destructo-girl.com

"Fire and Ice"

Author: Ashlee
Contact: ashlee_999@hotmail.com
Notes: I was never entirely happy with this story, so I rewrote it, added more detailing, more chapters, etc. There is still a huge WARNING – Spike does cheat on Buffy. It's mentioned in the prologue, the same way it was in the original. This is your only warning, so please don't review complaining about it, because it won't change. This story is about innocence and redemption and I know it's hard to read (because it was hard to write) but I felt – and still feel – that it's a story that needed to be told.
A few people are wondering, so: the reason that I'm not posting this story in its entirety (or any story in its entirety) is because I rewrite/add to every chapter before I post it. There have been many times in the past when I've realized that I've forgotten something, and gotten a review reminding me. As far as this story, I've gotten so many e-mails from people who enjoyed it, but didn't feel that Spike had sufficiently paid for what he did. I wanted to do what I could to fix the problems and make it the story that it should have been in the first place. And even though I used to ask for reviews, I don't anymore. They are very appreciated, but they aren't the reason I write- I write because I love it and if people like my stories, then that's enough to get me to post. For future reference, I feel that Once in a Lifetime Love and Secrets of the Heart warrant rewrites and plot extensions as well, so I'll be reposting those in several months (possibly closer to the holidays). I'm not the only author who waits until a story is completed before posting the first chapter (there are a lot out there) and they all have different reasons- these are mine. Agree or disagree, that's fine, this is just the way I write.

December

Standing on the balcony of his hotel, bottle of whiskey in hand, Spike stared out at the Los Angeles skyline, letting the lights of the city blur together in front of his vision.

He was two hours away from her.

Two hours, and he might as well have been on the other side of the planet.

It had been a hundred and forty seven days since the last time he saw her. A hundred and forty seven days, and tomorrow, he was going home for the first time in almost a year. Tomorrow his world would have felt completed for the first time, but instead, it merely represented a place he used to live.

'Home,' he thought. 'Except it's not home anymore, is it, mate? You screwed that up, good and proper.'

Spike swallowed hard as the images came back to him- the pain in her eyes, the disbelief written on her features. He felt something squeeze his heart like it was in a vice as all the images came rushing back to him in an unforgiving memory.

5 Months Earlier

Walking through the lobby of the Seattle hotel, Buffy took a deep breath as she approached the desk. It was well past midnight and the lobby was silent, but she was sure that anyone who happened to be straggling through could hear the thumping of her heart.

Coming to a stop in front of the desk, she managed to give the clerk who was working a friendly smile.

"The penthouse, please," she said softly, her nervousness threatening to overwhelm her.

"What's the password?" the clerk asked.

"Sunnyhell," she said with a soft smile, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear before she was handed the key and instructed toward the elevator.

She didn't want to be here.

She didn't want to see if this was true.

She didn't want her entire reason for existence to be questioned.

Would it really be so hard to simply turn around and go home, live in her happy little fantasy world where everything was goodness and light? Ignorance really is bliss, after all.

It might have been easier…but she couldn't. Not anymore. Not when her heart and her gut were both working simultaneously against her, telling her to put this to rest once and for all.

Her 'happy fantasy world' had been shattered when she answered her front door earlier that morning to find Willow on the other side.

After having spent the entire morning on the phone with Oz, Willow had finally gone over to her best friend's house with the news that was sure to break her heart.

"No," Buffy said, shaking her head in disbelief. "The facts have to be all jumbled up or something…this isn't my boyfriend, he would never…"

Trailing off in a choked voice, Buffy closed her eyes, biting her lip as she desperately wished it wasn't true.

"Did you get the full story from Oz?" she asked, looking up at her redheaded friend and clinging to the last shred of hope she could latch on to.

"Oz didn't know the full story," Willow said softly. "He doesn't know why Spike's acting this way…he thought he was happy with the way the band had taken off and the direction they seemed to be headed, but…"

"Tell me it's not true, Wills," Buffy whispered with tears in her eyes, trying to keep her emotions under control. "Lie to me, if you have to."

"I wish I could do that, Buffy," Willow said, soothingly rubbing her friend's back. "I wish I could make it better and make all the pain go away, but…but I just can't."

"It's going to get worse before it gets better, isn't it?" she whispered miserably.

Handing her friend the phone, Willow tried to keep her own tears at bay. "Only one way to find out."

And after booking the first available flight from Los Angeles to Seattle, Buffy was packed and on her way with a little more prodding from Willow.

'What was missing?' Buffy wondered as the elevator continued to climb the floors, marking the ascent with a soft click for each floor. 'The band was a success, he was with his friends, his life was finally starting… what was missing?'

When the elevator finally opened its doors, she felt as if her heart was going to stop.

Here she was, standing outside a simple door of a hotel room, and she had never been more terrified in her life.

Slipping the key card into the lock, Buffy took a deep breath before opening the door. And she saw the one thing she was terrified of seeing.

There was her boyfriend in the arms of some random girl, moving on top of her naked body.

Her heart shattered. Her stomach churned. Her eyes watered.

She felt as if she was being stabbed to death. Slowly.

She felt as if her life was draining out of her and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Never understanding what it took to actually have any homicidal tendencies, Buffy felt the honest urge to kill for the first time.

"You son of a bitch," she whispered, shaking her head slowly to try and shake away the images that felt like they would be forever frozen in her brain.

Spike froze before snapping his head to the door. It was in that moment, in that particular split second, that he knew. He knew what he wanted out of his life was exactly the one thing he could never have again. Jumping up, Spike grabbed his pants off the floor and quickly slid them on, ignoring the woman in his bed as his sole focus became the blonde in front of him.

The love of his life, who he was too stupid to cherish and love the way she was meant to be loved.

"You bastard," she said, her voice rising slightly before she turned and ran down the hall. She hit the door leading to the stairs and pushed it open with enough force to shake the heavy cement block in the walls before beginning to run down the twenty flights.

Buffy heard Spike chasing her, calling her name, but she didn't care. She had to get out of there- she couldn't handle it. As fast as she was, her tears blurred her vision, giving Spike the opportunity to catch her halfway down.

"Buffy, please wait!"

"NO!" she screamed, spinning around to face him, her eyes sparking with pain and anger. "I've waited for you long enough, Spike. Apparently, it was you who wasn't as concerned with that part of our relationship. God," she whispered, catching her breath and staring up at the flights of stairs running the length of the building as she tried to rein in her emotions.

When she finally turned her gaze toward him, Spike felt tears stinging his own eyes at the pain he saw in hers.

The pain that he had caused.

He had purposely put it there, and for what? For a few minutes of gratification because some little bitch wanted to say she had screwed a rock star, once upon a time?

Reaching for her, Spike cringed when he was immediately met with a slap in the face for his efforts. Biting his lip, he briefly looked down at the floor, unsure of what to do as he slowly looked back at the woman he loved. He'd realized in the moment that he saw her standing in the doorway that he loved Buffy more than he loved himself.

Why couldn't he have realized that when he still had her? Before his selfish needs destroyed what they had together?

"How could you?" she whispered, not bothering to hide the anguish in her voice. " How could you !?"

"I'm so sorry, baby," he whispered in a choked voice, taking another step toward her, stopping when she immediately cowered away from him. "It wasn't real," he said softly, shaking his head. "It wasn't about anything…just…it was just physical. Just lust…that was all."

"That's all?" she questioned in disbelief. "That's all ? You bastard. You might as well have ripped my heart out and said that's all !"

"It wasn't about them," he said, shaking his head. "It was…I love you ."

"Them?" she whispered in disbelief. "I should have known. You can't even keep your affairs monogamous!"

"It's not like that, pet, it's not…I just felt…I thought that if…if it wasn't the same woman, it wouldn't…it was nothing serious."

"Why are you telling me this?" she whispered with tears streaming down her face.

"Because I need you to understand."

"Understand?" she asked in a menacing whisper. "You expect me to stand here and listen to you talk about your whores? Fine. Tell me," she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest, fighting the fresh tears that wanted to spill free. "Give me details, Spike. Tell me what they're obviously giving you that I can't."

"Nothing," he replied immediately, shaking his head in desperation. "They're nothing to me, Buffy. They're meaningless. You're the one I need," he whispered, closing the distance between them and gently cupping her face in his hands, pressing his forehead against hers as they each began to cry. "I need you."

Realizing what he was doing, Buffy angrily shoved him away. "Yeah…you need me real bad. What if I told you the same goes for me? That I just needed the passion?" she asked, standing her ground as her voice continued to rise in anger. "What if I said it was just for a night, Spike? Just a few times…just a few different guys. It was all because I missed you, baby," she continued sarcastically. "Do you forgive me? What do you say, Spike?" she asked, practically spitting out his name as she glared at him.

Feeling his jaw tighten as he looked at the floor, he listened to every word she was saying, knowing that he deserved every ounce of pain she could cause him and so much worse. "It's just hard sometimes, love," he whispered after a moment.

