Look What Love Gave Us


Written by: iyaorisha
Author's Website



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Summary: AU S7. How will Buffy handle it when newly ensouled Spike returns to Sunnydale. Spoilerish for S6 if anyone hasn't seen it yet. This four chapter fic is part of a longer series in progress.
Pairings: Buffy/Spike (also Xander/Anya, Willow/Tara, Buffy/Angel, Spike/Drusilla, Spike/Angel)
Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.
Feedback: Brutal honesty is best (I enjoy floggings, I really do), but warm fuzzies are accepted as well. You can post a review here or email me at fanfic_by_iyaorisha@yahoo.com


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Chapter 3:

Willow knew that she botched the telling of it. She had attempted to answer two sets of questions at once with third hand information that sounded dubious to her own ears. In the end, Buffy freaked completely and took the stairs three at a time to get the story from the source.

"Ah, you're awake." Giles put down his journal and pen. He was seated in a chair outside Buffy's room. The Watcher looked weary and rumpled. It was obvious he'd spent the night sitting up with Spike.

Buffy narrowed her eyes at him. "I should have been awake four hours ago when you discovered that Spike has a soul."

"Now, Buffy, you needed your rest. As it turns out, Spike's recent, um...diet, was a personal choice." A wry smile crossed the Englishman's face. "Since there wasn't anything pursuing him, I decided to let you sleep. Now go have some breakfast. " Giles picked up his journal again.

"I can't. I need to know what's going on." She put her hand on the doorknob to her room.

Giles put his hand on her arm to stop her. "Buffy, Spike's asleep again. I've been giving him some herbs with the pigs' blood to help him sleep. I estimate that he'll awaken in about two hours for another feeding. Go have breakfast and a shower, perhaps a run. I'll tell you when you can see him."

Buffy clenched her fists in frustration, but there was nothing to do. She was halfway down the stairs before she remembered. "Dawn!"

Giles put a finger to his lips. "She's still asleep. I suspect that she missed her curfew last night."

For once, Buffy was glad that her little sis had been disobedient. Otherwise, Dawn would be awake and in an uproar right now. She adored Spike and had been deeply crushed by his disappearance. Buffy didn't know how she was going to explain what was going on.

She didn't understand it herself.

***

In the kitchen, Willow tried to reason with Xander.

He'd sworn to dust Spike, but she never thought that he was serious. Just venting. But, he had shown up this morning armed. Not just the one stake either, but an axe and several daggers. And it seemed that he thought they were not enough.

The construction worker had brought an armful of two-by-fours with him and was rapidly turning them into a pile of very sharp stakes. He kept whittling while the ex-witch spelled out good reasons why he should go home or at least stop cloning Mr. Pointy. Willow didn't know what was more disturbing, this unwavering focus on stake production or the uncharacteristic silence that accompanied it.

She was relieved when Buffy came back downstairs.

***
It was close to ten when Dawn woke up. She groaned when she saw the time on the alarm clock. No doubt Buffy was awake by now and suspicious. Dawn never slept late, even on weekends and school holidays.

The teen sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Then, she stretched long and hard, as she thought about her secret. Last night had been worth whatever punishment her big sis would dole out. Dawn had been the last in her circle of friends to do it. The peer pressure had been anything but subtle. Eventually, she got sick of the teasing. And, to be honest, she was curious. Janice was right, it *did* feel like flying. Only sort of out of control. But in a good way. She couldn't wait to do it again, despite the soreness this morning.

"Time to face the music." She said to herself and bounded out of bed. When she yanked open the door, she was shocked to come face to face with Giles.

"Um, morning Giles." she sputtered, thinking Buffy must be truly pissed if she called in Giles to read the riot act. "About last night..."

"Later, Dawn. I have some news for you," he paused. "But first, you have to promise not to scream."

On later reflection, Giles realized that those were not the most reassuring words to say to a teenage girl who had lost her mother, sister, and a beloved friend in the space of a year. He shouldn't have been surprised when Dawn went slammed past him and went tearing downstairs, shrieking Buffy's name.

Amazingly, the cause of all the tumult continued to sleep through it all.

***

A breakfast burrito and two bowls of cereal later, Buffy stood under the shower killing time. She had lathered, rinsed, and repeated twice and Spike *still* wouldn't awaken for another half an hour. Meanwhile, outside the bathroom door were the four people that she loved most in the world -each with his or her own opinion about the bleached vampire's story.

