He sat very still on the bench, the moonlight bouncing off his unkempt hair. The small blond sat beside him, speaking a soft, calm voice. Dr. Dana Lavery watched the exchange for the third time this week, the girl trying to coax the young man to leave with her. It always turned out the same way, his eyes would turn wild and he would frantically scramble away from her muttering something about not being deserving of her. She really hadn't meant to eavesdrop but something about these two tore at her heart. She found herself wanting to help this sad young man. She could also tell the young woman's patience was running thin although she always seemed to return to try again.
"I'm being good, aren't I? Quiet as a mouse... " He laughed softly, although mice aren't always quiet are they? Running through the house, up and down the bookcases." He turned to look at the girl next to him, "But I'm being a good mouse?"
Buffy nodded at him, "Yes, Spike. You're quiet, you're a good little mouse." Tears threatened to spill as she took his hand in hers, "Why, don't you let me take you home with me? We can give you a nice warm bath, wash your hair?" She moved one hand to push back an dirty, unruly curl.
Spike jumped back as if her hand was made of fire, "No, no, mustn't go with you, only hurt you, I always hurt the girl."
"You aren't hurting me now." She tried to keep hold of his hand but he pulled it back.
"Don't deserve you." With that he ran away leaving Buffy to sit alone on the bench. She realized last week that it did no good to chase him when he got like this. She sat on the bench alone for several moments before she started home.
The next evening the strange sad man sat alone on the bench as Dana jogged by. He was still alone, the little blonde had not joined him yet. Dana smiled as she passed him, he was unresponsive to the gesture. She suddenly turned around and jogged back towards the bench, she stopped in front of him. "Hello." She said in a kind voice.
Spike stared at her with uncertainty in his eyes, "You aren't Buffy."
"No, I'm not. Is Buffy your friend, the girl that meets you here?" Dana asked him smiling a friendly smile.
He hesitantly nodded, "Yes, Buffy..." Tears filled his eyes,"You aren't her." He repeated.
She cautiously sat down by him, "No, I'm not Buffy. I'm a doctor, Doctor Lavery. I help people, people who are hurting like you are."
"Don't deserve help." Spike pulled the tattered jacket tighter to his thin frame.
"Everyone deserves help. Won't you come with me, let me help you?" Dana reached her hand out to him.
"Don't deserve Buffy's help." He shook his head furiously.
"I'm not Buffy, you can take my help. Please." She lay her hand on his arm, "Please."
"You're not Buffy." Spike looked at the tall woman with the short brown hair, her eyes were blue and full of kindness. Should he take a chance? Buffy kept telling him he needed help, it might make her happy? "I'll go."
"Okay, walk with me to my car and we'll drive to my clinic, we have nice comfy rooms and you can take a bath and be warm and no one will hurt you." Dana stood and smiled at him, "Come on."
Spike followed her to the car a few paces behind.
Buffy was a few minutes late meeting Spike in their usual place, she was worried when he wasn't anywhere near thier bench. She just happened to look up and see his familiar form following a woman in a light blue jogging suit. "Spike." She called to him, but he was getting in the car with the woman. She began to run down the street following the car. Who was the woman and what was she doing with Spike?
She ran to keep up with the car but lost sight of it around a corner. She continued to run down the street hoping to catch sight of Spike.
"Okay, here we are." Dana spoke in a soothing voice, Spike had seemed to be nervous on the trip over, playing with the frayed cuff of his jacket.
"We're here." Spike repeated as Dana opened the door for him and led him into the back door of the clinic.
He followed her into an exam room where she instructed him to sit on an exam table. Pulling out her stethescope she opened Spike's shirt slightly, "This may be cold, I want to check out your heart and vitals." She moved to place the stethescope on his chest when she was interrupted by a small blond blur.
Buffy spotted the car pulling into the parking lot of what looked like a clinic. She ran faster as she watched Spike go into the building. When she could read the sign it said in larger letters, Sunnydale Psychiatric Clinic, Inpatient and Outpatiend Services offered. Dr. Dana Lavery. She barged in the door that Spike had gone in.
"What are you doing to him?" Buffy's voice filled the room, causing Spike to jump.
"Buffy?" He asked from the table.
"Yes, it's me. It's okay, Spike." She smiled at him and patted his shoulder, then turning to Dana she repeated her question,"What are you doing to him?"
"Miss, um.. Buffy? I just wanted to help your friend, Spike is it?" Dana explained, "I'm not going to hurt him, I promise."
"I'm sorry I yelled, it's just that...Spike is special, not your normal patient." Buffy explained as she went to help Spike down from the table.
"Special in the fact that he doesn't breathe?" Dana asked before Buffy could take Spike from the room.
Buffy turned around her eyes wide with shock, "You're mistaken, of course he breathes."
"No, I watched carefully the entire trip, he doesn't breathe and I bet there's no pulse either. He's not entirely human is he?" Dana prodded.
"Dr. Lavery is it? I don't know what you're thinking but I think it's best that I just get Spike out of here." Buffy took Spike's arm.
"Please let me try to help him, I know about special cases like Spike. I practiced in LA, we had some trouble with some creatures trying attacking our vulnerable patients. A man named Wesley helped us with the problem and I learned a bit about things that go bump in the night." Dana walked towards Spike, she put her hand on his other arm and guided him to a chair.
Buffy let Dana put Spike in the chair but kept a close eye on him, "So you know he's not human, and you still want to help him? Why?"
"I help people thats what I do. And he seems like a troubled soul."
"That would be one way to describe him." Buffy sighed as she sat down next to Spike, "Do you really think you can help him?"
Dana looked at the two people - correction one person and one vampire sitting in her exam room. She was quite sure she had never seem two more miserable beings in her life. There was a story between these two she was sure of it. She hoped she could get Buffy to open up and tell her the story, it could go a long way towards helping Spike.
"Buffy, I really do believe I can help him. But I'm going to need your help. First off, he wasn't always like this was he?" Dana moved to stand in front of Spike, "May I look at your chest? I think I have something that might make those cuts feel better."
Spike looked to Buffy first. She nodded at him, "Go ahead, Spike. Let the doctor see. And no mam, he wasn't always like this. It's only been since he got back into town a couple of months ago."
He turned back to Dana and slowly began to unbutton the rest of his shirt. Dana and Buffy both gasped when he finally had the shirt completely undone. The few cuts they had seen were nothing compared to the complete mess his chest and abdomen were.
"Spike." Buffy gasped slowly reaching her hand to touch a partially healed cut.
"No,this is wrong shouldn't be here ." He curled his feet up into the chair underneath him. Looking so forlorn, that Buffy teared up again as she pulled her hand back from him.
Dana watched as the scene on the park bench replayed. Buffy trying to help and Spike pulling back. He didn't seem to want Buffy's help, yet she could tell that Buffy meant something to him, something important. She poured the antisetpic on to a four by four and began to dab at the dried blood. "I just want to clean this up for you okay."
Spike looked at Buffy again for approval, "Yes, please let her fix you up okay?"
"Why?" He asked her as a moment of lucidity passed over him, "Why do you care Buffy?" And then he smiled at her, that small resigned smile he had given her so many times in the past when she had hurt him.
"Because... I care. I don't know... " Her voice cracked slightly.
