Him - Buffy Episode 7x6 'Him' (#128) Transcript

Buffy Episode #128: "Him" Transcript

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TEASER (RECAP SEGMENT):

GILES (V.O.)
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

1 INT. BASEMENT AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Spike is sitting on the floor with his back to a chain link fence that's separating one area from another. Buffy's wearing a black shirt and a scowl. Spike is still sitting huddled on the floor. Alone.

BUFFY
Spike, this is the hellmouth. You have a soul? Fine. Show me. Get out of this basement.

SPIKE
I don't have anywhere else to go.

Cut to:

2 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
D'Hoffryn is talking to Anya after reversing her vengeance act that resulted in a massacre.

D'HOFFRYN
There will always be vengeance demons. But now you, Anya, you're out.

Cut to:

3 EXT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Xander follows Anya outside the fraternity house after she was fired by D'Hoffryn and stripped of her powers.

XANDER
Whatever's between us—it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be alone in this.

ANYA
Yes, I should.

She walks away alone.

Fade to black.

End Recap.

The Start Of Episode

Prologue:

4 INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Xander's showing his apartment to his new roommate, seeming somewhat peeved.

XANDER
You're gonna live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet, but it's a room now. (Buffy and Dawn follow Xander into the apartment) You're not gonna touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning, and if I use up all the hot water, (show Spike standing at the doorway) that's your tough noogies. (to Buffy) And I hate this plan. (to Spike) Are you keeping up, or do you need some kind of English-to-ConstantPainInMyAss translation?

BUFFY
(leans forward to remind Xander) Invitation.

XANDER
(to Buffy) Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? Fine. (to Spike) I invite you in. (Spike enters) Nimrod. (stands in front of his closet)

SPIKE
Don't want your soddin' food anyway.

XANDER
(to Buffy) I just don't understand when his problems became your problems—more specifically mine.

BUFFY
The school basement is making him crazy. We can't just leave him there.

XANDER
Why not? Crazy-Basement-Guy is better than Stalking-Buffy-Guy.

Spike looks down, ashamed.

DAWN
It's true. You guys aren't... You're not starting up again with the whole—

BUFFY
No. A thousand gallons of no. OK, it's just—things are different now—he has a soul.

XANDER
I'm sure that'll be a real comfort when he soulfully attacks you again.

DAWN
Yeah, what does that mean exactly—that Spike is all soul-having?

BUFFY
I don't know, but he's been through a lot, OK, and nobody's attacking—

Spike walks forward and touches Buffy's arm. She's startled.

SPIKE
Buffy— Sorry.

BUFFY
No, it's me. I-I just—

SPIKE
I'll go. This can't work.

BUFFY
It will. I-it already is. OK, you know, you've been out of the basement for half an hour, and you've already stopped talking to invisible people.

SPIKE
Bollocks.

BUFFY
OK, so there was that one episode in the car, but—

SPIKE
No, bollocks to the whole thing. I don't need your mollycoddling.

BUFFY
It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.

She leaves and Dawn follows. Spike sighs.

5 EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Football players are practicing while Buffy and Dawn talk on the bleachers. It's a pretty, sunny day.

DAWN
So, what is it?

BUFFY
What's what?

DAWN
Last night, you said you weren't helping Spike out of pity. What is it?

BUFFY
It's a good question. (sips her drink through a straw)

DAWN
Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a Zen non-answer?

BUFFY
(puts sunglasses on top of her head) No, I just... I don't know what I'm feeling. I think I can't stand him, but sometimes...

DAWN
You love him?

BUFFY
No. I—I feel for him.

DAWN
Feel what, exactly?

BUFFY
(shakes her head) Dawn...

DAWN
No, I'm—I'm just trying to understand. I mean, none of it makes sense. First you say Spike disgusts you, but secretly you two are doing it like bunnies. And then Spike says he'd die for you, but he tries to rape you.

BUFFY
(sighs) For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was. That's why he went away.

DAWN
But to get a soul? Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar. And now he says he still wants her? I just don't think it's the school basement that's making people crazy.

BUFFY
(sighs) I should really get back. You comin' with? (gathers her things)

DAWN
I just don't see why people bother. I mean, you put all this energy into chasing and having and brooding and— I just don't understand these relationships where you all do insane things.

BUFFY
Bye, rant girl. (walks away)

DAWN
Well, you could, like, paint a beautiful mural on every ugly wall in the world, and then you could paint a beautiful mural on every ugly mural in the wor—

Dawn spots the quarterback, a tall, slender, athletic blonde teenager, putting on his letterman jacket after practice. The theme song from "A Summer Place" plays in the background. She's mesmerized as he drinks from a squirt bottle and then douses his face with water from the bottle and walks off. She's watching him so intently, that she leans after him as he leaves, causing her to lose balance and fall off the bleachers.

Fade to black.

Opening credits and title sequence.

End Prologue.

End Teaser.

ACT I:

6 INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - DAY
Buffy's using her battleaxe to fight a demon in Anya's apartment. The place is completely trashed. Anya's on the floor in the corner, crawling.

ANYA
Maybe I'm not even the right Anyanka. Ever think about that? There's tons of Anyanka's out there. Maybe one of them pissed off this, uh— what did you say his name was? D'Hoffryneffer...

Buffy and the demon continue to fight until Buffy finally hurls the battleaxe at him, and it lands in his chest, killing him.

BUFFY
Good thing I stopped by and heard screaming. (helps Anya up) So, I guess D'Hoffryn decided to take you out after all?

