Chapter 16: Hope
“So, do you think it could work?” Buffy paced the deck excitedly, while Willow pondered her friend’s plan.
“In theory, I guess so. No reason why not.”
“Will, we know it works. You performed the exact spell yesterday on River.”
“But River was just one girl. You’re talking about a whole army of Slayers. Dozens of potentials transformed into fully fledged Slayers! Besides, it wouldn’t be the exact same spell, it would be exactly the reverse, taking the power out of the source and giving it to the girls. How are we to know that they won’t turn out crazy like River?”
“It’s a risk, I guess,” Buffy shrugged, “We don’t have much choice. Ok, what was done to River was wrong, but it was done for the wrong reasons. They only wanted to make her into their assassin.”
“Whereas you want to make these girls into your army. To fight, and probably to die.”
The two girls looked round, shocked. They hadn’t noticed Shepherd Book observing them in the doorway.
“Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to eavesdrop?” Buffy asked.
“Didn’t yours ever teach you to close doors?” he returned, unfazed.
“It’s a totally different situation,” Buffy said, crossing her arms over her chest as she defended her idea. “We’re not making an army of Slayers for fun. We’re talking about saving the world!”
“Which means normal ethical considerations don’t apply?”
Buffy didn’t answer. She knew where this was leading. To the questions that had been plaguing her for months now. What was it ok to do in the cause of saving the world? Who was it ok to sacrifice? And what gave her the right to decide?
She half expected Willow to agree with the preacher, but to her surprise, her friend leapt to her defence.
“If you knew what Buffy has done to save the world, you wouldn’t say that! She killed Angel! She died herself – twice!”
Buffy smiled gratefully at her friend.
“Admirable,” Book allowed, with a nod of his head. “I just hope you remember that noble as self-sacrifice is, it is the one decision you won’t have to live with.”
Implied, of course, was that the sacrificing of others was a decision she would have to live with.
Book exited the room without further comment, leaving Buffy stewing in her own doubts and insecurities. She felt trapped between a rock and a hard place, Book’s warnings about living with the decisions she made in one ear, Giles’ anger at her refusal to sacrifice Spike for the ‘cause’ in the other.
The words Dawn had spoken when they had first opened the box, later repeated by the dream Slayer came back to her, and she was left with a very uneasy feeling as she said her goodbyes to Willow and walked away.
*
Buffy rolled her eyes when she met Inara on the passageway. *I am so not in the mood for her* she thought to herself.
“Buffy,” Inara greeted her politely.
“Inara,” Buffy responded, shortly. “How’s Spike?” She kicked herself for saying it, but she wanted to know. Had to know. Inara frowned.
“Why don’t you go and see for yourself?” she asked.
“Why, is he not paying you enough to take care of him?” Buffy retorted spitefully. To their mutual shock, Inara reached out a hand and slapped Buffy across the face. Anger at the assault faded away to be replaced by guilt and remorse, as Buffy realised that her comments were out of line, driven by jealousy.
“I’m sorry,” she said, surprising them both once again. “I shouldn’t have said…I know you care about him.”
“I do,” Inara said. Buffy remembered Inara’s ready agreement to help her rescue Spike from Blue Sun. Of course she cared about him.
“Of course you do,” Buffy said sadly. How could anyone not? She wondered, wilfully disregarding the memory of years of denial, meanness and violence that had characterised her treatment of him.
“Why don’t you go and see him?” Inara suggested, gently, her anger towards the blonde girl softening as she observed the sadness in her eyes.
“I don’t…I can’t…” Buffy stammered, and Inara lost her patience again.
“For goodness sake, Buffy! It’s obvious that you care about him; why else would you practically hijack my shuttle, risking everything, to go and rescue him? Ever since we’ve been back on board Serenity, though, you’ve hardly been near him! Is it too much to drop by and offer a bit of comfort?”
“You think I don’t want to?” Buffy demanded, “You think a second of the day goes by when I don’t think of him, want to be with him? I want nothing more than to be with him, to be able to comfort him, but he already has you for that and I…I can’t stand it!”
“Buffy,” Inara began hesitantly, “You…you know Spike and I are just…friends, right?”
“You’re…what?”
“I like him, I really do,” Inara went on, “I felt sorry for him, for his unrequited passion for you. I know what that feels like, believe me. But that’s all. We aren’t lovers.” She paused. “Is that that what you thought? Is that why…?”
“But…but I saw you. Him,” Buffy stammered, “Coming out of your shuttle, half dressed…”
“He came to talk,” Inara told her, “I offered him…comfort. Solace. He didn’t take it. But honestly, Buffy, could you blame him if he had? And do you really thing it would have changed anything? He loves you Buffy. With his whole being. That kind of love doesn’t change overnight.”
Buffy was speechless. He still loved her. He and Inara had never been together. He loved her.
“That kind of love doesn’t change overnight.” Inara’s words echoed in her head and it wasn’t until then that Buffy realised that she had half been expecting it to. That, without realising it, she was still carrying around the fear prompted by Angel’s sudden transformation all those years ago. But Spike wasn’t Angel. And his love wasn’t going to alter.
“I’ve been so stupid,” Buffy said, “I don’t deserve him.”
“That’s probably true,” Inara agreed coolly. “Do you love him?”
The question startled her, but she had no hesitation in answering.
“Yes. I love him…more than…” she broke off, choked with emotion.
“Then I suggest you go to him,” Inara said, rolling her eyes, and walked past.
“Wait!” Buffy called after her. Inara stopped and turned. “You might…you might want to take your own advice,” Buffy said, sheepishly.
“What do you mean?” Inara’s usually serene brow creased into a frown.
“Well…you were talking about Spike being in love, and you said you knew how it felt…If I’m right and it’s …Well, I sat with Mal last night, and he called out for you. More than once.” She left it there, the mixture of emotions flickering across the courtesan’s features confirming her guess that there was something between her and the captain. But by the time Inara found her voice again, Buffy was gone.
*
By the time Buffy reached Spike’s cabin, she was smiling. She couldn’t help it. Not that she wasn’t nervous, of course, she was terrified. But the misery that had enveloped her ever since River had prompted her to recognise her true feelings for Spike, ever since she had seen him coming out of Inara’s shuttle and assumed the worst, was gone. What was it Dawn used to say? ‘Assume and make u an ass out of me’, or something. Oddly fitting. Once again, it was her own issues and insecurities that stood in her way. She was loved. She loved. And this time, it would be right.
The smile faded from her face, however, as she saw the anguished look on Willow’s face and the grave look on Simon’s as they stood in conference in the passageway outside Spike’s cabin.
“What are you guys doing here?” she asked, bewildered.
“Oh, Buffy,” Willow sobbed and turned away.
“Buffy, it’s Spike,” Simon said gravely.
“What?” her heartbeat started to gallop in panic.
“He’s dying.”
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