"Second Chances"
Author: Pamela
Contact: destructo-girl@cox.net
Notes: I find it hard to believe that after what happened with Angel and
Parker, Buffy wouldn't have issues when it came to sex. So now I get to do
things MY way!
"O ye gods, Render me worthy of this noble wife!"
Seeing his girlfriend's yawn, Riley smiled and closed the book. "What do you say we call it a night?"
"I'm sorry." Buffy replied apologetically. "It's so sweet of you to help me study… it's just your voice… it makes me feel safe… and comfy."
He beamed down at her. "It's quite all right. Anyway, I suppose reading Shakespeare can make *anyone* sleepy."
"I can't believe you're spending your night off reading to me… you're wonderful." She replied, grinning at him.
"Oh, I'd do anything for you." Riley murmured as he dipped his head down and kissed her tenderly.
Buffy moaned and slipped her tongue inside his mouth. As she lay back against the pillows on Riley's bed, she pulled him down with her, her hands stroking his back.
After a moment, Riley broke away to get some much needed air and Buffy took the opportunity to pepper kisses along his jaw. His hand explored her side, reaching beneath the hem of her shirt and sliding under the soft blue cotton and roaming up over her stomach. Riley's large hand caressed her firm breast and squeezed it gently and captured her lips in another passion filled kiss.
Buffy closed her eyes and moaned, letting the feelings take over. He awoke a part of her she had forgotten existed. A part of her that had remained buried since.... Angel. Against her will, memories began flooding back to her... she and Angel and their one night of passion, waking up alone, his harsh words and then having so many unrealistic hopes that Parker would give her what she craved.
Reality hit her like a ton of bricks. Every time she had sex, it turned out badly. Very badly. Disastrously badly. What she and Riley had was wonderful... he was the only other guy besides Angel that made her feel completely loved… and happy. But sex… sex ruined good things… if she and Riley were to… she'd end up heartbroken.
"No!"
"What?" Riley, asked, pulling back and looking down at Buffy in surprise.
"I can't do this… it's a bad idea." She told him, sitting up and running her hand through her hair.
Riley frowned; something else was definitely going on here. He wanted to ask her about it, to get her to open up, but if he did so right then, she might jump to the conclusion he just wanted to sleep with her.
"Okay… we'll stop… that's perfectly fine."
Buffy nodded as she took deep breaths and tried to calm down, her gaze focused on the lines that patterned Riley's bedspread. Inside, her mind was at war… a part of her was saying that it was insane to worry. Riley wasn't just with her to get laid, and he wasn't going to lose his soul. He would be there for her, tomorrow, and the next day… he wouldn't abandon her. Yet another part said that she was not meant to have a happy relationship… and sex led to pain. It wasn't rational, but it didn't matter.
"Do you want to talk?" Riley asked, looking down at her in concern. She looked… petrified. He felt horrible; hurting Buffy was the last thing he wanted to do.
"Not right now… I'm really tired, I need to get home and get some sleep." Buffy replied in a strained voice as she got up from the bed.
Riley got up from his side of the bed, deciding the best course of action was just to leave things be for the night. Maybe after a night's rest, she'd feel like talking to him. "Okay, I'll walk you home."
Buffy shook her head. "No, it's okay… I can take care of myself."
Riley gave her a small smile. "I know you can… but I still worry, and I still won't feel right just letting you go home in the dark all by yourself at one in the morning. Humor me?"
"Please, Riley… I really would like some time to myself… I need to figure things out." She pleaded as she opened his bedroom door and walked down the hallway towards the stairs.
"So that you and I can talk about them really soon?" he asked hopefully as he followed her down the stairs.
She nodded. "Yeah… I just need to figure it out myself before I can begin to try to explain it to you."
Riley sighed. "All right… just… be careful… I do worry about you. And also, if you need anything… to talk or anything at all… you call me."
Buffy smiled up at him. "I will."
"I'll see you soon." he replied.
She stood on her tip-toes and gave him a chaste kiss. "Of course… bye."
Riley bid her farewell then watched her retreating figure until she disappeared into the night before shutting the door, an overwhelming feeling of dread overcoming him. It was like Buffy was closing herself off. Riley had no idea why or how to stop her… but he had to do something.
He walked back up to his room and quickly changed for bed, all the while trying to think of a way to get Buffy to open up. Lying in bed, he stared at the ceiling as if it held all the answers. Eventually, he fell asleep, still lacking any answers. He just prayed he wouldn't lose her.
"You came in really late last night." Willow commented with a smile as she watched her best friend brush through her long blonde hair.
"Yeah." Buffy replied, not returning the smile.
Willow frowned, Buffy had been quiet all morning. "Is something wrong? Did you and Riley have a fight?"
"No, everything's fine." Buffy assured her, giving her a fake smile that even Willow saw right through.
"What happened?"
Buffy sighed and put her brush down. "I have a class to get to."
"Buffy…" Willow began to argue, but was interrupted by the shrill sound of the phone ringing.
Buffy looked down at it in absolute horror… as if it might jump up and bite her. "I have to leave... Now."
"Fine, I'll see you in Psych later." Willow replied, shaking her head at the her friend's strange behavior as she watched her rush out the door before picking up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey Willow… is Buffy there?"
"Riley." Willow replied, realizing this is what Buffy had probably been afraid of. "No, she's not… in fact, she just ran out of the room to get to her class in twenty minutes… which she usually takes five minutes to get to."
"That's odd…" Riley commented from his end of the line.
"Very… but Buffy has been pretty odd all morning. Kind of… upset."
"Upset?" Riley replied, worried. Upset was not good. He hated the thought that he might have caused Buffy any pain
"Uh huh..." Willow answered, able to tell by his voice that he had a lot more insight on Buffy's behavior right now than she did. "Riley, what's going on?"
"I… I'm not sure Willow."
"Well, Buffy was fine before she went over to study with you last night, and now she looks… not fine. So obviously whatever happened to make her Somber Buffy happened when she was either going to Lowell House, at Lowell house, or coming home from Lowell house."
Riley sighed, rubbing his forehead in frustration. "I know what happened that upset her, but I don't know *why* it upset her, exactly."
"Riley, I *told* you not to hurt her! She doesn't need this! God, Buffy was so happy… it seemed like everything was finally falling into place for her!" Willow sighed.
"Is she mad at me? Has she… said anything?"
"No, and that's the problem… usually she does tell me if someone made her mad or something... it's like she's pushing me away."
"Why would she do that?" Riley asked.
"I don't know…" Willow told him, trying to figure it all out in her head. She really needed to talk to Buffy about this before she could tell Riley what was going on. "Maybe she's not mad at you or me… maybe she's just tired or something. She'll probably be happy, normal Buffy in Psych."
"Yeah." Riley agreed, both of them knowing that neither of them really thought it would happen.
"Okay, well, I guess I will see you at eleven, in class." Willow told him.
"Yeah… bye."
"Bye Riley." She told him before hanging up the phone, all her anger at him dissipated. She knew that whatever was bothering Buffy wasn't Riley's fault; he was hating the fact that Buffy was unhappy right now.
If she could only fix it!
Since they'd enjoyed Psych 101 so much, Buffy and Willow had decided to take 102 for the Spring Semester. Actually, Willow had been the really gung-ho one; Buffy had been reluctant until Willow had informed her that Riley would be the TA for the eleven a.m. course on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
It was about a month into the Spring semester and everything was going great. Every Tuesday and Thursday after class, the three of them all had lunch together and Willow got to smile proudly at seeing her friend so happy. It had been a long time since she'd seen Buffy glow the way she did when she was around Riley. There were times that all the sadness from all the horrible things Buffy had witnessed and experienced were totally untraceable by her eyes. Willow had never thought that she'd see Buffy like that again. Which was why she was going to make sure Buffy got through whatever issue she had so that she and Riley could continue seeing each other and being blissful.
Confident that she could complete such a feat, she looked down at Riley who was seated behind a smaller desk beside Walsh's and gave him a nod and a smile, trying to reassure him. He didn't look too well, with papers sitting in front of him that Willow presumed he was supposed to be grading… but he was far too distracted. There was no doubt in her mind what he was focused on instead.