ANYA
Yeah. He's, uh, not head of vengeance for nothing. (gets ice tray from the freezer) Well, thank you for the generous life-saving. Now please go away. (takes ice and dishtowel into the other room, picks up a knocked-over chair) Look, I don't need anyone's help. Or, OK, clearly I do, (sits in chair) but I don't want to need anyone's help, so stop helping. (starts making an ice pack with the ice and towel)

BUFFY
I get it. After last week, you feel you need to be all renegade and broody. Taking yourself out of the loop—

ANYA
I need to figure out who I am. (puts ice pack on her leg)

BUFFY
Another, something bad is happening. I don't want my friends out there alone right now, OK?

ANYA
Well, I-I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing—except when she's evil. And Dawn—she's not really good for anything.

Cut to:

7 INT. HALLWAY AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Dawn is pacing back and forth in front of the stairway, psyching herself up for something. Around the corner, the quarterback she saw earlier is talking with some friends: another male football player and two female cheerleaders, one of whom is on crutches. They are all standing in a circle in front of the lockers.

CHEERLEADER ON CRUTCHES
You guys, I've been thinking about it, and I think I can still cheer. I mean, I could use a chair or we all could, like the Laker Girls.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
Oh, honey, you need to concentrate on getting better. Don't worry. We'll find a replacement for you tomorrow.

CHEERLEADER ON CRUTCHES
I just feel like I let you down.

DAWN
(walks up to their circle) Hey, R.J.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
Oh, Dawn.

R.J.
Hey, Summers.

DAWN
(they don't let her in the circle) Um, so I-I-I was wondering. You had Mr. Gurin for English back at your old school, right?

R.J.
We all did.

DAWN
I have him this year.(uneasy silence) What a drag.

R.J.
I actually kinda liked him.

DAWN
Right! Right. No, no, I like him. It's just, you know, I meant drag in a good, fun way.

JOCK FRIEND
(ignoring Dawn) So, um, are the tryouts tomorrow? You're gonna make the new girls jump up and down a lot, right?

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
God, gross! A vending machine fell on Cheryl and all you can think about is new cheerleaders?

Despite the fact that these people are actively ignoring her, Dawn persists.

DAWN
Hey, um, so, you know, I heard someone saying yesterday that we're gonna go all the way to the championships this year. In football.

R.J.
Yeah, we actually have a good shot, considering we're a new team.

JOCK FRIEND
Yeah, well if you can get us past Highland, we've got a good shot.

R.J.
Oh, like you could do better.

JOCK FRIEND
We'll see.

R.J.
Wait, you actually think Coach'd start you at quarterback over me?

JOCK FRIEND
I'm just saying...

DAWN
(impassioned) The quarterback is like the most important member of the team. He is like the rudder that guides the ship.

R.J.
Right. Could I give you a hand with that? (gesturing to the book bag of the girl on crutches)

CHEERLEADER ON CRUTCHES
Would you really? (hands her bag to R.J.)

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
(catty) It's OK, she can do it herself.

R.J.
Hey, we're all on the same team, all right?

They all walk off without acknowledging Dawn.

DAWN
(under her breath) Yeah, you're all on the team. (calls after them) We'll talk later, guys. That's cool.

Cut to:

8 INT. BASEMENT AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dawn's going through boxes that are stored in the basement. Finally, she finds what she's looking for after going through a half-dozen boxes.

Cut to:

9 INT. GYMNASIUM AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
They're holding cheerleading tryouts in the gym. There are a dozen or so girls trying out, all dressed in workout clothes, except Dawn, who's dressed in Buffy's old cheerleading uniform.

CHEERLEADER WANNABE #1
(cheers) Gooooo Razorbacks! (does a somersault)

R.J.'s friend, the same girl from the circle, is heading the cheerleader tryouts.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
OK. Awesome. Thank you. Up next, we have—Dawn Summers. (Dawn walks to the open area) Nice outfit.

DAWN
(cheering badly) Razorbacks, razorbacks, we're gonna play, we got a secret weapon and his name is R.J. Hear us cheer, hear us yell, listen what we say, razorbacks, razorbacks, go R.J.!

Dawn's cheering was abysmal. She tries to do a cartwheel at the end, but falls down on her butt. R.J. was there to watch the auditions, and seemed kind of embarrassed.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
OK. Thank you. Very... spirited.

Cut to:

10 INT. UPSTAIRS AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Buffy's standing at a door. Dawn's obviously locked herself in the bathroom to hide from today's events. Dawn's sobbing audibly behind the door.

BUFFY
Come on, Dawnie. Come out. Dawn, sweetheart, it's not that bad.

DAWN
(opens door) How would you even know? R.J.'s never gonna notice me now.

BUFFY
From what you said, I'm sure he already noticed you, I mean with the falling and the—(Dawn squeaks, closes door) spirit. Spirit. They said you were spirited, right?

DAWN
Go away!

BUFFY
Dawn...

Xander walks upstairs to find Buffy.

XANDER
Things are a lot better, I see.

BUFFY
I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos, Xand.

XANDER
Right, with the wailing and the crying... Still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?

DAWN
(opens door angrily) It is not a snit! I-I finally met him—they guy of my dreams, OK—and I blew it. R.J. hates me now.

On the bathroom floor, Buffy sees her cheerleading outfit, shredded.

BUFFY
Dawn, what is that?

DAWN
Just the end of my life. (storms off to her room to cry more)

Buffy collects her outfit.

XANDER
Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.

Cut to:

11 INT. DAWN'S ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dawn is lying across her bed, listening to music. Buffy comes into her room, carrying her shredded cheerleading outfit. Xander follows.

BUFFY
You shredded my outfit.

DAWN
I'll buy you a new one.

BUFFY
That's not the point. I don't want a new cheerleading outfit.

XANDER
Now, now, let's not be hasty. (Buffy glares at him) Not the right time.

