However, as much as she always enjoyed being with the ones she'd loved, when they'd finally started leaving, with Giles being the last to reluctantly go, Buffy had felt great relief. It wasn't that she wasn't happy to see them... she was just rather confused at the moment. She could tell how truly ecstatic they were that she was back… but she just couldn't feel the same. Buffy wasn't exactly sad to be alive… but being dead had been nice. Peaceful... relaxing… and she wouldn't have minded staying there.

Still, she was needed here, so she just had to get back in the swing of things and then everything would be the same as before. Hopefully.

"I'm so glad you're back," Dawn's voice interrupted her thoughts. She opened her eyes and found her younger sister standing in front of her, a tender smile on her face. "When I thought that I would never see you again… never even get to be annoyed at you for bossing me around… I couldn't bear it. I really didn't know how I could ever move on."

"It doesn't matter now, Dawnie… I'm back." Buffy reassured her, forcing herself to be strong, unfaltering, everything Dawn needed her to be. Her sister had been the reason she had kept it together when her mother had died, and she would be the reason Buffy would do it now.

"Are you tired?"

"A little bit. Maybe we should both go to bed."

"That sounds like a good idea. If you feel up to it, maybe we can do lots of stuff tomorrow. I'm starting school soon, so we can go shopping and out to lunch and stuff."

"It's a date," she smiled as the two walked up the stairs. A day with Dawn could be just what she needed.

At Dawn's insistence, Buffy had allowed her to assist in putting her pajamas on and brushing her hair before the younger girl went to her own room, with one last lingering look at her sister. Buffy hoped that everyone would stop marveling that she was back soon or it would likely push her over the edge.

Apparently death really was a great rest, because Buffy found she couldn't sleep. Instead, she stared at the ceiling for a good half hour before breaking the silence.

"Are you just going to sit out there and watch me all night? I'm bored, so you can come in if you want."

Spike sheepishly climbed through Buffy's partially open window and put his hands in his pockets, giving her an unintentionally charming smile. "Guess you sensed me, eh?"

Buffy nodded, "The whole time. You know, you'd better be careful, because that was such an Angel thing to do."

"I'm nothing like that ponce!" Spike said defensively.

"I don't know, lurking in the shadows..."

"Bloody Hell," he muttered.

She smiled, "As long as you don't make sitting outside my window a regular occurrence, I won't say anything to anybody."

Spike wondered if she didn't know about all the nights he loitered in her yard… or just didn't care... but he felt like such a loser after being caught this time that he would never try it again.

Wonderful, now he was using Dawn's vocabulary.

"So… were you just hanging out to make sure I didn't disappear into thin air?"

"Come on, Slayer, you know very well that we're all so relieved to see you, we can't quite believe you're here for real."

She sighed and nodded, "But I am. I'm not planning on vanishing."

"Wishing you would, though?" he conjectured.

Buffy frowned; he always had been so damn perceptive. "It's not that I don't want to be here as much as I just liked being there. It's hard to explain. I love Dawn and I don't want her… or anyone else… to be sad … I just can't get excited about being alive again."

"You probably won't believe me, but I do know how you feel, Luv."

She looked up at him, *really* looked at him, and realized he was telling the truth. She nodded, "You probably do. Angel used to talk about how he wished he could have just died and been at peace, in his more melancholy moments. I don't know why, but I never figured you would feel the same, but it does make sense. I guess you just seemed to have so much fun."

Spike nodded, "Yeah, but it can be lonely. And we all get tired of it all. Sometimes you just gotta wonder why you couldn't have just died so you could be able to finally rest."

"So what do you do?"

"You make living worth it. I spent a little bit of time where you were. Not very long at all… but enough to still remember the tranquility of it. You'll never find that here... I can't promise you that it will ever be better here… but it can be good enough." Spike told her, sitting down at the foot of the bed. When Buffy didn't comment on that, he smiled. Perhaps they really could be friends now.

"God, who would have thought you would be the one to relate to me."

"Well, if the poof were here, you two would probably be relating like crazy. Along with the crying and kissing and all that other stuff I hate to think about."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "But he's not here."

