Buffy had lain awake all night listening to Willow breathe. She stared up at the bland gray ceiling of her dorm room and did nothing but run scenario after scenario through her head. She thought of nothing but her immediate future and how much she wanted that future to contain a distinctly Spike-like presence. Preferably lying in the bed next to her.
She liked him, and that felt like the understatement of the year.
She ran through a pros and cons list like she learned to do in Health class back in junior high.
Pros: He's an uber-hottie puddle of goodness. He's smart. He's funny. He has a car and a house and is totally mature enough to handle both. He's a friend with my friends. He apparently is a sex god. He can fight almost as well as I can so I won't have to worry about him all the time. He has those yoga pants… that should probably be under uber-hottie. He gives good hugs, I've never gotten one but they look really nice. He has hobbies that don't involve graveyards and he probably won't ever give me a poetry book for my birthday. He's loyal, even to insane whack job girlfriends, so I'm covered there for those times of the month. He isn't the type to leave, and if he does, he always seems to come back. He's flexible… that had to fall under the sex god bit, but it seemed to be important enough to mention on it's own. He's unselfish enough to be free with the… Buffy had to pause here to scramble under the bed for Willow's copy of Masters and Johnson On Sex and Human Loving from her Women's Studies class… cunninglus.
Cons: He's vampire. Do you really want to get involved with another vampire?
Buffy rolled over and buried her head in the pillow in frustration. Yes, damn him; yes she wanted another vampire in more than just the biblical way. She wanted him to be there when she got home, she wanted to wake up with him and cuddle with him and vegetate and watch T.V with him. She wanted him to be her boyfriend and somehow that word just sounded so juvenile now. Sometimes she felt like she could rival Spike in age and sometimes she felt like a little girl.
What were her friends going to say? Well, a voice in her head chirped up cheerfully, technically they liked him before you did. Another, more vicious little voice piped up, how do you know he'd ever want to be with you?
Both of her sexual experiences had been pretty traumatic and they had left their mark. Both of her partners had implied that she wasn't worth a second time. Of course Angel had been Angelus but that didn't make it hurt any less. The truth was, neither of those times had been much fun for her at all. The first time had hurt too much to take any pleasure from, the second time all she could think about was trying to be normal.
Part of her thought that maybe she was one of those girls that just didn't like sex. But that had been before Spike and the window ledge peeping, and the afterward by herself in her room, and the yoga class, and the afterward by herself in her dorm room.
And how she felt right now.
She glanced over at the other bed and wondered how deeply Willow was sleeping.
* * *
Buffy had made a decision come morning. She had quizzed Willow and found out that Spike would be at the beach with Xander and Tara would be at home because Willow was meeting her there that afternoon.
She left the campus resolutely. If she was ever going to have any chance with Spike at all, she had to convince Tara that she was a safe bet on the dating field. She knew that Spike took most of his cues from Tara and he listened to the mild-mannered witch more than anyone. If he were at all interested in Buffy, Tara had the power to put him off permanently. And Buffy was pretty sure, if a few veiled looks had said anything the night before, that Tara didn't like her that much.
Buffy didn't blame her, Tara's first impression of her had been one of cold-hearted cruelty and Buffy had never made any effort to get to know Willow's new love interest at all.
Which was what today was all about. Buffy paused at the front door, she had never actually been inside the house and the memory of her last visit there made she flush red.
She took a deep breath and knocked firmly.
No answer. Buffy nearly sat down in disbelief; it had taken so much mental coaching to even get her here. Tara had to be home.
Then Buffy remembered Willow mentioning Tara and Spike were setting up an herb garden in the backyard. Buffy leap down from the porch and dashed around the side of the house.
* * *
Tara swept some more soil carefully around the tiny foxglove plant and beamed down at her new flowerbed. She turned to start working on the kitchen herbs when Buffy Summers came barreling around the house. Tara stared at her for a few seconds before greeting her, “Hi, Spike and Willow aren't here-“
“I know,” Buffy said quietly, sitting down and minding the box of seedlings, “I came to talk to you.”
Tara raised one eyebrow in an expression eerily reminiscent of Spike, “What can I help you with?”
Buffy was a little hurt that Tara was implying the only reason she would talk to her was because she wanted something. Then she remembered she did want something, Tara's approval, so she snapped her mouth shut again.