Buffy hands shredded outfit to Xander and sits on bed beside Dawn.

BUFFY
Dawn, I'm sorry that you feel so bad. OK, but in the morning this won't seem so terrible. You don't even know this R.J. Not really.

DAWN
(sits up in the bed) I do know him. I know his soul.

BUFFY
Really? Dawn, he wasn't even on your radar yesterday.

XANDER
It's the jacket. It's true. Something about the big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw it all the time in school. And you couldn't just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play— (catches himself) not that I tried.

DAWN
It isn't a crush. It's love. I love R.J.

BUFFY
Again, since yesterday. Dawn, it's awfully fast.

DAWN
(incensed) What? You're telling me I don't feel what I feel?

BUFFY
No, of course not. I believe that you think it's real. It seems real... to you.

DAWN
You know what? Maybe I don't want advice from the Dysfunction Queen. You have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what real love is. Maybe if you did, you wouldn't make fun of me this way.

BUFFY
Dawn, I'm not making fun of you.

DAWN
Just go. Leave me alone. (flops back down on the bed)

Cut to:

12 INT. HALLWAY AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
The bell rings between classes. Dawn happens to be in the hallway near R.J.'s locker when R.J.'s jock friend is talking to him.

JOCK FRIEND
I talked with the coach.

R.J.
Yeah? I told you man—all those fumbles in practice—he was gonna come down on you.

JOCK FRIEND
I'm starting on Saturday.

R.J.
Great. Who knew fumbling all the time was the key?

JOCK FRIEND
It's just time to let someone else have a turn, man. And you knew this was coming.

R.J.
Yeah. Sure. (turns to his locker)

The Jock walks down the hall toward the stairs, and Dawn follows him.

DAWN
You can't do this to R.J.

JOCK FRIEND
Oh, hey, it's you. Nice cheering the other day. (laughs)

DAWN
It isn't fair. He works so hard.

JOCK FRIEND
What do you care? I mean, this is how the game is played. It's dog eat dog, may the best man win.

DAWN
But nobody's better than R.J.

JOCK FRIEND
(laughs) Yeah, well, that's not really up to you, is it? Hmm?

Dawn pushes him down the stairs without so much as a blink or a flinch.

Fade to black.

ACT II:

13 INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Dawn is sitting in the chair in front of Principal Wood, who's at his desk. Buffy's leaning against a table near him. They are both staring at Dawn.

DAWN
It all happened so fast. I mean, one minute he was walking, and the next he stumbled, and then he fell.

PRINCIPAL
Why would he say you pushed him down the stairs?

DAWN
I don't know. Maybe he was just embarrassed. It's hard being clumsy, especially when you're popular and athletic. I'd bet.

PRINCIPAL
Yeah, well, to be candid, it wouldn't be the first time I caught O'Donnell in a lie.

BUFFY
It'd be nice if his lies didn't involve my sister, though.

PRINCIPAL
Anyway, I'm gonna have to call Coach Wheeler and, uh, tell him the bad news. Not a conversation I really want to have.

DAWN
At least you still got R.J. to take over. (Buffy looks at her suspiciously)

PRINCIPAL
Yeah. Well, I think we have everything we need for now. I'm sorry you had to get involved in this, Dawn.

DAWN
That's OK. I'm just really sorry it happened. (stands and leaves)

Cut to:

14 INT. HALLWAY AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Dawn's walking down the hall, and R.J. catches her attention.

R.J.
Summers! Hey.

DAWN
Hi.

R.J.
(walking with Dawn) I heard Wood hauled you into his office.

DAWN
Well, yeah.

R.J.
About O'Donnell?

DAWN
Yes.

R.J.
That sucks, facing the whole inquisition thing.

DAWN
Yeah. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition." (beat) God, it's like I have a disease or something. It was really no big deal.

R.J.
(stops walking) No. (touches her shoulder) It was. I think it's cool that you faced him. Wood.

DAWN
We just talked. He just wanted me to tell him about... the accident.

R.J.
Yeah. It sucks when these things just happen—out of nowhere.

DAWN
Right. Out of nowhere.

R.J.
(continues walking, Dawn follows) You know, I was thinking of heading out tonight, after practice. You want to meet up?

DAWN
Uh... hmm... (smiles)

Cut to:

15 INT. BRONZE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
"The Breeders" are playing on the stage. Lots of people are dancing. Buffy, Xander and Willow are sitting at a table together, talking.

XANDER
Well, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less (moves finger up and down on lip to make sound) bl-bl-bl-bl-bl. I'm just saying... once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor?

WILLOW
No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.

BUFFY
At least he's showering, and that's a refreshing and delightful change.

XANDER
(gesturing to the dance floor with a nod of his head) Buff.

BUFFY
(looks at R.J. dancing) I think that's the guy.

WILLOW
What guy?

BUFFY
The one who, according to Dawn, is the quote smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school unquote.

XANDER
He don't seem so tough.

WILLOW
Check out the fan club.

There's a girl dancing with R.J. She's got long light brown slightly wavy hair, is slim, wearing tight hip-hugging blue jeans, and a tight, sheer blouse that's off one shoulder and bares the midriff. She's dancing with him very sexily, gyrating her hips and running her hands through her hair.

XANDER
Daddy like.

BUFFY
What is that shirt made of? Paint?

WILLOW
(eyes wide) Buff—

BUFFY
Glad Dawnie isn't here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy—

R.J.'s dancing partner turns around where Buffy can see her face. It's Dawn. Buffy stares, slack-jawed, in disbelief.

BUFFY
Oh.

XANDER
Oh. Oh! No! "Daddy"— No, I wasn't— When I was looking, I wasn't— Oh, God!