"You mad about that?"

She shrugged, "He has his own life in LA."

"If it were me, I'd be back here, no matter what."

"Well, other than your new lurking habit, you're not Angel."

"It's not a habit!" Spike said defensively, garnering a chuckle from Buffy.

"So… what do you want to do?"

"Do you really have to ask?" he replied, waggling his eyes suggestively.

Buffy grinned, "Do I?"

Spike was disconcerted by her reply. "I was kidding."

"I know."

"And so were you."

"I was?"

"Bloody Hell woman! Would you stop doing that?" he hissed at her.

"I'm sorry," she smiled.

"So... you *were* serious?"

Buffy considered being coy and asking him what he thought, but figured he might not care about the chip and just strangle her.

"Yes."

Spike stared at her incredulously for a long moment before deciding that she must not be messing with him. There was no trace of a smile or even an amused look on her face. She just looked at him with honesty.

"You're just saying it because you wish Angel were here and he's not so you want to use me to punish him or be his stand in or something."

Buffy shook her head, "I'm saying it because I feel very strange right now, but being with *you* right *now* sounds very appealing to me. I'm not proposing marriage or anything. Just sex."

Just sex. Spike didn't allow himself any illusions of Buffy declaring her love for him while in the throes of passion. It wouldn't happen. Despite the fact that he wasn't at the point to honestly *know* she would never love him… he could admit that the odds weren't in his favor. This would be just sex to her. He would be making love to Buffy while she sought sexual release. Could he live with that?

One glance at her illustrious eyes, shining hair and slim legs clad in only short cotton pajama bottoms and he knew the answer.

Abso-freaking-lutely.

Buffy patted the bed beside her. "I don't bite. Then again, maybe you wish I would."

The look on his face as Spike eagerly shrugged out of his duster and crawled up the bed until he was half-laying beside her said it all. He would love anything she chose to do to him. That knowledge was a double-edged sword for her. On one hand, she had ultimate power over him. Despite the fact that his chip made him unable to harm her, Spike was still this being with incredible power… and he was willingly giving it all up to her. Yet on the other hand, she was terrified. She liked to be in control, but control also meant responsibility. Buffy knew that by doing this, if... but most likely *when* Spike got his heart broken, it would be her fault.

So she went with the thrill of the power, as well as her lust. Six months earlier, she would have never admitted it… but Spike was damn sexy.

Not willing to relinquish her control and ask Spike to make the first move, Buffy rolled to her side next to him, placing her hand on his chest before leaning over and gingerly covering his lips with her own.

While Spike was ready to let her run the show, he wasn't about to sit idly by while she had all the fun... or more of it, anyway. His mouth opened and invited Buffy's tongue to enter. She accepted, eagerly sucking his tongue into her own mouth as her hand moved down under the hem of his shirt and began stroking the contours of his muscular chest. Spike was smaller than both Riley and Angel, but every single inch of him was firm.

Especially a certain part of him that was poking her thigh as she slung her leg over his hip. Spike had moved onto his side as well, so now the two were facing each other. He pulled back for a second to pull his shirt over his head. Buffy began frantically tugging at her tank top as well, but he stopped her, covering her hands with his own before lifting them to his mouth and looking her in the eye as he placed several sensual kisses on her fingers, palms, wrists and the backs of her hands.

Buffy sighed, knowing in the back of her mind that Spike was sort of controlling things now… but she was enjoying it too much to care.

Once he was satisfied with her hands, Spike released them before moving his own to her small waist and slowly pulling the hem of her tank top over her abdomen. Instead of pulling it completely off, however, he nudged her to roll over onto her back and moved over her, placing kisses over her heated flesh. Patience had never been one of his virtues, but he wasn't about to fool himself into thinking this would be something Buffy would allow to be repeated. He may have just one chance, and he was going to enjoy it.