"You don't think I know that?" she asked in disbelief. "God, it's been hard on me, too, but I didn't find myself in a stranger's bed every night!"

"But I wasn't… I was just alone, and they were there and…and I was weak. I haven't seen you in seven months, and I felt as if we were growing apart."

"And what?" she asked angrily. "What else did you want me to do, Spike? What the hell did you want from me? I gave you everything . You had it all- my heart, my body…and you were still willing to throw it all away."

"No," he whispered, tears filling his eyes again. "It wasn't like that. I just missed you so much, and you weren't here, and I-"

"Well, whose fault is that?" she asked through gritted teeth. "Who told me not to tag along on this little adventure? Is this why, Spike? Did you want to be free of me so you could live it up?"

"God, no! I meant everything I said back then. I still mean it. This has only happened a few times, and I just felt like I didn't have you anymore."

"And because you didn't have me…you just go out and fuck a few random women. Well, that clears it all up, then. Thanks for the pep talk."

"Buffy-"

"You just don't get it," she continued, shaking her head as she looked at him. "This is it…this is me," she said, holding her arms out to her sides. "This is the package. And apparently, you think it's so deficient that you have to get your kicks elsewhere, so we really have a problem."

Closing her eyes as she tilted her head downward, Buffy could feel his eyes boring into her, waiting for her to make the next move.

"It's over," she whispered, barely choking out the words as the lump in her throat seemed to double in size.

"Buffy, no-"

"You're using me," she whispered, looking up at him with watery eyes. "You can't love me-"

"I do!"

"You don't," she murmured, shaking her head. "I don't know if you ever did."

"I love you," he whispered, pinning her against the railing of the stairs, desperately trying to get her to see that he meant it. "I love you…I can't lose you."

"You already did," she said in a choked voice, looking up at him with tears streaming down her cheeks. "It's over…William."

"Buffy, I'm so sorry…it must be horrible."

"I think horrible is still coming. Right now it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying," she sobbed as she dropped her head onto her friend's lap. "I can't breathe, Will. I feel like I can't breathe."

Assaulted by the memories of that horrible night, Buffy woke up with a gasp, remembering how she had wept for hours, wishing that Willow could make it better, crying harder when she realized that nothing would make it better. A day hadn't passed that she hadn't thought about it or cried herself to sleep at night. The wound was still as fresh as it had been in that moment. Two weeks before Christmas, with Spike coming back to Sunnydale for the first time the following night, and Buffy felt the familiar symptoms of an anxiety attack threaten to overwhelm her.

She had tried not to keep up with him. She didn't want to know what he was doing now or if he still thought about her. She didn't want to know if he had moved on and thrown himself into the typical life of the rock star- more so than he already had before they broke up. It was impossible not to keep up with him, though. Not of her own free will, most of the time, but Willow and Giles were always kind enough to let her know how much he missed her.

She didn't want to know that he missed her.

That's what she told herself.

Feeling the tears continue to slip down her cheeks, Buffy tried to relax as she curled her body into itself, seeking solace, even when there was none.

It was going to be another long night.

Maybe Never

Present Day

"You're going out tonight?"

Glancing over at the doorway, Buffy smiled at her sister.

"Just going out with the gang, Dawnie," she said, turning back to her wardrobe, trying to figure out what to wear.

"Can I come in?" the younger girl asked softly.

"Don't break anything," Buffy replied, a slight warning in her voice as she held up a black skirt edged in lace.

Tossing the skirt on the bed as Dawn sat down, she continued rummaging through the back of the closet.

Picking up the skirt, Dawn trailed her hand over the smooth material. "So…um…what happens tomorrow?" she asked quietly.

"Tomorrow?" Buffy repeated, feigning innocence.

"Yeah," she replied quietly. "Spike coming home and everything."

"Doesn't mean anything," Buffy muttered, nervously tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "I doubt I'll even see him. He'll probably go to Los Angeles right after Christmas."

"Do you want to see him?" Dawn asked in a hopeful tone of voice.

"I don't know," she said softly, feeling the familiar tears sting her eyes. "I-I don't think so."

"But…you want to see Giles…right? I mean, he's practically like our dad…if ours bothered to stick around."

"I'll still see Giles, Dawnie. I just don't think I'm ready to face Spike. Not yet. Maybe never."

4 Years Earlier

Walking through the corridors of Sunnydale High, Buffy tried to remain calm on her first day of school. Her first class of the day had resulted in making friends with a pretty redhead named Willow. The other girl was a shy and quiet- completely the opposite of Buffy. She had been assigned to show Buffy around the building, and the two already had made plans to go to the local club the Bronze later that night.

Searching for the library during her last period of the day, Buffy felt as if she was turning in circles, scanning the hallways for the elusive area. Willow had pointed it out to her before lunch, but Buffy was already turned around in the large school. Turning a corner, she finally saw the double doors down the hall to the right and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Entering the library, she gave the librarian a hesitant smile when he glanced up from the books that were scattered along the counter.

"Can I help you?" the older man asked, setting a book to the side as Buffy approached.

"Uh, yeah, I think I'm supposed to be here. I'm new."

"Miss Summers?"

"Good call. Guess I'm the only new kid, huh?" she asked with a nervous smile.

"I'm Mr. Giles…the librarian. I was told you were coming. I presume you're here for study hall?"

"Yeah."

"Have a seat anywhere. If you need anything, let me know."

"Okay, thanks," she said, looking around the empty room before grabbing a seat at the closest table.

After about ten minutes, she heard a commotion near the doors and looked up. Seeing a man walk through, both doors swinging shut behind him, Buffy felt her breath catch in her throat. He was wearing tight black jeans and a black t-shirt stretched over his muscular torso, his bleached hair spiked up, with black nail polish and sunglasses still resting on the bridge of his nose.

Buffy felt short of breath as she looked at the hottest man she had ever seen. She watched as he lowered his head to look at her over the top of the sunglasses before giving her a slow smile and a wink. Buffy blushed nervously and looked back at her book, trying to ignore the tingles that were shooting through her body when she felt his eyes still on her.

"Giles!" She heard him yell after a moment, biting her lip at the sound of the heavy British accent that came from him. Looking up in time to see Giles come rushing out of his office, Buffy risked a glance at the blonde, admiring his profile for a moment before trying to return her focus to her book.

"William!" he shushed. "Must you yell? We have a student in here," he continued, gesturing to Buffy. William took off the glasses to look at her once again, studying her more closely now that his vision was unobstructed.

"So I see," he said with a smirk that spread into a smile when he noticed Buffy visibly swallow and offer him a slight smile in return. Arching an eyebrow at the young woman, he turned back to face his father. "And how many times have I asked you not to use that poncey name? My name is Spike."

"I'll call you 'Spike' when you stop calling me by my name." Giles turned to Buffy, giving her a slight smile of apology. "I'm sorry to interrupt your studying, Miss Summers, but this is my son, Will." She smiled as the librarian took off his glasses and polished them, obviously flustered from the interruption.

"It's Spike," he said, walking over to her, holding out his hand. Buffy reached up to shake it, only to gasp when he pulled it to his lips and planted a gentle kiss on top. She felt a flush rise up to her cheeks at the contact, quickly ducking her head to hide her reaction.

"I'm Buffy," she murmured, hating the nervous tremor that seemed to coat her voice.

"Pleasure to meet you, Buffy," he replied with a charming smile before turning his attention back to Giles but not letting go of her hand. "I need the car tonight."

"Whatever for?"

"Told Dru I'd take her to the Bronze."

'Of course it would have something to do with that absurd woman he was dating,' Giles thought with a sigh. He had only met her a handful of times, and each time he became more concerned with her sanity, or lack thereof. "Fine," he muttered.

Spike smiled and turned back to Buffy, giving her hand another kiss. "It was an honor, Buffy." She felt herself gulp as he made his way out of the library, trying not to think about the fact that he had mentioned another woman. She wanted to live in her little fantasy world for just a few more moments.

Are You Okay?

Present Day

"You look tired, Buffy," Willow said, her voice heavy with concern. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, unconvincingly. "I took a nap today and I guess it ended up making me more sleepy."

"You're sure that's all?" Xander asked, glancing around the Bronze before settling his gaze on his friend.

"What else would it be?" Buffy replied with a slight shrug, running her hand along the smooth surface of the table as she avoided the gazes of everyone sitting around her.

"Maybe because the man who broke your heart is breezing back into town in less than twenty-four hours and you haven't mentioned anything about it," Anya Jenkins replied, taking a sip of her drink and looking pointedly at the two people who kicked her under the table.

"Anya!" Xander hissed at his girlfriend.

"Is that one of those things that I'm not supposed to mention?" Anya asked, looking around the table.

"It could fall under that category," he replied with sarcasm lacing his words.

"Guys…I'm fine," Buffy said, looking around the table. "I'm fine ," she re-emphasized, hoping that they would drop the subject.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to talk about it, Buffy," Willow said softly, leaning close to lay a comforting hand on her friends arm. "It's only been a few months, but no one said you have to stay strong every single day."