WILLOW
(leans to Xander) Right there with ya.

While Dawn continues dirty dancing with R.J., Buffy's still staring in disbelief, while Xander looks like he's going to gag and Willow seems ashamed of Dawn's behavior.

Cut to:

16 INT. BRONZE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Later, still at the Bronze, Dawn's walking to the bar, but Buffy catches her off guard.

BUFFY
So, do you have plans later, or are you just gonna go down to the docks and wait for the fleet to come in?

DAWN
What?

BUFFY
(pulls Dawn aside by the arm) Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third, Anna Nicole Smith makes you look tacky.

DAWN
(crosses her arms) Yeah, well I think I look hot, and so does R.J.

BUFFY
Oh, I bet he does. Maybe I should go have a little word with him. (starts to walk off)

DAWN
(grabs Buffy) No! Don't you dare embarrass me in front of him.

BUFFY
I don't like this. This boy has you acting crazy.

DAWN
It's my life. I'll do what I want to.

BUFFY
I don't think so.

DAWN
Oh. So, what—suddenly you're Mom now?

BUFFY
No, I'm not. And I am glad she's not here to see you like this. (Dawn stares) Look, I'm sorry. I just—

DAWN
You just can't handle it.

BUFFY
What?

DAWN
You've always been the special one. Hot little Buffy with her boyfriends. The Slayer. And now someone likes me, and you just can't stand that I'm getting the attention.

BUFFY
That is the farthest thing from true.

DAWN
No it's not. And I'm sorry, but I like the way R.J. makes me feel, and if you think that makes me a slut or whatever, I don't care. (starts to walk away)

BUFFY
(blocks Dawn) Oh, no, no, no. You are not going back out on that dance floor.

Dawn grabs her coat and storms off.

Cut to:

17 EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE BRONZE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Dawn's walking away, still mad from her exchange with Buffy. She hears something and slows down.

DAWN
R.J.?

R.J.'s cheerleader friend steps out from the shadows.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
I know what you're doing, slut. I saw you. I saw you with R.J.!

DAWN
So? We were just dancing.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
Right? You think I'm stupid? You're gonna back off (points at Dawn) now.

DAWN
You know what's sad? A girl who can't move on when she's been dumped.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
(grabs Dawn) He didn't dump me!

The cheerleader picks a fight with Dawn, pulling her hair and screaming. They fall to the ground. Buffy breaks up the fight. The girls stand.

BUFFY
(sighs) OK, first with the lap dance, now with the cat fight. Hey, you wanna get drunk and barf next?

DAWN
(to Buffy) Let go of me. (to cheerleader) This isn't finished.

CHEERLEADER FRIEND
I'll never let you have him, bitch. (kicks Buffy in the shin, then runs off yelling) R.J. is mine. I mean it! Stay away from him!

BUFFY
Well, at least someone agrees you shouldn't be dating this guy.

Cut to:

18 INT. OFFICE AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Principal Wood is talking to R.J. outside his office door, near Buffy's cubicle. Buffy's listening to the conversation. R.J.'s wearing a grey t-shirt, and holding his letterman jacket by the collar.

PRINCIPAL
How 'bout if you try doing your own homework for a change? No more getting these young, impressionable women to do it for you. Avoid detention, R.J. Sound good?

R.J.
Whatever.

PRINCIPAL
Oh, sweet infectious enthusiasm.

Principal Wood walks back into his office, while R.J. starts to go back to class. Buffy interrupts him.

BUFFY
Whoa. Hang on there, slappy. I'm not done with you yet.

R.J.
Oh, man. Like it's not bad enough I got that guy riding my back all the time. Now I gotta deal with you, too?

BUFFY
Actually, I'm a bit more formidable than Mr. Wood. You might come to look fondly on his back-riding.

R.J.
Yeah, but come on—

BUFFY
Sit.

R.J.
(sits in chair in lobby area) Hey, I told him I was sorry about the homework.

BUFFY
Mmm... not the homework, Mr. Wizard. The girls. What you're doing to them. In specific, my sister.

R.J.
Hey, I didn't do anything to your sister. And you saw how hot she looked last night. I think that proved that she—

BUFFY
(turns away, hands up, to avoid the conversation) Aah! No more with the talky. Look, I know how guys like you work. You turn on the charm, you get whatever you want, no matter who gets in your way, right?

R.J.
(stands) OK, look, it's not like that. (starts putting on jacket) I just— (Buffy pushes him back into the seat) get along really well with girls.

BUFFY
Oh, I see how you get along. (turns to pace while she rants) Oh, look at me, I'm Mr. Quarterback. (while Buffy's facing away, R.J. finishes putting on his jacket) I crush little girls and all their little feelings. All I have to do is— (turns, facing him now, and suddenly changes to a more pleasant tone) lead a team of high school athletes trying their best to do a good job. Everyone depending on me. That is a lot of pressure. But it doesn't mean you get to disregard other people's feelings.

R.J.
It's not like I meant to hurt anyone.

BUFFY
I know. (sits on table beside R.J.) I know that. It's just— you're a leader, a captain, OK? People look up to you. You need to keep that in mind when you— (distracted by looking at his body) I bet you run a lot, huh? I mean, they work you pretty hard, don't they?

R.J.
Yeah, (stands) I guess so.

BUFFY
I get that. I do. I'm there. Or at least I was there when I was still in high school. Which I was, just a couple of years ago, really. You know, I just realized (blushing) that I'm basically the same age as you. I'm not really older at all, actually. Just like you, (making eyes at him) but with the sexual experience and stuff.

R.J.
I think I hear what you're saying.

A colleague comes into the office lobby area. Buffy stands and clears her throat, changing the tone of her conversation to seem more professional.

