"Supreme Visions of Lonely Tunes"
Author: Arkin
Email: arkina@trendline.co.il
Buffy
I'm so sorry. So very sorry that I hurt you, betrayed you. I asked you to forgive me and that wasn't fair.
This hurts me so much… but I feel I must do this. I'm going back to England. I have forced you to carry on a relationship you did not want and I'm truly sorry.
I hope you can forgive me all my foolishness, and I pray that someday you might again care for me as much as I care for you, and as much as I know you once did.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, Buffy, and anything else your heart desires.
Love,
Giles.
"What ever the bloody hell it is that you want just come right out and say it, I'm not in the mood for your games."
I knew this moment would come one day. But hearing it, actually hearing his kind voice filled with anger…
"I just wanted to spend some time with you."
He looked at me and I think for the first time he realized exactly what he said and how un-Giles he sounded when he said it. And I think I saw pain go through his eyes but I was too busy thinking about my own pain…
Rejection hurts, it always does. But coming from Giles… I felt like I just jumped down into the hell mouth again, and even though I did it on purpose this time too, it still hurt. And I couldn't face him. I couldn't look at the anger I had planted in him. I know I caused it.
"I won't bug you again."
I turned around and ran out the door and I heard him calling for me, but I didn't stop. I knew I was hurting him… I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. But there was no other way…
I never wanted to hurt him so much. He was lonely and it was all for me. Anything he ever did was for me, and I couldn't even bother to be his friend…
But I try never to make the same mistake twice, and I made the mistake of letting him too close before. I wouldn't do that again. I wouldn't let him near enough to hurt ever again.
Then why does it hurt so much?
Because the bigger the distance I put between us, the more I want to get close. The more I push him away, the more I want to pull him into a hug and hold him tight. I saw what I was doing to him. I saw the pain, the loneliness in his eyes. Gentle, beautiful eyes that always held love for me no matter what I did, what I said, how much I lied. And it just made me love him the more, and I hate him for that.
But all the pain I was causing him… I didn't mean for it to hurt so much. I didn't know how much I meant to him until I saw how hard it was to make him hate me. But I wanted him to. I wanted him to think of me as nothing more than a slayer in need of training and research. I wanted him to stop looking at me with those loving eyes, I wanted him to not be hurt every time I didn't tell him something about my personal life.
I trust him with my life. But not with my feelings. I could pass the test, he knew that. He told me about it because he knew how much it hurt inside, and I can't forgive him for going on with it; for seeing what it – he – was doing to me and not stopping. Not saying "Buffy, I have to tell you something" before he ever stuck that needle in me…
I 'zoned out' on him and I did it with complete trust. I did it because I never thought he'd hurt me so much and I knew, I just KNEW, he would never knowingly place me in danger.
I KNEW he cared too much for me to kill everything inside me.
But he didn't. And it hurt too much…
So I started executing my master plan…
And when I nearly lost him… I wanted memories of him. I wanted to think of him smiling at me, not… what ever it is he's been doing since I started this.
So I went to him…
And in one instant, in one angry sentence, he made me realize I couldn't go through with it, but that I already did. Looking at him and seeing that my plan worked – that he no longer wanted to be my friend – was the most painful experience in my life.
But then….
"You think I don't know what I'm doing to you?"
"Then why?"
"Because you almost killed me!!" I was screaming this, the worst possible thing I could say to him. "How can you ask me to trust you again?"
He stared at me for a few seconds than sat down, burying his face in his hands.
"I love you Giles, but I can't let you close again."
I walked away again and felt something in me die when I heard him…. Giles, my strong, brave Giles, was crying.
The End