(Author's Note: This is a very mild chapter, especially in comparison to the last one, which was actually pretty draining. This chapter begins a series of three that sort of outlines the way Buffy's feelings, and Buffy herself, are changing. It sort of fluffy, because I really need a bit of fluff.
Oh, a few reviewer have begged me not to write *shudders* Biley. If you knew me at all, you'd know there is no danger of that. Don't worry. Oh, the soldier bit was just to introduce their increased presence in Sunnydale. Sort of like how they did it on the show.)
Xander had lain awake half the night listening to his parents drunken fighting. Whenever he closed his eyes he kept seeing that damn bottle cap shredding delicate skin. He kept hearing Buffy words and thinking about all the times his father had ripped him up verbally in public and no had ever said anything.
He had turned into one of those people.
Anya had left hours ago, shaken up herself. He had listened to a barrage of anti-Buffy sentiments he couldn't bring himself to refute.
This guy had just looked so out of it. Like he was trying to control a violent reaction by turning it around on himself.
Xander had a dream that night when he finally fell asleep. In the dream Buffy was saying those things to him. Cordelia had finally gone sane and dumped his ass. No one would ever want to be with him…
He woke up in a cold sweat, his guts twisting. He sat up in bed and looked at the clock. It was six a.m.
He stared at the numbers until they bled together and made a decision.
* * *
Tara and Willow had just left for school. Spike sat staring at his cooling cup of Raspberry Zinger Tara had made for him. She put in lots of milk and sugar the way he liked it and steeped it for a long time.
He didn't deserve it. He couldn't bring himself to drink it.
The Slayer was right. Maybe not that she could take Tara away from him, but that he didn't deserve what he had.
He ghosted his hand over his ribcage and onto his stomach. He had a brief, mad urge to rip himself open and get the gem out of him. Give it to the poofter and make him and the Slayer happy.
The doorbell rang.
He looked up startled. The only person who had ever rang it before was Joyce and she would be at work by now.
He opened the door and found Xander Harris on his porch in a pair of cutoffs and a Hawaiian shirt, “So, that surfing lesson, how about today?”
* * *
Spike had surprised himself by handing over his own surfboard for the boy's use. It was the coolest one in the shop, a wicked design of black and red tribal patterns, and he was handing it over to an amateur.
He picked up Tara's loaded it into the car.
They sat in silence as Spike started up the Desoto and searched for a decent radio station. The Red Hot Chili Peppers soon filled in the quiet nicely.
Their arrival at the beach was hailed by some of Spike surfing acquaintances. Derrick, Josh, and Tyler were all UC Sunnydale students that happened to frequent the waves at the same morning hours Spike usually did. Spike had fallen into an easy camaraderie with them over the last few weeks and today was no exception.
Xander turned out to have a talent for surfing; he later explained he had been quite the skateboarder in his early high school days. After a bit more time, over a burger and onion rings at a local hamburger stand, he explained he'd given it up after his friend Jesse had been turned and he had to stake him. Spike sympathized and made Xander absolutely bug-eyed with the story of having to stake his own mother.
When they headed back into town they were both a little shocked to realized they'd played the day away and it was time for Spike to pick up Tara from class.
* * *
Buffy had decided to assuage her guilt in the easiest way she knew how. She would simply avoid the person she felt guilty for hurting for the rest of her life.
It would have been a good plan; if she didn't live in Sunnydale and the person wasn't a friend of both her mother and her best friend.
At least, I hope she's still my best friend, Buffy thought, glancing down several rows of seats to where Willow and Tara sat. Psychology class had never been so lonely.
Whenever she and Willow met up, her friend always looked like she was about to burst out with something and then swallowed it back. The silences were not comfortable.
She found herself wondering what Spike was doing right now. She wondered if he was all right, he'd looked awful when Tara had practically marched him out of the Bronze. Buffy gathered up her books and made her way out of the classroom.