Buffy happily resigned to letting Spike take the lead... as long as she liked what he was doing. And in this case, she certainly did. As her top inched up more and more, so did Spike's kisses, and Buffy's fingers found their way to his short platinum hair. Before long, he was pulling the fabric over her breasts... Spike gulped as he found them just as he'd imagined… just as Warren had made the robot's. Absolutely perfect… not too big, not too small, just full and soft and just right for her body. He knew if they spent a thousand nights like this, he could never get enough of her.

Buffy whimpered needfully, arching her back up slightly. Spike heeded her, lowering his mouth to the valley between her breasts, placing wet kisses there for a moment before moving over to one of her hardened nipples. She gasped, clutching the sheets and curling her toes as Spike took turns working his magic on both of her distended peaks, suckling, licking and gently nibbling.

As he moved on, kissing a trail over her breastbone and shoulder to the side of her neck, his hands found their way to the waistband of her shorts, pushing them down as best he could from his position. Their lips met once again and all the could focus on was that contact between them.

Buffy's hands lightly scratched his back, leaving her mark and driving Spike wild. He thrust against her, letting her feel just how much he wanted her. As they both became overcome with need, she bent her legs at the knees, opening herself up more.

Spike was the first to see that this wasn't working and reluctantly extricated himself from her warm embrace. He once again hooked his hands in her shorts and this time successfully removed them, along with her panties. Kneeling on the bed, he couldn't help but stare down in wonder at the girl lying before him. Buffy, his precious beloved… in all her naked glory.

Not content to just stay still and be stared at, Buffy sat up and started working on Spike's pants, managing to unbutton and unzip them, but nothing else from his position. Eager to move on as well, he got off the bed, tugged off his boots, and slid his jeans down his legs. Buffy smiled as she saw he wore no underwear.

Before he had a chance to climb back on the bed, she reached out and gripped his penis firmly. She glided her hand up his length until she reached the crown, twisting her wrist and opening her hand so her palm rested on it's head. She slowly caressed it, moving her hand back and forth first, then in a circular motion, before gripping him once again and sliding her hand back down his shaft. Spike gasped and he closed his eyes, lifting his face as she repeated this action. As much as he made fun of Soldier Boy and the Poof... one of them had done a great job of teaching her how to please a man, most likely the former. With just a few touches of her hand, Spike was as hard as a rock.

Luckily for him, Buffy wasn't satisfied with that. She put her hands on his hips and pulled him closer as she sat on the edge of the bed, her face level with his cock. As Spike watched in awe as she teased the head with her tongue, occasionally encasing it with her mouth as her hand never ceased it's up and down strokes on his erection. Wanting to drive him as wild as possible, Buffy used her free hand to caress his testicles.

All of a sudden she stopped and then stroked her pointer and middle finger over the strip of skin behind his balls. She gave him her most innocent look before she explained, "I once read in Cosmo that this is *the* most erotic spot on a man."

Evidently, she was right because Spike found himself fearing that this would be over before it even started and that wasn't something he could bear. Loathingly he pulled away and put his hands on her shoulders, pushing her onto her back on the bed.

Deciding to return the favor, he fell to his knees in front of her and immediately moved his mouth to her lower lips, placing soft, teasing kisses until he heeded her whimpers and dipped his tongue into her center. As his mouth found her distended nubbin, he moved his fingers inside her, first one, and then after he was sure she was ready, a second. Buffy's head moved from side to side as she clutched the back of Spike's head, whimpering and moaning while his tongue teased her clit and his fingers stroked her inner walls.

She was so close... Almost there... and then he pulled away.

"What?" she gasped, lifting her head and looking at him.

He just gave her a smirk before joining her on the bed. Buffy pinned him with her body, straddling his waist and rubbing her wet center against his abs. As Spike groaned, she grinned devilishly and lowered herself onto his penis.

She took a moment to allow herself to get accustomed to having him inside her. After all, it had been almost ten months since she had last done this… and her body had gone through death and resurrection during that time. However, when Spike simply laid beneath her, idly stroking her hips and the swell at the top of her buttocks, she was a little surprised. Despite his constant declarations of love, she had figured him more for the hard-and-fast type.

