destructo-girl.com

"Healing"

Author: Pamela
Contact: destructo-girl@cox.net

"Xander, calm down!"

"Giles, you just told me that Angel brought Buffy back and now she's a *vampire*! I think I have a right to be a bit upset!" Xander argued on the other end of the telephone.

"I understand that." Giles sighed, running a hand through his hair as he watched Buffy sitting at the table in the library through the office window. "But Buffy needs us right now, and that's more important than letting you have a fit about something you can't help. Right now you must focus on helping your friend."

"She's not my friend!" Xander hissed. "Have you forgotten that when a person becomes a vampire that person dies and a *demon* takes over their body?! Buffy's dead, and you are alone with a monster!"

Giles took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Xander, she has her soul. There have been several occasions on which a slayer has been turned, and every time their soul remained intact."

"Their humanity… it's so strong that they cannot lose their soul. However, every instance in which this has occurred has ended with the slayer killing themselves. I don't want that to happen to Buffy, do you?"

"Then please meet me at my place in half an hour. Your friend has been through quite an ordeal and she needs us to support her." Giles said. "Also, could you call Willow? And perhaps Cordelia, if you think she could be of help."

"I'll call them both. Cordy can give us a ride." Xander replied. "Why are we meeting at your place and not the library?"

"I'll feel better being somewhere that Angel can't walk into freely and I don't think that this is a good time to bring Buffy to her house."

After Giles said goodbye to the boy, he walked slowly back to Buffy in the middle of the library.

"Xander… I kind of heard you on the phone… vamp hearing and all… he doesn't consider me his friend anymore, does he?"

"Oh, Buffy… he was confused. He didn't know that you still had your soul. But as soon as I explained it to him, he was completely willing to help you." Giles assured her.

"Oh, Buffy… I failed you. I am supposed to be your guardian and under my watch you were kidnapped… and God knows what else that bastard has done to you."

Giles smiled sadly. "Rationally, I know that. Rationally, don't you know that there was no way you could stop Angel from doing this to you?"

Giles held out his hand. "Let's go to my place. Everyone will be meeting us there soon."

Seeing Buffy's apprehension at facing her friends, Giles knew he had to reassure her.

"Buffy, we've all been so worried… they will be so relieved to see you again… and it won't make a difference to them that Angel changed you- they love you. Have faith in that."

Feeling a bit better, Buffy granted him a smile before taking his offered hand and standing up.

Xander stood impatiently outside Giles' door. He'd gotten off the telephone with the watcher a short half-hour earlier, but it had felt like days. He was very anxious to see his friend; both relieved to have her back and nervous about how things were changed.

Beside him stood Willow, silent with contemplation. Xander was sure that vampire or not, Buffy was still her best friend. On the other side of her was Oz, saying nothing, just holding his girlfriend's hand. Xander wasn't sure what he was thinking… he never was.

Standing behind them was Cordelia. She'd spent the entire time complaining about being called out of bed in the middle of the night, telling them they were lucky they were on summer break or else she would have been *really* upset.

"Hi Giles." Willow replied while the two other male teens nodded at the librarian.

"Could we go inside? It's humid out here and ruining my hair!" Cordelia complained.

Giles stepped aside and let them inside the apartment. Xander led the way and was the first to see Buffy standing awkwardly in the living room, waiting to be reunited with her friends. As soon as Willow came up behind him and saw their friend, she rushed over to her and pulled her into a fierce hug.

For a few seconds, Buffy was overwhelmed. She had expected all of them to stand around and gawk at her. She'd never dreamed they'd want to touch her. Slowly, she wrapped her arms around her friend and buried her head in Willow's shoulder, letting herself go.

As Willow and Buffy stood in the center of the room, both now crying, everyone else settled. Cordelia and Xander sat on the couch, while Oz made himself comfortable in a chair and Giles paced.

After a few moments, the girls calmed and Willow led her friend to sit on the other couch. Giles handed them tissues, just glad to be able to do something useful.

"What are we here for anyway? Please tell me you didn't drag me out of bed so we could watch Buffy and Willow have a Sally Jesse reunion." Cordelia complained.

"Cordy, we've all been worried about Buffy... it's just nice to see her again… see that she's all right." Xander replied, surprising Buffy. He'd been so standoffish and silent that she had figured he was against her completely.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Well, it's obvious she's not! Look at her… Buffy, you look like Hell. I mean she just spent a month with a homicidal maniac… who knows what he did to her besides kill her and make her a bloodsucking citizen."

