Chapter 8
“I heard everybody’s voice cut out when you spoke
And I watched all the lights go dim as your eyes opened.”
-Alkaline Trio
“Xander, do you ever find that you’re forgetting things?” Buffy asked, resting her chin on her hands.
“No, I remember everything, part of the job, remember?” he answered sitting across from her at the table.
“No, not about demons and stuff, like personal stuff. The other day I spent an hour trying to remember if my mom liked sugar in her coffee. And it’s stupid, I know, but I used to make her coffee every Saturday morning so how could I forget that?” she asked.
Xander shrugged, “Don’t sweat it, Buffster. You’ll always remember the important things, but as time goes by our lives change and the past just sorta blends into the background.”
Buffy sighed, “When did you get to be all wise?”
“When I became a demon librarian, came with the job.” He poured her another cup of tea.
“Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had never met me or if I had never been Called?” she asked, dumping three cubes of sugar into the tea.
“Um, well, first off I’d be long dead probably from a vampire or something…ew maybe I’d be a vampire…er, no offense to your significant other,” he said quickly. “And I wouldn’t have met Ahn…I’d probably have become my father and spent my life with a wife that hated me and an alcohol problem.”
“Hmm,” Buffy said thoughtfully. “I guess I never thought about it like that.”
“Why? Something going on with you and Spike?”
Buffy shook her head, “No, things are great. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we get on each other’s nerves every so often, but I just…sometimes I just wonder.”
Xander picked up her hands off the table and looked her in the eyes. “Buffy, she died from a drunk driver. That had nothing to do with you being the Slayer.”
“How did you know what I was thinking about?” she asked.
“Buffy, I do own a calendar and you always get like this at this time of the year.”
“But maybe the Powers were mad at me that day. Maybe I was being punished,” she insisted.
“Buffy, did you ever stop to think that if you had never been called, then Dawn would have been placed in your care-“
“But then she couldn’t have died in the accident,” Buffy interrupted.
“You’re missing the point. If you weren’t the Slayer, you probably wouldn’t have met Spike. You would be with someone else, and Madison wouldn’t have been in your life. Dawn wouldn’t have been in your life…Taylor wouldn’t have existed…none of us would have been in your life.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t really change anything, I just…“
“Think about it sometimes,” Xander finished.
“Yeah.”
“I know what you mean.”
XXX
Spike watched the range of emotions play through Buffy’s eyes.
“I…I didn…I jus…” She looked down and tried to find a spot on the floor to rest her eyes.
“Buffy, look at me,” his grip tightened on her arms. “I.Was.In.Heaven. I was with…everyone, Maddy…and my ma and da…” Spike stood up, he couldn’t be in the room with her right now.
“Where-where are y-you going?” she asked frightfully, grabbing his ankle like it was her lifeline.
Spike sighed and crouched back down. “I’m not leavin’ ya. I’m going to get some clothes.”
“You don’t love me anymore?” It was a question that made his heart break.
“I still love you, but…I just, I need to not be with you right now.” He walked upstairs without looking back, never once noticing that anyone else had been in the room besides him and Buffy.
XXX
Xander sat on the bed and watched Anya unpack their suitcases. Apparently they were going to stay here for a few days while Lenore read her cards and consulted the stars. None of it made any sense to Xander. If Drusilla was going to be releasing Angelus, then they should be running to the rescue stakes blazing, but apparently that would upset the “balance of life” or some crap like that.
“Where do you think Spike went when he died?” Xander asked suddenly.
“I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess Hell because he’s a vampire and all,” Anya answered.
“Yeah, but he’s been helping the side of good for over two hundred years, and the Powers have already given him retribution for all the evil he did, remember?”
“Oh, then I guess he went to Heaven. Why?” Anya asked.
“Oh God, Buffy’s gonna pull him out of Heaven!” Xander looked at Anya in shock.
“Well that’s ridiculous,” Anya said. “She was so upset when we did it to her, I doubt she’d do that to someone else.”
“Ahn, she’s not thinking clearly and she’s in the presence of an insane vampire. Let’s think about this,” Xander said.
“Hmm, well that’s going to make Spike very unhappy.”
XXX
“How’s my hair look?” Willow asked worriedly.
“Your hair looks fine,” Buffy assured her.
“And what about my clothes,” she asked, smoothing down the white pantsuit she was wearing. “I should have gone with the dress, shouldn’t I? I knew it, I knew I should have gotten the dress.”
“Would you relax,” Dawn said. “It’s not like Tara’s gonna leave you at the altar or something.”
Both Buffy and Willow shot Dawn a death look.
“You know, I’m just gonna go to where, um, somewhere else,” Dawn muttered and ran out the door.
“I wish that Xander could be here,” Willow said.
Buffy adjusted the boutonniere on Willow’s jacket. “He wanted to be here too, but at least he’ll be able watch via that portal you set up.”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“I know…Wow! Look at you Wills, you look beautiful.”
Willow turned to look into the mirror. “You know sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I think that my whole life is a dream, and that I’m going to wake up tomorrow nerdy, old Willow still in high school wishing that someone would notice her.”
Buffy put her arm around Willow’s shoulders. “I know what you mean.” She smiled at their reflections. “Come on, let’s get you married.”
“Joined,” Willow corrected her. “It’s not legal for us to be married.”
“Well, technically it’s not legal for me to be married to a vampire, but it still feels like a real marriage to me,” Buffy told her.
Willow smiled and the two girls walked out of the room.
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