The moment was gone as quickly as it came, "They say I shouldn't be here, shouldn't get help." Spike put his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Who are they, Spike?" Dana asked looking up from her work on his chest, she nodded to Buffy, "Could you bring me some of that gauze to wrap his chest please?"
Buffy stood and walked to a large storage shelf, she quickly found the gauze and brought it to Dana. "Here, can we take your shirt off?" She asked Spike as she began to pull the ratty shirt off of his shoulders. "I'm going to wrap this around you." She told him each move she was making as she did it. Soon his chest was wrapped in a swath of clean bandage.
"Would you like to get cleaned up some more and then we can get you in a room?" Dana continued to talk to him in a soothing voice as she turned to Buffy again, "How about we fill that basin with warm water and we'll see if we can clean him up?"
Buffy once again obliged the Doctor and watched as she soaked a small towel in the water and washed Spike's face and arms. "Now, who is telling you that you don't belong here?"
"Them... all of them. They are in my head...telling me.. blaming me, don't they know that I know it was all my fault. William is a bad man." Spike told her as she put her hand on his elbow and helped him from the chair. Dana looked at Buffy who had been very quiet through the whole wash up, " Do you know when the voices started? And who is William?"
Buffy walked beside Spike gently holding on to one arm as Dana held the other guiding him to a sparsely furnished room with no window. "William is Spike...well...it's a long story. The voices I think they are voices of his past... of his past victims."
"I've seen him several times in the park, I jog there frequently." Dana pulled back the blankets on the hospital bed, "He never appeared dangerous just very sad and basically out of it. And then I saw him with you several times. I know you want to help him, but I'm going to ask you the same thing you asked me. You know he's not human, you've admitted he had 'victims' in his past. Why do you want to help him?"
"First off, jogging at night in Sunnydale, not a good idea." Buffy shook her head at the doctor, "Spike hasn't had victims for a long time now, he has a chip in his head, he can't hurt humans."
"Chip?" Dana looked incredulous.
"Yes, another long story."
"Let's see if we can get him in bed. Spike do you want to rest now?" Dana led him towards the turned down bed.
"Rest, yes. Can we rest?" Spike looked directly at Buffy as he said the words.
Buffy rubbed watery eyes when she heard those words coming from him again. "Yes, Spike you can rest."
"Would you be more comfortable out of those pants?"
"Dr. Lavery, I should warn you he usually goes commando." Buffy gave a small smile.
"Commando?" Dana raised her eyebrows at Buffy then her eyes got wide as Spike pulled down his jeans revealing that he still opted for the commando look. "Oh, well," Dana quickly reached for a gown, "Here, you can help him with this."
Buffy took the offered gown and helped Spike put it on, she winced when she noticed his legs weren't in much better shape then his chest. "Spike, what have you done?" She whispered as he crawled into the bed as if he were a child being tucked in. She cautiously ran her hand through his hair, "Goodnight."
Dana moved towards the bed, "Spike, this is a call button if you need me just push it. You get some sleep and tomorrow we'll start working on getting you well."
"Yes, mam. I'll be very still and very quiet." He pulled the blanket up around his chin.
Buffy followed the doctor as she turned out the light and left the room. Dana turned to her, "Buffy, it occurs to me that if you knew about Spike's 'commando' preference then you probably know alot more about him that could be helpful. Would you mind coming back tomorrow and filling me in on what might have caused his psychosis?"
"Yes, I could do that. I really want to help, but well...it's complicated. But I'll come back tomorrow. Will he be okay here?" Buffy asked concern heavy in her voice. She chewed on her bottom lip as she debated leaving him alone here.
"Yes, I have room here and I'll check on him. He'll be fine." Dana led her to the back exit and said goodnight. She peeked in Spike's room and he appeared to have fallen asleep already. This was going to be a challenge but one she felt sure she was up too.
Spike closed his eyes very tightly and held himself perfectly still. He was afraid, this wasn't his place, he didn't have the papers to be here, he was going to be in trouble. They would find him here, they could find him anywhere, taunt him tell him how bad he was, remind him of what he was. He knew he didn't deserve her, but it was her name on his lips as he cried himself to sleep amongst the clean sheets, "Buffy..Buffy."
Dana Lavery almost cried herself as she heard the pain in the vampires voice.
Buffy waited for a long time outside the clinic before she started home. She still wasn't sure about leaving Spike there all alone. Of course when he would run off he was alone and at least she knew he was safe and warm tonight. She thought Dr. Lavery seemed nice enough but could she trust her? She nibbled on her bottom lip as walked home, OH!! Wesley, Wesley in LA? It had to be the same Wesley, how many guys named Wesley would be willing to help with a demon problem!
Buffy quietly slipped into the dark house, she crept up the stairs peeking in Dawn's room just to make sure she was sleeping. After slipping into her pajamas she picked up the phone and dialed information, "Wesley Wyndam-Price please?" She quickly wrote down the number and hung up with a thank you. She knew she could have probably called Angel Investigations for the number, but she didn't want to get everyone involved, actually she was avoiding talking to Angel - it was still so complicated between them. She shook her head of the vampire in her past thoughts and tried to concentrate about one the vampire in her present the one that needed her help.
She dialed the numbers quickly, the phone rang once, twice, three times before a sleepy voice answered, "Hello?" Wesley stared at the clock next to his bed, it read Three 0'clock. Great the first night he had actually gotten into bed at a decent hour and he was interrupted.
"Hello, Wesley?" Buffy asked softly.
"Yes, Buffy is that you?" Wesley sat up in the bed and reached for his glasses.
"Yes, I need your help... I'm sorry it's so late." She replied sincerely.
"That's okay, how can I help you?"
"I met a Dr. Lavery tonight, she seems to know about umm... monsters and such? Is she okay, can she be trusted?" Buffy asked nervously.
"Dana Lavery?" Weslely replied.
"Yes, that's her."
Wesley smiled at the memory of the doctor, "Yes, you can trust Dana. I helped her with a problem at her clinic. She's very nice, been thorugh a lot but handled it alll very well."
"Yeah she told me about some creatures attacking her patients." Buffy played with the phone cord, "She's going to try to help Spike."
"William the Bloody ? Why does he need help?" Wesley asked surprise in his voice.
Buffy gave him a clifts note version of Spike's problem leaving out personal details, "So you think she can help?"
"If anyone can I'm sure it's Dana, She truly wants to help, it's sad her boyfriend was also attacked during the clinic troubles, he survived but just couldn't deal with the whole situation and left town, I think that really hurt her, but she seems to have delved even deeper into helping others now." Wesley explained before taking a deep breath and continuing, "Buffy, I must warn you though,,,,,I know we don't all keep in touch the way we should... but just because Spike has a soul doesn't mean that things can be fixed for him..."
"Wesley is everything okay there?" Buffy asked as worry rose in her chest.
"Well I hope it will be, it's nothing for you to worry about. Let me know if I can be of further asssistance."
"Okay, if you need me...let me know. Thanks, Wesley." She hung up the phone and pulled the covers up. She was too tired to think about what might be going on in LA and Wesley had said it would be okay she had to think about the problems right here first. Tomorrow morning she would call and check on Spike and then she would try to leave early and go to the clinic, the sooner she could explain some things to Dr; Lavery about Spike's condition.