If there had been, as soon as she saw the petite blonde enter the auditorium and make a beeline for her seat, Willow would have known Riley was worried about Buffy. He looked over at her, trying to make eye contact, as if pleading with her to smile at him, wave, anything.
But instead, Buffy quickly took her seat beside Willow and dug through her satchel, as if trying to find something very important. Willow knew her better, though and was not at all surprised to see her wait until Walsh had joined them and was about to begin her lecture before Buffy pulled out her notebook and pen and sat ready to take notes.
Deciding that if she sat here and studied Buffy for an hour and a half, she would not only drive herself crazy, but end up a chapter behind, Willow went ahead and focused on Walsh.
Buffy almost sighed in relief as Willow took her focus off of her. It was hard enough concentrating on the lecture, while avoiding looking at Riley, without being under Willow's close scrutiny. Luckily, Riley seemed to be too busy grading papers to even know she was in the room. Apparently, when she had come in and felt his gaze upon her, she had only been imagining it. Probably just part of her own... insanity.
A part of her wished she could just be invisible… because after this was lunch time and that would require her to sit and eat with them and because of last night, Riley would want to talk and she could tell Willow would want to talk… and she really didn't want to talk.
Yet another part wanted to be held in Riley's arms, wanted to cry and spill all her secrets about every agony, every disappointment she had experienced in her life. She wanted to lose herself in him.
But that just couldn't be. This was reality. If she told Riley all about her life... Well, she didn't know what would happen, but the thought terrified her, so she couldn't do it.
Riley realized that he'd been staring at the same worksheet for the past fifteen minutes. When the professor had come in and begun her lecture, he'd done well at first, completing probably about ten papers. But then he had glanced up as a force of habit. Call it the Psych major in him, he just liked to look at the faces of the students as they sat through Walsh's lectures.
Unfortunately, it was because of that habit that he'd looked up and seen Buffy. She hadn't noticed him, yet she didn't look as she usually did during class. It appeared that she was trying very hard to not think about anything besides chapter three. He had immediately looked back down at the papers before him, not wanting her to see him staring at her, but could no longer think about anything besides her.
Riley was startled out of his musing when everyone began laughing. Apparently the professor had a made a joke. He automatically looked up… just as Buffy turned her head his way… and their eyes met...
Buffy was just starting to relax when Walsh had made the crack about comparing the behavior of men to that of dogs. She, along with everyone else laughed out loud and her gaze strayed from where it had been steadily fixed on the teacher, over to Riley… just as he looked up. Their eyes met and it was as though everyone else disappeared from the room. The twenty feet between them were like nothing; there was no one except Riley and Buffy.
Buffy felt a pain in her chest as she realized how much he meant to her. She loved having him in her life. But it would never work out. That was the way it always worked for her.
Her eyes moved to her lap as tears sprang to her eyes against her will. Buffy prayed Riley wasn't looking, because she was sure that he would notice Willow trying to be discreet about handing her a tissue to wipe her eyes and try to the erase the evidence. Buffy was surprised but grateful that Willow had noticed. She felt a strange sort of security having her friend at her side, and it was enough to stop herself from crying any more.
With renewed will, Buffy looked back over at Walsh and once again focused on the lesson. Before she knew it, the professor was wrapping things up and it was time to go. Time for lunch. Lunch with Riley.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I am starving." Willow said, deciding not to bring up Buffy's crying until later, when they were alone.
"I'm not hungry at all. I don't feel so well." Buffy replied.
Willow looked closely at her friend and put her hand on her forehead. "You don't feel warm. You're probably actually hungry and your stomach hurts because it's so empty." She assured her, knowing very well that the real reason Buffy didn't feel so well was currently in a discussion with Professor Walsh.
"I think I need to do lie down for a while. I'll see you later." Buffy called as she rushed down the stairs and out of the room.
Willow looked to where she had seen Riley standing and saw Walsh talking to some other students. A moment later, Riley emerged from Walsh's office and looked at the witch standing alone.
Riley shot Willow a bewildered look. Not knowing what to say, Willow simply shrugged her shoulders and sighed sadly. She could tell her best friend was in pain… and she *hated* that. Unfortunately, she wasn't sure that there was anything she could do to help her.
"Willow… is Buffy mad at me or something?" he asked in a quiet voice as he stood in front of her.
"She didn't say she was… did you do something to make her mad?"
Riley quickly analyzed the events of the night before for the tenth time that day before shaking his head. "I didn't… and the last time I saw her, she wasn't mad at me."
"I don't know… I should really stay out of this… it's between you two.
"Please, Willow… if you don't want to help *me*, help Buffy by helping me save our relationship."
Willow whimpered. "But… I'm not your accomplice."
Riley sighed and looked at her with complete and utter desperation on his face. "Willow… I.. really really care about Buffy. I feel very deeply for her… and the thought of her breaking up with me… I can't bear the thought of her not being in my life!"
"It's wrong… Buffy's my best friend… she wouldn't want me telling you her secrets."
"So you know what's wrong?"
Willow shook her head. "No… but I'm her best friend. I'm sure she will tell me."
"Willow, I am begging you… you know I would never hurt Buffy intentionally… you know I adore her. And… I try to make her happy… bring a smile to her face every day… couldn't you think of it less as talking behind her back and more as us working together to save her from herself?"
Willow bit her lip. This was hard! On one hand was her loyalty to Buffy. Talking to Riley without her knowledge or consent was really betraying her trust. But on the other hand, would betraying her trust ultimately help Buffy?
When she got to her dorm room after completing her classes for the day, Willow found Buffy lying on her stomach on the bed, staring blankly at the wall closest to her bed. Sighing sadly, the redhead set her bag down on her desk chair and sat on the edge of her bed, facing Buffy.
"Please don't ask me to tell you what's wrong." Buffy pleaded dully.
Willow couldn't stop the smile from tugging at the corners of her mouth. "If I didn't ask, I wouldn't be your bestest pal. So spill. What happened with Riley?"
Buffy turned her head and looked over at her. "How do you know something happened with Riley?"
"Oh… well, you were fine before you went over to his place last night, then mopey girl this morning. Plus, you *cried* in class today! So… call it a hunch, but I'm thinking you have man trouble. Do I need to curse him to be… covered in warts or something?"
Willow got her desired effect when Buffy granted her a small smile. "It's not Riley… it's me. I just… can't do this…"
"Can't do what?" Willow asked.
"Have a relationship."
"Why not?"
"Last night… Riley and I… we almost… had sex… but I had this memory of Angel and I, and… I froze up."
The witch frowned. "Is he pressuring you?! I'll kill him!"
"No, no… it's nothing like that. He was totally understanding guy… it just made me realize that I am not meant to ever have that perfect relationship."
"What? That makes no sense."
"It makes perfect sense, Willow. I want a normal relationship, but I am not a normal girl... And after last night, I see this will never work. Riley is a great guy, and he will make some girl happy someday… but I can only hurt him."
Willow looked at her best friend incredulously. "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! You can't possibly think…"
"Willow, please… I don't need this from you right now!" Buffy begged, and Willow could tell by the way her voice was cracking that she was near tears. "Please… don't argue with me right now… I need supportive friend."
Right away, Willow softened and knelt beside Buffy's bed to caress her back soothingly. "I'm trying to Buffy… I just think that Riley makes you so happy and I can tell he worships you… I have no reason not to believe that the only thing that will come of you calling it quits is hurting the both of you. It doesn't make sense to me."
Her eyes brimming with tears, she made on last plea. "It makes sense to me. Please… just accept it?"
"I just want you to know that I am inwardly warring, and my conscience is calling me a traitor for doing this."
Riley smiled gratefully and nodded at Willow. "I know… and I don't like having to ask you… but I think this is a special circumstance."
"It is." she agreed, taking a deep breath.
"It is?" he bit his lip. "What's happening?"
"Okay… Buffy told me what happened… pretty much… last night. It sort of triggered a reaction in her. You see, I know you know about Angel.. that Buffy loved him a lot, but the vampire thing was a major obstacle. But… you don't know the whole story, and that has a lot to do with why Buffy is wigging right now. However… I think *she* needs to be the one to tell you."
"So… what do we do?"
