Her friend smiled back at her, "I feel the same way. It's, like, shopping season. And I *love* shopping."

"Me too, especially for Jake. He's at such a fun age so I can buy all these toys for him and cute clothes too!"

"Plus you can't wait to shop for the baby," Cordelia added.

Buffy bit her bottom lip and tried to not to smile even more broadly, but failed miserably, "It's true. Cordy, I am so excited about this baby. I mean, last time there was so much I was unsure of. I wasn't married yet, Angel and I really hadn't discussed kids… I wasn't already a mom. Now I know that I have a great husband and a beautiful home and financial security. I already have a wonderful son and I *can* take care of a baby. I know I can do this… and I look forward to it."

"I'm so happy for you guys. Personally, the idea of gaining a whole bunch of weight and spending hours in major pain while letting the world see my crotch is… unappetizing, but whatever floats your boat."

"Ooh, look at that romper, let's go in!" Buffy exclaimed, dragging Cordelia into a baby store. The brunette reluctantly followed her friend as she sighed over a pink romper that was on display in the window.

"You want a little girl now, don't you?"

Buffy shrugged, "I want both boys and girls, so if this one's a girl, great. If it's a boy… I'm still happy."

"Are you going to wait until you pop the kid out again?"

Buffy ignored Cordelia's choice of wording and left the store, knowing Angel would kill her if she came home with baby clothes after he made her promise not to until they got a room in order for the baby, "You know, after the last time, you'd think it would be easier to wait, but I am *so* antsy! Maybe it's because I don't feel like death run over this time. Remember how I got so dehydrated from morning sickness last time that I passed out? I don't think I've been sick at all this time."

"Hmm, that's weird," Cordelia commented.

"Yeah, but they do say every pregnancy is different. I guess I just figured the sickness was a 'Buffy' thing. Like, some women are prone to puking and some aren't, but I'm not going to complain."

"Should we go shop for your bikini now? You only have a week before you guys leave," Cordelia reminded her.

Buffy glanced at her watch and sighed, "It's four o'clock. Angel wants to go out at five-thirty."

"We can hurry!"

Buffy mulled it over for a second before nodding her head. She *really* wanted a new swimsuit and things were getting really hectic. There was no saying if she and Cordelia would get a chance to come to the mall again. Buffy had to have her friend there for opinions!

"Jacob, eat!" Angel ordered, holding the spoon in front of the baby's mouth. He detested feeding his son when he was cranky, and since he'd refused to take a nap, Jacob was not in the best of moods. Jacob didn't open his mouth, just gave his father a defiant look that made him strongly resemble Buffy. Sighing, Angel once again made the little spoon a little airplane, attempting to get Jacob to open his mouth so he could shove a spoonful of food in.

It worked until Jacob bent down and drooled all the food onto the white plastic tray of his high chair. Angel rubbed his forehead with his free hand, wondering for the dozenth time what could be keeping Buffy. It was after five and they were supposed to be leaving soon. He'd been hoping she would get home early enough that *she* could try to feed Jacob. The boy always gave his mother an easier time.

Spike walked into the room from his basement quarters with bounce in his step until he saw his sire dressed in a suit feeding Jacob. Or *attempting* to feed, he ought to say, since Spike wasn't sure any of the jar of baby food had ended up in Jake's belly, but plenty had ended up everywhere else.

"Where's Buffy?"

Angel scowled at the blonde vampire, "Your guess is as good as mine. I should have known not to expect her home on time from the mall. Once she gets to shopping with Cordelia every ounce of responsibility that she possess goes right out the window. We have reservations and now we'll be late. I might as well go cancel them… who knows when she'll breeze in."

Spike glared at him, "Why don't you lose the attitude, you big poof? She probably just wants a break from you and your insecure, brooding self."

"Of course I can't expect you to understand; your only experience is with an insane person."

Spike's fists clenched at his sides, "The only reason I'm not beating the crap out of you right now is because your son is right here… and the fact that despite you being an asshole who certainly doesn't deserve her, it would upset Buffy."

Angel shook his head and stood up, knowing he was being way out of line with Spike, taking out his irritation at Buffy on the wrong person, but in too much of a bad mood to apologize for it. He grabbed a towel and wiped off Jacob's face and hands.