BUFFY
Um, right, I'm—I'm really glad that w-we had this talk, so, uh, I think you'd better to get back to class.

R.J.
OK. Thanks.

As R.J. leaves the office, the theme song from "A Summer Place" starts to play and Buffy watches longingly, grinning like a lovesick fool.

Fade to black.

ACT III:

19 INT. LIVING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dawn's coming home through the front door as quietly as she can, but Buffy's sitting on the couch waiting for her.

BUFFY (O.S.)
Dawn. You wanna come talk to me?

DAWN
(under her breath) Ambush. (walks into living room, sits on couch by Buffy)

BUFFY
I wanted to tell you that I talked to R.J. today. He's OK. I think he likes you.

DAWN
(grinning, excited) Really? Tell me what he said about me—every word—including intonation and facial expressions.

BUFFY
Well, he thinks you're-you're funny and-and pretty and interesting. Didn't have a thing to say against you. (avoids eye contact)

DAWN
Yes, he did. I can tell.

BUFFY
The tiniest thing. (tentatively) He might have said that you came on a little strong.

DAWN
Oh, my God! I'm the pushy queen of slut town.

BUFFY
No, honey, honey, not at all. No, no. It's just—you know, lay back a little. Let him come to you.

DAWN
I'm just scared that while I'm laying back, some other girl's gonna come and sweep him up.

BUFFY
But we have inside info. We know he doesn't like being swept. He likes to be the sweeper. Dawn, you're gonna come out the winner here, with me looking out for you.

DAWN
Yeah, I guess so. Thank you. (leans on Buffy's shoulder)

Cut to:

20 INT. CLASSROOM AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
R.J.'s in math class, being lectured on algebra.

TEACHER
So we do know that 6 x + y = 16, so we can solve for y in terms of iso—

Buffy bounces into the room, wearing a black satin shirt and a short skirt.

BUFFY
Sorry to interrupt, but we need to see R.J. Brooks down in the guidance office.

Cut to:

21 INT. CLASSROOM AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
In a different classroom that's not being used, R.J. looks around while Buffy closes the door behind them.

R.J.
There's no one here.

BUFFY
Yeah, there is. (points to him) There's one of you, (points to herself) and there's one of me. (walks up to him, touching his back) You were the one in math class. Tell me what that adds up to. (walks to nearby desks)

Cut to:

22 INT. HALLWAY AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Dawn's walking down the hallway past R.J.'s math class.

DAWN
I'm not coming on too strong if I just look at him.

She peeks in the window on the door to his class, but his desk is empty.

Cut to:

23 INT. CLASSROOM AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Resume conversation between Buffy and R.J. in the empty classroom.

BUFFY
I've always been fascinated by football. So, what's it like to lead a team?

R.J.
The thing of it is: the time. Nobody gets how much time goes into it, with practices and games.

BUFFY
I totally get it. I was kinda juggling some stuff when I was in high school, too—which was also very recent. Principal Snyder was always on me.

R.J.
I still say Wood's the worst. You haven't seen the way that guy rides me. I wish somebody'd get him off my back.

BUFFY
Yeah, that would be cool.

R.J.
And sometimes, I didn't even do anything wrong—

Buffy grabs him by the collar and kisses him passionately. They kiss for a moment, then he pulls back.

R.J.
You're like a teacher.

BUFFY
Not really. (sweetly) But, I mean, does it bother you?

R.J.
Not so much.

They kiss again and lean back on the desks.

Cut to:

24 INT. HALLWAY AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Dawn's found her way to the hallway in front of R.J.'s math class again. Classes are out, and R.J.'s still hasn't come back to class to get his books. She's distressed, and starts casually looking around for him. She peers into nearby classrooms until she comes to the empty classroom. When she looks in, she's completely forlorn. She runs out of the school.

Cut to:

25 EXT. COURTYARD AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Dawn's run out of the building, and sits down outside on the edge of a large planter. She starts to cry when she looks down and sees Xander's work boots standing there. Xander seems concerned, and sits down beside her.

XANDER
Dawn? What's wrong? Is this— Did that guy in the jacket—

DAWN
(crying) Uh! I don't even want to hear his name anymore!

XANDER
I just called him "that guy in the jacket".

DAWN
That's what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name!

XANDER
Dawnie, honey, you seem extremely perturbed. Maybe I should go get Buffy—

DAWN
No! I don't ever want to see her again.

XANDER
I thought that was about that guy in the— um, that guy with the thing.

DAWN
No, it's about both of them. (cries again)

Cut to:

26 INT. CLASSROOM AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Xander bursts into the empty classroom that Buffy and R.J. are in. He starts talking before he realizes what's going on.

XANDER
Buffy, I think Dawn needs y— Uuh!

Buffy is straddling R.J.'s hips while he's lying on top of a desk. Her blouse is pulled half off, baring her shoulders. R.J.'s still fully clothed and wearing his jacket. They don't get up when Xander walks in.

BUFFY
Xander, hi. This is R.J.

R.J.
Hey, guy. It's called knocking.

XANDER
(to R.J.) I'm sorry. It's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. Also, it's a classroom, you chowder-head! (to Buffy) Now get off the boy, Buffy. We're going home.

Cut to:

27 INT. LIVING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dawn's sitting on the couch, crying while Buffy tries to comfort her.

BUFFY
Dawn, please stop crying. Please? Crying isn't going to make his love for me go away, you know.

Pan out to show Xander, Anya, and Willow are standing there, staring at Buffy and Dawn.

XANDER
Listen, you're under a love spell. That's what this has to be.

BUFFY
(to Xander) You're right. He's right.(to Dawn) You're under a spell. Oh, poor little Dawnie.