"Okay, I've been thinking about this a lot… trying to sort of figure out exactly the problem so that I could then find the solution and plot ways to… fix this." Willow told him, taking a sip of her mocha latte.
Riley nodded. "Okay… so far I am following…"
"Good.. I am thinking that the problem is that Buffy is… apprehensive about getting close to you because the last time that happened her heart was ripped to shreds. The solution, is for her to open up to you, tell you the whole story.. and to have you not freak out and still want to be with her. To reassure her that you won't… do the same thing."
"And you're sure I won't?" Riley asked, not knowing what the thing he wouldn't do was.
"No way… and if you did, I would get Anya to help me cast some really horrific spell on you."
"O-kayyyy." Definitely sounded like something really horrible. He'd never do anything horrible to Buffy.
"Anyhow… I think the way we get her to open up is first and foremost for you not to give up just because she pushes you away. She's having a hard enough time doing it now. If you don't make it easy… she might give this up."
"Okay… so how should we do this without getting me charged with stalking."
"Well…" Willow began, swirling her straw in her mug. "if Buffy were to… go somewhere and I were to just happen to call you and mention where she was going and you were to happen to end up there too… well that would be a lovely coincidence that might help your case."
Riley leaned forward on his elbows on his table as a smile spread across his face. Time to plot some attacks in Operation Buffy.
"Wow." Willow remarked as she entered her dorm room. She was genuinely impressed by the vase holding a dozen multi-colored roses that sat on Buffy's desk.
"Yeah." Buffy replied dully from where she sat with her back against her headboard of her bed.
"Riley send them?" the redhead asked, knowing very well he had indeed been the one. After all, it was she he had asked the night before if it was a good idea.
Buffy nodded slightly, her eyes not leaving the flowers. Willow noticed with dismay that her friend was looking at them in the most peculiar way. Sort of fearful, yet questioning, as though they held the answers to the secrets of the universe.
Or at the very least, what she was going to do about Riley.
"Well, that was very nice of him." Willow commented. "It's pretty obvious that he still feels for you… and he's not going to give up without a fight."
Buffy turned and looked at her strangely, causing Willow to shrug and smile self-consciously, as if to say she hadn't heard Riley tell her that very thing the night before.
"Well he will give up, eventually. Because I don't back down when I am right… and I *am* right."
An idea struck Willow as she sat on the edge of her bed, facing Buffy. "Did it ever occur to you that you are treating Riley just as Angel treated you when he decided *for* you that things wouldn't work and he went to LA?"
Buffy was taken aback and felt tears burn in her eyes. "Angel did that because he loved me so much. It was the best thing for me, even if it doesn't make me happy."
"First of all, Buffy, Angel did that so that you could be with someone like Riley." Willow argued. "And second, don't you remember how angry you felt that he deemed you incapable of making a huge decision like that for yourself? How can you do that to Riley?"
"How can you say that?! You know that I hate hurting him! It's for his own good, because my relationships always end up in heart-breaking agony!"
"But don't you think you owe it to Riley to tell him that? To tell him *why* you feel that way, even if you don't want to give him a chance to try to make it work? Doesn't he deserve to know that you aren't dumping him because there is something wrong with him?"
Buffy sighed softly and looked down in her lap. "He deserves a lot of things."
Willow immediately softened and moved to sit beside her friend. "He deserves you, Buffy. He deserves the chance to make you happy. Maybe you should take the night and think about this… not just about whether or not you think it will work… but if you can be brave enough to be fair to him."
Buffy nodded. "Yeah… I guess. I'm gonna… go to the library. Maybe I can get started on my History paper."
"Sounds like a wise idea." Willow replied, nodding with encouragement.
As soon as her friend had gathered up a notebook and trudged out the door, Willow rushed over to the phone. She had scheming to do.
Buffy stared sadly at the couple seated at the table next to hers in the Sunnydale University library. They'd already been there before she'd sat down fifteen minutes earlier with all the books she'd found on the Civil War for her report. Despite several attempts at focusing on the words in the book to take notes, Buffy had watched them kiss and giggle at the sweet words they whispered in one another's ears.
A voice in her head nagged that if she would only not be chicken-shit, she and Riley could be just like them. Happy… in love… together. But another voice reminded her that they might be like that for a while, but eventually all that would be left was pain and misery. Why endure that?
With a determined sigh, Buffy looked down at the book and tried to absorb the words on the page. Perhaps reading about the thousands of deaths of Americans would help get her into the Buffy + Riley= tragedy mindset.
Half hiding behind a bookcase in the fiction section, Riley watched an obviously distracted Buffy attempt to work on her paper. Willow had called him right after her friend left, letting him know where Buffy would be. It was now up to him to "run into" her.
For a moment, he considered trying to talk one of his friends that Buffy wouldn't know into sitting down next to her and being a pest so that he could be her savior and interrupt... but it was definitely ridiculous. Besides, he could handle her just fine all by himself.
Summoning up all his confidence, Riley stepped out from the small aisle and headed over to Buffy, clutching his spiral notebook and textbook that he was extremely grateful he'd remembered to grab before leaving his dorm.
"Buffy, hey! What are you doing here?"
"Shhh!"
Riley turned and gave an apologetic look to the boy who had shushed him for being so loud in the study area before looking back down at his girlfriend.
"Hi… I'm doing research for a paper." Buffy replied in a quiet voice, looking up at him like a deer caught in headlights.
"Oh, right… research... That's a pretty good idea to do it here.. what, with the books and all." Riley replied, immediately feeling like an ass.
"Yeah.." Buffy replied, unable to stop a small smile from curving her lips. She always found it adorable when he was awkward and nervous around her. "This *is* where the books live, after all."
Riley chuckled at her joke. "Mind if I sit here?"
"Of course not." Buffy replied, momentarily forgetting she was supposed to be backing off.
After he sat down, Riley was able to come up with something witty to say to make Buffy laugh and get her to talk with him for the next half hour before they both gave up on studying and gathered up their books before heading to the coffee shop.
With cappuccinos in their hands, the young couple walked slowly down main street, not minding the peaceful silence. Riley felt wonderful, just being with her. He realized he couldn't bear to lose what they had. It was completely new to him to be so… comfortable with someone. Buffy was different than anyone he'd ever met; and he doubted he'd meet anyone like her ever again.
Which is why he decided to take his chances and be direct. "Buffy… do you think we could talk about the other night?"
Reality hit Buffy right in the gut. She'd almost forgotten… but it was something she had to face. Willow was right, she owed Riley *something*.
Taking a deep breath, she nodded her head. "The other night… Riley, you know that I have been through a lot. Like, with Angel. I know you don't have the details… but I got hurt… badly. And I'm not sure that with my luck… if I open myself up like I did before… I won't get burned."
"Buffy, I swear that the last thing in the world I would ever do is hurt you! Please, believe me!" Riley implored.
Buffy looked down at the ground. "I know that, Riley. Sometimes you can care so much about somebody that you would do anything for them, and you'd rather die than cause them a moment of pain… but all you can do is hurt them. That's how my relationships end up. They always have and they always will."
Riley remained silent for a moment, looking deep into her eyes and trying to come up with the right thing to say to make her stop doing this. Buffy was a fighter, she couldn't just quit.
"Buffy… I care so much about you already." He finally told her. "If we were to just swear tonight never to see each other again... I would be in pain. I would go home and miss you and think about the fact that you're so special and I will never meet another girl like you. I would hurt Buffy. Breaking up with you would cause me pain."
Buffy averted his eyes, hoping he couldn't see the tear sliding down her face in the dark. "Then you see what I mean."
Riley shook his head. "No… I don't see why we have to break up and be *in* pain instead of trying to make it work and risking the pain. If we attempt a relationship, it's the only way we stand a chance at not being in pain."
"Riley…" Buffy sighed, rubbing her forehead as she tried to come up with an answer.
"Even if we do get hurt… don't you think it might be worth it? Take your relationship with Angel. I know I don't know what happened, but can you honestly say that you wish you had never met him? I know that he and I are different, incomparable… and I don't want you to compare us. Which is why I don't want you to let your relationship with him scare you out of a relationship with me. You aren't a coward, Buffy… don't start acting like one now." He reasoned, waiting in fearful anticipation for her to reply.
