Bright Are The Stars That Shine
She felt she had stepped through a painting. Retracted and lost herself in a forgotten memory, and was rewriting the end to solve the emptiness that had been accumulating over the past few months, threatening to consume her entirely. Spike was on his knees before her, his thumbs hooked under her panties and dragging the damp fabric down her legs.
“You don’ mind goin’ commando, do you?” he asked her huskily, nuzzling her through her skirt.
“Haven’t before,” she replied.
“’S jus’ that your panties are all…sodden.” Spike released a deep breath and ducked his head under her skirt again, his tongue trailing a long, wet path up her slit. “God, you taste so good.”
A long shudder ran through her body. “Sp-Spike…”
“Mmm.” He pulled away with a moan of complaint and rose to his feet. “Yeh.”
“Oh God.”
“Sorry, sweetheart. Got carried away.” He brushed a tender kiss across her lips. “You jus’ smell so bloody divine.”
“You’re a tease.”
“Yeh, well…’f I start again, I won’t be able to stop.”
She collapsed against him, grumbling her protest when he straightened her skirt. “See, I don’t see why that’s a bad thing.”
“Me, either, pet,” he replied with a smile, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Jus’ don’t fancy takin’ you against a wall…again. If I’d known it was real before…well no, I jus’ needed you.”
“In past tense?”
He shot her a skeptical look. “Yeh. I’m all cured.”
Buffy licked her lips and shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said, wrapping her arms around her middle to hide how badly she was trembling. “I’m just…this is…I have no idea how to even begin to react to what’s happened here. The last time I saw you…”
Spike’s features softened and he stepped forward, taking her into his embrace once more. “I know, pet,” he murmured. “You think it was easy for me? You took my hand an’ your eyes…I saw you…I din’t wanna think about it. What I saw. What I was leavin’ behind.” A sigh shuddered through him. “Maybe that’s why I…you told me, an’ it was wonderful, but I din’t wanna believe it.”
“Because…”
“If I believed it, I don’ know if I would’ve been strong enough to do what I did. Soul an’ all.”
She sighed again and cast her eyes to the ground. “Even if you didn’t…believe me, that is…I wouldn’t have blamed you. I waited so long. I wanted to tell you that night in the house, when you came after me.”
A small smile crossed his face.
“I wanted to tell you then. And then after I got the axe thing and you called me shirty. I was trying to tell you, especially after you asked if I was there with you and I said I was.” She shook her head. “I didn’t, though.”
Spike was quiet for a long minute. “Why not?”
“Because I thought it’d jinx everything.”
“Jinx…?”
“I thought if I told you I loved you, the Powers would take you away from me. Like everyone else…only more so.” A pause. “That’s also…why I kissed Angel.”
His eyes darkened. “I’d nearly forgotten about that.”
“Oh.” A shrill note caught her voice. “Damn.”
“Nearly. You have any idea what seein’ that felt like?”
“Yes.” Buffy met his incredulous eyes and shuddered again. “I felt it, too. I loved you, and I kissed him to…I dunno. My life has just been completely screwed over since I…well, you know. But I can’t keep using that as an excuse. Throughout that year that we were…you kept me from completely falling apart, and I treated you so badly. Then the thing happened, and you left, and I was terrified you were gone for good.”
Spike heaved out a breath and cast a hand through his hair. “After that, I don’ bloody deserve—”
“No. Stop. I told this guy…this vampire guy before I staked him, right as things were getting crazy, that I behaved like a monster with you. And I did. I was terrible. What happened…what you did…I’m not saying it was my fault—”
His eyes widened. “You bloody well better not be!” he growled. “Buffy, I nearly—”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“That’s bollocks. That’s absolute rubbish. Of course it was my fault. I was the one who was there, right? There’s no one else. I pushed you to the sodding ground an’ I…” A long tremor ran through his body, and he wiped errantly at his eyes before reactionary tears could spill down his cheeks. “You can’t be one of those girls who lets men hurt her an’ then defends them by sayin’ it’s all right, ‘cause I love you.”
“I’m not.”
“Funny.”