WILLOW
But we're working on it. It'll be better soon.

ANYA
Yes. Soon neither one of you will be in love with this boy.

BUFFY
He's not a boy.

DAWN
What do you know about our love? It's true and real. This isn't magic. This is my heart.

ANYA
Fine.

XANDER
We'll be working.

WILLOW
Look, I know this feels terrible, but it isn't real. Try to hold onto that.

BUFFY
Did you hear that? It isn't real. You're just crazy.

DAWN
It is so real! I love him. You knew how I felt—like I finally found something, and you betrayed me.

BUFFY
I betrayed you? You're the one that constructed this elaborate fantasy about you and my lover.

DAWN
(stands) Your lover? You're lover! (Buffy stands)

WILLOW
(mediating) Guys— Guys—

BUFFY
I tried to get you to back away.

DAWN
That's right! You lied to me!

BUFFY
Did you want me to tell you that he's in love with me? That your little crush is hopeless?

DAWN
(crying) It's not a crush! Stop. You're not supposed to do this.

BUFFY
Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful. And peppy.

DAWN
No, because you were the one I trusted. (runs to her room and slams door)

BUFFY
Dawn, wait! (Buffy goes after her)

Cut to:

28 INT. DINING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Xander, Anya and Willow are sitting around the dining room table doing research. The table is covered in books and papers, and Willow's using her laptop.

ANYA
Crazy little lust puppies, aren't they?

XANDER
Well, at least the yelling went away. It was starting to sound like Christmas morning with my family.

WILLOW
Love spells. People forget how dangerous they can be.

XANDER
Hey, been there...

Xander flashes back to episode 2x16 "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered," where lots of girls are coming after Xander in Buffy's basement. Cordelia's there, not under the spell, but every other woman he knows is under the spell, including Buffy, Willow, and even Joyce, Buffy's mom. They're all reaching for him, putting their hands on him, completely crazy for him. Xander's remembering all this fondly, with a satisfied grin on his face

XANDER
Good times.

WILLOW
Here. Something. (turns laptop to show others)

Buffy walks into the room.

BUFFY
She's locked her door. That spell has her good and loopy.

WILLOW
Info on one R.J. Brooks.

BUFFY
Oh, lemme see. Is there a picture?

XANDER
Family stuff. Hey, I knew his brother. He was a big jock at Sunnydale High too. Couple years ahead of us. He used to stick chewing gum in my hair. (Willow looks horrified) Huh.

WILLOW
What're you thinking?

XANDER
Well, I think my relationship with R.J.'s brother was complex at best, but...maybe he's a way in.

BUFFY
(to Willow) Now, look for a picture.

Cut to:

29 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - NIGHT
Standing in front of someone's house, Xander's talking to Spike, who seems a bit uncomfortable.

XANDER
I'm just saying, we're—we're tangling with a powerful spell here. (they walk up to the house) We don't know what the deal is so—so keep an eye out if this guy looks twitchy. And don't let this guy charm you, either. He had everyone around him practically kissing his ring back in high school.

They're standing on the front porch now, ringing the doorbell. An angel decorates the door jamb, and Spike avoids its glare. A tall, ungroomed, unathletic guy answers the door in a pizza delivery uniform. Xander and Spike both stare at him in disbelief.

BROTHER
Yeah?

Cut to:

30 INT. BROOK'S HOME - NIGHT
The brother is sitting slouched in an overstuffed chair. Xander and Spike are sitting across from him on the couch. The room's lovingly decorated with pale ivory colors, soft lighting and lace, and there are knick-knacks everywhere. Each guy is drinking a bottle of beer.

BROTHER
Construction, huh? That's awesome.

XANDER
Yeah.

BROTHER
So, what's up with R.J.? How's he doing at the old alpha mater?

XANDER
Good. It's just— (Spike stands and starts walking around the room) I know a girl that might be going out with him and I was wondering—

BROTHER
God, and you want to know if he's a good guy. Truth is, he's the best. Following in my footsteps. You might not know it now, looking at me with a couple of extra pounds, but back then, I was quite the guy.

Spike's standing at the back of the room now, near a curio cabinet full of statuettes.

XANDER
Yeah, I gather that R.J. is pretty popular, too.

BROTHER
I gotta tell ya. There was a time I was worried about R.J. He was into comic books, Model U.N., geek stuff—no offense, Harris.

While the brother's talking, Spike's inspecting the figurines on the curio cabinet. They're all angels. Dozens and dozens of angels. He starts turning them around, where they're not facing him anymore.

BROTHER
One time, I found all this poetry under his bed. Turns out, he wrote it. Then he, uh—what do you call it? Blossomed. That's what it was like.

Spike's still walking around the room, looking at things.

XANDER
And do you have any idea why he, you know, burst into a flower all of a sudd—?

Standing in front of the mantle, Spike's looking at the pictures that adorn it.

SPIKE
You're wearing your brother's jacket. Here, in this picture.

BROTHER
Oh, no, dude. He's wearing mine. That jacket was with me all the way through high school. Gave it to him when I graduated, right before I started over at the Pizza Barn. I'm in the management program.

XANDER
So, Lance, where did you get the jacket?

LANCE/BROTHER
Oh, dad gave it to me. Made a big deal about it, too. How he met mom wearing that jacket. She was a former Miss Arkansas. Very hot in her day.

XANDER
(stands) Wow, that's wonderful. Boy, it's getting late.

LANCE
Hey, you guys don't have to take off if you don't want too. I got sort of a rumpus room set up in the basement. There's air hockey and a mini fridge. We could party.

MRS. BROOKS (O.S.)
Lance? Do you have guests down there? There's little boxes or raisins if you want snacks.

