FEELING

Parts 2 & 3

Written by: Martine Lewis


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Summary: Despair from being resurrected catches up with Buffy. Spoilers: Up to Wrecked. A/U: 'Once More, With Feeling' and Tabula Rasa never happened and Buffy hadn't told anybody she was in Heaven.
Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.
Special Thanks: Sincere thanks to Dawn Pares for review and comments. She really helps me a lot to improve.
Author's Note: English is second language here… please, be kind…
Feedback: Please, I want plenty! lewis_martine@yahoo.ca


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When Spike woke up the next morning, it was light outside. Obviously the Niblet had come back during the night. Thick blankets were hanging over the windows and a blanket also covered him and the lovely woman he was holding.

Spike was grateful for the Niblet. Like Joyce, she had always liked him and trusted him even when the other Scoobies didn’t. He loved her like a sister and was glad he had her in his unlife.

He looked at Buffy in his arms, and kissed the top of her head again. She was still holding his shirt like her life depended on it, but he knew she’d had a restful sleep. She hadn’t moved all night.

He knew she was awake when her heartbeat changed. And he could feel it accelerate as if something was making her nervous. Gently, he kissed her hair again, thinking that this wonderful night had come to an end.


***


Slowly, Buffy stirred and took a deep breath. She felt so comfortable, she didn’t want to move. As her mind cleared of the morning fog, she realized that somebody was holding her. And that somebody was Spike! She felt him kiss her hair and it calmed the turmoil in her mind. Gradually, she began to remember what had happened the night before. Spike had come to her room, despite the garlic, and had taken the stake and cross out of her hands. He had then taken her in his arms and stayed with her until morning.

Wait a minute: garlic? Cross? Morning?

She opened her eyes and saw it was already past 9 on her alarm clock. She sleepily sat and looked around her.

A stake on the bedside table but no cross to be seen.

No garlic at the windows.

Thick blankets at the windows.

And a Spike who visibly didn’t know where to look. ‘He stayed with me all night,’ she thought.

And she saw his burned hand. ‘The cross, he even dared the cross!’ she thought. She lay back against him and put her arms around him. “Morning” she said.


***


‘She will most probably get mad and kick my ass out of her bed!’ he thought, when she woke up.

But at his kiss, she relaxed in his arms.

He saw her sit and look around, and look at him.

Under this look, he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know where to look, he didn’t know what to think. She would punch him, he was sure of it.

When she lay back against him, he was so taken aback that he tensed.

‘What in all Hell is going on?’ he thought.

“Morning” she said.

He felt her arms around him and he put his arms around her, still shocked out of his mind, almost afraid to be happy.

“Morning,” he whispered.

Wow! ‘Somebody, pinch me!’ he thought. Slowly, he relaxed in the embrace and inhaled the smell of her hair to make sure he would remember all aspects of this wonderful moment for his eternal unlife.

Buffy was in his arms! And she was not kicking his ass!

She was silent and immobile but he knew she wasn’t asleep. She hugged him tightly as if she was afraid he would leave. He didn’t know if he should break the silence but he figured he might as well go with the flow.

“Spike, please don’t leave me,” she said.

“Pet, I’m not going anywhere,” he said gently. “I’m staying right here.”

Buffy kissed his chest and inhaled deeply. He smelled so much like his usual self – cigarettes and leather – that it was reassuring. She felt his hands caressing her hair and her back and she felt like she wanted more. She wanted to be loved again… Sweetly loved like she had been with Angel and Riley. She wanted Spike to love her, not just lust after her. She wanted to feel him inside her body, inside her mind.

Spike felt her heartbeat quickening again and he knew she wanted him. If the situation had been any different, he would have grinned in triumph… but he didn’t want Buffy like that. He didn’t want to abuse her… a strange concept since a little while ago, he would have fucked her then and there in a heartbeat. But now, everything was different. She had opened her heart and soul to him, and he didn’t think that abusing her would be any fun for anybody. She trusted him and he didn’t want to lose that… Not when he finally had what he had been craving for so desperately and so long.

He felt her hand going towards his inner thighs and delicately took it away.

“Buffy, Luv, please… Not like that,” he murmured. “I want you very much but I don’t want to do something you might regret later”

And he could not believe he was actually saying that to her. He really was becoming a poofter. ‘And me against her belly will bloody well confirmed the ‘me wanting her’ part!’ he thought.

“Spike, please don’t go,” she said, shutting her eyes tightly to prevent tears from falling.