Dana yawned as she got dressed for work, she had not slept well after having gotten into bed so late. She had checked on her newest patient several times through the night, he had been sleeping albeit fitfully but still sleeping. She decided she would check on her other patients first and then devote some extra time to Spike this morning. The intercom buzzed loudly overhead, "101 you have a call on line one, !01 line one." She picked up the phone and hit line one, "Hello this is Dr. Lavery."
"Dr, Lavery this is Buffy Summers, I'm calling to check on Spike." Buffy put the phone on her shoulder as she poured juice for she and Dawn.
"He slept through the night not well but he did at least sleep. I'm going to peek at him then see my other patients and get back to him. Can you come in today? "
"Yes, I'm going to try to get out of work early today, I'll be there as soon as I can." Buffy said goodbye and hung up the phone.
Dana made her rounds of her inpatients and checked her out patient schedule, thankfully it was a light day and all afternoon appointments. She was anxious to get started on her newest case, Mr. William Spikely. She had given him a name for the paperwork and to keep curious nurses from asking too many questions.
She took a breakfast tray from the cart and walked towards Spike's room. This won't work she thought as she looked at the plate of eggs and toast and coffee, I'll have to find a way to bring him something more suited to his tastes. I'll talk to Buffy about that she thought as she went to open his door.
Spike sat up in the bed and looked around the room, it was painted in light cheery colors although there were no windows. The bed linens were clean and soft and smelled good. This couldn't be right - he didn't belong here! He looked down at his chest and saw that even his clothes were gone, he was wearing a pale yellow gown of some sort. This was a trick, another trick , they were playing on him, taking him out of the darkness and grime where he belonged. He closed his eyes tightly when he opened them he was sure he would be back down in the basement his invisible tormenters laughing at him.
Dana opened the door cautiously, she found Spike sitting up in the bed the blankets pulled tightly against his chest his eyes closed. "Good morning." She called softly to him as she sat the breakfast tray on a table.
Spike opened his eyes slowly peeking out of one eye before fully opening both bright blue orbs. He looked at Dana trying to remember, he had seen her before... was she real? She was with Buffy. Buffy was real... well most of the time, where was Buffy? "Buffy?" He asked in a fearful voice.
"Buffy's not here right now, but she will be later." Dana edged closer to the bed, "Do you remember me? I'm Doctor Lavery, I'm going to help you."
"Help me?" Spike pulled himself into a tighter ball under the blankets, "Nope... no help for me."
"Don't you want to be better? For yourself ... " Dana paused for a moment, "For Buffy?"
"Buffy..." Spike's eyes cleared momentairily, in a clear voice, "Is she here? I would do anything for her... "
Dana latched on to this moment of clarity, "Buffy's special to you, isn't she. She wants you better, you just need to try to ignore those voices and concentrate on getting better. Then maybe you two can work things out." She patted his arm.
Suddenly his whole demeanor changed, "Things can't work out for us... she doesn't deserve a man who has hurt her, who tried to... " His sentence faded as he began to violently riip his gown scatching and pulling at the bandages on his chest, loosening the bandages and openiing the wounds on his chest again. He then began to punch himself in the face over and over again,.
"Spike, calm down." Dana tried to restrain him but knew it was useless she pressed the call button, and ordred a sedative. It only took a few minutes for the nurse to arrive with syringe in hand. "Thanks, I'll try to hold him while you inject him." She instructed the nurse.
She grab fast to his arms and pulled him off balance, his hip in the air, the nurse took advantage of the situation and quickly cleaned the hip and injected the sedative.
Buffy ran down the hall of the clinic towards Spike's room, she had heard the commotion as soon as she entered the back exit of the clinic. When she entered the room, the Doctor was holding Spike's arm and a nurse stood over him with a syringe, "What are you giving him?" She demanded.
Dana turned to the nurse, "You can go, Sherry."
The nurse nodded hesitantly, the little blonde looked like she could bite through nails right now, but at least the patient seemed to be calming.
"It's okay." Dana nodded as the nurse dropped the syringe in a sharps container and left the room.
Dana turned her attention to Buffy, "It's a sedative Buffy, he was trying to hurt himself."
Buffy walked towards the bed where Spike lay in a twisted heap, he was very drowsy and didn't even realize it was Buffy helping him get on to his back and under the covers again, "You didnt even know that would work on him, it could have hurt him." Buffy stood by the bed holding Spike's limp hand until his eyes drooped completely closed.
"Buffy, I took a chance that's true, but he was going to hurt himself, you can see for yourself that he was ripping at his chest again." Dana nodded towards the torn gown and bandages, "I think that there was a good chance that if the sedative didn't work on him that it probably wouldn't have hurt him either."
Buffy ran a piece of torn bandage through her fingers, "I'm sorry. I know you want to help. It's just... I'm afraid he can't be helped that he will never be my... uh... I mean the old Spike again." She ran her hand down his cheek, he looked so peaceful, so calm in his sleep a rueful smile crossed her lips as she remember a song she'd heard him sing once... "I want to be sedated". But not like this Spike, not like this! She turned tearfilled eyes towards the Doctor, "I think it's time we talked."
Dana nodded her head at her, "I think you're right." She did a quick examination of Spike and when she was sure he was okay she led Buffy to her office. Motioning for Buffy to sit down she asked if she wanted coffee.
"No thanks," Buffy replied, "I'm just not sure where to start."
Dana smiled comfortingly, "I've found it's always better to start... at the beginning. So how did you and Spike meet?"
Buffy shifted uncomfortably in her chair, "How did Spike and I meet? It was about six years ago I guess, he came to Sunnydale with his girlfriend Dru, we met outside of the Bronze." She played with a piece of torn vinyl on the arm of the chair, "He came to town to kill me."
Dana's eyes grew wide, "He wanted to kill you? I mean I know he's a vampire but aren't there victims usually random?"
"Dr. Lavery, I guess you should know that I am a vampire slayer." Buffy rolled her eyes, "I know how that sounds...but it's true, I'm the one girl in the world... "
The doctor listen attentively as Buffy finished her spiel, "I don' t think you're crazy Buffy. Remember I"m the one who wants to treat your vampire 'friend"? I am confused though if it's your job to slay vampires and Spike was on a mission to kill you then how ???" She shrugged her shoulders.
"I told you it was a long story. I was involved with another vampire a souled vampire named Angel." Buffy's lip trembled slightly, "I slept with him on my seventeeth birthday and he ...well he had been cursed with a soul... and when he found true happiness he lost that soul. He became evil all over again, tried to kill me, my friends and eventually tried to end the world."
Dana reached for a kleenex and handed it to Buffy, giving her arm a supportive squeeze, "That must have been terrible for you, so young . Most people just suffer from unrequited crushes at that age. I'm so sorry, Buffy."
"It was bad... one of the worst times of my life. But Spike, who was part of Angel's vampire family, had a grudge with Angel over Dru and the fact that Spike has always been a strange vampire... he didn't want the world to end, he kind of liked things the way they were, so he came to me with a deal to defeat Angel, he would take Dru and the world would be saved. I was desperate so I took him up on his offer." Buffy twisted the kleenex in her hand.