“No, it’s not. I treated you terribly. What you did to me was not nearly as bad as what I did to you. It just gets messed up in the logic that men hurting women is worse than women hurting men. I hurt you for months, and you were my crutch. And whatever you did was only because that’s what I drove you to.”
He was still shaking his head, but the fire had abandoned his eyes. “No.”
“Spike—”
“I’m not gonna let you believe that—”
Her eyes flashed. “Can you honestly tell me that you would’ve tried to do that under different circumstances? That if we had never slept together, if I had never hurt you, if everything that happened that year had gone differently, you would’ve tried to rape me?”
The word was there. That terrible word. Spike shuddered violently and choked a sob, his eyes falling to the grass.
“Don’t do that,” Buffy said softly, stepping forward, taking him into her arms. “I’m sorry. I never meant to…there were so many things I thought I’d have forever to tell you. That I thought I could work up to. That we were on the way to…rediscovering, I guess. No, rebuilding. Rebuilding’s a better word.”
He laughed slightly against her, forced and harsh. “It was both,” he whispered, pressing his lips to her shoulder. “We were doin’ both.”
“Yeah.”
“Buffy—”
“My point is, despite the vampire thing…despite everything…I’d convinced myself that your lack of a pulse also meant lack of…you loved me. I didn’t want love, so I hurt you. And I didn’t care. It was killing me that I hurt you, that you could love and I couldn’t, and I was terrible to you.” She pulled back slightly and cupped his face. “What happened in the bathroom was just as much my fault as it was yours.”
“I still say you’re daft. Women are never—”
“Spike, regardless of all else, you’re not the type of guy to hurt the woman you love to be malicious.”
Another piercing laugh tore through his throat. “You obviously haven’t talked to Dru recently.”
“To be malicious,” she said again. “I was there, too. The look in your eyes after you…you didn’t see that. And I sat on the floor for a while after you left, hating you but also hating myself for forcing you to that.”
“Buffy, please.”
“And you got a soul. You got a soul for me.” She shook her head once more. “There are so many things I never told you.”
He exhaled slowly. “What things?”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “And I forgive you.”
His face began to crumble at that.
“And thank you.”
“Thank you?”
“For being there for me…that year.”
“I wasn’ a peach, luv. You can’t convince yourself that you were the devil an’ I was the saint. That’s not the way it works. There were a number of things that the soul helped me see, but I wasn’ good to you, either.”
“What you did was reactionary to what I did.”
“How long did it take to convince yourself of that bollocks?”
“Two minutes.” She smiled at the look of astonishment that crossed his face. “The rest was swallowing my pride so that I could tell you. And it took a long time. From that first night when you were back, and I hated you so much for being there…almost as much as I hated you for leaving. And then you blew my mind away with the soul…and the rest was me getting to the point where I could tell you. So I told pretty much everyone but you. I told Mr. Vamp, who it turns out you sired, and I told Willow…only she didn’t let me know that I had until after we were in Europe.”
“You told Red?”
“Freudian slip that she never called me on.” A shy smile crossed her lips. “Apparently, when I was trying to go out with Robin, I told her that I wasn’t still in love with you.”
His eyes widened. “Implyin’ that…”
“Yeah.”
“God, Buffy…”
“Only I was wrong. I was.” She buried her face in his chest and shuddered. “I still am.”
His arms tightened around her, his body quivering terribly. “Fuck, pet, I love you so much.”
“Love you.”
Spike pressed an ardent kiss to her forehead.
“And I knew I loved you as things were beginning to get bad,” she continued. “And that’s why I…with Angel…when he showed up. I didn’t want to jinx anything with you. I didn’t want to love you and have you leave me. And yeah, in retrospect, not the brightest game plan, but I’m kinda dense.”
He rumbled a long chuckle against her.
“I fed him some crap about being cookie dough to get him the hell out of town, and I went home to you and…”
“Told me it was a hello.”
“I was covering.”
“Yeh.” He brushed another kiss against her skin. “To think, the ponce was so bleedin’ righteous.”
“Yeah,” she agreed. Then paused. “Wait…what?”
“’S where I was.”
“Where…what?”
Spike shivered and pulled away, just slightly. “The amulet that Angel brought to SunnyD was shipped back to him with yours truly locked inside. He opened me up an’ presto—reverse martyrdom.”