XANDER
We really gotta go.

Cut to:

31 INT. DINING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Willow and Anya are still working.

WILLOW
(sighs) Damn love spell. I have tried every anti-love spell spell I could find.

ANYA
Even if you find the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell... spell.

WILLOW
What? (doorbell rings, she stands) I'll get it. (goes to door) Maybe it's Xander with some answers from the brother.

Willow opens the door, and it's R.J. standing there, wearing his jacket.

WILLOW
Oh, you have to be—

R.J.
I was looking for Buffy. Miss Summers.

WILLOW
Buffy's not here. Go away!

R.J.
Are you sure?

ANYA
(walks up to the door, stands beside Willow) No Buffy for you. Leave quickly now.

R.J.
Uh-huh. OK. Tell her to call me.

WILLOW
Man...

ANYA
Good thing Buffy and Dawn are upstairs. If they knew he was here...

As R.J. walks away, the theme song to "A Summer Place" starts to play in the background. Anya and Willow stare at him intently, watching him walk away. Clearly, they're getting excited by this sight.

Cut to:

32 INT. FOYER AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Willow and Anya are having a spat.

WILLOW
But you don't even know him!

ANYA
Yes, I do. I looked into him and saw his soul.

WILLOW
He was walking away, so unless his soul was in his ass—

ANYA
A.J. is my best friend and my dearest darling—

WILLOW
It's R.J. And what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me.

Buffy and Dawn walk downstairs and see Willow and Anya arguing.

DAWN
What's going on?

ANYA
Willow thinks she's in love with my boyfriend, R.J.

DAWN
What? No! You two can't do this.

BUFFY
Willow, you're a gay woman—and he isn't.

WILLOW
This isn't about his physical presence. It's about his heart.

ANYA
His physical presence has a penis!

WILLOW
I can work around it!

DAWN
This isn't fair! How can you all be doing this to me?

BUFFY
OK, wait. Everyone wait. Just calm down, OK? I-I think I know what this is. Clearly, you've both been affected by the same love spell that got Dawn. (Willow and Anya roll their eyes)

DAWN
Uh! This isn't a spell. He owns my heart.

BUFFY
Dawn, be quiet. We're trying to work this out. We don't need you interfering.

WILLOW
There's a simple answer to this. Just think about who loves him the most. Clearly I do, since I'm willing to look past the whole orientation thing.

DAWN
I need him.

ANYA
Well, you're gonna have to do better than that—I'd kill for him.

WILLOW
(scoffs) You'd kill for a chocolate bar.

BUFFY
No. Yes! Kill for him. I'm the slayer. Slayer means kill. Oh, I'll kill the principal.

ANYA
Ooh, that is hard to top.

WILLOW
Yeah, well I have skills. I can prove my love with magic.

ANYA
Yeah, right. What're you gonna do—use magic to make him into a girl? (Willow's eyes widen) Damn.

Willow goes upstairs, Anya goes out the front door, Buffy goes to the living room, and Dawn stands still leaning against the wall.

ANYA
Ooh, I know what he'll like.

Buffy turns around to get her jacket from the foyer and stops to talk to Dawn.

BUFFY
Sorry, Dawnie. You're never gonna get him.

DAWN
No. Never.

Cut to:

33 INT. WILLOW'S ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Willow's sitting on the floor, lighting candles. Looks like she's preparing for a spell. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the top left corner of the screen. Cheezy "Charlie's Angels" type music is played.

Cut to:

34 EXT. PARKING LOT AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - NIGHT
Cheezy music is still playing. Buffy is driving (poorly) an SUV through the parking lot. She parks the car. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the top right corner of the screen, beside Willow's.

Cut to:

35 EXT. SUNNYDALE SECURITIES BANK - NIGHT
Cheezy music is still playing. Anya's dressed in all black, like a burglar, carrying a sack. She pulls the ski mask down over her face. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the bottom left corner of the screen, beneath Willow's. Three scenes are on the screen now. In Buffy's scene, she's getting a bazooka out of the car.

Cut to:

36 EXT. SUNNYDALE TRAIN YARD - NIGHT
Cheezy music is still playing. Dawn's walking beside railroad tracks. She lies across them and waits. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the bottom right corner of the screen, beneath Buffy's. Four scenes are on the screen now.

Fade to black.

ACT IV:

37 INT. WILLOW'S ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Willow's in the middle of the spell now. She's got four white candles lit, and a bowl of crystals in front of her. As she says the spell, the crystals glow, come out of the bowl and swirl around in front of her.

WILLOW
Oh, Hecate, I call on you. I humbly ask your will be done. Hear my request, a simple change, create a daughter from a s—

Xander puts his hand over her mouth, interrupting the spell. The crystals stop glowing and drop out of the air. Spike's standing in the door.

WILLOW
Oh, man! Now I've gotta start all over. Hecate hates that.

XANDER
(takes the bowl of crystals away from Willow) What the hell are you doing?

WILLOW
(stands) Proving I love R.J. the most!

XANDER
Will, honey... R.J.'s a guy.

WILLOW
I did notice that, yeah. 'S why I'm doing my spell, 'cause, you know, he doesn't have to be. (reaches) Now, hand me back my crystals. I don't have much time.

XANDER
(holds the crystals out of her reach) Much time before what?

WILLOW
Before Buffy and Anya and Dawn have a chance to prove that they love R.J. the most.

XANDER
And how are they gonna do that, exactly?

WILLOW
Well, Buffy's gonna kill Principal Wood, Any—

XANDER
Fine, OK, let's start there.