Buffy looked down, knowing that they all had questions as to what exactly happened but unsure of how she could tell them. She wasn't even positive that she could.

"I think Xander just meant that we missed her and we all wanted to be able to see her now that she's home safe, which she is." Giles told them, giving them a small reassuring smile.

Willow patted Buffy's knee. "It'll be okay Buffy. We'll buy your 'food' and everything so that you don't have to go out at night. We won't let him hurt you again."

"I don't get it. Buffy's the slayer, she can kick his ass if he tries to mess with her." Cordelia responded.

Buffy shook her head. "I'm his childe. His newly turned childe. Angel is much stronger than I am now. But… he's bored with me. It's why he dumped me with Giles. I don't think he'll mess with me."

"Not that I'm not glad he didn't... but if he wanted to get rid of you, why didn't he just kill you?" Oz asked.

"He's right. We must assume that Angel is still playing games with you, Buffy. For the time being it will probably be best if you avoid contact with him." Giles sighed.

"Hey… don't worry Buff... it's going to be okay. You're with the Scooby Gang now… there's nothing that we can't beat." Xander told Buffy, giving her his trademark goofy smile.

"The sun will be up in a few hours, are you going to take Buffy to her house?" Willow asked Giles.

"More than anything… but not like this… she wouldn't accept me like this… and I'd like to just end things with her thinking I am dead or whatever. I can't deal with her rejection right now."

"Oh please." Cordelia interrupted. "Buffy couldn't even tell her she killed vampires, can you imagine her mother's reaction to the fact that she's one of them? *So* not cool."

"Why don't we all go get some rest? Buffy can sleep in my bed for now, I will take the couch."

Xander nodded, trying to be helpful as well. "Yeah… we could do that… what's your favorite type of blood?"

The idea of drinking blood disgusted *her*; her friends would be completely revolted by it.

"When I first woke up after he turned me." She replied shamefully. "Five days ago."

"What?" Giles gasped as everyone looked at her in surprise. She had to be starving.

Cordelia wrinkled her nose. "Jeez… not only are you a vampire but you're anorexic now too?"

"For us, yeah. But *you* are a vampire. Vampire's drink blood." Cordelia informed her.

"What kind of blood did he give you?" Willow asked, putting her hand on Buffy's shoulder.

"Cow's blood." She told them. "I… tried not to, but he reminded me that I eat beef and it's no big deal… it just was so tempting… I couldn't resist. But I swear I don't want human blood. I've never been tempted to bite any of you!"

"We know that, Buffy." Giles informed her. "Why don't Xander, Oz and I go get some blood for Buffy from a butcher?"

Buffy opened her mouth to protest, but Giles pointed his finger at her warningly.

"Buffy, I just want you to know… whatever he did to you… however he hurt you… it wasn't your fault, and talking about it will probably make you feel better." Willow told her friend.

"Not now… but sooner or later you'll want to get it out. It'll start to weigh on you, and I know right now it's a truth that you hate, that you want to keep to yourself because if other people know about it then it's reality, but after a while it will rot inside you... and telling will make you feel better." Cordelia spoke up, surprising the other two with her sympathy. "When you get to that point, Willow and I want you to know we'll share the burden with you."

Buffy nodded, giving her a small smile. She'd forgotten how good it was to have friends supporting her. They were the only way she would survive this.

Angel put his hand to the glass that separated him from his childe as he watched her deep in slumber. There was a small balcony with french doors leading onto it from Giles' bedroom. The balcony was covered, so it didn't allow much sun through the doors, so the shades were not drawn. It provided the perfect spot for Angel to spy on the woman he was so obsessed with every night.

It had been a week since he'd abandoned her, the longest week of his attenuated life. His days were consumed with thoughts of her... what she might be doing… what they would be doing if she were there… how long it would be before he got her back. And he would, he was sure of it. She was by no means back to her normal self, but she was getting there. She would have her moments where she would smile, truly smile… whenever Willow gushed about something sweet Oz had said to her or whenever Xander told a joke that wasn't completely obnoxious.

There were also times that she would get a far off look in her eyes and he would know she was thinking of him. He spent a good part of the night watching her through the windows of Giles' apartment. Much to his chagrin, she was rarely left alone. He had considered going to the door and getting her to talk to him… perhaps invite him in- that could come in handy at a later time- but she was never alone for a decent amount of time.