"So the boy doesn't get to eat because he's acting like a baby, which he is, by the by."

"He'll eat when Buffy comes home. She can always get him to eat and since we're not going out as planned, she'll have time to do it. We won't need you to babysit now, so you don't have to stick around."

"Did you try calling her?" Spike asked, growing a little concerned. Yes, Buffy could be late when she got to shopping, but never this late.

"Several times, her phone is turned off," Angel answered, pulling his son out of the chair and walking him over to the family room so he could play with his toys.

"What if something is wrong?"

"I figured she would call," he replied, belying the fact that a part of him was indeed growing quite worried.

"Well, she can't do that if she's unconscious or dead, can she?"

"Listen, she's *my* wife and I don't need you sitting there, telling me how to run my life!" Angel shouted, "Just go away!"

Jacob was startled by hearing his daddy yell and burst into tears. Angel immediately remorseful for his outburst and picked up the baby and tried to calm him, knowing Jacob wouldn't be in a good mood again until Mommy was home.

Before either Spike and Angel could attack each other again, the telephone rang. Since his hands were free, Spike picked it up, "Hello?"

"Spike, is Angel there?" Cordelia asked, sounding panicked.

"Yeah, do you want to talk to him?"

"No, just tell him to get down to the hospital right away! Something's wrong with Buffy!"

Angel rushed into the emergency room with his son in his arms and Spike by his side. He'd tried to get the vampire to stay home and watch Jacob, but Spike wouldn't hear of not being at the hospital with Buffy.

Spotting Cordelia sitting in one of the plastic chairs in the waiting area, Angel hurried over to her, "Cordelia!"

She stood up and shook her head, "I don't know what's going on! They won't tell me anything. You're her husband, maybe they'll tell you."

"What happened?" Spike asked since she'd given no details on the phone. Not that he'd asked. Knowing Buffy was in the hospital was enough to get him down there.

"We were leaving the mall.. putting our packages in her trunk.. and then she had this pain in her stomach… I drove her here as fast as I could, I swear," Cordelia explained, looking even more worried.

Angel tried to be calm, not only for his sake, but for Jacob's. If he wasn't scared already, seeing his father upset would only frighten him. Nodding his head, he handed Jacob to Cordelia, "Could you watch him while I go find a doctor to get me information on Buffy?"

"Sure," Cordelia said numbly, gently squeezing Jacob and kissing his cheek.

Angel's legs felt like jello as he walked to the counter and waited for the nurse to be done arguing with some man with a bandage around his head. It seemed like hours, but must have been seconds later when the man finally walked away and the nurse looked at Angel.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, my wife was admitted here… Buffy Summers-McKellen."

The nurse looked down at her clipboard and nodded, "I'll page Dr. Alberts, that's her doctor."

"Thank you," Angel said quietly, hoping the doctor would arrive soon. His heart was pounding, his palms sweaty, and he didn't know how much longer he could bear waiting. If Buffy had *wanted* to come to the doctor… it had to be bad.

The nurse paged the doctor over the intercom and busied herself putting papers files away until one of the phones rang a moment later. She picked it up and talked to someone on the other end before hanging up and looking at Angel, "Sir, that was Dr. Alberts. I told her that you were here and she promised she'd be out to talk to you about your wife in just a moment."

Angel nodded and wrung his hands as he waited as patiently as possible to find out what was wrong with his wife. Why did it seem they couldn't go very long without one of them ending up in the hospital? He realized then that the last time they'd been there had been a year earlier, when Buffy had given birth to Jacob. It had been a fast year… he only prayed that whatever had happened wouldn't mean that they couldn't have another.

"Mr. McKellen?"

Angel looked up and saw a middle-aged woman in blue hospital scrubs and a white lab coat approaching him, "Are you Buffy's doctor?"

The woman nodded, "I was just in your wife's room. Don't worry, she's going to be fine."

"Thank God," he sighed in relief, "What happened?"

"Buffy had a miscarriage," the doctor informed him sadly, "There's no real reason… it just happened. Buffy didn't cause it, inadvertently or not. Sometimes these things just happen."

Angel felt numb, mourning for the loss of the life of his child that he never even knew, "Oh no."