"So thats when you became tenative friends?" Dana asked as she jotted down some notes.
"Not exactly, we saved the world and he left town with Dru, supposedly he was never to come back."
"What happened to Angel?"
"Well I put a sword through his chest and sent him to a hell dimension."
Dana sighed, "Buffy, that's ... you're so young and been through so much." Dana's heart filled with compassion for the young woman in front of her.
"He...he came back and we...well we knew it wasn't going to work so he moved to LA. I thought you might recognize the name, I checked the Wesley you mentioned that helped you - he worked for Angel Investigations right?" Buffy sounded a bit worried.
"No, Wesley worked for himself, I never met anyone named Angel."
Buffy nodded to herself, "That explains Wesley's attitude last night."
"You spoke to Wesley?" Dana raised her eyebrows at Buffy.
"Yes, I...well I had to check out your story. I"m sorry...he said nothing but good things about you." Buffy replied slighy apolgetic.
"It's okay, Buffy. I would have checked you out if I was going to entrust someone I loved to you too." Dana gave her grin.
Buffy's eyes grew wide and she began to chew on her lip, "I...I didn't say I loved him." Her voice sounded desperate even to her own ears.
A light went off in Dana's head, whoa! The girl in front of her had almost as many emotional problems as the vampire down the hall. She thought carefully before selecting her next words, "I'm sorry, Buffy, I just assumed that since you knew ummm...intimate details about Spike and I just assumed that you and he... ?"
"We, well we were in relationship, but it wasn't love...not on my part. I'm not good with love, Dr. Lavery." The kleenex in Buffy's hand was now in complete shreds, "I love my family and friends of course, but men.. well I've had rotten luck with men I love."
"I'm sorry to hear that Buffy, but it doesn't mean you can never find love." Dana patted Buffy's hand as she handed her some more tissue. "You said it wasn't love on your part, is it love on Spike's end?"
"Yes, it was. I didn't believe it at first when he told me he loved me, thought it was a trick, but...well when Dru dumped him and he came back to town - he crossed paths with the Iniative and ended up with a chip in his head that kept him from hurting humans, so he would help with the fighting." Buffy explained.
"Chip?" Dana asked as she scribbled furiously in her notebook, "I need to look into that, maybe it's malfunctioning and adding to Spike's psychosis."
Taking a deep breath Buffy began the later part of the story withholding several details, as she talked a pile of damp, mangled kleenex grew in front of her. "So that's how we got here." Buffy sighed, "Can I have that coffee now?'
Dana went to the coffee pot and poured Buffy some coffee she brought sugar and creamer back with her to the desk, "So you left for a while? How long were you gone?"
A short bitter laugh erupted from Buffy, "One hundred and forty seven days, he...actually counted." She opened several packs of sugar and dumped them into the coffee cup.
"So when you came back, you started an intimate relationship?"
"Yes, it was a secret and I knew it was wrong. Wrong for me and wrong for him...and I finally went to him and told him we had to break it off, it was killing me." Tears slid down Buffy's face now and she used a knotted tissue to wipe her face.
"Did this "breakup" trigger the psychosis?" Dana asked as she handed the tissue box to Buffy.
"No, he seemed to almost understand, I saw him after at a friends wedding and he was...well sweet about it, offered to leave for my sake even. Later, we had a terrible argument... at my house, he wanted to force... force me to... " Buffy shook her head images of that night filling her mind as she decided on the right wording, "Force me to admit I cared... I couldn't. He left and came back a few months later, he seemed to have a moments of lucidity but for the most part he's out of it. You should probably know, he left for me... he went and earned his soul back." Buffy blew her nose as fresh tears assailed her cheeks.
"He has a soul? Like Angel?" Dana asked concern in her voice, "Is he cursed the same way?"
"No, Angels resouling was a curse, Spike earned his." Buffy dried her eyes again and added in a small voice, "For me."
"Thank you for talking to me Buffy, it sheds some light on Spike's problems." Dana said out loud, then mentally added to herself, "And your's too." She hoped to help both Spike and Buffy. "I think we've talked enough for now, one more thing though... could you bring some blood for Spike?"
Buffy composed herself and stood, "Yes, I can do that." She turned to leave, "I do want him to get better."
"I can tell you do." Dana also stood and walked Buffy to the door of the office.
"I'll be back in a couple of hours, I need to check on my sister." Buffy walked out of the office feeling more confused then ever, she had just told a stranger her life story, albeit a condensed altered version but still,,, Wesley said she could trust Dr. Lavery. She didn't always have good luck with those she trusted, she hoped this time it would be okay.
Nurse Sherry came running to the office door, "Dr. Lavery! Mr. Spikely is awake and very agitated."
Dana walked quickly to Spike's room. She opened the door to find Spike standing beside the bed, cursing as he held the gown closed behind his back, searching for hs clothes. His eyes grew wide when he saw her, "Who are you? And why the bloody hell am I here?"
"I'm Doctor Dana Lavery, I'm going to help you." She walked towards the confused vampire.
"Help me? You don't know me or what I am? I can't be helped." Spike spit out the words bitterly as he eyed his dirty pants lying across the back of a chair.
"Spike, may I call you Spike?" Dana asked in a calming voice.
"That's my name innit? And how do you know that, don't think I'm carrying any id." Spike roughly pulled his pants on.
"I've been watching you in the park when I jog, I could tell you were in trouble. Do you remember coming her with me last night?"
"Things are fuzzy, nothing stays clear for long... vaguely remember the park... she didn't come last night." He sat down on the edge of the bed scanning the floor for his boots.
"She..Buffy?" Dana asked as she cautiously sat down on the bed beside him.
His eyes instantly lit up, "You know Buffy?"
"Yes, she came barging in here last night, following you, demanding to know what I was going to do with you!" Dana smiled at him, "She can be quite forceful can't she?"
A small smile graced Spike's tired face, "Yes, that's my girl." He quickly changed his wording, "I mean that's Buffy for you."
"She really cares for you, she's gone to get you some blood." Dana put her hand on his arm, "I think you should stick around and wait for her."
"She tell you that, that she cares?" Spike's jawline tensed, "She admitted that to you?"
"Yes, she did. She wants you to get better." Dana lay her hand on his shoulder.
"Don't you get it? She can't ,she shouldn't care for me! I'm a monster, no good for her, did she tell you what I did?" Spike's voice was bitter laced with pain.
"She told me quite a bit about your past and hers. Why don't you tell me your version? How did you and Buffy meet?"
"About six years ago, me and Dru come to town, I'm wanting to help Dru get better. I met Buffy because I wanted to kill her." Spike glared at the doctor, "Still want to help me? I'm a bad, bad man." He slumped against the headboard, "So tired...and can't seem to keep the fuzziness away, don't know whats real anymore." He closed his eyes tightly then opened them again staring at the corner of the room, "And you...you lot...never give me any peace, no rest for William."
Dana placed her hand on his arm, "I want to help you William. I want to help you rest." He seemed to calm down slightly, "Let's get you back in the bed, so you'll be comfy when Buffy gets here."
He gave her a teary smile, "Buffy, yes, she wants to help me too." He laughed as the tears coursed down over his sharp cheekbones, mumbling "You always hurt the one you love."