“When?”
“Few weeks ago.”
Her eyes flashed. “And you didn’t—”
“What? Think about you? Talk about you? Demand to know where you were, an’ if you were okay? Spend every wakin’ minute conjurin’ up the many ways I was gonna hunt you down, take you somewhere, an’ shag you senseless when I saw you again?” He shook his head. “I was a ghost, pet.”
“A…is that possible?”
“Apparently.”
“But—”
“Jus’ as I got pulled here, Angel’d got somethin’ in the mail that made me very corporeal. Opened it, felt my skin come back, then I was here.”
“Angel…”
“Yeh.”
“And he didn’t…” Fire fueled her eyes. “He didn’t call me? Tell me that you were there? I can’t…” It didn’t take long; soon her whole body was wracked with outrage. “That selfish, smug, hair-stick-uppy asshole!”
Spike broke down at that, his head collapsing against her shoulder as long chuckles coursed through his body.
“Hey!”
“God, I love you.”
“Well, I love you, too, but we’re not talking about that right now.”
He glanced up to her, eyes shining with mirth. “Wanker had all but convinced me that leavin’ you alone was the sort’ve thing a bloke who loves you would do.”
“Well, of course. Angel’s philosophy is to love ‘em and leave ‘em.”
“Guess those nancy-boy hair fumes get to you after a while. I jus’…he made me feel like…”
“Any decision that wasn’t pre-Angel approved was automatically the wrong one?”
Spike eyed her dully. “Yeh, but I’d lived with the git before. Thought I was beyond that ‘lettin’ him influence my behavior’ thing.”
“Join the club, honey.”
“I should’ve read into—”
Buffy pressed her lips to his, and in seconds, they were drowning in the fire of each other’s kisses. She felt him hard against her, his erection pressing into her aching wetness. Whatever was in the past didn’t matter anymore. She had him now. Through some random twist of fate, she had him. Spike was hers again. And this time, she wasn’t going to let pride or apocalypses or the disapproval of her friends ruin the one stability in her life. Spike loved her, and she loved him more than anything. More than she thought she was capable of loving.
These months without him had nearly destroyed her. Scorned her with what they had, mocked her for everything she had never told him, and haunted her dreams with the future she thought was lost with her carelessness and her delayed revelations.
It didn’t matter now. Nothing did.
She had Spike. She wouldn’t let anything take him away again.
“Mmm,” he murmured against her, pulling away reluctantly. “As much as I’d love to…well…” He smiled when she blushed. “God, I din’t think you could do that anymore.”
“What?”
“Get all cute an’ flustered when I mention what I wanna do to you.”
Her blush deepened. “It’s different now.”
“Different?”
“There’s nothing…I love you, you love me…there’s nothing blocking…it’s just…” Her skin was on fire, most from arousal, a little from embarrassment, and she collapsed against his shoulder. “It just feels new.”
“New?”
“Yeah.”
He laughed and pressed a kiss against the claim mark on her throat. “One would reckon you’d never been in love before.”
“When I was in love before, I was young and stupid and overwhelmed…and used, really.” She pulled away from him halfheartedly, their fingers entwining as they began walking together through the night. “It’s different now.”
“Good different?”
“The best different. I love you more than I’ve ever…” She blushed harder at the look of astonishment that overwhelmed his eyes. “I’m a grown up now. I was a girl before. I was young and…well, what I felt for Angel was big and messy and confusing and I’d never felt anything like it before…and really, I don’t want to ever again. He’s not perfect by any means, but I always treated him like he could do no wrong. That was stupid.”
“I’ll say.”
“No one is flawless. What I have with you is real. I understand what I feel for you, and I don’t fear it anymore.” She smiled softly and brushed another kiss across his lips. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, baby. So bloody much.”
“And now we should figure out where we are.”
“Thought that was bloody obvious.” He sniffed the air suspiciously. “There’s no way to fake that Sunnyhell scent.”
“I meant…where…we’ve gone…”
“Backwards?”
She nodded. “Uh huh.”
“Well.” Spike’s eyes narrowed and he nodded to a nearby park bench where a vaguely familiar man-shaped dark-haired college kid was macking on some brunette. “Think that might answer your question.”