Slowly, Buffy began moving her hips in a circular motion, resting her hands in his chest. Spike left his hands at her hips, not trying to move her, just going with the flow. Things started to get more passionate and Buffy leaned back, now using his legs for leverage. Spike stared at her swaying breasts, thrusting up into her and now using his hands to help lift Buffy's hips.

Buffy moved one of her hands down to her center and began to stroke her clit. Within seconds, her muscles were clenching tightly around Spike as she exploded in orgasm, all the while moaning his name. He clenched his teeth and tried to hold on to every bit of control he possessed, but it was no use. This was something he had dreamed of for so long, never thinking it would ever really happen. He was with the woman he loved... and the sex was amazing.

Spike soon joined her, spilling his seed in her warm depths, calling out Buffy's name as well, just barely remembering to keep his voice somewhat low so as not to wake Dawn.

As they calmed, they both moved to lay side by site with their heads on the pillows, not saying anything to one another. Buffy had enough of a war going on in her head. A tiny little voice was screaming at her that what she had done was wrong... but thankfully, there was a much louder one that was telling the other one to shut the hell up. She was single, an adult... and Spike was a great lover.

Still, she started to freak out. What did this mean now? Was this a one night thing? Did he expect more? Did she *want* more? Buffy had just gotten back from the dead... was she really ready for a relationship? Especially a *Buffy* relationship... those always ended with the guy leaving and a brokenhearted slayer. Could she handle Spike leaving her too?

Buffy sat up, hugging her knees to her chest as she stared straight ahead, trying to close herself off physically as well as emotionally. Spike could only hurt her if she left him into her heart.

All of a sudden, she felt a hand running across the small of her back and turned to find Spike smiling up at her... and she knew with that look that he knew exactly what she was thinking. This wasn't at all what she was used to. With Riley, he'd been hurt, sometimes he would try and stop her from withdrawing... but he'd never had this attitude that he knew what she was up to... and was cool with it.

"You're not going to run away, are you?" She asked quietly.

"Of course not."

"Not even if I shut you out… you're going to stay there, and be in my face until I either let you in… or you can tell I really don't want to."

"You know me so well, Pet."

"Well, you're nothing if not persistent," she sighed, looking at the wall in front of her again before laying back down beside him.

"You know, Luv… I get scared too. I've been hurt and sometimes I do think it's easier just to never love again because if you don't love, you don't get hurt. But you need love, you really do. It's like blood... or food, for you humans. A necessity to live."

"Actually, we humans need blood too," Buffy pointed out. "Just not to eat."

"Whatever," Spike continued, "I'm just saying that you can put up a wall and refuse to let anybody in, but if you do that, you aren't really living."

Buffy looked back at her relationship with Riley and knew Spike was right. She'd loved him, but she hadn't loved him as much as she could have. And she hadn't *given* him the love he had deserved. She had held back and they'd both suffered for it.

"I learned a lesson from what happened with Riley. I can't let the pain I felt after I broke up with Angel make me keep everyone at a distance," she admitted, then added, "But that doesn't mean I love you."

"I know that," he replied quietly.

Buffy sought his hand with her own and gave it a tight squeeze. "It also doesn't mean I couldn't come to love you. Give me time?"

"I have all the time in the world, Luv," Spike said, trying not to grin. Sure, she wasn't promising to return his feelings... but she was giving him hope... something he hadn't had twenty-four hours earlier.

Buffy yawned, finally tired, and asked, "Want to spend the night?"

"I couldn't think of a place I would rather be," he answered honestly, "But let me fix the shades."

She smiled as she watched his nude form, lit only by the moonlight, get out of the bed and cross to the windows to secure the blinds, leaving the room in near pitch-blackness. Once he had rejoined her, she placed a light kiss on his mouth before they both settled in for the night.

When Buffy was almost asleep, Spike chuckled.

"You know, that night at the Bronze when you told me you could squeeze me until I popped like… champagne, I believe it was… you weren't lying, Baby."

Buffy frowned and she opened her eyes. "What *are* you talking about?"

The End

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