Buffy stopped by Willy's on the way home and picked up a couple pints for Spike. She sat the brown bag on the counter and sighed as began to pull the makings of a quick supper from the cabinets. She would feed Dawn and then take Spike his supper. As she put the dishes away from the drainboard, she picked up the spatula, she was suddenly in another time, Spike leaning close to her, hand on her arm, "Ah ah, this flapjack isn't ready to be flipped." She could hear his taunting words - still feel his hand digging in her pocket for his lighter. He had made her so angry, he could be so smug sometimes. Buffy sighed out loud in the quiet kitchen, Dana's comment burning in her ears about entrusting someone she loved to another person. She didn't love him, she couldn't... tears rolled down her face as she whispered the question out loud, " If I don't love him, then why would I give anything to have my smart ass, smug Spike back right now?"
The island in the kitchen was set for dinner when Dawn arrived home. She picked a cherry tomato from the bowl and popped it into her mouth. "So why's dinner so early?" She called out looking for Buffy. She noticed the brown bag on the counter and opened it, "Eww... hope this isn't part of our dinner."
Buffy came into the kitchen from the basement and quicky took the bag of blood from Dawn, "I've got to go out early, so dinner's early. Is that okay?"
"Sure, I love spaghetti." Dawn washed her hands and sat down at the bar, "The bag of blood and the going out early? You're going to see Spike, aren't you?"
"Well... yes I am." Buffy busied herself cutting the garlic bread.
"Can I go?"
"I don't think so, not now. He's ... he's not well. But I think he's somewhere that they can help him now." Buffy began to dish salad into her bowl.
"Where?" Dawn was confused.
"In a clinic for mental health patients." Buffy explained as she sipped her water.
"A clinic? You've had Spike commited? Are 'you' crazy?" Dawn stared at her sister in disbelief, "Poor Spike, he could end up dust, those people won't know how to take care of him."
"It's okay, Dawn - this doctor, Doctor Lavery. She knows about Spike's special problems, she knows Wesley. I called him and checked her out."
"Are you sure you can trust her? I mean Wesley isn't always such a good judge of people, remember how he screwed up when he was your Watcher?"
Buffy smiled at Dawn over a forkful of spaghetti, "Wesley's changed a lot since then... " She sighed, "We all have."
"Can I go see him soon?" Dawn asked as she reached for more bread.
"I hope so. Doctor Lavery thinks she can help him back to his old annoying self." Buffy told her as she finished her dinner and stood to go, "Please do the dishes and your homework. I'll be home as soon as I can."
"At least tell Spike I said hi." Dawn called after her as she closed the door.
Spike fell to sleep as Dana sat beside his bed scribbling more notes in her tablet. He had seemed to remain lucid for about an hour after the sedative wore off. She wondered if the medicine had anything to do with the lucidity, she'd watch him and possibly try some different dosages. Maybe if they could regulate his moods, it could give him time enough away from the voices and ghosts of his past to work his guilt out, to work his way back to the real world. Buffy seemed to be a key player in Spike's world, she seemed to antagonize him yet calm him at the same time, this case was definitely a challenge.
The nurse led Buffy to Spike's room, she opened the door slowly, finding Dana sitting beside a sleeping Spike scribbling notes in her tablet. "Is he okay?" Buffy asked as she stood beside the bed, he was tossing and mumbling in his sleep.
"Yes, he doesn't seem to sleep well at all, very restless. I suppose his sleep is filled with the same horrors as his awake delusions are." Dana stood up and closed her tablet.
"I've brought him some blood." Buffy held out the brown bag, "He likes it warm, do you have a microwave?"
"Yes, across the hall in the lounge. Why don't you go heat it and I'll let him know you're here." Dana nudged Spike's shoulder to wake him as Buffy left the room.
He opened his eyes slowly as if he were afraid of what he might see. "Buffy's here." Dana said softly.
He immediatley scanned the room looking for her, "Where is she? Usually I see things that arent' there but now... I don't see her." He appeared distressed as he continued to look around the room.
"She's brought something for you to eat. She'll be right back." Dana spoke comfortingly.
"Hey, I brought you some goodies." Buffy smiled as she took the mug to Spike, "It's ninety eight point six just like you like it."
Spike sniffed the mug cautiosly then began to take small sips. When he had finished it he turned to Buffy, "Thank you."
"Your welcome, how are you feeling?"
He was staring at her now, "Did you know that you are quite the picture of loveliness?" He asked her with a shy smile.
Buffy almost blushed at he softly worded compliment, "Now it's my turn to thank you." She lay her hand on his arm.
Spike's countenance completely changed at the soft touch of Buffy's hand on his arm, "But YOU shouldn't TOUCH me! I am a bad, bad man."
"No, Spike it's okay."
Buffy tried to take his hand but he jerked back from her pulling his knees up to his chest and repeating "I'm bad, I'm bad."
"Buffy, I think you need to leave now." Dana put her hand on Buffy's elbow and guided her to the door of the room. Once outside she kept a watchful eye on Spike through the window in his door. "You can come back tomorrow."
"I don't want to leave him, like this. I want to make him understand... " Buffy peeked in the little window at the vampire on the bed repeating his sad mantra.
"He'll be okay. I'm looking into some medication for him, something to help ground him keep him in the real world long enough to get his guilt feelings in line so he can start to get better." Dana explained as she watched the tears welling in Buffy's eyes.
"Will the medication be safe for him? Because I have an idea, when you asked me what triggered the psychosis? I thought it was just the guilt after his soul was restored but..I've been thinking that maybe it was also something in that basement, like something down there was doing this to him?" Buffy looked away from the window long enough to tell Dana her theory.
"In Sunnydale I guess anything's possible, I mean I am treating a vampire afterall. So I think I'll give him a few days to see if he gets better without medicaion, that would help prove or disprove the basement theory. I will have to sedate him again if he tries to hurt himself though."
"I understand if he is hurting himself then you have to do something. I guess I should go. I'll be back tomorrow night." She looked into the room once more, Spike was sitting quietly on the bed now, his head down, "Goodnight, Spike." She whispered softly before turning back to Dana, "Oh if you could please tell him that Dawn says hi and wants to visit soon."
"I'll tell him." Dana nodded at Buffy as she went to go back into the room, "Spike?" She called softly to him, no answer. She stepped closer to the bed and looked directly in his sad eyes, "I have a message for you - Dawn says hello and she wants to visit soon."
His eyes lit up and he gave her a small smile, "Niblet? She wants to see me?"
"Yes, she does." The doctor smiled back at him.
"Is it okay with Buffy?" Spike chewed nervously on his bottom lip.
Dana nodded her head at the vampire,"She told me to give you the message. She really wants you to get better, Spike."
"I... I...hurt her badly and don't deserve her forgiveness though. Of all the people I've hurt... she means the most." Spike sighed softly as his moment of sanity passed as quickly as it came.
Dana left him talking animatedly to the chair about the lovely young blond woman who had visited with him tonight. It wasn't much of a start...but it was at least something and if Buffy was right about getting him away from that basement...maybe just maybe she had a good chance of helping him.
Buffy did a quick patrol before she went home, her thoughts filled with Spike. She stopped at Willy's once again to pick up food for Spike. The house was dark when she got home, flipping the kitchen light on she found a large note on the refrigerator.