She squinted. “Who is that?”
“You don’ remember?”
“He looks familiar.”
Spike’s brows arched. “Luv, that’s the bloke that—”
“Oh my God.” She stopped in her tracks. “Parker!”
At the sound of his name, the boy leapt to his feet, a guilty look flashing across his face. “Oh, Buffy!” he said, eyes widening. “You didn’t, uh, come back, and I thought—”
“Good God.”
“I know what this looks like, but…” He stopped when he noticed Spike beside her, his eyes dropping to their clasped hands. And amazingly, the guilt vanished for indignation. “Hey! What the hell?”
“What the huh?” Buffy glanced to her lover, who was torn between amusement and outrage. “I can’t believe you remembered what he looked like and I didn’t.”
“A century or so, luv, an’ you learn to remember faces.”
“Buffy, I thought we were on a date.”
The girl he had been smooching sat back with a lazy roll of her eyes. “So, this is the freshman conquest?”
Spike’s eyes widened dangerously at that, and he snarled. “Tell your bird to watch it,” he said lowly. “No one talks to my girl that way.”
“Your girl?” Parker retorted in disbelief. “She came here with me!”
Buffy rebuked in surprise. “What? Since when?” She turned to the man at her side again. “Is it possible we ended up in a parallel universe?”
“’S possible, but I don’ think that’s what happened.”
“Since tonight?” Parker continued, gesturing to the vampire disdainfully. “You ran off after he and this bimbo showed up, and you didn’t come back, so I—”
“Holy crap!” She twisted away from her lover, eyes wide. “We’re here? We’re back…oh my God!”
“Buffy?”
“No.” She held up a hand, shooting a glare at Parker. “Shut up, go bang your non-freshman hoe-bag. If you think I’d let you touch me the second time around, especially after all the fun we had during round one, you’re outta your mind.”
“Yeah. I’m the one that’s out of my mind.”
Spike’s eyes darkened. “You’re lucky I’m all souled up,” he snarled. “Else you’d already be a memory.”
“What the hell?”
But Buffy was not interested in listening to him. Parker was an ass and obviously not worth remembering, and her mind was too compact with things that actually mattered to waste more time justifying herself to him. Before Spike could leap in and give her old one-night-stand the talking to he so richly deserved, she tugged at his hand and coaxed him away, ignoring Parker’s calls after her. Especially ignoring the choice word he decided to brand her character with, even as her boyfriend snarled and vamped and gave her a look that read a burning need to rip the bastard’s arms off with which to beat him to death.
She bubbled with unexpected happiness as reality snapped into place.
Spike was with her. Spike was her boyfriend.
“You’re my boyfriend,” she said.
The vampire’s eyes widened and he broke off from where he had been muttering a litany of indecorous Parker-related adjectives under his breath. “What?”
“You’re my boyfriend.”
His eyes brightened even as he shot her a look that clearly questioned her sanity. “’m more than that,” he retorted. “’m your mate.”
“Actually, I have yet to claim you back.”
“We’re rectifyin’ that as soon as we get to a bed.” He smiled at her, though, and brushed a kiss across her forehead. “But yeh, pet. I’m your boyfriend.”
“I’m just trying to get used to it. ‘Hi, this is Spike, my boyfriend.’ ‘Have you met my boyfriend, Spike?’ ‘I’m Buffy, girlfriend of Spike.’”
“You’re bloody adorable, is what you are.”
“When did the Parker thing happen?”
His eyes twinkled teasingly. “Jus’ a second ago.”
“I mean—”
“Round the time I got the Gem of Amara.” His brows perked. “Don’ tell me you’ve forgotten the dimpled knees comment.” A pause. “Or, wait, yeh. You’ve forgotten that, right?”
Buffy squeezed his hand. “No, but I forgive you.”
His eyes grew misty again at the mention of the word, and he nodded. “We’ve been planted down right around the time that I got the gem…an’ you took it away.”
Her gaze widened. “You remember where it is?”
“Yeh.”
“We gotta find it.”
“So you can take it away again.”
“Of course not, you…” She shook her head when she registered the tease in his gaze. “Ass.”
“Yes.”