"And anytime there's a bashing of Captain Peroxide, count me in," Xander said, an angry look on his face as he thought of Spike hurting his friend.

"Xander," Buffy said softly in a warning tone. "There will be no Spike bashing."

"And especially not in defense of another woman's honor," Anya added in an irritated voice.

"Look, I appreciate it," Buffy continued. "But it's a part of my life that I just want to walk away from. I don't want to look back and I don't want to relive it. Just because Spike is coming back to Sunnydale, doesn't mean he's staying or that I'll even run into him. Now, if you'll excuse me," she said, standing up and gesturing to her empty cup. "I'm Frosty Nectar bound."

Pushing away from the table, she threaded her way through the crowd.

"She's not okay," Willow said softly. "How could she be?"

4 Years Earlier

Sitting at a table the next night, Buffy stared through the throngs of people, trying to discreetly catch a glimpse of bleached hair.

After meeting Spike the day before, she had run into him at the Bronze later that night. Making pleasant small talk, Buffy found herself to be even more attracted him, discovering that he was a genuinely nice guy.

Smiling and chatting with Willow and her friend Xander, Buffy was laughing at a joke he had just told her when she spotted him out on the dance floor with his arms around a tall, striking brunette. Trying to smash down a pang of jealousy, she nervously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

'You just met him, Summers,' she lectured herself. 'You barely even talked to him and you're getting jealous because he's dancing with a woman who's presumably his girlfriend? Get over it, Buffy.'

Buffy had successfully been able to get some information out of Giles, concerning his son. Once the bleached blonde had left the library the day before, she soon found out that they had moved to town a few years ago and that Spike was a sophomore at UC Sunnydale with a girlfriend. Buffy also got the distinct impression that Giles didn't care very much for Drusilla Evans, whom Spike had been seeing since they moved.

Feeling comfortable around the older librarian, she soon found herself telling him about her father abandoning his wife and two daughters to run off with his secretary to Spain. She hadn't heard from him since, and her mother had to move them to Sunnydale for economic purposes. Giles had listened sympathetically and told her if she ever needed to talk in the future, he would be available.

Now Buffy sat there trying to suppress her jealous feelings, watching the attractive couple moving on the dance floor.

"Would you like to dance, Buffy?"

Turning toward Xander, she offered him a grateful smile as she accepted his offer, letting him lead her out to the floor. Keeping an appropriate amount of distance between their bodies, not wanting to give him the wrong impression, she hesitantly put her hands on his shoulders, letting him take the subtle lead as he began swaying her to the music.

Watching with a glare from across the club, Spike tried not to think about the enticing blonde, even though his eyes were practically glued to her. He didn't know why, but seeing Buffy laughing and dancing with another man made him very uneasy. Completely forgetting about Drusilla as he watched the young girl tilt her head back slightly and let out a laugh that never reached his ears, he gritted his teeth as he continued to study her.

Relieved when the song finally ended, he watched as she climbed the stairs leading to the balcony while the boy she was dancing with asked the redhead at their table to dance. Disentangling himself from Dru's arms and walking her back to his friends' table, Spike tried to play the attentive boyfriend role as he pulled out her chair for her. With a nod to Angel O' Shea, Oz, Charles Gunn, and Gunn's girlfriend Fred, Spike waited until Drusilla was immersed in their own conversation before leaning closer to her.

"I'll be back in a minute, ducks," he whispered before walking away. She barely even acknowledged his existence as she continued talking with Angel.

Climbing the stairs to the second level, Spike noticed it was nearly deserted as he glanced around. Smiling when he saw Buffy leaning against the railing, he couldn't help but admire her as she looked around the crowded dance floor. He found the attentive look on her face adorable as her eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip. Walking up behind her, Spike leaned close to her ear. "Watcha lookin' for, pet?"

With a sharp yelp, Buffy spun around, bracing a hand against her chest as she tried to calm her erratic breathing. Realizing who it was that scared her, she felt her heart begin to race when Spike smiled, leaning forward to put his hands on each side of her body, supporting them on the railing behind her. "Didn't mean to scare you, love."

"Oh, that's okay," she replied nervously. "I just didn't know anybody was there." Briefly closing her eyes at her stupidity, she inwardly chastised herself. 'Good going, Buff,' she thought. 'Sound like a complete idiot, why don't you? Of course you didn't know anybody was there or you wouldn't have screamed like a coward.'

Looking up at him after a moment, she was shocked by his nearness, never realizing that his arms were trapping her between him and the railing that was pressing into her back. She was even more shocked when her body fought to propel her closer to him, eager to close the distance between their bodies in a reaction she'd never had before and didn't understand.

Taking in his bright blue eyes, sharp cheekbones, and full lips, Buffy felt her own lips part slightly as she looked at him. A smirk overtook his handsome features when he leaned forward, hesitantly pressing his body against hers. Feeling a jolt at the contact, she suddenly remembered where she was and who she was with as she pushed him away.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she asked, her voice coming out in a breathless whisper.

'Stupid Buffy,' that little inner voice said. 'Give up major smoochies with the hottie- you're not supposed to do that.'

Sighing regretfully, Spike took a step away as he nodded. "Yes…I do. I guess I should be getting back down there." He had completely forgotten about Drusilla. He seemed to have forgotten about everything whenever he got within close proximity of the young woman.

"Yeah," Buffy muttered, trying to mask her disappointment as she nodded in agreement. She knew the frustration was evident on her face when he took a moment to study her, looking deep into her eyes as if he was trying to find something. Whether he found it or not, Buffy didn't know, merely watching as he turned and made his way back down the stairs. Waiting a few more minutes before heading off to find her friends, Buffy slowly descended the stairs, spotting them at the bar.

"Hey, guys," she said, forcing a smile, trying to keep her nerves at bay. "I think I'm going to head home."

"Already, Buff? It's still early," Xander said, a slight whine evident in his voice.

"Yeah, I know, but Mom starts work tomorrow and she wants to finish unpacking. Bada bing, that's where I come in."

"Do you want us to walk with you?" Willow asked, giving her new friend a soft smile.

"No, that's okay," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "You guys stay here and have some fun. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

Saying her good-byes, she quickly headed out the door of the club.

Walking through the back alleys to get home faster, Buffy felt a tremor of fear pass through her when she heard footsteps behind her. Stamping down the shiver, she sighed heavily, stopping after a moment and hearing the echo of the footsteps stop as well. Rolling her eyes, she didn't bother turning around. "It's late, I'm tired, and I don't wanna play games. Show yourself."

Turning around, Buffy raised an eyebrow when a man stepped out of the shadows. She felt her body tense, taking in the size of him, but relaxed a little bit when he offered her a soft smile.

"It's okay," he said, stopping a safe distance away from her. "My name's Angel. I'm a friend of Spike's."

"So…what are you doing following me?" she asked, looking at him skeptically, not sure what to think about a man who followed her into a dark alley.

"He saw you leave and asked me to make sure you got home okay. He had to stick around with Drusilla, but apparently, you've made quite the impression on him. And since this isn't the safest town to walk around in by yourself, here I am."

"My knight in shining armor?" she asked with a bored expression.

"Not exactly- they actually have to save the damsel in distress."

"Not much with the damseling," Buffy replied. "And I can take care of myself."

"I have no doubt…but if it's all the same to you, I'd still like to walk you."

Debating it for a moment, she finally sighed. "You try anything…"

"I promise to be a perfect gentleman," he said with an easy smile. "You have my permission to stake me if I do anything deemed inappropriate."

"Darn," she said with a smile, snapping her fingers to mock herself. "And I left my good stake in the shop. What a shame."

"Well, I guess I can breathe a little easier," he said with a laugh as they began walking through the alley.

Making comfortable small talk as they walked through the streets of Sunnydale, Buffy found herself relaxing more in his presence. He didn't make the butterflies swirl around her stomach the way Spike did, but she continuously reminded herself that Spike had a girlfriend who he seemed busy with that night. Buffy refused to be that girl.

"So, Miss Summers," Angel said in a teasing tone when they turned onto Revello Drive. "What have you done to get my old pal Spike so wound up?"

"Nothing," she replied with an innocent look in her eyes, obviously having no idea what she had done to his friend. "I-I just met him today. I've barely even talked to him."

Angel raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Well, this is a new development. I've never seen him act so protective over someone he just met. Friends, family- sure, but someone who he doesn't even know…"

Buffy blushed, looking at the ground in embarrassment. "I promise, I haven't done anything."

"I'm not calling you a liar, Buffy," Angel said quickly. "It's just very out of character for Spike. At least at this stage in a…friendly situation."

"You've known him a long time?"

"Nah, not really. Met him when he moved here with his dad last year. Found out he was a pretty good singer, so we decided to form our own band a few months later. He's like the kid brother I never had. Annoying me, stealing my stuff, but ultimately, he's one of the best friends I've got."