Buffy - how is Spike? Dishes are done and leftover spaghetti in frig if you are hungry after patrol. ~ Dawn
Buffy smiled to herself as she noticed that the dishes were indeed done and the trash had even been taken out. She drank a glass of water and went to bed. Thankfully Fridays were usually slow at work, she would have time to call and check on Spike during the day and then she would take his dinner to him after work. This weekend she would try to visit him as much as possible, maybe even take Dawn if he was feeling any better.
Spike sat quietly in his room , he was hunched up against the headboard of the bed eyeing the door. He was afraid to close his eyes, not sure who would be in the room when he opened them again. He was actually feeling a tiny bit better "they" weren't coming as frequently now, the voices in his head stilled for longer amounts of time. Of course even with out the voices his lucid thoughts were still full of the pain he had inflicted on others through the years... especially her.
A redhaired nurse stuck her head in the room startling him, he had jumped hitting his head hard on the metal headboard. "I'm sorry Mr. Spikely. I didn't mean to scare you." Her voice was soft as she approached the bed, "Can I get you something to help you sleep? It's very late."
"No...you can't scare me, I'm evil...the big bad." He laughed bitterly.
"I'm sure that's not true. You just need some rest that will help you feel like your old self." She fluffed his pillow and helped him lay back down in the bed.
"I don't want anything to make me sleep - don't want to be my OLD SELF- have to be BETTER!" He was shouting now, wringing the bed sheets in his hands.
The nurse jumped back at his sudden agitation, "It's okay, it's okay. She hit the call button and the intercom came on."Please send some help to Mr. Spikely's room."
Spike continued to wring the sheets and shout, "She needs a new man, a different man, the man I want to be... " His voice tapered into a gentleness, "The man I could be..." He looked at the frightned nurse, "I can be good can't I?" He asked tears welling in his eyes.
A very large man entered the room, "You okay, Sally?" He came to stand by the bed.
"Yes, he didnt' try to hurt me, but he's not sleeping and very agitated. I need to call Dr. Lavery. I'll be right back. Just keep an eye on him." She left the room and went to the nurses station to call the doctor.
The shrill ring of her phone woke Dana up, she opened one eye to stare at the clock beside her bed. Red numbers flashed at her 4:15. "Hello" She answered the phone groggily.
"Dr. Lavery this is Sally."
"Yes, Sally whats wrong?" Dana asked sitting up in the bed.
"Mr. Spikely hasn't slept for several hours, when I went to check on him he got agitated. I'm afraid he may hurt himself again. May I give him a sedative?" The nurse asked.
"Did he try to hurt you in anyway?" Dana asked as she turned on the light.
"No, mam. I think he really needs to get some sleep though."
"I think you may be right, Sally, go ahead and give him some of the sedative in his med box, hopefully it will help. The dosage intructions are with the syringes. I'll be in the clinic in a few hours. If you need me before that, just call." Dana hung up the phone, she knew she had told Buffy she would wait on the medication but she really thought that medicating him was in his best interest right now.
Spike closed his eyes willing himself to clear his mind, to get rid of the fuzzy feeling. The large man beside his bed continued to stare at him as if he had four eyes. He was relieved to see the nurse come back into the room. She nodded at the large man and pulled a syringe from her pocket along with an alcohol pad. She rolled him over gently and cleaned a spot on his hip and expertly gave the injection, "You'll feel better in no time now." She smiled at him as she disposed of the needle in nearby sharps container. She stood by the bed for a moment watching as his eyes began to droop closed and he mouthed a word she couldn't understand.
Spike tried to fight the effects of the sedative but gave in as a warm feeling came over him, the last thing he saw before driting off was the red haired nurse who had transformed into a petite blond stroking his arm and telling him to rest, "Buffy?" He tried to say the word out loud before sleep took him.
The Dreams
"William, would you like some milk with that?" His mother's voice was as warm to his ears as the fire heating the kitchen. The aroma of freshly baked scones assaulted his nose as she placed one on his plate.
"Yes, please." The child answered, his face lit up with a large smile.
His mother ran a hand through the mop of soft brown curls, "Such a good boy William, such a good boy." She told him as she poured his milk.
Spike watched the scene as an outsider, the sight of his mother making his eyes tear up, the smells of the kitchen bringing back a horde of wonderful memories.
The young William, sat next to Cecily at a party.
"I'm a a bad poet, but I'm a good man." William told her earnestly.
Lot's of good being a good man did you then, William. Spike spoke out loud to the humiliated young man sitting in a parlor over a hundred years ago.
Spike, recognized himself as he sat quite bloodied in his crypt. Giles and Xander had left him there after the Glory incident.
Soft lips brushed his bruised ones and his eyes widened at the realization that this was the living breathing Buffy...not the bot.
She had turned to face him, "What you did for Dawn and me... that was real. I won't forget it."
Spike watched himself watch Buffy leave the crypt. He had done some things right in his lifetime. He had never regretted letting Glory torture him, if he had to do it again he would gladly. That had to mean something didn't it?
"Such a good boy William" His mother's words stuck in his head, once, yes once upon a time he was a good boy... so long ago. Was some of that goodness still in him? He so wanted to believe that it was.
"Hey Dawnie, thanks for taking out the trash last night." Buffy told her sister between swallows of orange juice.
"Your welcome, so how did the Spike visit go? Is he any better at all?" Dawn asked as she poured her own juice.
"Well he has moments where he's Spike but he slips away into his own little world a good part of the time. I'm hoping getting him away from the basement will help that. The doctor mentioned using some meds on him, but I'm not sure about that." Buffy rinsed her glass out and set it on the drainboard.
"So did you give him my message?"
"Actually, the doctor had me leave, Spike was getting kind of aggravated with me there." Buffy's words were light but couldn't hide her despair.
"Buffy, this isn't your fault." Dawn hugged her sister tightly.
"That's easy for you to say." Buffy pulled away from Dawn and ran her hand over Dawn's hair, "It's okay, I mean I know that it's not all my fault, but ...it's hard seeing him like this. I did tell Dr. Lavery to deliver your message though and I'm going to call from work and check on him this morning."
"Good, because I mean it. I want to see him." Dawn grabbed her books as Xander sounded the horn outside, Buffy followed her out of the house.
"Sally, how is Mr. Spikely this morning?" Dana asked as she met the nurse getting off of her shift.
"He's still sleeping, I guess the sedative is still working. It's a shame about him, he seems so sad. Such a nice looking man too."
" It is sad, I really hope we can help him. I'll check on him shortly. Thanks." Dana waved at the redhead as she left.
Dana checked on her other inpatients first then peeked in Spike's room he was still sleeping soundly. She smiled at the sleeping vampire, it was the first time she'd seem him actually look peaceful. It occured to her that,Sally was right, he was a good looking man.
Spike woke up and stared at the hospital room warily before he realized that he was alone. Completely alone in the room, no voices clamoring in his head.There had been no nightmares last night, dreams of his past but no victims out for vengeance in his head.
He fought to remember where he was, he should remember...yes, last night a doctor. A woman doctor, she wanted to help him? She knew Buffy. His mind struggled to stay coherent. Buffy had been here?