“I love you.”
“You love asses, huh?”
“Just yours.” As if to confirm her affection for his derriere, she slid her hand down his backside and pinched him through his jeans, encouraging a shrill yelp through his lips. “And, well, I tend to vote for them.”
Spike smirked. “Touché, Slayer.”
“We need to get the Gem of Amara.”
“An’ not send it to Peaches.”
“No. I’m going to staple it to your hand.” She snuggled into his side. “Not taking another chance with you.”
“You, either, pet.” His eyes darkened. “You gotta let me kill Ben.”
“Ben?”
“The doc. Glory. One in the same, remember? Rupert killed him in round one…’f you think I’m going through your dyin’ again, you can bloody well forget it.” He tugged her close. “Even ‘f it means breakin’ the Fifth Commandment, you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Now, Buffy, I…” He paused. “Oh.”
“See, sometimes you have to stop and listen to me.”
“You’re really—”
“I don’t wanna talk about it now.” She turned her eyes to the ground, but continued on anyway. “I told Giles that if I had to kill Dawn to save the world, I would. I don’t think I could, but I said it to make a point. I’ve learned…it was hard, but I’ve learned that self-sacrifice is…one life against the weight of so many. Plus…” Her eyes hardened. “He betrayed my sister. He let Glory talk him into…he’s the reason I had to jump. You’re not the only one who can’t go through that again, Spike. You really think Willow would not raise me again?”
“Buffy—”
“Do you?”
There was a long pause. “No. ‘F all goes as it was, Red’s ego was enough to conquer a small country by the time she got to wieldin’ that sort’ve magic.”
“Yeah.”
They stopped walking at the edge of campus. Spike turned to her fully, his eyes absorbing her completely. “I keep expectin’ to wake up still,” he murmured. “This jus’…it doesn’ feel real.”
“No.”
“I can’t…” He shook his head. “’F this is a dream, I don’…”
“It’s not a dream, Spike.”
“You can promise that if I ever do anythin’ to mess this up, you’ll stake me, right?”
“I don’t think you can do anything to…we’ve already done the things people do to mess it up. We’ve already gotten past it.”
Spike smiled and drew her close, whispering small kisses against her lips. “I love you,” he murmured. “So bloody much.”
“I love you, too.”
“Am never gonna get tired of hearin’ that.”
“You say that now…”
“Seriously, luv. I can’t…” He drew himself away steadily and slid his hands into his duster pockets. “When I claim you again an’ you claim me back, I…” A frown fell over his face and he glanced down, drawing his hand out of his pocket again. “What the…”
“What?”
He held up his palm. Sitting in his hand was a small, spherical gem, green in color and cut from a stone that she had never seen before. It would have been unremarkable were it not for the strange look that washed over her boyfriend’s face. A distant shimmer of recognition buried with doubt. As though he knew what it was without having seen it before.
“What is it?”
“I don’t…” He glanced to her, then took her hand and placed the gem in her grasp. “I think it’s—”
That was all it took. Warmed from one hand to another, the small jewel burst into a glorious detonation and jumped from her skin, landing on the pavement before them.
And in a second, the image of Anya burst through the green. Like something out of a science fiction film. Something that grasped Buffy harshly for the realization that the night was getting a little too strange to accredit to reality, and she began to panic that she had dreamt it up all over again.
The mark on her throat burned, and Spike squeezed her hand tightly.
“Tell me again I’m not dreamin’,” he whispered furiously. “Please.”
“You first.” Her eyes glossed with tears. “Oh Anya.”
“What—”
“She died. In the final battle, she died. And Xander about died with her.”
A somber look crossed the vampire’s face, and he squeezed her hand again.
The image of Anya turned and looked in their direction, but didn’t make eye contact with either one of them.
“Buffy,” she said. “Well, first, hi. Second, if you’re getting this, it means I decided to grant you your wish.”
“My wish?”
“You probably don’t remember the wish,” Anya continued matter-of-factly. “It wasn’t an actual wish, but it contained the words ‘I wish’ so I have decided to deem it valid. I’ve recorded a memory of myself into a Hysl’ik gem.” She turned in the direction she had supposed Spike would be standing, which was aimed in actuality at the wooded park behind them. “I’m sure you’ve heard of those.”