Spike could feel the lump in her throat. “I’m not going any where, Luv… I’m staying right here with you.”

A few minutes later, Spike felt Buffy’s respiration calm again and he knew she had fallen asleep.


***


A few hours later, Buffy woke up again. She sat upright in her bed when she could not feel Spike underneath her. Suddenly worried, she looked around her: he wasn’t there! There was no sign of him! ‘No… No!’ she thought.

Despair was filling her soul. She had found someone she thought would not leave her and he was gone. Again. But she couldn’t deal anymore. She didn’t want him to leave. Why did she even trust Spike, anyway? She needed someone so badly but now, he was gone. “No… no! Spike!” she yelled, filled with despair, tears running down her cheeks.

She was simply too desperate to even think about being mad at him, which would have been her normal reaction.

She heard someone run from the hallway, someone taking her into his arms, someone who smelled like…soap?

“Slayer… Luv! I’m right here.”

Crying, Buffy clutched at him, digging her fingers in his arms.

“Buffy, I told you I wasn’t going anywhere,” said Spike softly.

This situation was totally confusing for Spike. Never had he seen Buffy this way. Even if he knew it would happen one day or another, her emotional breakdown was still disconcerting. She was nothing of the fighter he loved so much.

And he wondered if the fighter was still somewhere in there. She was such a wreck, so vulnerable, so not like herself. He couldn’t help but wonder if his fighter would ever be back.

“Pet, you’re a mess,” whispered Spike.

Slowly, he raised her face and looked into her eyes. She was so beautiful, even with tears running from her eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said gently.

Oh God! He wanted to kiss her… kiss the tears away from her eyes.

She had told him, when she had first come back, how completed she had felt when she was in heaven, and he wished, with all his heart, that with his love he could give her a certain sense of completion.

Slowly, he moved his lips toward hers and kissed her.

This kiss felt so good that if he had been standing, Spike was sure he would have crumpled to the ground. “Spike,” whispered Buffy between kisses. “Are you here to stay?”

“Yes Luv, until you stake me,” he answered sincerely, looking directly into her eyes.

His lips met hers again, and Spike suddenly realized how naked he was. He only had a towel around his waist. And he could feel Buffy caressing his chest, and his back, and his face, and his arms. She was touching him and it made him want her so bad it hurt. Not like before, when she hadn’t wanted him and told him she wanted nothing to do with him. No, it hurt because she wanted him, too…

“Buffy, Luv…” he whispered. “Luv! I want you so much, my bloody guts want to come out of me… But I don’t want to have you if I have any doubt in my mind that you might regret it tomorrow, or the day after, or in a year…”

What?!?! What was he saying?!? It was SO not like him! Look at what this girl made him do! He was a slayer killer, not a slayer love slave!

He took a very unnecessary breath to steady himself… Love had completely made him a wimp… and he dared anybody to tell him he hadn’t changed!

“When I’ll have you, I want it to be because you love me as much as I love you… and not because of lust,” he added, feeling very uncomfortable since he knew his arousal was very obvious.

That’s it! He hated himself for loving her so much! But his love for her was stronger than the hate he felt for himself… Was he developing a conscience?


~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Part 3


This was the sweetest thing Buffy had heard in a long, long time. And she realized she loved him, with all her heart. She couldn’t believe she was in love with a vampire… again. She was supposed to be a vampire slayer, not a vampire lover…

And filled with this newfound realization of… love, she kissed him again and took refuge in his arms.

After a few minutes of feeling his cool arms on her back, his lips in her hair, his erection against her belly, she looked at him and kissed him.

“Spike,” she murmured. “Spike, I love you so much, it hurts.”

This was it, it was out in the open, she had said it, she had told him…

And, looking in her eyes, Spike knew she was telling the truth. And he had thought he would never hear her say that. Gently, he took her face in his hands and kissed her again.

This time, when her hand began roaming on his thigh, he didn’t stop her. He could feel her little hand through the towel and her touch was exquisite and nervous as if she had never touched a man before. Her other hand was at the small of his back and he could feel them both very sharply.

He grabbed her shirt and moved it over her head as delicately as if she had been porcelain. With all the love he could muster, he kissed her neck and inhaled her perfume. She smelled so good, like a potent blood elixir, sleep, and behind it all, sweet, like a delicate flower that you could find in the mountains on a sunny day.

He unclipped her bra and caressed one of her breasts. She was so soft.

With her lips on his neck, he felt her slowly open the towel at his waist. Then she placed her hand on his thigh gradually moving it to his swollen member. And it felt good. It felt like nothing he had ever experienced before. It felt like… heaven.