Buffy was torn. Riley's words made sense and she *so* wanted to believe him… but she was scared. Last time she had opened her heart up, it had been ripped out and stomped on. "I'm afraid, Riley. I'm afraid to get hurt again."
"I know." He replied sadly, tentatively wrapping his arms around her, hugging her tighter when she didn't try to pull away. "I think everyone feels a little twinge of fear when they make themselves vulnerable to someone else, and with your past, it's a lot more than a twinge. Rightfully so."
"I know you would never purposely hurt me… but sometimes you can't stop from hurting someone, no matter how hard you try not to." she told him, reciprocating the hug.
"It's worth the risk to me, Buffy." Riley told her, kissing the top of her head.
"I… want to say yes… to risk it… but… then I am scared to just follow my heart and make a rash decision."
Riley nodded. "I understand that. So… don't. Take some time to think about it. Think about it fairly, both sides. Maybe after a few days you can say yes or no with confidence."
"Thank you." she sighed.
Riley pulled back a bit so he could look her in the eyes. "Buffy, if you choose a relationship with me, I don't want you to always be scared. I want you to trust me, and to let yourself be happy."
Buffy smiled sadly up at him. "You're a good guy, Riley."
Grinning, Riley wrapped his arm around her and began walking back towards the school. "I *am* a nice guy… and I make a mean pizza. Keep that in mind when you're making your decision."
Buffy chuckled. "You make pizza?"
"Well… actually, it's more like a great phone call to Dominoes. But you would be *very* impressed."
Laughing, Buffy replied. "Did anyone ever tell you that you're a peculiar guy?"
The next day, Professor Walsh's class was a lot less uncomfortable for Buffy. Riley appeared to be running late that day, and didn't even enter until right before the professor, so all he had a chance to do was smile over at Buffy in her seat next to Willow.
The slayer found it a lot easier to concentrate when she wasn't worried about not noticing Riley and spent the class quickly jotting down notes so that she might be able to pass the first exam in a few weeks. Before she knew it, Walsh was putting her notes in her briefcase and telling them what chapters they needed to read.
"We doing our usual group lunch thing?" Willow asked in a hopeful voice. Buffy had told her how well things had gone the night before and the witch was very optimistic that her friend would decide to give herself a chance at happiness with Riley.
Buffy opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by her stomach growling. The two girls giggled before Buffy replied "Yes, I think food will do me good."
They gathered up their belongings quickly and headed down the stairs to meet up with Riley. The TA was waiting for them with his backpack slung over his shoulder once they reached the bottom step.
"We're all having lunch together." Willow announced proudly, noticing Riley smiled a little brighter at that.
"Oh no!" Buffy said as she moved a hand to her mouth.
Surprised, Willow replied "What?"
"I forgot my essay for English in the dorm." Buffy replied with a frown. "I have class right after lunch."
"Jeez, Buffy… I think you gave us both heart attacks." Riley teased.
"I'm sorry." Buffy smiled sweetly at him. "Do you two want to go get your food now while there are still free tables and I can go grab my essay and catch up with you?"
"Sure… if you want." Riley nodded.
"I want." She said, giving him a quick kiss before walking towards the door. "I'll see you guys in a few."
"Well, things seem to be going very well." Willow remarked with a grin.
"Yeah… she seemed happy last night when she got home?" Riley asked as they walked out the doors and headed towards the cafeteria.
"Yeah, a little quiet… but a better quiet than she has been while she was Avoiding Girl. Last night she was Contemplative Girl."
"Happy Contemplative Girl?" He asked hopefully.
Willow chuckled. "Yeah… not so happy that I was nauseated… but Buffy barely ever is *that* happy."
"Well, I'm sorry Willow."
"Hmm?" she asked, confused about what Riley was apologizing for.
"Well.. if I have my way… Buffy will be as happy as humanly possible... You're going to be *very* sick."
"Well… considering how much she deserves to be blissful for the rest of her life… I'll let it slide. But you *better* keep your promise, Finn." Willow teased as she walked through the door to the cafeteria.
Riley grinned down at her. "Oh, I intend to, Rosenberg."
They quickly selected their lunches and sat down at a table where they would be able to see Buffy come in. Riley took a bite out of his pizza and noticed Willow looking at him expectantly.
"What?" he asked, setting the pizza down.
"What happened last night?!" Willow exclaimed, exasperated that he didn't already know.
"Well… we talked. She opened up and told me how she is scared of getting hurt and I pleaded my case that this time can be different if she gives it a chance… and she does appear to be considering it."
"Oh, that's so good!" Willow squealed. "And I got another idea!"
"What?" Riley asked, anxious to hear it.
"Okay, well it looks like Buffy is right on the verge of giving you two a chance.. so I think just one more little push could really help."
"And how would we do that?"
Willow grinned and bounced in her seat. "You could pick a nice spot in Weatherly Park to set up a picnic… since you both love picnics… anyway, you could set it all up and I could call Buffy and tell her I needed help or something!"
"Are you sure she wouldn't get mad?"
"Nah… she might be a little miffed at first… but we know what's best for her."
Buffy stood, open mouthed, a few feet away. She'd hurried back down to the cafeteria, intent on dropping her bag off at the table so her hands could be free while she grabbed lunch… and overheard Willow and Riley plotting to trick her into showing up at the park for a secret picnic.
Her best friend and her boyfriend… behind her back.
Buffy was stunned… no words could come out of her mouth. She never would have expected the secrets she told either of them to be shared. It didn't matter that what she told Riley she probably would have told Willow… they betrayed her.
Riley was the first to notice her standing a few yards away, a look of disbelief clouding her face as her eyes moved from her best friend to her boyfriend.
"Buffy?" he asked, hoping she hadn't heard what she'd probably heard.
Willow's head whipped around to see Buffy start to shake her head… as though denying the fact that they were actually doing this. The slayer took a small step backwards… trying to distance herself from them. Riley stood up and took a step towards her, his hand out, hoping she would take it and let him talk to her.
Buffy wasn't going for it, though, and instead twisted around and began rushing out of the cafeteria.
"Buffy wait!" Riley called after her, unsure of whether to chase her or give her space.
"Just stay here." Willow ordered him before getting up and racing after her friend.
Riley wanted to go after her himself, but he figured that Willow *was* her best friend and ought to know better than he did about what to do around Buffy. So, he sat at the table and waited, praying he hadn't royally screwed things up too much this time.
"Buffy!" Willow called as she spotted her friend rushing down the walkway, heading back towards their dorm. "Buffy stop!"
Buffy pretended not to hear her as she rushed to her dorm room. Unfortunately, the tears in her eyes were blurring her vision.
Willow managed to catch her friend and grabbed her arm. "Buffy please just listen to me!"
"No!" Buffy screamed, not caring that people were stopping to look as she jerked her arm away. "I don't need to hear anything you have to say! Now leave me alone!"
Willow couldn't recall ever seeing Buffy look so angry with her. Stunned, she stood still in the middle of the sidewalk, watching as Buffy marched back to the dorm.
This was *so* not good.
Willow took a deep breath as she stood outside her dorm room. She'd decided to give Buffy some cooling off time, going back to Riley in the cafeteria after Buffy told her to leave her alone.
The young commando looked even worse than before when Buffy hadn't been speaking to him. Their conspiring had seemed to be for a good cause and they'd been guilt free until they saw the look on her face. The utter shock and pain found there was something neither of them would never forget, no matter how hard they tried.
After lunch, Willow had gone to her biology class, then studied in the library, reluctant to confront Buffy. But it was almost six and she really needed some meal tickets for dinner… so she had to be brave.
Slowly, she opened the door, half-expecting to find Buffy standing there with her most evil glare on her face, ready for a battle.
Instead, she found nothing. The room looked untouched. Both beds were made, there was nothing on the floor, everything was in place. For a moment, she wondered if Buffy had even been there… until she noticed Buffy's big duffel bag wasn't hanging on the hook on her closet door.
Looking more closely, Willow realized Buffy had taken some clothes, toiletries and Mr. Gordo. Stunned, she whirled around and rushed towards the phone… planning on calling *someone*, she just wasn't sure who. Yet.
Just as she hurried over to it, the phone began ringing. She picked it up on the second ring and, out of breath, answered. "Hello?"