"That's nice that you two are so close," Buffy said with a wistful smile. "So, you're in a band?"

"Yeah, Dingoes Ate My Baby. Our friend Oz got the idea one day, and the rest of us just ran with it."

"So it's just the three of you, then?"

"Us and Charles Gunn. I've known him my whole life."

"That's nice. It's good that you all have something to do together."

"Yeah, it's nice to just get together and have fun. Maybe someday we'll make it big. Right now, we're just playing at the Bronze and some clubs in L.A. whenever we get breaks from school."

"You actually go to Los Angeles?" Buffy asked with a smile, letting it brighten when Angel nodded. "That's big time."

"Not really," he replied with a slight shrug. "There's a lot of clubs in that city."

"I'd love to hear you guys."

"That could be arranged," Angel said with a smile.

Finally hearing the click of his friend picking up the phone later that night, Spike was barely able to restrain his temper when he heard Angel's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Bloody hell, Angelus, where the hell have you been?" he growled.

"You asked me to walk Buffy home, so I walked her home."

"That was two hours ago, Liam."

"So, we talked for a while," Angel replied, becoming slightly irritated with his friend. "And don't call me Liam."

Spike felt another pang of jealousy shoot through him at the idea that the girl who was becoming the object of every one of his thoughts and fantasies had spent the night talking and laughing with his best friend.

"So, what'd you talk about, mate?" Spike asked, trying to keep his tone neutral.

"Oh, you know, the 'getting to know you' stuff. Told her about the band, and she said she'd like to hear us sometime. Told her she could stop by for our next rehearsal."

Slowly letting a smile overtake his features at the thought, Spike took a deep breath. "Sounds good to me."

A Sense of Normalcy

Present Day

"At least she appears to be having fun," Anya said, tilting her head as they watched Buffy laugh as Xander twirled her around the dance floor. "I let them do that. It's good for karma."

Rolling her eyes, Willow sighed. "It's not now that we have to worry about her…it's when she's all alone."

"You believe she would hurt herself?"

"No," Willow replied, shaking her head. "But what happens when the guys get home and the group settles into the normal routine?" Willow asked.

"What do you mean?" Anya asked, looking at the other woman with a curious expression.

"Hanging out at the Bronze, going out every weekend, the band rehearsals?"

Looking out at the dance floor, Anya's brow furrowed as she considered the redhead. "I don't know."

4 Years Earlier

Feeling short of breath, Buffy's eyes widened as she took in the sprawling grounds and three-story house in front of her. The beautiful red-brick home was amazing and more than a little intimidating.

When Angel had invited her to a band rehearsal in his garage, she assumed it would be low-key and simple. She never expected a mansion.

Nervously walking into the garage, Buffy looked around with a hesitant expression, unsure of what she should do or if she should even be there. 'Maybe this was a mistake,' she thought, looking around the 'garage', which could have been a guesthouse with the remodeling it had obviously endured. Cream-colored carpeting and dark blue walls provided a warm atmosphere, complete with a makeshift stage that took up an entire wall at the end of the room.

Her fears were soon dissuaded when she saw the four guys sitting on some beige-colored leather couches. They each offered her a smile, which was more than the tall brunette was doing. Buffy merely arched an eyebrow at the icy stare she was on the receiving end of.

"Buffy," Angel said with a bright smile, standing up and quickly making his way over to the small blonde. "You made it. I was worried you wouldn't be able to find the house."

"That definitely wasn't a problem," she replied, trying to force a smile on her lips as her eyes flitted over to Spike, seeing the bleach blonde staring back at her with an unwavering gaze before turning his attention to his girlfriend. A brief frown marred Buffy's features before she turned her attention back to Angel and put a bright smile on her face. "Have you guys already started?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes, they're playing right now," Drusilla said with a raised eyebrow, drawing Buffy's attention over to her.

"Dru!" Spike said sharply, turning to glare at his girlfriend for her rudeness.

Narrowing her eyes on the tall brunette, Buffy let a cold smile cross her lips. "I was asking if I had missed the rehearsal, but I can see how you might not be bright enough to pick up on that."

Taking a step toward the blonde, Drusilla's eyes were shooting sparks.

Spike stared at Buffy with an amused expression before intercepting his girlfriend. "Let it go," he said softly, looking into her eyes. Seeing her resistance, he slowly arched an eyebrow. "You were the one who started it. Just let it go."

"Fine," Drusilla huffed, turning around and walking back to the couches, sitting down with a solemn expression.

Giving Buffy an appreciative glance for standing up to his strong-willed girlfriend, Spike's eyes briefly darkened when he watched Angel take Buffy's hand and began leading her around the garage, showing her all of the equipment that the band used and pointing out the small kitchen, in case she wanted anything.

'You have a girlfriend,' Spike told himself, closing his eyes and tightening his jaw as he desperately tried to remember the woman sitting behind her. 'She's the love of your life…or so she tells you.'

Then why was there an intense jealousy whenever he watched his friend get within touching distance of the small blonde?

Walking out of the garage as the rehearsals ended, Buffy was surprised to hear the door slam shut behind her. Turning around, her eyes widened when she saw Spike standing behind her.

"Leaving so soon, pet?" he asked, tilting his head to look at her as he reached into his pocket for his cigarettes.

"I wouldn't really call it 'soon'," she replied, biting her lip, wondering how the simple act of lighting a cigarette could become impossibly sexy. "Your girlfriend seemed to hightail it out of here pretty quick," she added, trying to avoid the way he snapped his lighter shut and put it in his pocket. 'Don't drool, Buffy.'

"I'm sorry about Dru," he said softly, exhaling the smoke through his nose as he looked down. "She's a little high-strung sometimes."

"I can take care of myself," Buffy said with a shrug, offering him a slight smile. "And it wasn't your fault. It's not like you said anything. Well…I better be getting home. My mom is probably wondering where I am."

"Wait here for a minute and I'll drive you."

"No, that's really okay," she started to protest, shaking her head.

"Not taking no for an answer, Goldilocks," he replied. "Starting to get dark out here. No telling what kind of nasties you could run into."

"And I'm supposed to believe that you're not one of them?" she asked with a smile, crossing her arms over her chest in a silent challenge.

"I'm one of the safer big bads walking around," he said with a grin. "Even have the tendency to save the damsel in distress every now and then."

"I already told Angel- I'm not much for the damseling."

"It's just a ride home, Buffy," his expression darkening slightly when his friend was mentioned.

"It's really okay," she said softly, shaking her head after a moment. "Angel offered to drive me, but I told him I'd walk."

"Buffy," Spike said in a low voice that offered no room for argument. "I'm not letting you walk home alone."

Waiting until she nodded, he disappeared into his friend's garage, gathering his things before practically running out the door with a brief wave good-bye to his friends.

"In a hurry?" Buffy's voice drifted from behind him, causing him to spin around and smile when he saw her leaning against the brick wall.

"Just making sure you hadn't run off, is all," he replied, covering for himself as he tilted his head toward his car. "Shall we?"

"We shall," she said with a bright smile, following him to the car. "Thanks," she murmured, slightly flustered when he opened the car door for her, allowing her to enter the vehicle before slowly closing it behind her.

Biting her lip as she watched Spike walk around the car, Buffy briefly closed her eyes. 'What are you doing? He's got a girlfriend, and you're willingly sitting in his car as if it's the most natural thing in the world…but his girlfriend is a bona fide bitch. And it's not like he asked you to sleep with him. He's just being a nice guy and offering you a ride home. He wants a girl to stay safe- that's all.'

Successfully talked into her explanation, Buffy sighed as she leaned more comfortably against the seat.

"Where to?" Spike asked, starting the ignition.

"Revello Drive," she replied softly, trying to resist the urge to look over and admire his profile as they drove through the streets of Sunnydale.

"So," he said after a long moment of silence. "You and Angel?"

"What?" she asked, turning to look at him before realizing what he was asking. "Oh…um…I don't know," she said with a nervous smile. "He's nice, I just…I don't know if I'm looking for anything right now. I mean, I just moved here and…who's to say that he even likes me?"

"He'd be a fool not to," Spike muttered.

"What?" she asked, turning toward him with a surprised expression on her face.

"Oh…uh…nothing. Just talking to myself, I guess."

"Oh," Buffy said softly, knowing exactly what he had said and trying to suppress the smile that was wanting to make itself known. "So…how long have you and Drusilla been together?" she asked, trying not to choke as she said the name of the rigid woman.

"Since around the time I moved here, I s'pose."

"Are you happy?" she asked softly, looking over to see his reaction. Noticing the tick in his jaw and the way he was clearly avoiding the question, Buffy bit her lip as she turned to look out the window. "Sorry," she whispered. "Didn't mean to get so personal."

"You didn't, that's just…it's a hard question."

"It shouldn't be," she murmured. "You're either happy or you're not. Seems pretty cut and dry to me."