Someone jogged up to her and started asking her if she was free for coffee, but all she could think about was when she'd leaned in close to Spike's face and the dusting of freckles he had across his nose and how bizarrely sweet that was. She absently made excuses to the T.A. without even wondering why he would want to go for coffee with her.
She wondered if he had gotten home and realized he was angry with her. He'd been so hesitant and almost shy when dealing with her so far, she would hate to have him revert to hating her, not that she didn't deserve it, she thought guiltily.
So he'd been trying to kill her two and a half years ago, so had nearly everyone else. Her former lover included. He was making an effort to change and she wasn't giving him a chance. She realized maybe the level of guilt she was feeling was a bit of overkill, but she just couldn't take the sorrowful, disappointed looks Willow kept giving her over the last few days.
Not to mention the odd vicious glare she got from Tara, who really seemed like such a nice person. What kind of person am I to have someone like that so angry with me? Buffy couldn't concentrate on her books, she couldn't concentrate on her classes, the old Buffy would have blamed Spike as if he had any control whatsoever over her mind. But this was the new Buffy, she decided, the Buffy who takes responsibility for her own obsessions-
Not that Spike was an obsession of her's she quickly corrected herself.
* * *
Willow and Tara were deep in discussion and honestly not thinking of Buffy at all, despite the looks they were receiving for her.
“I do it every six months to make it special for him. Sometimes you just need some encouragement, you know? Some appreciation of all the hard work you've done.” Tara was making a list of food to buy.
“I think it's a great idea! A 'Happy Not Killing People For Another Six Months' Party for Spike! Um, we should find a better title for it, though.” Willow winced.
“I want it to be extra special this time so I think we should have it a few days early so it will really be a surprise. He's already going to be really excited that it'll be more than just him and I. Joyce is definitely coming. Do you think we should invite Xander and Anya?” Tara circled Hot Wings twice.
“They were getting along at the Bronze. I think they'd come. What should we get him for 'Happy Not Killing People- we really need to shorten that title- presents?”
“Well, I was thinking we'd have a musical theme. Spike really needs a hobby to kill time before I get home from class. One day, I caught him trying to shoot the squirrels that get into the bird feeder. He has some kind of private war going on with them. I tried to explain that maybe a twelve gauge isn't the best way to solve all your problems. He really needs some distractions or he starts to get antsy.” Tara smiled affectionately.
“Oh, oh! I could get him a harmonica! He could even carry that around in that black coat he always wears! And plus, harmonica equals fun to be had by all!”
“That sounds great! Joyce is doing something really huge.” Tara confided, leaning in.
“Ooooh, what?” Willow whispered conspiratorially even though no one in the vicinity had any interest in what they were talking about.
“She's had this old upright piano forever that no one plays so she's going to give it to him and have it tuned. Spike used to play when he was alive. I've heard him and he's really good. It'll give him something to practice on.” Tara noticed for the first time that she never stuttered around Willow anymore.
“That's so great! Now I'm all excited for him! Are you sure we have to wait a whole three days?” Willow bounced up and down.
Tara laughed, “Well, there's still the food and the presents to buy. I'm hoping he likes what I'm getting him, too. Oh, and we have to make the cake, and figure out how we're going to get him out of the house to set up.”
“Hey guys, what's going on?”
Tara slapped the notebook closed in surprise.
Willow tried to look friendly but just kept feeling that awful, sad feeling she got whenever she was around Buffy in the scene at the Bronze, “Hey, Buffy, we're not really doing anything.”
Buffy put her books down, “Do you mind if I join you then?”
Tara got up and addressed Willow, “I really should go and wait for Spike, he'll be here soon and I don't want him to have to wait. Here's your half of the list.”
Willow bit her lip and said goodbye.
“List of what?” Buffy piped up, and Willow could tell she was trying to be cheerful.
“Oh, nothing you'd be interested in.” At least that was the truth, Willow thought.
* * *
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