"I know this is hard for you. If it helps… I am positive that Buffy will still be able to have children. You just shouldn't try for three months. And, also, you should avoid intercourse for at least three weeks."

Angel nodded, trying to soak everything she told him in. All he could really process was that the new baby was gone… and he needed to be with Buffy more than ever, "When can I see my wife?"

"You can go in right now, she could use your support right now," she replied, "She doesn't need to stay overnight or anything, so we should be releasing her soon. Make sure she takes it easy for a few days. I want her to go straight to bed tonight."

"Okay, I'll make sure she does," he promised.

The doctor gave him a sympathetic smile as she pointed down the hallway, "She's in room seven."

Angel walked to the room with great trepidation; not from the fear of not knowing what was wrong with Buffy anymore, but instead with the agony of knowing he would have to face her and deal with the loss of their child.

He slowly opened the door and found Buffy sitting up in bed, staring blindly at the wall across from her. Hearing him walk in, she turned her head towards her husband and immediately burst into tears.

"Oh God, Angel, I'm so sorry!"

Angel sat down on the edge of the bed and hugged her tightly, "You have *nothing* to be sorry for, Honey."

"I lost our baby! Oh God, our baby!"

"It's not your fault, Buffy," he told her, kissing the top of her head as he felt tears spilling from his own eyes, down his cheeks.

They held each other and cried until they couldn't cry any longer and Buffy allowed Angel to push her back against the pillows. He went ahead and lied beside her, gently stroking his fingers through her long, blonde hair.

Kissing her forehead, he once again whispered, "This isn't your fault. Please, don't blame yourself."

"They're letting her out tonight. They just told me it should be about two more hours," Angel informed Spike and Cordelia upon returning to the waiting room half an hour after going to see Buffy. She was asleep, fortunately, so Angel had used the opportunity to get them caught up on the situation. Quietly, he added, "She had a miscarriage."

"Oh no," Cordelia sighed, while Spike remained silent, a stricken look on his face.

"Dada," Jacob cooed, waving at his father from his position in Cordelia's lap.

Angel gave him a sad smile, "Hey Buddy, I'm surprised you aren't throwing a tantrum from being hungry."

"Oh, I went ahead and fed him some applesauce from the cafeteria," Cordelia said.

"Thanks," Angel replied, running his hand through his hair, "Uh, do you think you could take him home? Buffy's really not up for company right now, so you guys can just get out of here."

Spike surprised him by not putting up a fight, "Alright, I'll take Buffy's car and drive Cordelia to her place, then take Jake home and put him to bed."

Angel nodded his head slowly, looking the vampire in the eye, "Thank you."

"Consider it a favor to Buffy," Spike replied, picking Jacob up and talking to the boy.

Cordelia stood and squeezed Angel's arm, "Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"I will," he promised, wondering if there was anything anyone could do. How could you make losing a child better?

"Mama," Jacob whined, rolling all over the floor of the family room.

Angel sighed and continued cleaning up the disaster area the one-year-old had turned the room into. He'd taken leave from work indefinitely so that he could take care of things at home and give Buffy a chance to recover from the miscarriage. Physically, she was fine, but emotionally... She'd spent the past three days in bed, eating nothing besides what Angel forced her to swallow, just staring into space. She didn't talk to him, her mother, Cordelia, Spike, anyone.

Jacob missed his mother, but hadn't really questioned her disappearance. Angel made a point to keep his son out of the master bedroom to give Buffy the peace and quiet she needed and to keep Jacob from getting upset at seeing his mother completely depressed.

"Jacob, want to go make lunch?" Angel asked, inwardly groaning at the fact that it was already noon and he'd yet to shower. He had no idea how Buffy managed it when she was home with Jacob by herself.

"Mama!" the baby screamed.

Half an hour later, Jacob's belly was filled with diced hot dog, making him much more docile. Angel decided to take a chance and brought the baby upstairs, creeping into his bedroom. Seeing Buffy was asleep in the bed, he made a point to be very quiet as he carried Jacob to the bathroom.

"Mama," Jacob said cheerfully upon seeing his mother.

"Shh, Mama's sleeping," Angel whispered.

"Seeping," Jacob repeated, nodding his head.