She never left. Angel realized that they must know how obsessed with her he was. That was a bit unnerving... Yer, pleasing that they didn't underestimate him. Regardless of their extra precautions, however, he would capture his lover again.

Deciding he better grab a bite to eat before the sun rose, Angel reluctantly left the window, reminding himself he could see her the next night. As he made his way down the trellis, he realized it was probably best that he hadn't had the opportunity to see her. She missed him this way and that was good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. It would just make their reunion after she got better all the sweeter.

Giles awoke in the early morning hours to the sound of Buffy screaming and crying. He jumped off the couch and made his way up the stairs to his bed where she slept, even though she'd tried many times to get him to switch, feeling bad about imposing so much on him.

He found her thrashing about in bed, obviously having a nightmare. She had them nearly every night since her return almost a month earlier. Against his better judgement, he risked being hit by one of her flailing arms as he sat beside her on the bed and pulled her into a sitting position so he could wrap his arms around her as she screamed for the attacker in her dream to stop.

"Buffy... Buffy… wake up, Sweetheart, it's alright." He assured the girl, bringing her out of unconsciousness. He did the same thing every night, calming her until she could go to sleep again.

Slowly, Buffy came awake and found herself in Giles' bed with his arms wrapped around her. She let him rock her and whisper words of comfort as she tried to calm down.

"Not again… not again… never again." She sobbed the nightmare of Angel raping her still fresh in her mind.

"Giles…" she sobbed, then looked at him with pleading eyes, "don't let him hurt me again, please!"

"Who? Angel?" He asked, trying to get the truth out of her, hoping that if he knew exactly what had been haunting her, he could help. Almost every night she would beg Giles to stop whomever from hurting her, and he decided facing the problem might be the only way to stop this. "Buffy, what does Angel do to you in your dreams?"

Tired of keeping the dirty little secret, she confessed. "He rapes me. He rapes me every night in my dreams… and it's worse than when I was really with him. I don't know how but it is!"

Giles hugged her tighter as tears of heartbreak for the girl he loved so much welled in his eyes. "He raped you when you were with him?"

Buffy nodded her head as she sobbed against his chest. Giles closed his eyes as he felt an agony for her build within him. He stroked her back as she cried until her tears ran dry, feeling the pain right with her.

Once she had stopped crying, he still held her. The two of them were silent, just relishing the comfort of the other's presence. Giles spent the time contemplating what was done to her, what that bastard stole from her.... it killed a part of him.

Something good and decent inside of him that said killing another man was wrong. Sure, he had killed plenty of vampires without remorse, but he still believed that killing for any other reason than being a demon was wrong.

This changed him. He wanted Angel dead. Not for the people that he'd killed for food or fun... but for the girl in his arms who was having such a hard time trying to survive after he had played with her like a toy.

"I'm going to kill him for you, Buffy. I'm going to kill him so that you won't have to worry about him harming you ever again." He swore to her.

Buffy looked up at him, terror in her eyes. "No! You can't! Giles, he's much too strong for you, if you go after him you know he'll only kill you... remember what happened after Jenny…"

Buffy began weeping silent tears once more. She was so sick of crying. "Giles… if you won't not do it for yourself… do it for me. I *need* you right now… so badly. Without you I would be dead, I'm sure of it."

Knowing she was right, Giles sighed and held her tighter to him, kissing the top of her head. "I won't... for now. But the second I come up with a plan that will kill him and not put myself at risk… I'm going to kill him for you, Buffy."

Buffy closed her eyes and let the comfort of his arms lull her to sleep. A part of her found his words a relief. Giles wouldn't die and she wouldn't have to live in fear of Angel anymore. However, a part of her was frightened by his words. Angel would be gone.

As much as she hated herself for it, she loved him. Despite all he had done. As she fell asleep, she admonished herself. She was one sick puppy.

Buffy sipped her mug of blood across the table from Giles as he sipped his tea. They had been rather quiet all day.

Buffy was embarrassed and regretted her confession to her watcher. She probably disgusted him. And if he knew that she *still* loved Angel....

Giles wasn't sure what to say to his slayer. He felt so horrible about what had happened to her. It was his duty to keep her safe... and under his watch she had been violated in the most horrible way. How could he ever earn her trust again?

Sighing, he looked at the young girl across from him. She was so young… she had her whole life ahead of her. Correction, she'd *had* her whole life ahead of her. Her youth had been stolen... from the vampires and demons that she had spent the past two years fighting. Angel had stolen the last bit of innocence she'd possessed when he had forced himself upon her, then stolen her life, only to replace it with immortality.