Taking his time, kissing her as gently as he could, caressing her like he thought he never would again, he finished undressing her. He gently picked her in his arms and placed her on the bed. He lay down next to her and, when he saw her shiver, pulled the blanket over them.

He then looked at her. And the only thing he could see in her eyes was love. Love, pure and simple. He kissed her forehead and looked at her again.

He felt her hand make contact with him and move from his waist to his sex. He swallowed, hard. He took her face in his hands and looked at her eyes again. What he saw was so pure, so needy, so unconditional that it pinched his unbeating heart.

In all his unlife, he never thought anyone would ever look at him this way; he never thought he would ever feel love this way; he never thought Buffy would ever remotely love him!

“I love you so much,” he told her. “I want to make love to you.”

He didn’t know why but it felt so right to be here with her, to be naked with her in her bed, to want to love her.

“I love you, too,” she said. “And I want you to make love to me.”

And he knew she meant it. Not because they were both naked in the same bed, but because he had been there for her since she had come back, because he had listened to her every time she had needed it, because he never asked questions that she didn’t want to answer. She meant it and he could feel it.

And Spike didn’t know what to do, as if all of the sudden, he had never made love before. And he realized that he never had. Of course, he had had sex with plenty of women, but he had never made love, even with Dru. Dru had always been a one way love affair. He had tried to make love to her but she had only wanted sex with him. She had never loved him as he thought he had loved her… She always wanted her ‘Daddy’, and had used him to release her sex tension. And he realized now the very pronounced difference between lust and love.

He gently pushed her to her back and took position over her. The closeness of their bodies was almost unbearable for him. He wanted her so much that he was afraid he would come as soon as he took refuge in her. Her hand, still on his sex, stroked him gently a few times then she placed him at her entrance. He could feel her moist sex with his. She was as ready as he was.

Slowly, he kissed her neck, her breasts and her belly. With his thumb, he fondled her already very excited clit, which made her moan with pleasure. He looked at her glassy eyes for a few seconds and tasted her. He liked the feel of her warm highly excited clit on his tongue, and her taste was divine. Gently, he introduced two of his fingers in her, and felt her inner muscles contract frantically. Her release was fast to come and she moaned in ecstasy.

Licking his lips, he advanced slowly up her body until he could feel her wet entrance with the head of his painfully erect sex.

He kissed her neck lovingly and looking in her eyes. Inhaling deeply, he took refuge in her.

Buffy closed her eyes and inhaled deeply also.

She was the prettiest woman he had ever had, Spike thought, and he was on the verge of coming. This was total ecstasy. He felt Buffy quiver under him. Her breath was short and her face was a mirror of deep and pure pleasure.

Slowly, he began to move in her and had to stop frequently so close was he to coming. He wanted her to have pleasure, he wanted her to come again.

His brain couldn’t stop registering everything about this wonderful moment. Her hand in his hair, her other hand on his hips, the smell of her neck, the moaning coming out of her mouth, and her sex surrounding his.

Spike knew Buffy was also in deep pleasure, and he moved faster and faster in her. And when she came, tears fell from her eyes. He knew she was happy, he knew she felt fulfilled. And then he came, filling her with him, filling her with his love. Kissing her forehead and caressing her face, he silently cried. This moment of pure love and peace, which he had never known existed, had been given to him.


***


When Dawn came back from school, she found two very naked people in her sister’s bedroom. They were both asleep and desperately holding on to each other as if they were afraid the other would leave. Smiling, she closed the door that they obviously had forgotten to close.


***


A knock on the door woke them up. Without waiting for an answer, Dawn opened the door and walked into the room. Buffy and Spike looked at her with sleepy eyes, and Spike realized that Buffy’s very naked back was exposed to view. He discretely grabbed the blanket and hid them with it. Buffy, still sleepy, yawned and put her hand on his chest.

“Good evening,” said Dawn. “I brought you dinner.” Buffy and Spike looked at her puzzled. “Dinner?” asked Buffy.

She looked at the alarm clock: it was 6 p.m.! “Yes, dinner,” answered Dawn. “It's not a lot, but it’s something.”

She put the ‘Kiss the Librarian’ mug on the bedside table for Spike, and the food tray next to Buffy, on the other side of the bed. The scent of the omelet cruelly reminded Buffy that she hadn’t eaten all day. She slowly turned around and sat, holding the blanket to hide her nudity.