"Yeah, well, you're young," he said softly, taking a deep breath when he realized that he said the wrong thing. "I didn't mean that in a bad way, Buffy. But things are a little different when you get out of high school and step away from all of the bloody problems that go with it."

"I guess you're right," she mumbled uncomfortably, pointing out her house as Spike turned onto Revello, practically lunging for the door handle when the car rolled to a stop. "Thanks for the ride."

"Buffy."

"Yeah?" she asked, turning toward him with a skeptical expression.

"I could be happy…with the right person."

Feeling warmth spread through her stomach and the redness staining her cheeks as she continued to hold his strong gaze, Buffy took a deep breath as she stepped away from the car, reluctantly closing the door behind her.

Watching as Spike drove away, she sighed heavily, waiting until the taillights disappeared. "Me, too."

Fighting Chances

Present Day

'Why can't I just drown?' he wondered, foggily staring at the ever-present alcohol that was sitting in front of him. 'Why can't I just forget about her? The look on her face…the betrayal that I caused? Why can't I just drink it all away? Drink myself away…'

Letting his shoulders slump even more, Spike continued to stare at the bar, continuously brushing off the advances of eager women, not bothering to give any of them a second look. He wasn't interested. He wasn't flattered.

Not anymore.

The kind of women that were hanging around him represented nothing but the destruction of his relationship. The destruction of himself that he had caused.

The only approval he wanted was from the one woman he couldn't have.

'The one woman you did have,' he thought drunkenly. 'And you just tossed her away as if you never gave a damn about her…as if everything you shared meant nothing.'

But it meant everything. He knew it then and he knew it now. 'Why couldn't I have known five months ago?' he asked himself. 'Why did I let it happen? When did everything get so cloudy?'

Walking into the hotel bar, Angel sighed when he spotted his friend hunched over the bar. "Do you ever crawl out of the bottle?" he asked, plopping down on the stool next to Spike.

"Sod off," he muttered.

"Nah…I think it would be more fun to stay here and watch you drink yourself to death, the way you have been every night for the last five months." Hearing something that sounded like a growl, Angel almost had to laugh as he shook his head before looking over at his friend with a serious expression. "How are you?"

"Could be worse," Spike muttered, looking at the bar, slowly rotating his glass, staring into the amber liquid as it swirled around and lapped at the sides.

"I'm guessing that face isn't because you're reluctant to see your old man for the first time since it happened," Angel said, ordering a drink from the bartender as Spike shot him a scathing look. "You nervous?"

"About seeing her?" Spike asked softly. "No," he whispered, shaking his head. "I'll be lucky if I even catch a glimpse of her. Can't blame her for wanting to stay as far away from me as possible."

"You have to expect her to still be hurt," Angel said, trying to help out his friend. "But who knows? Maybe she will want to see you."

"I don't deserve that," Spike muttered almost to himself. "She deserves more than I can give her."

"Maybe that's for her to decide," his friend replied.

"She doesn't have to…I fucked everything up and decided for her."

"Do you still love her, Spike?" Angel asked, studying the other man with a hard glare.

"What kind of bloody question is that?!" he yelled, spinning around to face his friend, drawing the attention of the people who were sitting close to them.

"Then why don't you do what's right for a change?"

"How?" he asked miserably.

"Make it right. You can't make her forgive or forget, but you can definitely give her a push in the right direction. Show her how much she means to you. Show her that you have truly changed. Maybe then you'll have a fighting chance."

4 Years Earlier

Sighing as she loaded her last suitcase into the back of her mom's Jeep, Buffy tried to keep the pout on her lip from forming. She would be leaving for Los Angeles in a few hours to spend the summer with her dad. After dreading this day for months, she couldn't help but wish her father would call and tell her that he had to go out of town for business. She had been hoping to get the call telling her that she wouldn't be able to go visit him, but the day had arrived, and no phone call.

'Amazing,' she thought, rolling her eyes at the irony of her life. 'When I don't want him to cancel on me, he does, but when I actually want to stay here, he finds an opening in his schedule to squeeze in his children.'

Closing the back of the Jeep, she leaned against it, watching her younger sister run out the door with her bag before turning around, running back into the house, obviously forgetting something.

After the past few months, spending time with her friends and still watching the band rehearsals whenever she got a chance, her group of friends had somehow merged with Spike's.

Except for Drusilla.

Anytime Spike wasn't looking, the brunette felt it necessary to shoot death glares at Buffy, which she all too eagerly returned.

Aside from the wicked witch of the east, the two groups of friends had settled comfortably together. Willow and Oz had really hit it off and started dating around New Year's; Xander found himself befriended by Gunn and Angel, and even though Spike took a little more persuading, he eventually kept his ridiculing down when he was around the younger man- now he merely called him 'whelp'. It never occurred to Buffy that he considered Xander a threat to what the two of them had…or could have. Gunn and Fred were still together, and Buffy surprisingly found herself dating Angel.

Their relationship was fairly short-term, only lasting for a few months- they each agreed that the spark wasn't there and amicably parted ways the day after her birthday. They were better off as friends, and they both knew it. Even though Buffy cared for him, she couldn't bring herself to want to sleep with him. She never even considered the possibility.

Part of her realized that she was still fixated on Spike and what they could have had. She tried to ignore it as the school year continued, but the feelings always seemed to be there, boiling below the surface. She avoided him as much as possible, in large part to not have to be subjected to his girlfriend's glares and snide comments.

Until recently.

A few weeks ago, Drusilla had broken up with Spike, claiming he didn't love her anymore and she needed to move on.

In reality, she had found herself with someone else, but Buffy couldn't bring herself to tell him. She knew Spike would be devastated at the idea of losing his girlfriend to someone else. Buffy didn't want to get caught in the middle, unwilling to tell him about catching the bitchy brunette with another man outside the Bronze and slipping away before she was noticed.

She had briefly considered telling Spike, but the decision was taken out of her hands when Drusilla took the initiative. The two of them had been together for years, and she dropped him like a bad habit, a decision that Buffy didn't pretend to understand, but she also didn't hide the fact that Spike could do better. Especially when Dru showed up at the Bronze on the arm of her newest boytoy, who was singing in a wannabe rock band. Obviously she had gone for someone who she thought would make it big. She didn't even have enough faith in her own boyfriend to support him.

Eventually, Spike started the process of moving on, and a big part of that entailed stepping up the flirting with Buffy. Every now and then, she liked to believe that he was really attracted to her, but other than the near kiss at the Bronze that had almost occurred months ago, he had never bothered to try anything else. Flirty touches and glances were the only things ever exchanged, much to Buffy's chagrin.

Now that she was about to leave for the entire summer, just when her dream guy was finally back on the market, she didn't think her summer could get any worse…and it hadn't even started. Sighing as she banged her head against the back of the car, she couldn't believe her bad luck.

"What's with the long face, pet?"

Turning around, a huge smile immediately lit up Buffy's face when she saw Spike walking up the driveway towards her, his hands shoved in his pockets and his head tilted to one side as he stared at her.

"Just thinking about how much I want to stay here this summer," Buffy replied with a shrug, leaning against the car.

Coming to a stop beside her, Spike slowly reached out and tucked a loose lock of hair behind her ear, giving her a tender smile when her eyes met his.

"I wish you could, too," he said softly, letting his fingertips rest on her cheek longer than necessary. "Take a walk with me."

Her face immediately brightening, Buffy motioned for him to stay where he was as she quickly walked up the path leading to the front door.

"Mom!" she called, leaning through the doorway. "Spike's here, we're going for a walk."

"Have fun, sweetie! Keep track of the time, we'll need to leave soon."

Heading back to the driveway, Buffy blushed when she saw Spike outstretch his hand, smiling when he saw the flush in her cheeks. Hesitantly taking his hand in hers, Buffy felt her heart flutter when his smile brightened as he entwined their fingers together.

Walking through the shady streets in a comfortable silence, Spike led her to a park that was a few blocks away. Bypassing the kids who were running and playing on the playground equipment, they walked along a trail, letting the trees shield them until they came to a grassy clearing, offering them some privacy from the younger Sunnydale citizens.

Sitting down on the grass, he smiled at the giggle Buffy gave him when he pulled her down into his lap and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her securely in place. Her smile soon faded as she looked into his eyes, feeling her heart begin to race at his close proximity. She could almost feel her stomach clench with anticipation when she felt his breath mingling with hers. Swallowing hard as she reached upward, Buffy gently ran her hand over his angular cheekbones before trailing it downward to settle on the back of his neck. She had no idea where the bold move came from.

Looking at the girl in his arms, Spike felt his breath catch in his throat. She looked stunning as the fading sunlight brought out the highlights in her blonde hair, letting the golden shimmers stand out against her black shirt. Looking at her moist lips, he couldn't help the sudden desire to close the distance between them.