Giles didn't know what to do. He couldn't bear the thought that eighty years from now they would all be gone and Buffy would be alone. Eternity with no friends or family. Who would want that?

Deciding there was nothing he could do about that, he moved on to other issues that he could influence. Like helping her cope with the rape. He could tell that talking with him made her a bit uncomfortable. He could understand that; she was a young girl and he was a man old enough to be her father. Certain topics would be taboo.

Giles cleared his throat, getting Buffy's attention. "I could contact the Watcher's Council and see if perhaps they know if a counselor associated with… knowledge of vampires… nearby."

"Buffy, you've been through some massive trauma, you can't tell me that you have no problems with what that bastard did! For God's sake, you have nightmares every night!"

Buffy looked down. "Giles… it's not something I would be able to talk about with a stranger."

"She knows how to listen." Buffy interrupted, looking up at him. "Even a professional can't make this go away."

"Yes, but a professional can help you with your feelings. With help you can find a way to move past this."

Giles nodded, granting her a small smile. The last thing he wanted to do right then was argue with her. If talking to Willow might take the constant sorrow out of her eyes, he was all for it.

"Whatever you have to tell me, Buffy… just remember I am open minded and accepting. Also, what you say to me stays with me and me alone… unless you *want* me to tell somebody. I love you and you are a wonderful person… no matter what!"

"So... Giles says you need to talk about what happened when you were with Angel so…"

Buffy nodded. "Right. Well… Giles is freaking because I've been having nightmares." Taking a deep breath, she continued. "Angel raped me."

Willow gasped. "Oh God! I thought it might be possible… probable even… but... oh I'm am so sorry, Buffy!"

Willow shed some tears, letting Buffy comfort her, until she remembered that Buffy was the victim here.

"No… no, you've been through major trauma… I'm supposed to be calm and give *you* a shoulder to cry on."

"That's okay, Giles did that for me the other night. I think he can just tell that I might want to talk about how I feel about the whole thing more with a female."

"Oh… okay." Willow nodded. "So… how do you feel Buffy? Like, what is the main emotion you have right now?"

Willow nodded slowly, guilt was normal for rape victims. "What do you feel guilty about?"

Buffy averted her eyes to her lap, hoping Willow really was serious about not telling everyone. If she wasn't, Xander, for one, would flip. "Because… even though he hurt me so much.. by raping me and turning me... I still love him. Because after he raped me a few times, he seemed to feel bad about it or something and then he stopped. And a few weeks later… we made love. It was totally consensual and… wonderful. Well, that part confuses me, but I feel guilty because of all he did to you guys. He's threatened all your lives; he left you all defenseless and worried when he kidnapped me. Because of Angel, Giles has to sleep on his couch, because he insists I get the bed. Because of Angel, Giles also has to get up all the time to comfort me after my nightmares...."

She sighed and shook her head before continuing. "He's done all that and still I love him."

"Oh, Buffy, it's perfectly normal. There is something called Stockholm Syndrome where a victim develops a bond with their captor. As an instinctual device to survive, they empathize with the person who is threatening their life. This 'love' you have for him isn't real love… it's a product of your ordeal."

"Well… I never really told you… but even after Angel lost his soul, I still loved him. I just always wrote it off as loving Angel with a soul and since I still saw his face and heard his voice, I couldn't yet differentiate between the two. Then he kidnapped me and did those things to me and I still thought I was unable to separate… but then he was nice to me. Truly nice and kind Willow. We talked… about anything and everything and it was nice. Like, the way it's supposed to be with a boyfriend. Sure, I couldn't come and go as I pleased, but I wasn't tortured constantly. In fact, the only bad part was I couldn't let you guys know I was okay and I worried if you were all okay."

"But… maybe you're confused, Buffy." Willow replied, not sure what to make of this. She didn't have extensive knowledge about Stockholm Syndrome or how to treat it… she just knew of it.

"Maybe... I don't know. I just know that I fell in love with- and made love to- my rapist. And I have fond memories of doing it. I can't tell you that if Angel showed up at the door right now, I wouldn't go with him if he looked at me with his puppy dog eyes and asked in the right way. I know it's sick. I know he has feelings for me and he hates that... it's like we're… unable to be apart no matter how much we wish we could stay away from each other."

"Well, a person with a dependant personality always needs reassurance for others and wants others to assume responsibility for them..."