“Yeh,” the vampire drawled. “I jus’ din’t think they existed.”
“Yes,” the image continued, as though anticipating the observation. “They do exist. And we sold them as mood rings at the Magic Box for $3.95.”
The vampire’s eyes flared. “You sold Hysl’ik gems for—”
“What the hell is a Hysl’ik gem?”
“I would like to take this moment to state that yelling at an imprinted memory of myself has little effect, as if you’re viewing this recording, my timeline no longer exists.” Anya turned back in the direction she had been looking when speaking to Buffy. “Your wish was simple, and took place roughly seventy-two hours after Spike returned to Sunnydale with his soul. I wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget.” She reached into her back pocket. “You stated, ‘I wish the next time I have a chance to be happy, I know enough to take it and not screw it up by being, well, me.’ Truthfully, you made the statement to Willow after we determined that she was making herself invisible to you, Dawn, and Xander, and I don’t think I was supposed to hear it, but I am a vengeance demon, and it is what I do.”
“Your wish?” Spike murmured.
“I…”
“You will notice that I have taken some creative license in granting your wish,” Anya continued. “Instead of allowing our lives to continue in the miserable sham we are currently entertaining, I have decided to send you back to the point where Spike reentered your life, pre-chip, with all your memories intact, and roughly around the time where Xander and I first copulated. In doing so, I will accept a payment of your gratitude by ensuring that the second time around, I will not be left in a wedding dress in the rain while my fiancé runs off because of a twisted hallucination.” She smiled and nodded, proud of herself. “I also found it redundant to grant your wish at the time it was issued, because it is currently ‘Beneath Us, Devouring’ and Spike is crazy in the school basement. My hope is that you two reach an understanding that allows you to commence with your chance at happiness without screwing it up, therefore guaranteeing much happier orgasms in my reconstructed future.”
“An’ here I thought her selfishness would never pay off,” the vampire drawled.
“Hey, you complaining?” Buffy replied.
“Not at all.”
“I consider this the end of our transaction,” Anya concluded. “The Hysl’ik gem will self-destruct within twenty-four hours of being activated. Thank you for your wish, enjoy your new timeline, and try not to mess everything up.”
She was gone as quickly as she had appeared, the green of the gem diffusing with the loss of her light.
Buffy’s eyes fixed on the small stone, and she squeezed Spike’s hand. “My God.”
“Yeh.”
She licked her lips and turned to him. “You…you know what this means?”
Spike smiled and brushed a tender kiss across her mouth. “Yeh.” He turned his gaze to the ground again, shaking his head. “She…bloody hell, I’ll be the best man at Harris’s weddin’ an’ everythin’ for what…”
“You still okay?”
He looked at her again. “God, Buffy, jus’ okay? I’m so much more than okay.” His arms came around her, and he whirled her around in delight. “You know what this means?”
She knew what it meant. Of course she knew.
She had just seen the proof.
Happiness unlike anything she had ever felt touched every nerve of her body. It was over-powering, almost too much, and she couldn’t help from breaking down. From releasing a long sob of pure bliss and launching herself further into Spike’s arms, burying her face in the crook of his throat.
“Shhh, sweetheart,” he cooed, stroking her hair softly, his arm winding around his waist. “’S all right.”
“God…”
“Yeh, I know.”
“I love you.” She shuddered. “I love you so much.”
“Love you,” he agreed.
“Don’t let me screw it up this time.”
She felt him smile, but he didn’t bother to point out that she had chastised him on this very point not ten minutes earlier. Instead, he nodded his agreement and kissed his claim mark.
“We won’ let it happen,” he replied. “Both of us.”
So here it was. Sunnydale, four years in reverse.
She was in Spike’s arms. And they had a new start. A new beginning.
The night settling in on a rebirth neither had ever imagined. There was still so much to discuss. So much to talk about. But she didn’t care about that now. Not right now.
Right now, she just wanted him to hold her.
The rest she would think about once the break of a new day settled over her new-fangled life.
Once she knew once and for all that she had not awoken in a dream.
To be continued in Part Three: The Sounds Of The Earth Are Like Music…
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