He had sat perfectly still for more then an hour before Nurse Sherry looked in on him through his door window, noticing he was awake, she came in the room. "We thought you might sleep all day, Mr. Spikely." She gave him a bright smile.
"Spikely?" Spike frowned at the name.
"Umm..yes sir. Isn't that your name?" Sherry asked hesitantly.
"You can just call me, Spike." He answered unsure of what exactly was going on, "Could you please get that doctor in here? The woman, can't place her name."
"Dr. Lavery? Yes, I'll get her for you."
Sherry found Dana catching up on dictation, "Mr. Spikely is asking for you."
"He is? How is his behavior this morning?" Dana asked as she stood and started towards Spike's room.
"Well other then seeming a bit confused over his name, he seems quite normal this morning. By the way he wants to be called Spike." Sherry told her as she left Dana at Spike's room.
"Spike, how are you this morning?" Dana asked cheerfully as she sat down in the bedside chair.
"I'm...I'm better, slept better, dreams but nothing terrible. I just feel like I have to conciously fight myself to stay alert." He sighed as he played with the edge of the bedspread.
"That's part of the key, Spike, focusing on now, not letting your past get the best of you. Yes, you did some horrible things, but you're different now. You have to work through this and find a way to make peace with your past. " Dana smiled at him, patting his shoulder.
"I...I remember talking to you last night. You..you did say that you wanted to help me? That Buffy wanted you to help me?" His mind was getting cloudy again as he fought for control, he had to know that Buffy really had been here, that she really did care.
"Yes, Buffy was here and she does want me to help you. She wants to help you."
"And Niblet, she wants to see me?" Spike asked as he concentrated on keeping the fuzziness from creeping back in.
"Niblet? Oh, Dawn?" Dana nodded her head in affirmation.
"Don't want her to see me like this."
"She can come visit when she's ready okay?" Dana assured him, "Why don't we talk about the voices, see if we can come up with a way to help you with that?"
"I don't think I can stay here. I don't think it will work." He began to fidget, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I think I better go, back to my place. I'm sure they need me, got to check their passes."
"Spike, why don't you let me change the bandages on your chest and you can rest a bit mre before you go back?" Dana replied soothingly, "I'll get you something to drink too."
"I should go." He shook his head at her.
"After I change the bandages okay? And you have a late breakfast. Buffy wouldn't be happy if I let you leave like this." Dana explained to him as she pulled fresh bandages from the drawer in small chest next to his bed.
"Buffy wouldn't like it?" Spike seemed to mull that over in his head, "Don't want her angry. Not good when she's angry."
"Good, lets see if we can get you fixed up with breakfast, I'll be right back." Dana left to retrieve what was left of the blood Buffy had brought last night, she had microwaved it and brought it in the same mug.
"Nice and warm." Spike told her as he emptied the mug, his eyes were tired, he was trying so hard to focus and losing the battle had exhausted him.
When he had completely finished his breakfast, she carefully pulled off the old bandage. The cuts had mostly healed already. Vampire pysiology was very interesting. She carefully bandaged his chest again, speaking in a calm voice the whole time, by the time she finished he was sleeping again. She went back to her office to wash out his mug.
Buffy dialed the number of the clinic by memory, why had she memorized it so quickly? She was sure she didn't want to answer that question, the phone rang on the other end, "Dr. Lavery, please. Yes, this is Buffy Summers."
"Buffy, hello." Dana answered her phone.
"How is he this morning?" Buffy asked as she furiously chewed her bottom lip.
"Well, I think we've made some progress. Spike didn't sleep most of the night and was agitated we had to sedate him again. He was actually quite coherent for a couple of hours this morning though. He's asleep now. If you could come by at lunch, maybe you could talk to him, he's struggling to focus but it's a tiring him and when he started slipping he wanted to leave. Maybe you can talk to him and convince him to stay? Your opinion matters alot to him."
"Sure, I can come over at lunch. It's ten o'clock now. I'll be there about noon." Buffy hung up the phone.
"This bloody well won't work!!" Spike shouted at Nurse Sherry when she entered the room.
"What's wrong..Mr... Spike?" She asked as she watched him back away from her.
"If she wants me to stay here, this thing has got to go. The back doesn't close, everyone can see my bits and pieces!" Spike cursed as he tried to hold the wretched gown closed.
Dana and Buffy quickly headed to Spike's room at the sound of shouting, Buffy smiled despite herself at Spike's newfound modesty, "You never minded displaying your bits and pieces before." She laughed softly.
Dana watched the two blondes intently, not sure where this was going.
"That was...well these are strangers, aren't they?" He shook his head at her, "And you're enjoying this way too much." He sat down on the edge of the bed carefully arranging the gown behind him.
"Yes, I am enjoying this Spike, because," She turned to Dana and grinned, "Dr. Lavery this is the real Spike."
Dana smiled at the interaction between the two people in front of her she offered her hand to Spike, "It's nice to finally meet the real you, Spike."
Spike shook the offered hand, "Nice to meet you, guess I haven't really been myself, lately." He let go of her hand and lowered his head almost shyly.
"No, I guess not but we are going to work on that." The doctor smiled at him.
"Can we work on getting me some decent clothing first?"
"I'll bring you some clothes tonight, something comfortable for while you're here." Buffy laughed softly.
"How long do you think I'm going to be here? I mean I feel better right now then I have in months, the thousand voices in my noggin are quiet, guess it's safe for me to go home." Spike started to stand.
"I really wish you would stay a little longer, let us make sure you are really okay." Dana replied sincerity in her soft voice.
"Please." Buffy piped in, "It won't be so bad." She patted his arm.
Dana noticed Spike flinch slightly at the touch, it wasn't as if he didn't like her touch, but more like he shied away from her because he didn't think she should touch him. She made a mental note to talk to him about that once Buffy left. For now it was probably best to let he and Buffy talk a bit before she went back to work. "I'm going to leave you two alone, I know Buffy has to get back to work soon. I'll be back in a little while, Spike. I'm glad you're feeling better."
"So am I." Spike answered as he watched her leave the room, he then turned his attention back to Buffy, "I'm really not sure this is a good idea." He looked around the room and shrugged his shoulders.
"Why?, it's nice here, you yourself said you were feeling better." Buffy sat beside him on the bed, "Why shouldn't you stay for a little while, you can't seriously miss that basement."
He sighed, "No, can't say I miss that place. But I'm not sure... not sure I should be here getting help. I've done a lot of wrong, Buffy." He rubbed his hands over his face, "You know that from experience."
"That was in the past, Spike. I would really like for you to stay." Her hazel eyes stared at him pleading with him.
"I don't know." He shook his head.
She then used her trump card, she knew it wasn't fair, but she also knew it would work, "Would do you do it for me, please?"
That's so unfair, Slayer, Spike thought as he grumbled, "Never could refuse you."
"So you'll stay?" She asked giving him a small smile.
"Yes. I'll stay. But just a few days."
"The length of your stay is negotiable," Buffy smiled at him and stood, "Now I'm gonna bring you some sweats and some boxers."
"Boxers? You know I don't wear ... " Spike started but was interrupted by Buffy.
"Shh...we can't have Dawn traumatized by seeing you in that gown." She grinned at him.