Willow shook her head. "No… normally it's not... but when we throw Angel in... it's so unhealthy for both of you to be with each other… yet you still have this... pull. There probably isn't any term for it, but co-dependency is the only thing I can think of."

"So, this is how I am and I better just accept it?" She asked rhetorically, sighing heavily.

Buffy shook her head. "It's been a month, my need to be with him isn't weaker... I ache because we are apart."

Buffy was surprised to find herself feeling much better after her talk with Willow. Despite the fact that she now realized that she could never truly be free of Angel, it was out in the open. She wasn't holding it all inside now… all the pain and guilt. It was as though by saying it to others, she freed herself of it.

Over the next week, her nightmares became less vivid, then disappeared. Giles didn't have to get up and comfort her at all.

It was after that week of vast improvement that Giles agreed to let her patrol with him that night. He didn't let her go alone, but she was outside, in the fresh night air, with a stake firmly in hand.

It was nearly midnight as they got home. They hadn't encountered any vampires, but Buffy was still on a high. Giles hadn't seen her look so happy in a long while.

He fixed himself a nightcap as Buffy changed in the bathroom. As he took his drink into the living room so he could make his bed on the couch, he decided that he ought to look into getting a bigger apartment. Nearly every night, Buffy tried to get him to let her sleep on the couch, but he utterly refused. He wasn't raised that way.

Deciding to grab his pajamas so that Buffy would be able to go straight to bed when she came out- although, he doubted she was tired at all-, he headed up the stairs to retrieve the sleepwear from his dresser.

As he pulled his pajamas out of the bottom drawer, he heard the bathroom door open and Buffy hum as she walked through the living room.

"I'm just grabbing something to sleep in, Buffy. I'll be out of here in just a moment." Giles shouted down to her.

"Take your time." She replied from directly behind him, making him gasp and clutch his chest.

"Well… it's all right." He replied, smiling back at her, so pleased that she was doing so well. "I'm going to… go down to bed."

"No, I mean, *literally* sleep. I'm just… lonely… having someone next to me would be nice… just having you so close. I'd feel safe."

Buffy shrugged. "I feel like something's missing. It would just be nice having you near me. Comfort. I mean, I know it's not orthodox for you and I to share a bed… but who cares? Who even will know? It's not a sexual thing." She told him, then sighed. "But if it makes you uncomfortable, I understand."

Giles shook his head and smiled warmly at the girl. "No… if it's all right with you then it shall be all right with me too."

Angel gracefully climbed the trellis, looking forward to seeing the beauty of his lover in the night. He'd watched as she'd gone out patrolling, making sure that no vampires crossed her path. She probably didn't realize she was weaker now, and he didn't want her getting hurt. When she and Giles had gotten home, he had gotten a bite to eat, then headed to the watcher's place to spy on his childe once more before settling in for the day.

When he peered through the glass and saw Buffy and Giles in bed *together* he almost lost it. How dare she fuck another man?! How dare Giles fuck her?! She was supposed to be like a daughter to him! Angel burned with anger as images of the two of them in the throes of passion invaded his mind.

He had thought that by leaving her with Giles, he didn't need to worry about her being faithful to him. He had figured the older man wouldn't leave her the opportunity to be with any boys. Angel had never dreamed that the librarian would take advantage of his young charge.

Buffy smiled serenely as she closed her eyes and felt a cool summer breeze brush against her face as she sat on a swing in the park. Giles had a meeting in the morning, due to school starting in a few weeks, so he had allowed her to stay out late to patrol. He knew she probably wouldn't encounter any vampires, but getting out of the house was good for her.

Angel had been pleased with the perfect opportunity to get Buffy back. He had watched her for quite a while, looking for a good opportunity to grab her, knowing she very well might not want to come home.

Currently she was sitting on a swing in the park, surrounded only by slides, a jungle gym and grass. However, her guard was down and Angel knew it was his chance.

Hearing a crackling noise, Buffy opened her eyes. When she found Angel standing before her, peering down at her with an eerie smile, she gasped.

Angel moved over to her quickly and slid his hands around her waist. "You don't want that. Don't tell me you didn't miss me Baby… I missed you."

Buffy opened her mouth and tried to deny it, but couldn't seem to work up the nerve to lie. So when he dipped his head down and captured her lips in a searing kiss, she didn't object.

Buffy warred inwardly, part of her wanting to go back to Giles' and part of her wanting to be with Angel.

When her sire gently tugged her towards his car by the hand, her decision was made for her.