. Like computers.
"I'm alright," she said. He accepted the answer and walked off towards his office, accidentally bumping into "the dread machine" along the way. Willow had to scramble to keep it from crashing into the floor. The bell rang and she had to hustle off to class again. She was amazed at how the periods at this school seemed to be only five minutes long.
Hurrying to her next class, Willow slammed into someone and knocked him down. She knelt to pick up her books, and the accident victim helped her. It was Oz, who now sported brunette hair.
"Oz!" she gasped. "Oh! I'm so sorry --" She blinked. Oz's hair had just turned blond.
"Hi, Willow," he said almost shyly as he handed her the last of her books. She started to rise, but he stopped her. "Ok, um, I'm just going to say this flat out. Want to go out with me?"
"On a date?" Oz's hair was now red.
"Dinner, movie, the Bronze -- whatever high schoolers do on dates."
She slapped him. That was DISGUSTING!
"That's NOT what I meant," he said. She shook her head no, thinking of Xander's brown eyes, his soft lips . . . his empty wallet. What was she thinking?
"Friday's good," she said. He bounced up and down happily. "Friday is terrific." He agreed to call her and a grin lit up her face, uncalled for. Damn those electric gag glasses, she thought, unscrewing the battery. Dates were uncharted territory for her. Hell, dates were off the stupid map entirely. But she was determined. Her life had to change. She took a deep breath and moved forward.
And slammed into a locker.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"So, Will, anything new and exciting in this thrill ride we call our lives?" Buffy asked when she met her auburn-haired -- or was that red? For the life of her, she couldn't figure it out sometimes -- friend. The good news was, neither could anyone else. "Of course, MY day went beautifully -- I had a close encounter of the Snyder kind."
Willow gasped. "That was YOU in the closet with Snyder?" Never mind. She didn't want to know that. Of course, she hadn't wanted to know about vampires, computer demons, or Xander and Cordy either, so it wasn't exactly as though she had say in these matters.
"Huh? No, someone told him about the shooting incident."
"That wasn't me! I don't even own a 30.06 rifle! And, anyway, I missed."
"No, Will. The demon bounty hunter disguised as a cop? I told him the gun went off by mistake. Faulty guns are a plague to humanity. HE bought it. How he missed the huge fight, Kendra, and the cop running off I have no idea. People really ARE delusional here in Sunnydale." She paused. "And you?"
"Eventful. First, Oz asked me out. I accepted."
"Get down with your bad self."
"No, Buff, that's Gonna Make Some Changes."
"Right. And?"
"I'm proud of you," the Slayer said. They parted and Buffy saw the tears running down the hacker's face.Thoughtfully, she pulled a chair out. Unfortunately, Willow was already starting to sit down and landed in a heap on the floor. Buffy pulled her up and the two sat down next to each other. "So, why the change of heart?"
"I'm not supposed to tell."
Buffy pouted. "No fair. There's nothing you can't tell me." Except for details about Willow's bout of stomach flu. THAT she had no interest in whatsoever.
"Not my secret," Willow said.
"I KNOW about Snyder and the cleaning Lady," Buffy said. "Not that? Cordelia's? Giles'? Angel's?" Buffy may have been tough, strong and smart, but she was about as intuitive as an overripe kumquat. On the last guess, she hit it. "Xander's?" Willow nodded. "So, is he joining the army? Has he become a vampire? Is he leaving town? Forming a rock band? Cooking us a delicious meal of lamb with mint jelly? Coud he . . ."
Eager to cut off Buffy's stream-of consciousness ramblings, Willow blurted, "It's another girl!"
"He's not doing that silly obsessed with me schtick again, is it?" Willow shook her head no. "Well, it's not you, or Amy, or Ms. Calendar, or any of the cleaning ladies, or . . ." fifteen minutes later, Buffy had run through every woman in Sunnydale, including Dru, Xander's mother, and 102-year-old Mrs. Thornton who lived in the spooky house on the hill, EXCEPT Cordelia. Twice Willow tried to interrupt, but on Buffy's glare and raised stake backed off. FINALLY the Slayer trailed off. "In order, that's who Xander might be interested in. Unless he's gay . . . no. He's one of the most un-gay people we know."
Larry poked his head from the stacks. "Xander's gay?" he said hopefully. Willow and Buffy shook their heads no and Larry trudged off, saying, "Oh, MAN . . . "
"No," Willow said, "It's Cordelia. Apparently they hate each other in one of those can't-keep-their hands-off-one-another-kind of ways."
"Oh. Well, those relationships never work except on television." Willow glared at Buffy. "What?" The Slayer said.
"I'm moving on. I'm going to date Oz."
"That's great. He seems like a real doll."
"What?! You mean like Sid? he was a dummy. Are you calling Oz a dummy? Never mind. You'll help me get ready?"
"My vast local experience with men, at your service."
"Oh! And you can't tell Xander either. I promised to keep it a secret."
"Sure. But remind me not to tell you anything important, 'kay?"
Right then Xander, Cordelia and Oz -- with green hair! burst into the library, one after the other. Cordelia and Oz were cussing at Xander, who ignored them determinedly.