Nervously licking her lips when she saw him advancing on her, Buffy let her eyes close seconds before he made contact. Quickly losing control as the sparks seemed to shoot between them, she twined her hands through his hair, feeling him pull her even closer as the kiss deepened. Straining to get even closer to him, Buffy straddled his lap, letting her hands run up his muscular chest to settle on his shoulders. Never breaking contact with his lips, she moaned, grinding her damp center against the hardness she encountered. Breaking away, she gasped at the sensations he created in her as she continued to move with him.

"Spike…I want you," she panted as he trailed kisses along her exposed neck.

"Buffy, I need you. God, I need you so much."

Their lips fused together again as Spike rolled them, laying her down in the soft grass and covering her body with his own. Pulling away from her again, he stared down into her lust-filled eyes and a jolt of realization seemed to go through him.

'What am I doing?' he wondered, trying to keep himself from taking her, making her his at that moment. 'She's a seventeen-year-old girl. You can't do this to her.'

Reluctantly pulling away from her, Spike shakily stood up.

"Wh-what's wrong?" Buffy asked, her eyes wide with uncertainty.

"Buffy, we can't do this," he whispered, not believing the words that were coming out of his mouth.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're seventeen…I'm almost twenty-one. I can't take advantage of you like this."

"Take advantage…? Spike, I'm not some little kid," she said, pushing herself to her feet and looking at him in disbelief.

"I know…we just can't."

"So what was all of this, Spike? A joke? You make me feel for you and then…just something to laugh about with your buddies, right? Poor, naïve little Buffy."

"Buffy, I would never do that. I want you so much that it chokes me. I feel like I have to have you, but we can't."

"Fine," she said, trying to mask the pain in her voice with the anger she was feeling. "I guess I'll just go find someone my own age. I mean, I'm not that bad to look at…someone's bound to come along and say, 'Hey, I wouldn't mind a piece of her'."

"Don't," Spike growled. He knew she was just lashing out because she was hurt, but he couldn't stop the possessiveness that flowed through him at the idea of anyone else touching her. He had never been more relieved in his life when she and Angel broke up. He knew she was still a virgin, and it killed him to think she might run out and sleep with someone else. They were too close for him to not consider her to be his.

"Buffy," he began again, trying to keep his voice calm. "I don't want you to be mad at me. I want to be with you, love, more than I've ever wanted anyone, but please try to understand what I'm trying to do." He gently hooked a finger under her chin, raising her eyes to his. "Please," he whispered.

At the desperate note in his voice, Buffy felt the tears sting her eyes as her chin trembled.

"It's just…if you think that what I feel for you might just be a big joke…"

"It's not," he said firmly with an urgent tone in his voice that surprised her.

"You really want me?"

Not bothering to answer, Spike pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her waist as his lips smashed against hers. The kiss was almost brutal, as if she was being claimed by him. Molding her soft curves to his body as the kiss deepened even more, Spike's tongue dipped into her mouth, gently caressing hers. Slowly softening his touch until their lips were barely touching with light caresses, he found himself already missing her. She was still in his arms, and he wanted to keep her there forever.

Pulling away a moment later, he pressed his forehead to hers, briefly closing his eyes as he tried to catch his breath.

"Does that answer your question?" he asked with a smile.

Breathing heavily, Buffy nodded, feeling like she was unable to do anything else.

"You'll wait for me?"

Looking up at him, her brows knit together as she realized what he just asked her.

"Wh-what do you mean?" she asked, not wanting to believe what she was hearing.

Watching his hand as it trailed down her bare arm, Spike gave her a soft smile. "I want to see you when you get home."

"See me?"

Spike kissed her softly, pulling away too quickly for either of them. "I want you, Buffy. I can't stand to think of anyone else touching you…holding you."

Closing her eyes when he pulled her into his embrace, Buffy sighed. "So that means I can't go out and hook up with a few random guys while I'm in L.A.?" she asked with a bright smile.

Giggling when Spike jerked away from her with a shocked expression, she closed the distance between them as he relaxed. "You better be bloody joking."

"I am," she replied, looking up at him with wide eyes.

"I think I deserve a good-bye kiss for that little stunt."

"I think I can arrange that."

Once Upon A Time

Present Day

Pacing the length of the hotel suite, Spike glared at the camera crew as they continued to set up for the interview.

"You okay?" Oz asked, leaning against a nearby wall.

"Why do we have to tape the fucking thing at night?" he asked irritably.

"Have some place you'd rather be?"

Hearing the underlying statement in his friend's voice, Spike stopped pacing, closing his eyes in remorse. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked softly.

"I'm just asking."

"No," Spike replied, turning to look at Oz. "I just want to tape the damn segment and get it over with." Growing more frustrated, he tried not to pace restlessly around the area.

"Eager to get home?" Gunn asked, joining in the conversation.

"Not particularly," he muttered, taking a deep breath. "Think I just need some fresh air."

Avoiding the crew that continued to set up the equipment, Spike walked through the doors to the balcony, gripping the railing as he stared out at Los Angeles.

"Getting nervous?"

Turning at the sound of Angel's voice behind him, Spike glanced at him before directing his gaze back at the lights of the city.

"We've done about a million TV spots in the past year, so I'm thinking that's not it. It's Buffy, isn't it?"

"Isn't it always?" Spike whispered. "By this time tomorrow, I'll be so close to her…and I won't be able to see her. The only woman I've ever loved…and now I'm nothing to her."

"You used to put that girl up on a pedestal," Angel said. "You were her everything."

"How many times do I have to tell you this, Angelus?" Spike growled. "I didn't see what I had. Not then, though I sure as hell see it now…and there's no chance of me ever getting her back. I lost the only woman I've ever loved because I was too caught up living the life of a rock star."

"Come on, man. I know what you did was horrible, but there comes a time when you have to stop torturing yourself about it. Yes, you screwed up. Horribly, maybe irreparably, but that doesn't mean you can't try to get her back. It doesn't mean that she's forgotten about you or the way she used to feel about you."

"I can't take it back," Spike whispered, watching the lights around him begin to blur as he fought the tears in his eyes. "I can't take any of it back, no matter how much I want to. I can't give her anything…not anymore."

"I remember when you were willing to give her the world," Angel said softly. "Once upon a time."

"Once upon a time," Spike whispered.

3 Years Earlier

Dancing in the arms of her boyfriend, Buffy rested more comfortably against him as they continued to celebrate her birthday.

After conspiring with her mother to make her breakfast in bed early that morning, he had proceeded to wake her up with a kiss, something that she preferred to her clock radio any day of the week.

"Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty," Spike whispered, brushing a soft kiss along her forehead, smiling when he saw her begin to stir. "Come on, Birthday Girl. You're got a full day ahead of you."

Spending the afternoon watching movies and curling up together on the couch, Spike later took her for a walk on the beach to watch the sunset.

"Isn't this a little feminine for someone with your 'Big Bad' persona? I thought you'd want to protect your image," Buffy said with a grin.

"Not gonna lie and say it's on my list of favorite things to do…but I knew you'd like it."

Feeling the butterflies fluttering in her stomach, Buffy couldn't believe how lucky she was as Spike pulled her against his body, wrapping his duster around both of them. She watched the colors fade away while Spike nuzzled her neck, smiling at the shivers racing through her body.

After leaving the beach, Spike took her to the Bronze for a surprise party with all of their friends, holding her hand while everyone sang happy birthday to her.

"Come on, Spike. Wear a hat," Xander said, throwing the party hat in Spike's lap.

"For the last time, not wearing a hat, whelp."

"Oz and Gunn are wearing them."

"Oz and Gunn are whipped by their girlfriends," Spike replied in a bored tone.

"And you're not?" he asked skeptically.

Looking over just in time to see Buffy laugh at something Willow said, Spike smiled as he watched his girlfriend. She was happier than he had ever seen her…and he'd caused that.

"Give me the soddin' hat, Harris."

After the obligatory cake, ice cream, and presents, Spike had whisked her away to his apartment for some much needed alone time.

Walking into his bedroom later that night, Buffy had been shocked to see the dozens of candles on every flat surface and the stereo playing a soft, romantic song. Spike had enveloped her in his arms, and the two were now lost in each other's eyes as they swayed to the music. Leaning down and kissing her softly, he slowly tightened his hands around her waist. Leaning back, Buffy looked up into his eyes, trying to suppress the urge to bite her lip as she met his unwavering gaze.

"Spike," she whispered. "All of this…"

"Wasn't designed for anything," he said before she could continue. "Just wanted to make your birthday special."

"It was," she said softly, feeling his body tighten when she pressed herself more firmly against him. "And I know a way to make it more special."

"You sure?" he asked in disbelief.

"It's been six months," she whispered.

"I can wait, Buffy," he murmured, his lips getting closer to hers. "I can wait as long as you need…I just wanted to give you a good night."

"You did," she said with a soft smile. "And I know we don't have to do this…but I want you."

Not giving him a chance to say anything else, Buffy pulled him down for a tender kiss. Wrapping his arms more firmly around him, Spike tried to retain some semblance of control when she pulled away from him, inadvertently pushing her body against his.