Buffy gently picked up what looked to be a rather ugly weed, “I know we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. I'm pretty sure actually that I may have stepped all over yours, and Spike's for that matter. I wanted to say that I'm sorry about that and I'd like for us to start over.”
Tara felt a bit appeased, she was always a sucker for apologies, Spike knew that well enough, “Give me the Woundwort and help me dig a new trench and we'll talk.”
Buffy eagerly slid forward, “O.K, I'm really sorry for what I said to Spike. I've already sort of apologized to him-“
“He told me.” Tara said quietly, taking the offered plant, “Which makes me wonder what you're after. Why the change of heart?”
Boy, Tara got right to the bones of the thing, didn't she? Buffy gulped and pressed onward. She hadn't even told Willow what she was about to reveal, “I-I really like Spike. I've been hanging around lately and we've been talking and I'd really like to be with him” She finished, her voice getting a bit weaker, she avoided Tara's eyes and focused on the dirt she was clearing away.
“Be with him how? Do you want to sleep with him and be done with it? Because if that's all you're after you need to tell him that. Don't let him develop feelings for you that you don't return.” Tara planted the Woundwort and moved on to the Vervain, her voice steady and resolute.
“That's not all I want! I definitely want to sleep with him-“ Buffy blushed hotly from that admission, “But I want more, I think I could have real feelings and if I don't… feel everything yet, I will.”
“You mean you might love him?” Tara asked bluntly.
“Yeah, it's not like it's hard to do.” Buffy handed Tara another weed, “I'm really not a bad person once you get to know me, I can love, you know.” Buffy was horrified to hear her own voice hitch, but it hurt to be thought of that way.
Tara sighed and continued more gently, “I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't love or that you couldn't love him. And yes, once you know him, it's very hard not to love him.” Tara smiled softly but grew more serious with her next words, “I mean, that if you can't be sure you'll love him, don't start anything, because once Spike starts to love you, he won't stop and I don't want him to hurt anymore. You don't have to love him now, these things take time, but you have to open to it. Willow told me you're looking for a normal, human boyfriend, what happened to that?”
Buffy smiled weakly, “Spike happened.”
Tara smiled and took the Witch Hazel from Buffy limp grasp, “Yeah, Spike happens to a lot of people.”
“Do you think he could have feelings for me?” Buffy asked, suddenly needing to know the answer.
Tara thought about it as she cleared some rocks away, Spike had bolted from the yoga class the night before and had given no explanation. Tara suspected it had something to do with Buffy but she wasn't sure. Spike often had momentary lapses where he needed to be out of a crowd in a hurry.
“He has mentioned you a lot lately. He likes you as a person for sure. I think with some quality time, feelings wouldn't be very far off if they aren't there already.” Tara smiled at her conspiratorially.
Buffy found herself wishing she had gotten to know Tara before, there was something very soothing about her and Buffy suddenly wanted very much to be her friend.
They spent the morning talking about Spike in the garden and later over blueberry tea. Buffy got a lot of useful tidbits and Spike facts that she knew would be useful in the near future. Buffy left the pretty little house feeling refreshed. Now she just had to give Spike some nudges in the right direction.
* * *
Spike was in turmoil, he managed to blank the whole situation out of his mind when he was surfing, but now that his feet were on dry land it was back with a vengeance.
If the Slayer had even an inkling of what had went on in that yoga class she would drive him out of town. He felt like a pervert, lusting after someone who had no interest in him whatsoever. He wasn't even close to her type if the poof, the new boyfriend, or the guy in the yoga class that had turned her on, were anything to go by.
He didn't have a prayer. He remembered the way her lip had curled at him in disgust at the Bronze that night. He remembered how she looked at him with barely contained loathing.
Sure she was willing to let him live on her Hellmouth, but letting him think things like that about her was another story. He pictured the scene over and over if she even found out. He thought about how she would repeat that he was beneath her and that he was repulsive and unworthy.
Xander kept asking him over and over what was wrong but Spike kept quiet. This wasn't the sort of thing you brought up to the friend of the Slayer. He knew how grossed out Xander would be if he knew. He wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.
Spike was starting to feel the same way. He wished fervently that he could trade places with anyone in the world right now, instead of having to be himself. He felt disgusting. He felt unworthy. And he felt beneath her.
* * *
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