"Willow," he said, "I can't take this. I love YOU."
Oz's hair turned a bright purple; Cordelia said, "Give me the name of your stylist so I can hunt him down and kill him, okay?"
"Me?" Willow began babbling. "But I was moving on! I was going to date Oz! You were going to make out with Cordy. Only after that were you going to realize you loved me. This isn't fair!" She stomped her feet. "WE DIDN'T GET TO TORTURE CORDELIA!"
Xander grabbed her hand and they both rushed off to find an empty broom closet. They threw open the first door they came to -- Snyder was still in there with the cleaning woman. The second was also occupied by a couple making out, the third by a man pulling down his pants and changing into tights -- as he was being dragged off by the local police he kept screaming, "I'm Superman! I'm Superman!" -- and the fourth by mops, brooms, and various forms of cleaning fluid. "What are THEY doing in a broom closet?" Xander wondered. After a lot of searching, they found one, settled in, and started talking.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"So is it true?" Willow asked. "Do you love me?"
"Yes," he answered. "I swear it's true. I guess I just thought that trying to alter our relationship would mean I'd lose my best friend."
"Oh, XANDER . . ." she said.
"But then I thought, naah, Buffy'll like me no matter what. So I decided to tell you." He could see the struggle on her face as she tried to decide whether to believe him or punch him in the nose. With a cry she sank into his arms and he could see her decision had been made. Either that or she'd been overcome by the fumes.
He ran his hands through her hair and lowered his lips to hers. This time, she gave in. He held her tightly, like he would never let go. His hands ran over her body and she let those barriers she'd had down. Xander fell into her eyes . . .and then onto the floor. It WAS the fumes.
They pulled themselves upwards and tossed the cleaning fluid out the door. Willow watched Snyder slip and fall on the softsoap and allowed herself a small smile. Then she turned back to Xander. "I love you," she whispered. Their lips met again, but they'd already been introduced. He was insanely happy.
Buffy overheard the conversation and the kissing and looked at Cordelia and the now-bald guitarist. "Don't go in there," she said.
"Go in there?" Cordelia shrieked. "I can't even move with all this damn soap on the floor!"
"One benefit, though," Oz said as he kicked Snyder in the head as hard as he could.
"So," Buffy said, "What are the two of you going to do about this?"
"I'm thinking revenge," Cordy said.
"I'm with you," said the gray-haired musician.
Buffy got an evil grin on her face. "I have an idea . . ."
Back in the closet, Willow and Xander had finished kissing. "Do you really love me," Willow asked. "Really, Truly, Madly, Deeply, do?"
"Naaah," he said and got up. "Just wanted to cop a cheap feel. See ya." He sat back down at Willow's imminent-death stare and said, "Yes. I swear."
She hoped that he did love her. The way they'd treated Cordelia and Oz it was a safe bet no one else would want them. Then she looked up at the tall dark-haired boy beside her and got lost. Oh, that's right. The broom closet. Her best friend was her boyfriend . . . her soul shivered. Her body, too. Broom closets were COLD. This was no dream. It was real, and better than her dreams. Except for that one about being the next Bill Gates . . .
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Morning After, of course, they came out of the closet -- though not in a way that would have pleased Larry. Shyly, nervously, afraid that everyone was looking at them, they made their way down the hall to the library to formalize their relationship before their friends. (No, not in that way-- get your mind out of the gutter.)
Oddly, the library was dark. Xander fumbled for and eventually found the lights -- and what they saw was the BIGGEST shock of their lives. EVERYONE they knew was making out. Well, except for Miss Edith.
But it wasn't the making out that shocked them -- it was the partners. Buffy was kissing Oz. Druscilla -- Druscilla! -- was kissing Angel. Giles and Buffy's mom were going at it pretty hot and heavy. Cordelia was frenching Spike. And Jenny Calendar was being groped by Principal Snyder, though she obviously wasn't ENJOYING it any.
Xander and Willow gasped. "What's going on here?"
Buffy chirped, "What does it look like? Playing Musical Chairs just like you taught us! We think things are going to be a lot more fun this with everyone switching off every few weeks or so."
Giles pulled himself from Ms. Summers' grip and said. "Um, yes. After learning your solution, Buffy, Cordelia and Oz returned here and said they were Gonna Make Some Changes around here."
Spike put a Sighing Game face on. "Yes, and I for one must say I'm bloody well enjoying myself."
Druscilla added, "And Buffy, when will you get Mr. Gordo? Miss Edith needs a date, she does! She's so lonely --"
Jenny Calendar concluded the farce, with a look of grim determination on her face. Obviously she felt she couldn't take too many Nights Like These. As she walked out the door -- Snyder following -- she turned and said, "Well, I can't wait for the next switcharound, Xander. YOU get Larry . . ."
Everyone else returned to kissing. Xander and Willow could only stand and gawp.
the end
Willow: Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me. I love you so
much! I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch.
from "Bewitched, Bothered, Bewildered"
Xander: I just don't trust Oz with her. I mean, he's a senior, he's
attractive -- okay, maybe not to me, but -- and he's in a band. And we
know what kind of element that attracts.
from "Phases"