Taking a deep breath, she took his hand in hers, leading him over to the bed.

"This wasn't some elaborate plan to get you into my bed, love. I just wanted to-"

"Spike, I know…but that doesn't mean that there can't be a change in plans."

With shaky movements, Spike slowly began unbuttoning his shirt, his breath catching in his throat when Buffy's hands slipped beneath the material, pushing it away from his shoulders. Meeting her lips in a tender kiss, his hands wandered to the back of her dress, quickly finding the zipper. Gently tugging at it until he felt the dress begin to fall from her body, the dress pooled on the floor, leaving Spike to stare at Buffy in wonderment as he was overcome with how beautiful she was.

Wearing a black lace bra and matching panties, his painful erection instantly grew even larger as he took in how exquisite she was. The innocence that seemed to radiate from her also seemed to give off a sexuality that she didn't even seem to be aware of.

Hesitantly reaching out, his hands ran over the soft skin of her stomach, and after lowering his lips to her neck, he quickly found the clasp of her bra. Discarding it to the growing pile of clothes on the floor, Spike cupped his hands around her firm breasts, massaging them gently.

Moaning as he continued his ministrations, Buffy pulled him down to the bed, trying to get closer to him.

"Spike, please," she whispered, her voice muffled against his lips.

"Shhh, baby," he murmured, trailing kisses along the column of her neck. "I'm gonna make it perfect for you."

Becoming mindless with need, Buffy didn't respond, arching against him as his mouth found one of her nipples, rolling his tongue around it before gently biting down.

Threading her fingers through his hair, she moaned as his other hand tweaked the nipple that was being overlooked, moving at such a slow pace, Buffy briefly wondered if she should try and regain some control. Abandoning the idea as soon as she thought of it when his movements increased, sending her gasping for air.

Kissing a path down her body, Spike hooked his fingers under each side of her panties and gently pulled them down her toned legs. Panting slightly at the sight of her flushed and aroused body spread out for him on his bed, he kissed his way up one of her legs until he reached her moist center.

"Spike?" she whispered, her voice laced with uncertainty. Making a move to close her legs, Buffy nearly screamed when she felt his tongue run across her opening. Her eyes watered as she squeezed them shut, trying to control the blinding pleasure that seemed to race through her. "Oooh, God!"

Stopping his movements for the barest of seconds, Spike smiled before renewing his efforts. Alternating between kissing, licking, and sucking, he soon had Buffy thrashing beneath him, her fingers twined through his hair as she desperately held him closer to her, fearful that he would stop.

"Spike, please! I need…I need…"

"I know what you need, baby," he whispered before focusing his attention on the center of her arousal, sucking her clit into his mouth and letting his teeth gently scrape over it before grasping it. Lightly flicking his tongue over and over until Buffy was screaming in ecstasy, using her hands to push his head down further, trying to prolong her pleasure. Spike eagerly complied with her wishes before licking her from top to bottom.

Crawling up the length of her body, he smiled at the sated look on her face. Looking up at him between partially closed eyelids, she smiled. "That was amazing."

"Glad you enjoyed it, love," he said with a smile before kissing her deeply.

Tasting herself on Spike's tongue, another stroke of arousal shot through her as she eagerly reached for the zipper of his jeans. Making quick work of them, Buffy's eyes widened when she pushed them over his hips, feeling his erection spring forth and hit her in the stomach.

Trembling as Spike settled himself between her legs, she briefly closed her eyes as he positioned himself at her dripping center. Staying still for a long moment, his mind briefly registered that he wasn't wearing a condom before remembering that Buffy had been on the Pill for a few months.

"I think this might hurt for just a minute, baby," he murmured, unsure of what to expect since she was a virgin.

"I'm ready," she replied, nodding as if to assure herself just as much as him.

Slowly easing into her body, inch by inch, he watched as the expression on her face became more uncomfortable the closer he got to her barrier. Running one hand soothingly up and down her torso, he gave her another loving kiss before tearing through her virginity. Breaking away from him with a sharp cry, tears entered her eyes, leaving her to frantically blink them back before Spike could worry about her.

Tenderly kissing her shoulder and neck, Spike made his way upward until he was looking at the tears that she was obviously trying to suppress freely spilling down her cheeks. He felt as if his heart was going to explode from the pain he was causing her.

"Shhh, baby," he said, kissing her, doing what he could to take her mind away from the pain. "The worst is over."

Slowly realizing that the pain was subsiding, Buffy nodded as she tried to control her erratic breathing. Arching up against him softly, Spike looked into her eyes.

"Are you sure it's okay?"

"I'm alright," she whispered, nodding her head to reassure him.

Hesitating for a moment, Spike gently eased halfway out of her, pushing back in after a moment as Buffy adjusted to him.

Gasping at the shock of pleasure that rushed through her, she eagerly pulled Spike down to kiss him, meeting him thrust for thrust.

Spike was in heaven. Nothing had ever felt better than being sheathed inside her. He looked down at the woman beneath him and realized how much he cared for her. It wasn't love…not yet, anyway. His heart wasn't able to open up to someone as quickly since Drusilla had trampled all over it, but he knew he cherished Buffy. He would do anything for her…to protect her…and eventually to love her.

She was his. She was giving herself freely to him, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin that moment.

Feeling his climax closing in on him, Spike angled his thrusts to brush against the most elusive place inside of her, sending her over the edge. After a few seconds, he felt her inner muscles tighten around him and arch up with a scream. Spike smiled briefly before following her over the edge, squeezing his eyes shut as he climaxed.

Each trying to catch their breath as Spike's body blanketed Buffy's, their lips met in a tender kiss as they tried to control themselves. Slowly pulling out of her, they both groaned at the loss of intimate contact before Spike rolled onto his back, pulling Buffy onto his chest. He watched as her fingertips traced patterns over his upper body, obviously lost in thought. Doing what he could to soothe her, Spike ran his hands up and down her arms, trying to soothe her.

"I love you," she whispered after a moment.

Spike froze at the admission before she propped herself up to look at him, letting her hair spill over her shoulder as she met his gaze. "I don't expect you to say it back, but I thought you should know…I love you. I have for a long time."

"Buffy, I-I…"

"Shhh," she whispered, placing a finger over his lips. "I want you to say it when you're ready. I can wait."

High Hopes

Present Day

Knocking on the door of Giles' home later that night, Buffy offered the older man a soft smile when he answered.

"Buffy," he said with a smile. "I wasn't expecting you tonight."

"I know, Giles. I'm sorry it's so late, but…well, it's been kind of a rough day," she said with a sheepish expression.

"Come in, please," he said, opening the door even wider.

Entering the cozy apartment, she slowly walked into the living room, waiting for the older man to join her before sitting down on the overstuffed sofa.

"I just wanted to stop by, since I wasn't sure when I would see you again."

Taking off his glasses and cleaning them with a soft cloth, Giles sighed. "Buffy, just because William is coming home is no reason for you to hide. You did nothing wrong."

"I know," she said softly, looking down at her hands as she nervously wrung them together. "I just…it would just be too hard…seeing him…in person, I mean. Not that it's not hard when I see him on TV or hear one of their songs on the radio. Or there's the real kicker, when I get to walk through the grocery store and see the picture of the little slut I caught him with, telling her story for a few quick bucks…"

Trailing off when she realized what her babbling had led to, she looked up at Giles with a nervous expression.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Buffy, I have no reason to defend William's actions or behavior. I was furious with him for hurting you as well as not having the guts to tell you about it. You're like a daughter to me, and I do not condone Will's behavior, no matter how much I love him."

Trying to stop her eyes from watering, she looked downward when a few traitorous tears slipped free. "I still love him, Giles," she whispered in a choked voice. "And I don't want to. I wish there was some way to just turn off all of my emotions but…I can't. It's horrible…everything he did…having to deal with all of it…I just feel horrible all the time."

Giles crossed the floor and wrapped his surrogate daughter in his arms, letting her cry against his shoulder for several minutes before she pulled away.

"I'm sorry, I've been doing really good with the not breaking down…but, with him coming home tomorrow…"

"No need to explain, dear."

"Anyway, um, the reason I came is to give you your Christmas gift, since I really doubt I'll be seeing you on Christmas Day," she said, handing him the small box.

"That's so thoughtful," Giles said with a soft smile as he stood up to walk toward the festive tree set up in the corner of the room. "I have yours here, as well."

Retrieving a box from beneath the tree, he turned and handed it to her. They each tore into their own gifts and let out simultaneous gasps at what they found.

"Buffy, this is too much," he said, holding up the silver watch and examining it while Buffy removed her gift from the box.

"Oh, Giles, you really shouldn't have, this is beautiful."

Looking down at the book in her hands, she let her fingertips gently run across the soft leather. It had a clasp holding the blank pages together, and her name was inscribed in the bottom right hand corner, making a smile pull at her lips at the thought that must have gone into this gift.

"Nonsense," he said. "I know you need to get your feelings out, and sometimes a journal is the best way."