“That smells good,” she said. “Thank you.” “No problem,” said Dawn. “I’m leaving for the Magick Shop… Willow is going to help me with my computer homework. I’ll be back around 10.”

“You want us to drive you?” asked Buffy, even though she desperately wanted to stay in bed with Spike. “No, no!” said Dawn smiling. “Xander will take me.”

Buffy knew, by the smile on her face, that Dawn understood she didn’t want to leave the house. She was grateful that Xander was picking her up.

Wait a minute!

Xander!

He hated Spike!

Buffy wondered how he would react if he saw them in the same bed. He would most probably tear her head off and stake Spike, asking questions later.

“Don’t worry about him,” said Dawn reading her mind by the expression on Buffy’s face. “He’s not going to find out until you want to tell him… None of them will find out before you tell them.”

Gratitude filled Buffy’s heart. Even if Dawn wasn’t technically her sister, and could be a total teenage brat, Buffy loved her and appreciated her understanding.

“Dawn, thank you… You’re the best… I love you.” “I know,” said Dawn smiling.

“Dawn, I’m here!” yelled Xander from downstairs. “Coming!” yelled Dawn back to him. “Got to go… Be good!” she said to them.

“Dawn!” yelled Xander again.

Dawn walked down the stairs.

“Coming! Coming!” said Dawn, arriving at the door.

“Isn’t that Spike’s bike in the driveway?”

“Yep, it is,” answered Dawn. “He brought it to work on it but hasn't had time yet.”

"I see. Are you ready to go?"

“Yup.”


***


Buffy and Spike heard the front door close. “You know, Niblet is such a sweetheart,” said Spike. “I know,” she replied.

Spike took the mug from the bedside table and looked inside. Pig’s blood. ‘Well, well, I never knew the Slayer kept blood in her fridge!’

He drank and looked at the yellow mug again. ‘What? How the bloody hell did this mug found its way here?’ he thought, remembering his episode in Giles' bathtub. ‘Definitely, Destiny has its wicked ways!’ Buffy ate her omelet and avoided looking at Spike. As much as she seemed to find his presence comforting, he guess that her looking at him drink blood would upset her stomach.

When they were both finished, Spike took his mug and her tray down to the kitchen.

He had a smug smile on his face when he walked back in the room, a smile he lost when he saw Buffy standing by the window, and looking outside with barely any emotion on her face. He could see her naked shoulder under the blanket she was hiding herself with. This view was so strange. Spike walked towards her and kissed the top of her head. He then took the blanket and wrapped it around both of them. He could feel her naked back pressing on his chest and her butt on his thighs and tried not to get excited. He had the distinct impression that now was absolutely not the time for it. Her back was warm and soft against his chest and he realized how cold he must feel to her. “Luv, are you cold?” he asked lightly.

She kept starring outside and he looked out to see what she was looking at. Kids were playing a game on the neighbor’s front yard, and they seemed happy, carefree.

“Luv, are you cold?” he asked again, with real concern in his voice.

And he didn’t mean physically this time, he was asking if she was cold in her soul. He wasn’t sure she had the answer to his question, but he knew that whatever it was, he would accept it. He cared so much. Who would have thought that of him, of all people? Even he couldn’t believe how much he had changed.


***


Buffy turned and took refuge in his arms. She could feel his soft sex on her belly and was glad that there was no lust involved in this moment. It meant that he loved her enough to be able to have intimate moments, naked in each other's arms, without getting physical. He didn’t only lust after her, he loved her.

“I don’t feel warm, but I’m not cold anymore… I feel reassured. And even if I don’t feel it as much as when I was in Heaven, I feel loved, and a little bit more complete… My Hell is a little bit more bearable,” she whispered. “I feel like I’ve stopped falling, that you’re my anchor… And it scares me. I’m terrified. This world hurts so much… And I’m afraid you’ll turn against me, or leave, or die. And then I’ll lose my anchor, and my sanity. I know I’m walking a very thin line here and most of the time, I feel like I’m going insane… Spike, why did they do this to me? Why did they have to bring me back? I feel like I’m losing everything… my heart, my soul, my mind… Even my body. Spike, I wake up in the morning and I have the impression that my heart stopped overnight, that my body is totally dead…”

And Buffy knew he would know what she meant. He was technically dead himself. She felt his reassuring arms tighten around her.

“And here I am, still in this world… Suffering and knowing what I’ve lost. And I’m afraid I’ll never be able to go back there again… I’m afraid of Hell, the dead people. Hell… Hell must be such a cold place…. and I feel so cold… Spike…”


Continued...




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