"Willow… it's Riley… is Buffy there?"
"No." she sighed sadly.
"Really? Or are you just saying she's not there because she told you to?"
"She's not here, Riley… I just got back and she's gone and she took some stuff with her!"
"What? Well, do you know where she went?"
"No.. she didn't leave a note or anything." Willow replied, trying to think of where she might be and praying she hadn't run away again. "Listen, I'm going to go look for her… I can check Giles' and her mom's."
"Can I come with you?" Riley pleaded, obviously very worried about Buffy.
"No.. that's a *bad* idea, Riley. She's already pissed at us for going behind her back… we can't do that anymore. Now, I know that you're a great guy and I will do everything in my best friend power to get her to be with you… but we cannot plot to do stuff to get you two time together… and pretend it's a mere coincidence. It's not fair to her, even if we do have the best intentions."
"I know." Riley conceded on his end. "Just… when you find her, give me a call.. just let me know she's okay? Please?"
"I'll do that." Willow promised in a quiet voice before saying goodbye and hanging up.
Grabbing her coat, she headed back out the door to search for her best friend.
"Buffy.. you know you are welcome in my home any time… but I really don't see why you wouldn't prefer your dorm room." Giles remarked to the blonde girl curled up on his couch as he looked through his bookcase for a spellbook he'd been meaning to check out.
"I don't want to be *there* because *there* I have a little spy pretending to be my friend, lying to me to put me in certain situations against my will."
Giles sighed, having heard Buffy's tale of what Willow and Riley had done a few hours earlier when Buffy had arrived with luggage. "I know, Buffy… and I can understand your feelings of betrayal, but you know they meant you no harm."
"I'm an adult, Giles… I can make my own decisions. If I want to break up with Riley, I should be able to do so without Willow going behind my back and plotting to trick me into seeing him."
"Are you sure you're not blowing this out of proportion? Do you even know that this wasn't the first time they considered doing this? It sounds rather innocent… not unlike tricking a friend to give them a surprise party."
"It's wrong if that friend *really* didn't want to be anywhere near someone at that party!" Buffy argued.
"Buffy, I thought you wanted to be with Riley? You told me you two had a rough spot, but you were working it out… Willow probably assumed that by sending you off to this surprise picnic, she was arranging a rendezvous with your boyfriend." Giles reasoned.
"I'm not talking about *that*, Giles! I'm talking about last night when I was studying and I just happened to run into Riley at the library!"
"You were studying?" Giles asked, stunned.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Off topic, okay?"
"Yes, well, as I told you before, there is such a thing as coincidence."
"You told me that when I was saying there was something fishy about Faith… and who was wrong there?"
Giles sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Why don't you just talk to *them* about this? You can't stay mad forever."
Buffy just shot him a look and crossed her arms over her chest. Before he could continue to try to persuade her to be reasonable, there was a knock at the door.
"Willow!" he greeted as he saw the frazzled redhead on the other side of the threshold.
"Have you heard from Buffy?"
Giles gave her a supportive smile and gestured for her to enter.
She did so and found an angry looking Buffy on the couch. "Oh thank God, I was so worried!"
"What, no Riley with you? Oh, I guess you two made your secret plots before you came looking for me."
"I'm going… outside." Giles told the two girls, knowing they didn't hear him, but not caring. He just wanted to get away.
"Buffy I am *so* sorry… I can see why you're so mad and I didn't even think of it until after… I just wanted to make you happy again."
Buffy looked away so that she couldn't be influenced by Willow's sad face. "You made me feel like I can't share any secrets with you without worrying that you're just going to go give Riley all the details. He's… my maybe boyfriend… but that doesn't mean he has to know all."
"I know that… and, I didn't tell him everything… I mean, when you first… freaked.. I did tell him that it was because of your history, but I gave no details because that is something *you* need to tell him, and I understand that. And, I think you can see now that it wasn't the best thing to push him away… so I did help him 'run into' you… but it *was* just to help. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust."
Buffy nodded and sighed, tears welling in her eyes. "I know you didn't want to do that to me… that your ends justified your means… but I just… flipped out. You're my best friend, Willow… you know all my secrets…and not only do I not want just anyone to know… but if Riley knew them… I would feel… so open.. so… unshielded. Like, he could hurt me really easily."
"Buffy, I swear to you, Riley really doesn't know anymore about you than he did last Monday night."
Buffy nodded. "I believe you."
"Do you think you might forgive me?" Willow asked, giving her a hopeful smile.
Buffy chuckled. "I can't stay mad at you."
Willow squealed and practically jumped in the blonde's lap to give her a tight hug.
Once the girls stopped giggling, Willow bit her bottom lip and gave her friend and tentative look. "Not to push it… but do you think you'll be forgiving Riley sometime soon too? He really is trying to be the best guy in the world."
Buffy nodded and gave her a small smile. "That is… unless he has already written me off as a lost cause."
"Not even close… he called just after I realized you had gone and I was in a panic... He was so worried. Made me promise to call him when I found you.. just to tell him if you were okay."
"So… maybe I should call him myself and let him know that I am of the breathing?"
Willow shrugged and grinned. "Where did Giles go?"
"Outside or something… I think we scared him away." Buffy replied with a giggle as she stood up and walked over to Giles' phone.
"I'll go find him." Willow told her, heading out the door with intent to let Buffy be alone while she talked to Riley.
Buffy quickly dialed the number, half hoping he wasn't there so she could just leave a message on his machine and avoid the awkwardness that was sure to come.
However, Riley picked up halfway through the first ring, obviously waiting for a certain call. "Hello?"
"Riley."
"Buffy! Oh, God… are you okay? Where are you? I'm so sorry!"
Buffy smiled. "I'm fine… Willow just found me at Giles… we had a talk… and I've cooled down. It's kind of sweet what you guys were doing, I guess."
"It was wrong, going behind your back like that."
"A little… but I forgive you."
"So… you're not wishing death on me?" Riley joked, unmistakably relieved.
"Not yet..." Buffy replied with a laugh.
"Are you almost ready to go, Buffy?"
"Yeah, just gotta decide on the shoes… do you like the strappy flats or the platforms better?" Buffy replied, biting her lip in concentration.
"Hmmm… normally for a party with dancing and all that, I would say the flats… but since Riley insists that he can't dance and you can only drag him out for one or two slow dances… the platforms would work.. I'd go with those. It will give you a little help with the massive height difference." Willow advised.
Buffy nodded her approval and slipped on the platforms. "I am very familiar with the massive height difference… being 5'3 helps."
Willow laughed as she stood up from where she had been sitting on the edge of her bed, watching Buffy finish getting ready for the big party at Lowell House. Together, the two girls headed out the door and over to the fraternity for a wild and crazy Friday night blowout.
It was the night after Buffy had gone to Giles' and things were falling back into place. Willow was a bit paranoid about things looking like she had talked to Riley behind Buffy's back, but other than her insisting she hadn't even when she wasn't asked... All was back to normal.
As soon as the girls arrived, Riley greeted them and was pleased to find Buffy giving him a quick hug and kiss. He too, was a little worried that Buffy might be still upset… but she seemed to be the only one forgetting about the whole ordeal.
After an hour of sitting, drinking and mingling with others, Riley took a bathroom break, the returned to tug Buffy up the stairs, telling her he had a surprise for her. With most guys, Buffy would worry they were trying to get her into bed, but she trusted Riley. Which made this 'surprise' all the more intriguing.
Walking down the hallway, she was surprised when they didn't go in Riley's door, but instead went into the next room.
"Riley, whose room is this?" Buffy asked as she walked in the door, then gasped when she saw the small table set up in the center of the room that was lit only by candles.
"It's Forrest's… I thought if I took you to my room, it would give you the wrong impression. So.. we're in his room.. so that we can have privacy, but that's all."
"This is so beautiful." She told him, her eyes filling with tears as emotion overcame her.
"You like it? Really?" Riley asked, uncertain.
Buffy nodded and buried her head against his chest as she wrapped her arms around him. "Yes! It's the sweetest thing ever!"
Riley grinned proudly as he returned the hug and kissed the top of her head. "I'm glad you like."