"Get my feelings out," she murmured, biting her lip, wishing that she had done that a year ago.

1 Year Earlier

Trudging home after her last class of the day, Buffy sighed, thinking about how much she was really starting to resent college. After only one semester, she couldn't wait for Christmas Break. That night, she would be working on a research paper and studying for two tests- she could already feel the energy draining out of her.

"Buffy, wait up, pet!"

Turning around, a bright smile lit up her face when she saw Spike jogging toward her. Since he had graduated college in May, she felt like she never got to see him- most of his time was spent with the band, working on their songs. They signed a recording deal a few months ago, and one of their songs was already climbing the Billboard chart.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as he approached.

Greeting her with a long, hard kiss, Spike pulled back to give her a huge smile before responding, "I had to see you. I got the greatest news today, and you were the first person I wanted to tell."

"Well, what is it?" she asked, his excitement rubbing off on her.

"We're going on tour!"

Buffy's smile faltered a little before she quickly put it back in place. She knew this was always a possibility- it was all Spike could talk about since they signed the deal.

"When?" she asked quietly.

"We leave the beginning of January. It's over right before Christmas," he said, nearly jumping up and down like a little kid.

Practically feeling her heart freeze in her chest, she swallowed nervously. 'A year? He's leaving for over a year?'

"Congratulations, honey," she whispered. "I know this is what you always wanted."

Spike stopped his celebrating to look at her closely. "You're not happy."

"No, I mean it's…it's great news," she replied, trying to keep her smile firmly in place.

"What's wrong, Buffy?"

"It's just…it's a long time for you to be away."

"I know, baby, but it'll be fine. We will be fine," he insisted, loosely putting his hands on her waist, pressing his forehead against hers.

Relaxing a little at the reassurance in his tone, Buffy let a genuine smile come over her face. "Hey, maybe I could go with you," she said after a moment. "You know, take a little time off school and see the country."

Spike smiled, reaching out to stroke her cheek. "I'd love for you to, Goldilocks, but you need to focus on school. I'm about to live my dream- you should work on yours."

"I don't even know what mine is, other than being with you."

"I know…and that's why you need to stay and figure it out," he said, pulling her into a hug and burying his face in her hair. "I'm going to miss you like crazy, you know that, right?" he asked with a strained voice.

"I know," she whispered. "I'm going to miss you, too. Maybe whenever you're on the west coast, I can take some time off and come see you."

Spike pulled away and smiled down at her, obviously relieved at the thought. "Sounds perfect, love."

Bed of Roses... and Thorns

Present Day

Still staring at the journal in her hands, Buffy took a deep breath, trying to overcome the tears that always seemed to be in her eyes. Looking up, she frowned when she saw Giles checking his watch.

"Should I leave?" she asked, tilting her head slightly as she waited for his response. "I know it's late…"

"No," Giles said quickly, shaking his head. "It's just that…William is...well, he called…you see the thing is…"

"Giles, tell me."

"He taped a segment earlier today for one of the late night programs, and he called to let me know it would be airing tonight."

Giving him a small smile of understanding, Buffy nodded. "And you wanted to watch it, but you were worried about me."

"Yes."

"I'll be okay," she insisted. "Go ahead and turn it on."

Watching as he walked over to the huge entertainment center that Spike sent him for his birthday, Buffy took a deep breath as he turned on the TV.

Sitting in silence, the two of them watched the first few guests go through the interviews. When the band was announced, Buffy's eyes were riveted to her ex-boyfriend as he moved across the stage, adjusting his microphone.

"He looks good," she commented almost miserably.

Noticing her somber tone, Giles patted her shoulder in comfort. "He's miserable without you, Buffy. He asks about you every time he calls and wants to hear all the details. The happiest I've heard him in the past few months was when I told him you'd chosen photography as your major. He was pleased to know you found something you love doing."

Offering a half-hearted smile, Buffy didn't know how to respond, turning her attention back to the screen. Hearing the music begin, her heart clenched in her chest as she recognized the song- a remake of Bon Jovi's Bed of Roses . The band had released it a month earlier and it became an instant hit. Feeling the tears spring to her eyes as she listened to the man she was still in love with begin to sing a song that reflected such a horrible moment in her life.

"Sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
Trying hard to capture
the moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka
is still lodged in my head
And some blonde gave me nightmares
I think she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies
they won't make of me when I'm dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
what you mean to me
And the truth is, baby you're all that I need

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

Well I'm so far away
That each step that I take is on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes I'd given each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper,
baby blind love is true

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

The hotel bar hangover whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked
And she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
But I laughed so hard I think I died

Now as you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonight I won't be alone
But you know that don't
Mean I'm not lonely, I've got nothing to prove
For it's you that I'd die to defend

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses"

The last few notes were still ringing through the air as Spike leaned into the microphone once more. "I'm still in love with you, Buffy."

The air rushed out of her body as the ache in her heart seemed to multiply at the admission. Wiping the tears away that were traveling down her cheeks, she tried to control her breathing, not wanting to worry Giles.

"Buffy?"

Turning at the sound of the older man's voice, she offered him a weak smile. "I need to be getting home," she said softly, standing up and clutching at her new journal as she started walking to the door.

"Of course," he replied in understanding. "Can I offer you a lift?"

"No, that's okay, Giles. I think I need to walk…clear my head a little."

"Perhaps you can stop by for lunch tomorrow- Will's not due in until after seven."

"That would be great. I'll try and make it over around noon."

"Splendid," he said with a bright smile. "I'll be expecting you."

Offering him a small wave before walking out the door, her shoulders immediately slumped when she heard the click of the door shutting behind her. The tears seemed to automatically start again when she was alone. Walking slowly toward her house, Buffy clutched the leather book to her chest, looking for some kind of comfort.

She still loved him so much and he was coming home.

How would she be able to look at him whenever she saw him? She knew it was inevitable- Sunnydale was too small to not run into him. The band would be there for at least a year, on hiatus, while they worked on some new material.

Spike had ripped her heart out. How was that forgivable? Or even tolerable?

Buffy knew that he was also keeping tabs on her through Oz whenever he talked to Willow. She didn't know what to think about that. Did he still love her, or was it all an act? Was it for publicity? Did he ever really love her?

11 Months Earlier

Making her way toward the parking lot, Buffy tried to let the cool morning air calm her nerves. It was still early and the soft grays and blues did little to relax her. Seeing the tour-bus in front of her, she approached it with a heavy heart.

Noticing his girlfriend's arrival, Spike ran over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist when he reached her. Buffy giggled as he picked her up and spun her in a circle.

Setting her back on the ground after a few turns, Spike looked down at her with watery eyes before pressing his forehead against hers. "I'm holding you and I already miss you," he whispered.

"I know how you feel."

"And I'm gonna miss your birthday," he added, looking at her in concern.

"Buy me something pretty," she said with a watery smile.

"Anything and everything."

Watching her laugh at his response, Spike felt the familiar pull on his heart. The one that told him he didn't deserve her and he was lucky that no other man had stolen her away from him.

"I missed you last night," she murmured, breaking into his thoughts.

"I know," he said softly. "But I left packing till the last minute, you know that. And I think you know why," he continued with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," she whispered, a blush in her cheeks as she looked at the ground.

Hearing the horn of the bus, they both turned to stare at it before returning their eyes to each other.

"Buffy, I needed to tell you…" he paused, taking a deep breath. "I needed to tell you that…I'm so in love with you, I can't think straight."

Hearing the words that she had dreamed about so many times over the past year, a dazzling smile settled on her features. Wrapping her arms around his neck with fresh tears coming to her eyes, she held him tight, knowing it would be a long time before she could do it again.

"I love you, baby," he whispered, his voice muffled against her shoulder. "I'm sorry it took me so long…"

"It's okay," she said with a slight sniffle, pulling away to look in his eyes. "It was worth the wait. And I love you, too…you know I do."

Pressing his lips gently against hers, Spike tried to pour every emotion into the kiss before reluctantly pulling away. "Everything will be fine, Buffy," he whispered, not waiting for a response as he slowly walked away, stepping on the bus.

Watching him disappear, Buffy turned away with a silent sob, covering her mouth with her hand as the tears began to fall.

"Hey, Summers!"

Taking a deep breath, she turned around to see Spike leaning halfway out of one of the windows.

"You're one in a million!" he yelled, blowing her a kiss.

She laughed and waved at the group as the bus pulled away, leaving her standing in the middle of the parking lot, her arms wrapped around her body. Never noticing Giles walking over to stand next to her, she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard his voice.

"How are you doing?" he asked gently.

Turning to face her surrogate father, Buffy sighed with relief when Giles hugged her. He had been nothing but supportive ever since he discovered that she was dating his son, stating more than once how he could see the two of them growing old together.

Pulling back to look at him with a miserable expression, Buffy tried to keep the pout from forming on her lip. "I miss him already."

"I don't doubt it. Would you care for a ride home?"

"Thanks, Giles."

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