That evening, Spike patrolled with Buffy and they ended up back at the house early. The town's demon population was deader than usual. Buffy suspected the soldiers were responsible and this annoyed her. A girl needed a good slay every once in a while. Not to mention how relaxed Spike got after a fight.
They sat out on the porch for a while before Angel came out and Buffy excused herself quietly to give them some time alone. Angel had asked her for this that afternoon and she had agreed with a bit of trepidation.
Spike watched her enter through the kitchen with a trickle of apprehension. Then he realized he was being ridiculous. He could handle his own and she was only a few feet away. He shook his head at his own paranoia.
Angel sat down a comfortable distance away, “We need to talk.”
“No, Peaches. You need to talk. I'm living my unlife, as happy as a clam. You're the one with the issues.” Spike found himself unconsciously searching for a pack of smokes. There were none, as he was trying to kick the habit again.
“We both know that isn't true. You've got more issues then Time Magazine and I'm not responsible for all of them.”
Spike snorted and started picking at the chipping paint on the steps, “You certainly contributed your share.”
“Yeah, I did. I know you don't get the difference between the demon and the soul-“
“Don't give me that bullshit! You think just because I don't have a sodding soul I can tell the difference between you and him? As little as it is.”
“Little? Spike, I happen to think I'm pretty far removed-“
“Yeah, well that's what you think. I can feel you, you know. I felt you last night. If I ever catch you peeping on my girl again I'll shove a bloody Christmas tree through your chest.” Spike felt wood snap beneath his fingers.
Angel fell silent.
Stupid coward, Spike thought, can't even admit it when he's wrong.
“Did you tell her about that?” Angel asked quietly.
“No! Do you think I want her squirming around you all uncomfortable and embarrassed and refusing to do anything with me because you're there? If she didn't just stake you instead… On second thought, maybe I should tell her-“
“No! Look, sometimes I have trouble controlling the demon-“ Angel began.
“Will you listen to yourself? You ARE the bloody demon! And if I can control myself at one hundred and twenty-six you should be able to control yourself at two hundred and fifty-one.” Spike noticed he'd cut himself on a sharp splinter and absently stuck the bleeding wound into his mouth. He noticed Angel's eyes shine gold briefly at the smell of blood.
He turned around to face him completely and Angel's eyes had gone back to brown, “Your problem is that you try to control it too much.”
“Spike, if you had a soul you'd understand how difficult it was.”
“I don't have a soul, do you think it's easy for me? You can't hide behind the demon like it's some mental illness and then turn around and claim that because you have the soul you're better than others. Dru, now Dru had an excuse, she was looped to fuck. Another of yours by the way. Us, we're just weak. I've stopped. I'm not living for the kill anymore because it's been shown to me that there are better reasons. But you, you rope the demon in so tight it's going mad and you blame it like those evil 'the devil made me do it' bastards.” Spike licked the cut clean and wiped his fingers on his jeans.
“I'm sorry I hurt you.”
Spike looked up sharply to find genuine remorse in Angel's eyes.
“Part of it was me you're right. It will always be a part of me.” Angel started straight ahead, unable to meet Spike's eyes, “I took everything I could from you. I stole any claims to innocence you had. I tortured you trying to make you as twisted as I was. I raped you because you're beautiful and you were even more beautiful to me when you were bleeding. I raped you because I wanted you but Angelus- But I never asked for anything, I just took it. I tried to keep Drusilla away from you not because I wanted her but because you loved her and it hurt you even more. I was selfish, I was barbaric and there is absolutely no excuse for what I did. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I keep asking for it anyway.”
“ I don't think I can forgive you.” Spike stated quietly.
Angel released a painful breath. A sharp ache started in his gut, one more family member completely lost to him.
“But I think, after a while, I could move beyond it anyway. I can't hold on to this forever. Whenever I see you or even think about you it just eats away at me, how angry I am and how- Tara said that you don't forgive somebody for their sake, you do it for your own. I guess she's right.” Spike started picking at a scuffmark on one of his Docs.
Angel stared at Spike in awe but the younger vampire didn't look up.
“I guess maybe we could try to work together sometime. I think Buffy would like it. She still cares about you. Why, I'll never know.” Spike smirked up at his grandsire.
“Spike I- I can't believe you're willing to try this!”
Spike rolled his eyes, “What can I say, Peaches, I've grown as a person.”
* * *
Angel was still in shock as he lay down in the bed, he stared at the ceiling, even too distracted to listen to the sounds of lovemaking for the next room. But was the breathy moans and loving muttering turned to actual conversation, he strained forward pressing his ear against the wall.
He told himself he wanted to know Buffy's reaction to Spike's decision.
* * *
“Was it always rape? I mean, every time he touched you, did it hurt?” Buffy asked quietly, hugging him tight.
Spike sighed, “It's more complicated then that pet. Yeah, the first decade or so, it pretty much was. And it was actually even worse two years ago when I was in the chair.” He felt Buffy stiffen next to him, “Now none of that, pet. It wasn't your fault. You were just doing your job. I deserved what I got.”
“You didn't deserve what he did to you! No one deserves that. And I let him out.” Buffy buried her face in Spike's neck.
“As if you knew that was what was going to happen. Anyway, towards the end, the last five years or so, I was almost in love with the bastard. That's why it hurt so much when he just up and left. He only went to Darla after the soul, not to Dru and me. If he'd come to us we'd have gone with him. We'd have fed him from our own throats if that's what it took.”
* * *
Next-door Angel felt his chest seize. Spike's words were strangely touching and bittersweet. He felt the guilt from the mention of rape, but the sharp joy at his admission of love.
* * *
“Liam and I-“
“Uh, who's Liam?” Buffy asked suddenly.
Spike stared down at her, stunned, “That's his real name, pet.”
“Oh, my God! I went out with him for like two years and I didn't even know his real name?”
“Well, it wasn't really his name anymore. He took on the Angelus moniker as soon as he was turned.” Spike placated.
“Well yeah, but even I know your real name is William and you were my enemy for the longest time. Anyway, go on.”
Spike began again, “Liam and I had a weird relationship. I had everything to prove because Dru was so fixated on him. He was obsessed with making me more of a vampire. He always said I had too much humanity in me to make a decent vampire. It always made me wonder why he never did stake me. He threatened to often enough.”
“Maybe he was a bit in love with you too.” Buffy suggested.
Spike snorted, “ I doubt that, love, even that blue Judge bloke said there was none of that in him. No, I think he was a bit obsessed with me, like me was with Dru. Only he never managed to break me completely like he did with her and I think that just pissed him off. Either way, he hurt me and made me love him for it by the end. What does that say about me?” Spike finished with a laugh that had no humor in it.
“It's sounds a bit like Stockholm Syndrome, if you ask me.” Buffy offered.
“No, Stockholm doesn't last a century.”
* * *
Angel nearly fell out of the bed because Spike just implied that he still had feeling for him! And they were loving feelings, not all hateful feelings.
At once a vicious burning pain laced through him. Oh no.
Oh, God, no.
Not now.
The bright flash of the soul leaving his body blinded him and his body slumped to the floor.
* * *
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