"What does Forrest think of you using his room?"
Riley shrugged. "He's spending the night in LA… I'll clean it up before he gets back tomorrow morning."
Buffy let him sit her down and began eating the 'romantic' macaroni and cheese he had actually made them. They sat there for well over an hour, talking about everything from the demon Riley had caught the week before to how adorable he found it when she fell asleep in psych class.
The topic drifted of their relationship came up, and Riley decided that since everything was going so well, he might as well try to get her to open up. "Buffy… you know you can tell me anything… anything at all. It won't change how I feel about you."
Buffy nodded and looked down. She just wanted to… forget… just for a night. She just wanted to be a normal nineteen year old with her normal twenty-two year old boyfriend… to have a good time and be happy, not think about her baggage.
"Or it might… might make me admire you more than I already do. I know that you're a remarkable girl, Buffy… and whatever this truth is… it was a hard thing for you to go through… I suspect if you ever choose to share it with me, I will respect you even more for surviving it."
Buffy felt claustrophobic. The idea of telling Riley the truth scared her. She had to get away from him, and fast.
Without thinking, Buffy began to lash out as a way to keep Riley at a distance. "Do you think if I open up to you and share my secrets… we'll be so open and happy and everything will be perfect, and then, oh, we can sleep together and be even more perfect and blissful?"
Caught off guard, Riley was at a loss for words. "I- no, Buffy… I think that by opening up with me, you and I can work on building our relationship. We can go to the next level."
Buffy nodded. "Let me guess, the next level is sex, right? God, I can't believe I didn't see this before! This whole setup, you making me dinner, us having privacy, you being the sensitive guy that cares about the crappy things in my past... It's all to get me in bed, isn't it?"
Riley shook his head. "Never, I would never do that… I care about you, Buffy."
"Oh… right.. well, I may not be the brightest, but I am not a total idiot. You're smoother than him, I'll give you that… but you're just another Parker Abrams."
Something deep inside Riley sparked at the accusation. He *did* care about Buffy. He was sincere about everything he had done. Sure, making love to her sounded wonderful… but he wasn't doing anything at all to make that happen. She had to know him better than that! He was offended at the mere idea.
"That's not true and you know it, Buffy!"
Buffy felt a bit of satisfaction, hearing him begin to retaliate. He was getting mad at her. If he was mad, he wouldn't want to be near her. He wouldn't get close, and therefore couldn't hurt her.
"How can you say that?! I am a lot of things, but I would *never* take advantage of your innocence. I want to protect you… I want to save it!"
"Riley, don't insult me by denying it." She replied with gritted teeth as she stood.
Riley stood as well, looking more and more angry. "I pride myself on treating girls right… and you're insulting me!"
Just at the worst possible moment, Forrest walked into his bedroom, having cut his trip to LA short. With a confused look on his face, he observed the obviously romantic setup with an angry looking Riley standing on one side of the room and Buffy on the other. He couldn't tell if she was scared, sad or angry as well.
"Um.. what's going on?" Forrest asked as he set his bag down beside the door.
The other two remained silent, but Buffy did look at him as Riley shook his head slightly, as if in disbelief, while looking at her.
"Forrest, will you take Buffy home?" Riley finally asked in a strained voice.
"Sure." He replied in surprise.
"Thanks." Riley responded before turning and swiftly leaving the room. A few seconds later, they heard Riley's bedroom door slam.
Buffy moved her hand to her mouth as she stared blankly at the spot where Riley had been standing. She'd gotten what she wanted… so why did it hurt so bad?
"Come on, I'll walk you to your dorm." Forrest told her, walking over to her and putting a hand on her shoulder.
"It's okay… you know I can take care of myself."
Forrest nodded. "I know.. but you're not exactly in a great condition right now… besides, I think a talk with Riley's best friend could do you good."
Buffy let him lead her down the stairs. Luckily most of the guests had left, so there was only a few guys trying to clean up while the two of them walked through the living room and to the door.
Forrest gave her a few moments to think as they walked through the deserted campus in the wee hours of the morning. Deciding that if he left it up to her, she'd never talk, Forrest began to prod.
"So, you want to tell me what you did to piss Riley off? He adores you… scratch that… he *worships* you… so whatever you did must have been major."
"I accused him of being… less than a gentleman." She told him quietly.
Forrest frowned. "Why did you do that? You gotta know it's not true. Riley's.. practically a boy scout."
Buffy nodded and didn't try to stop the tears from streaming down her face. "I know that… I lied… I told him I believed that when I didn't because I was scared."
"Scared?"
"Yeah… I'm scared to let him get that close to me. I'm pretty fucked-up, Forrest."
"Well.. I don't think that matters to Riley. You need to decide if you're going to get over that fear or spend the rest of your life with walls around you. Riley... I think he'll forgive you… but I don't think he's going to be the one pursuing you now… if you want to be with him… *you* are going to have to go to *him*." He told her, hoping she would take his words to heart. He didn't know Buffy well, but from what Riley had gushed about her and the way she had acted the few times they had been around each other… he liked her. She was the perfect girl for his best friend and he didn't want to see their relationship end.
Buffy nodded, noticing that they were standing in front of her building. "Thanks, Forrest… that helps."
"Anytime." He replied, giving her a smile. "You okay now or should I walk you in?"
"I'm fine… Thanks again."
"You got it." He told her as she walked through the entrance to the building and he turned back to head home. Something told him he really didn't need to worry, Buffy's mind had already been made up.
"I brought you a muffin." Willow announced as she walked into the dorm room with a small paper bag in hand. "Blueberry."
"Thanks." Buffy replied with a small smile from her spot on her bed. She was being unsocial girl and had decided that the only way she was leaving the dorm room at all that weekend would be to use the bathroom or if there was a fire.
Willow tossed the bag onto Buffy's nightstand and sank down on her bed, content to listen to the Sarah McLachlan song that was playing softly on the CD player for a few moments.
"Buffy, are you seriously not leaving this room until Monday morning?"
Buffy nodded. "I'm thinking of having some quality moping. But… alone… You can do your… life-having things."
"It's not that, Buffy… I just thought the nice little misery fest we had last night would be enough for you to get it out of your system." Willow suggested to her friend, remembering how they had spent the next several hours after Buffy had gotten home the night before having a good cry and talking about their male troubles.
"I don't ever plan on bouncing back. I don't deserve to find another guy and be happy. I had Riley and he was great. Look what I did."
"Not *had*, Buffy. You *have* Riley, it's just that your pushing him away might cause you to lose him. That is, unless you act now. It's not over unless you allow it to be."
"Why shouldn't I allow it to be, though, Willow? I'm an ass. Riley should have a girl who appreciates him, not one who can't keep her head straight and jerks him around."
"That's true." Willow agreed. "However, you didn't jerk him around because you *could*, you have issues… and I understand that you're afraid. But I also know you, Buffy. You're so brave! Take what happened last night as a lesson. Now you see how much you want Riley. So… be my courageous best friend, and take a chance on him. I think the risk is worth it."
Buffy ran her hands through her hair as she approached Lowell House. She had hardly any make-up on, her hair was totally unstyled and she was wearing an old t-shirt and jeans. Not exactly the best "please forgive me for being so cruel and stupid" look, but Willow had pushed her out the door as soon as Buffy had decided to go see Riley. Oh well, hopefully he would be flattered that she was obviously so upset that she'd let her vanity fall to the wayside.
Taking a calming breath, Buffy rang the doorbell and rehearsed once again in her head what she would say if Riley even agreed to see her.
"Buffy." Graham greeted in his usual quiet voice as he opened the door.
"Hi Graham… is Riley here?" she asked.
"Actually… he just got paged about half an hour ago… so he's working."
"Oh." Buffy replied, her shoulders relaxing a bit as she was half relieved and half disappointed. On one hand, she had more time to be better prepared, but on the other, she had to spend time worrying about if Riley would forgive her or not.
"I'd tell you to come wait for him, but odds are he'll be busy for several hours. You're welcome to come in and hang with us… but something tells me you don't really want to spend your Saturday afternoon sitting around and watching baseball on TV with five guys." Graham told her, giving her a smile.
Buffy returned the smile. "That's okay… maybe I'll come back tomorrow."