"You really gonna let her visit?" He looked surprised.
"Yes, she wants to come and I think you'd like to see her too?"
Spike thought it over a moment, "I want to see her, but lets give a little while, make sure I'm myself again. Don't want to scare the Bit."
"Okay, I think thats a good idea. I'll be back later with food and clothes. Now would you rather have solid boxers or prints, maybe some little kittens on them or big smiley faces?" Buffy asked with mock seriousness.
Spike rolled his eyes at her, "I'm not the whelp! Solid colors are just fine."
"Okay, I'm not even going to ask how you know what kind of boxers Xander wears." She teased.
"Did his laundry when we were roomies." Spike rolled his eyes again.
Buffy shook her head at the thought of Spike doing laundry, "I'll see you later. Be nice to the Doctor." She waved at him through the glass window before she left.
Dana watched Buffy walk by her office and went to Spike's room, notebook in hand.
She knocked softly on his door, "Spike." She opened the door slightly, "May we talk now?"
"Suppose so." He answered as he pulled the blanket over his legs.
"Buffy has told me quite a bit about you. You've been through a very traumatic experience, and it seems you carry alot of guilt over your past. You've been seeing and hearing past victims?" Dana sat down in the bedside chair.
"Yes, at first it was all the time, couldn't get away from them. Barely recognized Buffy even. Then it got to where if I fought really hard I could keep them away, today's been good though. Not been so hard to hold them at bay." Spike played with the pillow he had sat in his lap.
"Well, I think that part of that comes from getting you out of the basement, Buffy thought there were things down there that were keeping you out of it, so to speak. I think the other reason you feel better is because when you got agitated last night, I had the nurse give you a sedative, it was a special one I had mixed for you with some medications for calming your nerves as it were." Dana explained as she wrote in her book.
"I'm on Prozac?" Spike asked with a hint of his old smirk.
"Sort of. I think that if we can keep you calm, we can talk about your fears and insecurities and help you fight those voices, do you object to the drug?"
"Guess it can't hurt to try it, it sure feels good to be alone in my head for a change." He gave a slight smile.
"Let's get started on the other part of the therapy, the really hard part," She smiled at him, "The talking part."
"I'm not the one with the talking problem, she ... " Spike suddenly stopped midsentence, "What do you want to talk about?"
"She as in Buffy? Buffy has problems talking?" Dana scribbled away.
Spike seemed to ignore her question, "What do you want to talk about?" He repeated.
Dana took his question as a hint not to push the Buffy question, she didn't want him to clam up before they got started, "How about being a vampire? How did you end up getting turned?"
"I met a girl in a dark alley, she said she could see something in me. Next thing I knew I was a vampire. Was pretty happy about it for a lot of years too." He said matter of factly.
"So you were happy about the violence and bloodshed, did those things make you happy before you were turned?"
Spike's mind was suddenly full of pictures of his mom's kitchen, fresh scones on the table, playing in the snow with his younger sister, unwrapping skates from under the Christmas tree, things from his past that made him happy. He shook his head, if he didn't snap out of it he was gonna start singing, 'these are a few of my favorite things'. He cleared his throat, "No, those things didn't make me happy before, William was a poet,a bad one and he abhorred violence of any type."
"What makes you happy now?" She stopped writing and looked at him.
A face flashed in his mind, a pretty blonde, Buffy. Buffy made him happy, still after everything. "I don't know... " He finally answered.
"Come on, something makes you happy. You seemed happy to hear that Dawn wanted to visit you." Dana prompted.
Spike smiled, "Yeah, Niblet she makes me happy. She's a good kid, when Buffy was... gone that Summer, we took care of each other. Course I let her down later...Guess I'm always gonna go back to being bad."
"But she still wants to see you, Spike. I think that you are letting all of those ghosts from your past keep you out of the present. Let me ask you why did you go searching for your soul? If being bad made you happy, why change at all?"
"I had my reasons." He muttered.
"Okay, do you regret all of those people you hurt over the years?" Dana lay her notebook on the table.
"Yes, I do." He continued to ball up the pillow.
"So you know realistically you can't make it up to them personally right?"
"Yes, they are long gone and I wasn't... I wasn't really in control then. But still I owe them something." He sighed.
"What you owe them now is to never go back to being that vampire again. You have a second chance to help people now instead of harm them. And from what I understand from Buffy you were already trying to do that before you took your trip. So I want you to concentrate on that when you hear the voices." Dana patted his arm.
"The voices from the far past are much easier it deal with then the recent ones." Spike's voice cracked slightly.
"What do you mean recent? Buffy said you hadn't hurt anyone in a very long time." Dana looked confused.
"She told you that?" Spike closed his eyes, "I hurt her...before I left...I wanted to be good, the man she deserved and I went to her and... " he bit on his bottom lip until small drops of blood ran down his chin.
"She told me you argued you wanted to force her to admit she loved you?" Dana finished for him.
"ARGUED??? She said we ARGUED!!!" Spike became more and more agitated. He turned away from Dana and began speaking to the corner of the room, " Argued thats what she called it? Hurt the girl, I hurt her - love her, love her... you always hurt the one you love. Always."
"Spike?" Dana stood and gently shook his arm, "Spike?" It was no use he was gone again. She did her best to settle him back in the bed, wiping the blood from his chin as he mumbled to himself.
"I'll be back later to check on you." She told him as she left the room, she made a notation on his chart to give him another dose of medication. When she got back to her office she called Buffy at work.
Buffy was sitting at her desk anxious for the work dau to be over, Spike was getting better! She had seen the spark of 'her' Spike this afternoon. Now she wanted to go get his clothes and food and get back to him, it had been too long. The phone startled her from her happy thoughts.
Buffy picked up the phone, it was almost time to go home, who was calling now? "Hello?"
"Buffy, this is Dr. Lavery."
"Is Spike okay?" Buffy's heart jumped to her throat.
"He's had a little setback, but I'm sure he'll be fine. I would like to talk to you about something he said when you come back this afternoon." Dana told her as she poured a cup of coffee.
"What kind of setback?" Buffy twisted the phone cord tightly in her hand, "What did he say?"
"He's slipped back into a slight dementia, it happened as we were talking about the argument the two of you had before he left town, he got very agitated, kept saying he loved you, but hurt you? Buffy, I'm going to need you to tell me exactly what happened during that argument."
Buffy began to chew on her bottom lip, tears welled in her eyes. She didn't want to go over the events of that night again, it was the past and she wanted it to stay there.
"Buffy? Are you still there?" Dana asked after a few moments.
"I...I'm not sure going over that will help anything." She finally sighed.
"Would you please let me be the judge of that? This seems to be a sore subject for both of you, maybe we help both of you if we discussed what happened that night."
"I'm not the crazy vampire who needs help! I'm fine." Buffy spat the words into the phone.
"Honestly, Buffy, I think you and Spike both have some major issues. But if you don't feel like you need help I can't force you to talk to me, but I can ask you to do it for the "crazy" vampire, you do care about him, don't you?" Dana waited several more moments for a reply.
"Fine. I'll be there in about an hour and a half." Buffy hung up the phone and reached for the box of tissues on her desk, she hadn't realized that somewhere in the conversation she had started crying.