Cut to:

38 INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - NIGHT
Principal Wood is working at his desk, facing away from the window. He's listening to soft jazz music on his Bose stereo. Through the open levelor blinds, Buffy can be seen walking up with her bazooka. She aims it at the principal, but a growling Spike tackles her before she shoots, and they fall to the ground. Spike tries to walk away, but Buffy tackles him, and again they fall to the ground. Spike runs away with the Bazooka, and Buffy runs after him. Principal Wood looks out the window, but they're gone already.

Cut to:

39 EXT. LAWN AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - NIGHT
Spike's running away with the bazooka, and Buffy's chasing him. Spike stops when he gets to Xander and Willow. Buffy stares at Willow, who's sitting on the ground doing magic.

BUFFY
Hey! What are you guys doing?

WILLOW
Locator spell. Human variety. Almost done.

BUFFY
(antsy) Well, I've got a principal to kill. What's going on? Who are we looking for?

Cut to:

40 EXT. SUNNYDALE TRAIN YARD - NIGHT
Dawn's lying across the tracks. There's the sound of an approaching train. Xander pulls up in his sedan. Xander drove with Willow as passenger, and Buffy and Spike in the back seat. The car stops and they all get out.

BUFFY
You realize that Anya's probably seducing R.J. even as we speak.

WILLOW
My God. You think so?

BUFFY
Well, I wouldn't put it past her. She's recently evil, you know.

WILLOW
Well, so am I. Why should I miss out?

XANDER
Hey, crazy chicks—look. (points to Dawn)

BUFFY
Dawn? Dawn! (runs toward Dawn)

WILLOW
Buffy!

A train is in the train yard now. Buffy's running alongside of it, in the same direction as Buffy's running. Another train is coming into the yard in the opposite direction. It's on the track Dawn's on. Buffy jumps onto the train beside her and climbs up to the top of the train car. Dawn can tell the train is close to running her over, so she turns her head away, clinches her eyes shut and waits. Buffy jumps off the train, landing near Dawn. She stands up and grabs Dawn, pulling her off the tracks just in time, as the train rolls down the tracks where she was only moments before. Buffy and Dawn stand.

BUFFY
What were you doing? I mean, what is this?

DAWN
It doesn't matter.

BUFFY
This is the plan? You're gonna steal R.J. by being trisected?!

DAWN
What am I—gonna compete with you? You're older and hotter and have sex that's rough and kill people. I don't have any of that stuff. But if I did this then his whole life he'd know there was someone that loved him so much they'd give up their life.

BUFFY
Dawn...

DAWN
And it would be true forever.

BUFFY
No guy is worth your life—not ever.

DAWN
R.J. is. And don't say he isn't. Look what you were willing to do.

BUFFY
Dawn, I would give him to you in a second if I could. (crying) That's how much you're scaring me.

DAWN
But I—I thought you wanted him... for you.

BUFFY
Nah. Well, yeah. My God, that boy is hot. Sorry. I think I might be under a spell here.

DAWN
I hear ya.

Cut to:

41 EXT. STREET IN SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Xander and Spike are stealthily walking beside the display window for an electronics store. They're sneaking up on R.J., who's walking down the street with the cheerleader on crutches.

XANDER
Now, you're sure you understand the plan?

SPIKE
I think I got it, yeah.

Xander and Spike run out into the street. Xander tackles R.J. while Spike takes the jacket off of him. They run away with the jacket.

Cut to:

42 INT. LIVING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
R.J.'s letterman jacket is burning in the fireplace. There's music playing on the radio.

XANDER
That, my friends, is the smell of sweet, sweet, victory.

ANYA
Also, burning cotton-poly blend.

BUFFY
Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on just a little bit?

XANDER
I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

ANYA
Man, this tool gets his jacket from his brother, who got it from their father, and we'll never know where he got it. That bites.

XANDER
Yeah, welcome to the hellmouth, where even outerwear isn't safe.

WILLOW
I can't believe I almost—

BUFFY
I can't believe I almost—

ANYA
It was a spell. You were helpless. We're not responsible for anything we did morally or, you know, legally...

XANDER
True. You fell for a mystical, ancient curse. Who hasn't made that mistake seven, eight times?

Buffy goes to sit by Dawn on the couch.

BUFFY
You hear that? Not your fault.

DAWN
(sighs) I'm just so... the way I acted, the way I talked to you. I feel so stupid. All over a spell.

BUFFY
Get ready to feel even stupider when it's not.

WILLOW
Hey, Anya, you never told us what you can't believe you almost.

ANYA
(playing dumb) Almost who, now?

WILLOW
No, you can't be the only not embarrassed one. What did you do?

ANYA
(stutters) I, uh, wrote a poem. An epic poem... comparing him to a daisy and a tower and a lake.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
(music stops and announcer speaks) And now the latest on Sunnydale's late-night bandit who is still at large. A masked thief held up a number of large businesses—

ANYA
(turns off radio) OK, great, ice cream. My treat.

Cut to:

Closing credits.

Episode Information:

Producer:	Gareth Davies Marc David Alpert
Supervising Producer:	Douglas Petrie
Co-Executive Producer:	David Solomon Jane Espenson David Fury
Executive Producers:	Joss Whedon Marti Noxon Sandy Gallin Gail Berman Fran Rubel Kuzui Kaz Kuzui
Written By:	Drew Z. Greenberg
Directed By:	Michael Gershman
Starring:	Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Anne Summers Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris Emma Caulfield as Anya Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers James Marsters as Spike Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg
Guest Starring:	Thad Luckinbill as R.J. Brandon Keener as Lance D.B. Woodside as Principal Wood
Co-Starring:	Yan England as O'Donnell Angela Sarafyan as Lori David Ghilardi as Teacher Riki Lindhome as Cheryl