Graham nodded. "That should work. Do you want me to tell Riley you came by so that he can give you a call?"
"Uh.. no… if you don't mind… I'd like to surprise him."
"Okay, I won't." he promised. Forrest had filled him in about what had happened the night before, so he was willing to let Buffy have her reconciliation any way she liked. "I'll see you later, Buffy."
"Thanks, Graham. Bye." She responded before turning and heading back home, intent on coming up with the best groveling plan ever.
The knock at his bedroom door interrupted Riley's quality game of throwing his foam ball at the ceiling. Hopefully, whoever it was just had to tell him they were going somewhere. He didn't want Forrest in here, trying to persuade him to play some video game, he didn't want to have to go do some work for Walsh, he didn't want to do anything that didn't involve lying around all day long.
"Come in." he sighed.
The door slowly creaked open and, much to Riley's surprise, Buffy peeked her head in.
"Hi." She said quietly.
Taken aback, Riley quickly sat up. "Um.. Hi."
"Do you mind if we talk?" she asked.
"Sure." He nodded, standing up. "Oh, I mean, sure… I don't mind if we talk, not sure I *do* mind if we talk. Because I don't... mind, that is."
Buffy couldn't help but smile at his stammering as she slipped into the room and shut the door behind her. Riley pulled his desk chair out so that she could sit on it and face him as he sat on the foot of his bed.
Buffy looked up at him, her hazel eyes meeting his blue ones. "I'm so so sorry for the way I treated you."
"Oh, no, I never should have yelled…" Riley interrupted, shaking his head.
"Yes, you should have! I deserved it, Riley. You *are* a great guy and you do always treat me well. I had no right to say that you were anything less than a complete gentleman. And for the record, that is what I believe, what I've always believed." She argued. "I only said it because I was scared."
"What were you scared of?"
"You… I care so much about you and you were trying to make it so easy for me just to… tell you everything. I wanted to… but a little alarm in my head goes off… telling me that if I do tell you… I'm opening myself up to get hurt just like before. That's what scares me."
Riley nodded in understanding, deciding this was not the time to give her psychological mumbo jumbo about how this was completely normal and reasonable. She didn't need that right now.
"That happens with any relationship… not to the same extreme… but part of being involved with someone is giving them the power to hurt you… it goes along with giving them the power to love you."
"I see that now. I realize that I *do* really want to make this work, Riley. I know that this is going to take a lot of courage, but I'm not a coward. So I want to tell you my… my story, I guess."
Riley gave her an bright smiled. "Anytime, day or night. I'm ready to listen, whenever you feel ready."
"Okay, how about this afternoon?" Buffy suggested.
"Huh? I mean.. of course, if you want… I just figured you would want… time… more than a few minutes."
Buffy smiled and but her bottom lip. "Well, I was already planning on telling you this afternoon… if you had decided to give me a chance, that is."
Riley chuckled. "Okay, I'm free."
"How about we have a picnic? I could take care of the food and everything."
"Well, sure… I'd be glad to help." Riley replied.
"Okay!" Buffy stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him to his feet. "Let's go."
Much to Riley's surprise, just outside his bedroom door sat a picnic basket. Buffy picked it up and smiled at him. "Packed it just in case."
The two of them managed to find a nice, quiet, relatively private spot of grass under some trees to lay out the blanket and set out their food. Riley discovered Buffy was actually really great at making sandwiches. He didn't know if the potato salad was actually homemade or store-bought, but he didn't care; it was delicious.
Throughout their meal, the conversation was light, but Riley decided if she really did want to tell him that day, she would bring it up. He wasn't going to push at all. He'd made it clear that she could tell him when she felt ready, and he was sticking with that.
As they began their dessert of fresh strawberries, Buffy drew more quiet. "You know.. Angel once told me that he fell in love with me the first time that he saw me. I didn't know until it was almost two years after I had met him… but he told me he saw me get called, as a Slayer. I was fifteen years old… and *so* different than I am now. I was the popular, shallow, mean girl. He said it just at the time I needed to hear it the most and he made me feel totally loved. I never thought anyone could make me feel that way again… but you, Riley… I think you just might."
Riley gave her a smile and squeezed her hand affectionately, not wanting to speak and risk stopping her from getting this off of her chest.
Buffy took a deep breath. "Let's see… where to start. Well, you know that Angel was my first love.. and he was a real love. It wasn't some silly teenage crush, even though my mother likes to believe that's true. From the moment I met him, even with his crypticness… I was intrigued… attracted. For a few months I didn't even know he was a vampire. When I did, I flipped out, of course… didn't know he was truly good… but when it came down to it, I realized that he was different than other vampires; special. He told me he had a soul, but he still tried to keep me away. I mean, a vampire and a slayer… that's pretty."
"Against all laws of God and man?" Riley interjecting, forgetting his vow of silence.
"Pretty much. Anyway, he tried to make me see how dangerous he could be.. that he was horrible and had hurt so many. But something inside me… I knew he wasn't an animal. I bore my neck to him, tempting him to bite me." she admitted. "Of course, he didn't. He resisted... but it was a stupid thing to do. I tended not to do the most… sane things… when it came to Angel. It was hard; love isn't something you can control. If it was, I never would have wished to love Angel. He's sweet and sensitive and thoughtful… but it's a risky relationship. I've suffered a lot of pain because of it. Although, if I could go back and change anything… I wouldn't. I don't regret falling in love with him. But I digress, we did part ways soon after I found out what he really was. It just… was a very bad idea to even try. Of course, love's funny in that we still ended up together. It was quite a few months later… but we gave up on trying to be apart and accepted the fact that we were what we were and tried to make it work anyway. We were actually doing pretty well… until my seventeenth birthday."
Riley saw a pain and sadness in Buffy's eyes that broke his heart. He had a feeling that whatever she was about to tell him was major.
"Bad stuff was going down… it *was* part of that 'Buffy hates her birthday' streak I mentioned. Basically, Angel and I almost died that night… we admitted our love for the first time… he gave me a ring. It was called a Claddaugh… have you ever heard of it?"
Riley nodded, he'd seen them… noticed them in a store once when a friend of his was buying a gift for his girlfriend a while ago. He liked the idea behind them.
"It was so sweet… how he explained it to me. I wore it with the heart pointed in, because I belonged to him." She sighed as tears streamed down her face. "We made love for the first time that night. It was… magical… the way every girl wishes for her first time to be. But when I woke up the next day… he was gone. I couldn't find him until nightfall… and he told me... he told me…"
As Buffy started to sob, Riley scooted over to her and pulled Buffy into his lap, wrapping his strong arms around her and rocking her. "Buffy if it's too hard, you don't have to… I don't want you to push yourself too hard."
Buffy shook her head and wiped away her tears as her cries slowed. "No… I need to. He told me that I was bad. In bed, that is. He said awful things that ripped me apart… made me never want to get that close to another man again because I didn't want anyone to be able to hurt me like that ever, for the rest of my life."
Riley closed his eyes and kissed the top of her head. It was all clicking into place now. She had gotten burned and now was a little reluctant to get close to the fire... Twice, in fact, thanks to Parker Abrams.
"We found out that he had lost his soul. Remember how I told you that he had gotten a soul when he's killed a gypsy girl and her clan had cursed him? Well, we didn't realize that if he had one moment of true happiness, his soul would be lifted.
"The next few months were Hell. He was always tormenting me. Angel stalked me, left me little gifts in certain places to unnerve me… but I couldn't kill him. He knew all my buttons, and he knew just when to push them. My friends died, and I couldn't kill him. It all came down to a big battle between us at the end of my junior year. He was planning to open the Hellmouth and felt like I was ready to put an end to it. It was then that Willow and I found the spell to give him his soul back. And once we did… it was too late... I had to send him to Hell."
Riley was stunned. He knew that her past had to have been bad… but it was unimaginable that Buffy had been through all that and remained not only sane... But smart and lively and sweet and fun.
"After that… I was numb. I saw all my friends… they'd been put through so much. I felt horrible guilt, and every I closed my eyes, I saw Angel… my Angel's face… right before he was sucked into the portal to Hell. He didn't remember. He didn't understand... He loved me and trusted me, and I was hurting him! I did the only thing I could think of; I left. I went to LA where there was no street corner where I kissed Angel, no ice cream shop that I had gone to with Willow and Xander… no memories of my life here. I didn't come back until that Fall. It took a lot of work… but I earned back everyone's trust and things were… I was surviving. And then Angel came back."