Angel walked into the bathroom and nudged the door closed with his foot, not noticing that the door didn't actually close completely. He set Jacob down on the floor with some blocks he'd brought up for the baby to play with before turning on the water in the shower. While he waited for the water to heat up, Angel stripped out of his clothes. Stepping into the shower, Angel hoped Jacob would stay entertained for at least five minutes.

Unfortunately, Jacob was far more interested in seeing his mommy than playing with blocks. As much as he loved his daddy, his mommy was his mommy and he wanted her. He toddled over to the ajar door and pulled it open a little more before running over to the side of the bed. Jacob put his hands on the mattress and put his chin over to edge of the bed, just barely tall enough to get the job done.

Much to his delight, his mother was right there, her face just inches away, her eyes closed so she couldn't see him.

"Mama!" he cried out gleefully, wanting her to pick him up and play with him.

Having only been half asleep, Buffy opened her eyes and couldn't help but smile at the sight of her son's face, "Hey Sweetie!"

Just as he'd hoped, Buffy sat up and grabbed him, lifting him onto the bed with her. He made sure to tell her so, babbling animatedly as he crawled all over her. Buffy forgot about hating herself for a moment and enjoyed being with her son. Immediately, she felt even more guilt because while she'd been feeling sorry for herself and all the other stuff that went along with her miscarriage, she'd neglected the beautiful little boy she'd already had.

Angel nearly swore when he stepped out of the shower and found Jacob gone. He hadn't even bothered peeking his head out to check on him, he'd been in such a hurry to finish the shower. Quickly, he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist before walking out the door he noticed was half open and began searching for his son.

The search ended quickly, however, when Angel found Jacob lying next to Buffy, sucking his thumb as she smiled and talked quietly to him. He stood still, just staring at them for a moment, until Buffy looked up and saw him. She gave him a small smile before turning back to Jacob and continuing with whatever she'd been saying.

Slowly, Angel moved to Buffy's side of the bed and sat down beside her, realizing that Jacob was practically asleep. He had no idea how she'd done that, because for the past few days when Angel had tried to put him down for his nap, Jake had run around like a chicken with his head cut off.

Buffy was silent for a while, then rolled over so that she was facing him. With tears in her eyes, she quietly said, "I'm sorry I've been so selfish."

"Honey, please stop being sorry," Angel pleaded, "I told you, don't be sorry about the baby, because it's not your fault… and don't be sorry for being sad about it, because it's completely understandable. I know I am not showing it as much, but I truly am devastated."

"You are?"

Angel nodded, "I know that it's harder for you… this baby was inside you and you have that whole nurturing side that makes you feel like you failed- even though you didn't. But this was my baby too and I am mourning the fact that it's gone. So many times I have wanted to just say 'Stop, I'm *sad*! Can the world just take a break so I can be angry and cry and get all these emotions out?', but I can't, of course. The world has to go on and I hate having to deal with it when I want to pay respect to this life we created by taking the time to grieve. But I can't. Jacob needs someone to take care of him."

"And I didn't pay attention to that… to him. I just pouted and neglected my son," Buffy sighed.

"No, you didn't. He had me. Sure, he missed you, but he was taken care of."

"Why do I get to be the one who gets to escape and be sad?"

"Because I think that as sad as I am… your pain is greater, and it's more important to me to let you have this time and try to go through the motions despite what I feel," Angel answered.

Buffy reached up and touched his face, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," he smiled, kissing the palm of her hand.

Tears welled in her eyes again as Buffy said, "I just feel like this is devastating… I lost a baby… I can never be happy again… it's impossible. But then Jacob comes in here and he makes me happy… and I feel horrible because my baby is dead and I'm happy."

"Baby, you can always love this baby and mourn it… but you can be happy too. I know right now it seems unfathomable, but in time it will happen. The pain will always be there in the back of your mind, but I promise you… I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world," Angel swore to her, "Even if it kills me."

"Will you hold me?" she asked, after silently thinking about his words for a few seconds.

Angel smiled, "Of course."

Buffy rolled back over so she was facing Jacob, letting Angel lie on his side behind her so he was spooning her back. He placed a gentle kiss on her cheek as the two of them watched their son sleep, amazed once again at what a little miracle he was. Despite the fact that they were both feeling their loss immensely, they knew one thing.

They were truly blessed.

The End

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