Buffy was feeling a bit shaky herself all of a sudden. She grasped Spike's hand more firmly and led him over to the bench. Giles had leapt to his feet when he had seen the vampire and Buffy sat Spike down in his place.
She caressed his hand in her lap and asked quietly, “Spike, do you want to talk about it?”
Giles was still caught up in the shock of seeing a vampire standing in full sunlight, when he got over his initial fears and noticed that Spike was neither threatening anyone nor doing much of anything really, he started cleaning his glasses.
“It's all my fault.”
The admission was soft and came after a few minutes of total silence, both Buffy and Giles nearly jumped.
Buffy felt a terrible ache in her chest, he hurt so much and she wanted to make it better, “What? How can it possibly be you're fault? Xander said it was her ex-boyfriend and he's in jail for it.”
“I knew. She told me about how he was. She said it was all right, that he was gone, so I didn't do anything. But I knew. I knew and I didn't do anything.” There were tears on his face and Buffy felt her own breath hitch.
Giles was absolutely beside himself. He was witnessing something absolutely unheard of. A soulless demon was sitting in front of him displaying emotions that should be impossible for such a creature. Remorse and grief were human responses to events; Spike should not be capable of such things.
Buffy fought the urge to hug him, she didn't want to startle or confuse him anymore than he already was, “Spike, it's not your place to take care of things like that. He's human and you couldn't have known what he was going to do-“
Spike pulled away suddenly and stood up, Giles tensed waiting for an attack but the vampire didn't even seem to know he was there.
“I can't be here. I'm sorry, I have to go.” And Spike bolted. Vampires, though not quite a match in strength for the Slayer, are much faster, and Spike was no exception. He was there one moment and then he was gone.
Buffy called after him but he never looked back. She wrung her hands and a few moments later, Tara, Willow and Xander showed up.
Tara was wiping tears away, “Where is he? What happened?”
Buffy looked back at her feeling worse than she had in a very long time.
* * *
This was indubitably one of the strangest experiences Giles had ever had in his career as a Watcher. They were combing the Hellmouth, looking for a master vampire, not for the purposes of staking him. Oh, no. They were worried about him.
Fearing he might do something rash, Xander and Anya staked out the police station where the ex-boyfriend was being held, but there was no sign of Spike there.
He was paired up with Willow searching local haunts to no avail. Spike had not been seen at the Bronze, or Willie's, or any of the other demon bars that Tara knew about. Giles did make a note about their addresses for future reference, however.
Spike was not at Joyce's, or he and Tara's house, or the dorm, or Xander's basement flat in his parent's place. Frankly they were running out of options and had only succeeded in worrying Joyce a great deal, Joyce who also had great affection for Spike.
Giles was beginning to suspect the world had turned itself upside down when he had been drunk yesterday and had yet to right itself.
* * *
Tara and Buffy were searching the twelve graveyards within the city limits. They hunted in silence, only speaking to call out Spike's name in the vain hope that he would answer.
Both were lost in thought and worry. Buffy was wondering if Tara blamed her for not watching Spike as she had promised Xander she would do. Tara was hoping Spike hadn't been desperate enough to leave Sunnydale and how she would ever find him if he did.
But deep down, she knew he would never really leave her. He had promised, after all. And Spike always kept his promises.
When they spotted more of the suspicious soldiers wandering around Restfield Cemetery, Buffy's Slayer-senses went wild. They were looking for something, sniffing about like a pack of rabid dogs on the scent of something wounded.
Buffy was not going to let them get it. Her senses screamed 'vampire' and she knew it was Spike. She and Tara walked boldly up to them, “What are you doing here?”
One tall soldier came forward but he was masked like the others so Buffy couldn't see his face, “Nothing that concerns you, civilian. We're conducting classified training procedures.”
“Yeah, well your 'training procedures' are stomping all over my Aunt Bessie's grave. How dare you have such disrespect for the dead.”
At that, the soldiers had the decency to look embarrassed, they muttered something that sounded like an apology and moved on. Buffy waited until they were out of sight before she and Tara raced to the crypt just left of Bessie Underhill's grave. Buffy thanked her lucky stars she had memorized so many graves in her hundreds of nights patrolling/
She'd never thought that it would actually come in handy.
The door to the crypt was partly ajar. They peered in and made out a slumped blonde figure in the ground towards the back. Tara bit her lip and turned to Buffy, “I'll go in and see if I can convince him to come home.”
Buffy felt an ache in her chest again; she wanted to be the one to comfort Spike. Yeah, because you did such a great job last time he was missing for ten hours, her mind taunted.
Buffy pressed in closer so she could at least make out what was being said.
Tara had crouched down onto the floor in front of Spike, “Please come home. I miss you and you're really scaring me now.”
“I belong here, with all the other dead things.You shouldn't be here, love, you'll get your pretty dress dirty.” His voice sounded so empty, Buffy felt a chill go through her.
“I don't care about my dress, I only care about you. Spike, I know you're hurting, but you have to believe me when I say this isn't your fault. If you had come to me and told me what Julia had told you, do you really think I would have set you on him?”
Spike looked up at her finally, “I should have done something. I should have kept her safe. I can't keep you all safe.”
“What do you mean?” Tara wiped away anxious tears.
“I love you and I love Willow and Xander and Anya and B-B-Buffy. And I can't watch you all the time. It's not like when it was just you and me. When I could just have you with me always and I knew that nothing bad could happen to you as long as I was there. I can't be with everyone all the time.”
Tara shook her head sadly, “But Spike, that's the price of loving more than one person. Heck, that's the price of loving period. But isn't it worth it? Isn't loving us and losing us better than never having anyone?” Tara reached out her hands, palms up and Spike blinked at her and placed his own in hers, palms down, “But something was wrong before all this happened, do you want to tell me now?”
“I'm falling in love with someone who will only ever see me as an animal.” He stated bluntly, face shuttering up again.
Tara sat down, Clueville population: 2, she thought wanting to gather him in her arms and never let him go, but before she could say anything he continued.
“It's the Slayer. She's all I bloody think about. I know it's stupid. I know I'm stupid. She's three steps away from hating my guts and I'm pushing my luck. I disgust her, you should have seen her that time at the Bronze, the way she looked at me, like I was a disease. Then she said I was beneath her.” His voice crack and Tara felt like sobbing all over again, before she could hug him, Buffy was there.
And Buffy was crying, “I'm sorry, I said I was sorry, I didn't mean it! I don't hate you! I don't! I never saw you as an animal and you're not a disease. I like you, too. I've been wanting to tell you but stuff just kept happening…”
Spike was staring at her completely awestruck he didn't even wipe away the residual tears running down his cheeks, so Buffy did it for him.
Tara hugged him from his other side and they all sat there on the dusty crypt floor absorbing the last few minutes. Then Tara stood up, pulling Spike and Buffy with her, “We're all going to go home now and we'll pull the mattresses off the beds and have a big sleepover on the floor. I think we could all use the company.”
She took Spike's left hand and Buffy shyly took his right and they walked out into the moonlight. Buffy looked up at the stars and thought that they shone a little brighter, just for them. Just for this moment.
After a few minutes of walking, Spike cautiously asked, “Er, you won't mention to Xander that I said I loved him, will you?”
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