"From Hell?" Riley asked, astounded. He knew that Angel was in LA, but the whole story was so amazing that the fact had escaped him.
Buffy nodded. "I don't know, but… he came back. He was… very weak and he didn't talk much. I kept him a secret, and nursed him back to health. Eventually everyone found out and took it in the most awful way… but we worked through it. Over my senior year of high school, Angel and I were off and on. We were too scared to let things go too far… but we loved each other so much, we had to try and make it work."
Riley knew something has to cause Angel to go to LA, and he was most interested in what that was. "But?"
"But Angel wanted more for me. He wanted someone for me to make love to… for me to be in the sun with… to have children… and he couldn't give that to me. It tore me apart, but he left last May. Right after I graduated from high school. At first I was furious at him… but it was because of my love for him that he got poisoned… the only cure was for him to drain a slayer… and I forced him to drink from me. It helped put things in perspective."
"Whoa… harsh." Riley felt a bit silly saying just that… but to find out that she had allowed a vampire to feed from her… left him a bit shell-shocked.
"Yeah… and I'm figuring you know all about Parker?"
Riley nodded, opting not to tell her what he *did* to Parker… not a good time.
"So, that's basically the story… but I need to tell you something else. I still love Angel. I always will. He was my first love… and even though we broke up… it was because he did something completely unselfish… he just loves me that much. Which makes me love him more. But that doesn't mean I can't fall in love with you too. I think I have a big heart, Riley... and while a part of it will always belong to Angel... I've got another part waiting for someone else. But if you don't want be that someone, I understand. I know that what Angel and I had was pretty big… and it can make someone pretty insecure."
Riley nodded. "It can.... but I don't have any intentions on giving you up any time soon, Buffy Summers. I love you way too much."
Buffy's breath caught in her throat. "You… love me?"
Riley nodded and smiled, before dipping his head down to capture her lips in a passion-filled kiss.
Buffy moaned as Riley pulled her firmly against him as they stood in his bedroom, their tongues entwined in the ageless dance of lovers. Her fingers played with the short hairs at the back of his head as Riley's hands moved up and down over her back to her hips.
It had been almost a week since their afternoon picnic. They'd spent six days being open and completely honest, accepting everything about each other. After a romantic dinner, they'd headed back to Riley's, as per Buffy's suggestion.
Slowly, Buffy's hands moved down to the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head and revealing Riley's muscled chest for her hungry eyes. As she moved her mouth down to lick at his pert male nipples, Riley's hand drifted back down to her waist to gather the material of her dress and begin tugging it up. Growing impatient, he bent down and grabbed the hem, quickly pulling the dress over her head, leaving her clad in only a lavender bra with matching panties.
Riley couldn't help but stop to look at her in wonder. She was so beautiful… so flawless. Buffy, however, didn't have the patience. She quickly knelt before him and undid his jeans, yanking them down his legs so that he stood there in only his boxers.
Taking his hand, Buffy led Riley to the bed and pulled him down beside her. She attacked his lips once more as her small hands explored his chest. Riley reciprocated, his large hands stroking her bare belly and the small of her back.
When his hand moved up and encountered the clasp to her bra, he broke apart before undoing it. "Are you sure, Buffy? Absolutely positive that you want to do this? Just say the word and we'll stop."
Buffy's lips curled in a purely feminine smile. "We better not stop."
Riley chuckled and unclasped the bra, pulling it away quickly and gazing down at her breasts. They were just as he had imagined… and he had imagined a lot. Two full, perfect mounds that he couldn't wait to examine more closely. Rolling Buffy onto her back, Riley settled between her legs and took a handful of the soft flesh in each hand and gently massaged it, using his thumbs to stimulate her nipples into hardness.
Buffy moaned and thrashed on the bed. She couldn't seem to find her voice, so she merely whispered his name.
It was the most erotic thing Riley has ever heard. He pulled one of his hands away and replaced it with his mouth, tenderly sucking and nibbling her erect nipple. Buffy ran her hands through his short hair to the back of his head to firmlu hold him in place.
Riley's other hand snaked down into her panties, encountering wetness as soon as it slipped between her soft folds. Buffy's body jerked in surprise as he ran his finger over her nubbin.
Hearing her desperate moan, Riley knew she was close, so he increased the pressure on her clitoris as he stroked it, nibbled a little harder on her nipple, and squeezed her other breast just a tiny bit more.
Buffy gasped before her body spiraled out of control, shaking violently as her body was overcome with orgasm.
Riley pulled back, kneeling as he watched her head thrash back and forth as she whispered a mantra of his name over and over. As she came down and caught her breath, Buffy was more beautiful than he had ever seen her, a light layer of sweat glistening over her pinkened skin, her lips swollen from their kisses, her blonde hair lying over the pillow like a halo. She was the most perfect creature he had ever encountered. Oh, how he loved this girl.
Buffy slowly floated back to reality as desire once again engulfed her. She wanted Riley right then more than she had ever wanted anything in her life. Opening her eyes, she saw him gazing down at her lovingly. Giving him her best fake pout, she ran her finger down from her collarbone to the valley between her breasts and back up again.
"I need you inside me, Riley… please."
With a pleased smile, Riley quickly removed his boxers and slid her panties down her tanned legs. He positioned himself just outside her entrance and gave her a serious look. "You're sure?"
Buffy nodded and smiled up at him, her eyes filled with tears of happiness. "I love you."
As his heart leapt with joy, Riley slowly encased his hardness in her tightness, cautiously sliding back and forth until he was fully inside her. Their lips met once again as Riley settled himself on top of her while trying not to crush her. He remained still, knowing her sexual experience was limited and the last thing he wanted to do was make this painful for her.
Placing a soft kiss on his lips, Buffy nudged her hips up a bit. Riley pulled back a bit and thrust a bit more forcefully inside her. As their passions grew, they settled into a comfortable groove, softly whispering loving words in each other's ears as they tenderly kissed and moved at their own pace.
Deciding to try something a little different, Riley rolled them so that Buffy was on top. For a moment, she appeared very unsure and Riley realized if she had any experience in this position, it was limited. However, he gave her time… and she soon began rolling her hips in a small circle.
Riley groaned in pleasure and received a big smile from his girlfriend atop him. His hands moved to her hips as his need for release grew more desperate. He helped lift her up, only to slam her back down on him. Riley sat up a bit so that he could capture one of her nipples between his teeth once again.
Buffy cried out as climax overcame her body for the second time that night. Her strong vaginal muscles tightly squeezing his erection was enough to push Riley over the edge and he spilled himself inside her, hoarsely calling her name as he fell back against the pillows with Buffy held tightly in his arms.
Buffy drifted slowly awake, content to keep her eyes closed against the morning sun for a while. The events of the night before slowly came back to her and she opened her eyes, wondering if she was in Riley's bedroom, or if it has all been a dream. Another thought permeated her brain as well... Where was Riley?
As soon as she opened her eyes, all the questions were answered. She was indeed in Riley's room… and Riley… well Riley's chest was actually her pillow. As she grew more aware, she lifted her head and found him smiling down at her.
"Morning."
"Good morning." she replied, giving him a soft kiss.
"How do you feel?" he asked, genuinely concerned.
Buffy grinned at him before she rolled onto her back and stretched. "Glorious."
"Really?"
"Of course... Don't worry… I'm going to try to avoid making you deal with my baggage *too* much."
"Hey!" he argued, rolling onto his stomach so he could look down at her. "I love you. All of you. Which includes your baggage. So get used to it."
Buffy giggled. "I love it when you use that tone with me."
"Oh really?" he replied, waggling his eyebrows.
"Mmm hmm…" she responded, running her nails lightly over his back.
"I guess I should do it more often."
"You should." she whispered, before pulling his head down to kiss him deeply, intent on showing him just how much she liked that tone of voice.
The two dallied on the bed, happy to be young and in love. Their future lay before them… and though there might be pain… they would always have each other to make it a little bit better.
The End