Was it true? Could he really have earned a soul in a contest of strength and bravery? If so, what did it mean? Spike was no Angel. She smiled at the pun. Would the soul change how he saw himself and his place in the world? Did he feel remorse for the things he'd done?

With that thought, Buffy's reverie turned to anxiety and the bathroom metamorphosed from sanctuary to snare. It was here Spike had cornered her while she was still achingly battered from the fight with Warren. His timing could not have been worse. Otherwise, she might have reacted differently when he badgered her to say she loved him. Instead, she had tried to get across to Spike once and for all that she could never love him. In torment and desperate, he had turned to the only thing that ever broke down her barrier -his touch. When she didn't respond and tried to fend him off, it was like he snapped. To her horror, he dragged her to the floor and attempted to force himself on her.

She had stopped him, mercifully. And the bruises had faded within hours, one of the benefits of being the Slayer. Then Warren had shot her and Tara, unleashing the dark power in Willow. Buffy, Xander, and Anya had struggled to save the evil Trio from Evil!Willow. Giles returned from England with borrowed magicks to help them and almost died for his efforts. The very world had been brought to the edge of devastation. And when they stepped back from the brink, there was so much to be done in rebuilding their lives. So Buffy hadn't thought about the attack very much.

Still, now and then, the memory would resurface. Buffy would think about Spike's hands on her, clawing at her clothing and bare flesh. When that happened, she felt sick to her stomach and her heart beat too fast. These flashbacks usually happened in the bathroom when she was running a bath. Because of this, she mostly took showers now.

Buffy pushed the memories away, shut off the water, and toweled dry. Swaddled in her bathrobe, she began drying her hair. She almost didn't hear the knock on the door over the whine of the dryer. "I'll be out in a minute."

"It's me, Buff," Willow said. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." She unlocked the door and leaned against the edge of the sink.

The redhead slipped in and sat on the edge of the tub. "Giles wanted me to tell you that Spike's awake." She held out a hand to stop Buffy from darting from the room. "You can't go in yet. Giles is feeding him." Willow snickered. "He's like a big ole vampire baby that has to be fed every two hours."

Buffy smiled. It *was* a funny image. "It's nice there's some humor in this."

Willow nodded. "The rest is kinda overwhelming. Spike being back. You almost killing him. Xander out there ready to kill him. Spike having a soul." The ex-witch paused. "That was the first time you'd seen him since...what he tried to do to you. Wasn't it?"

Buffy nodded. She didn't trust her voice.

"How are you handling this?" Willow asked softly.

Buffy shook her head. "I don't know that I am handling it." She sighed. "Will, I went to his crypt last night because I had finally accepted that he wasn't coming back. I figured he was dead and it looked like some other vampire was using the place. I went there to dust whoever it was. Only it was Spike." Her voice wavered and for a terrible moment she thought she would cry.

Willow didn't know what to say. Spike had been basically a taboo topic with Buffy the whole summer. She stood up and put her arms around her friend. "It's going to be okay, Buffy. Whatever is going on, we're here for you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Do you want me to go tell Giles that you don't want to see Spike?"

Buffy shook her head. "No, thanks Will, but I need to know what's going on. And I think that I better hear it from Spike myself." She gave the ex-witch an extra tight squeeze and opened the door.

***

"You can go in." Giles said. "He'll be groggy. In fact, I suspect that he'll be out again soon; but right now he's awake."

Buffy hesitated and Dawn stepped into the breach. "If she doesn't want to see him, can I go in?" the younger Summers pleaded.

"No!" Buffy spoke more gruffly than she intended. "I mean, I'm going in. I just don't know what to say." She gave a weak smile. 'Sorry I tried to dust you.' seems a little insufficient."

"It's a start." Willow chirruped.

"And who knows, maybe he'll be inspired to say "Sorry I tried to rape you." Xander said sarcastically.

Buffy glowered at her friend. He squared his shoulders, calling on all his love and loyalty to help him meet her stare evenly. "Soul or no soul. I won't let him hurt you again."

"Xan, please... I know that you're worried." She paused, looking at all four of the concerned faces. "You're all worried. I don't know, maybe you do have reason to be. I just know that I have to handle this myself. And the sooner the better." She took a deep breath and stepped into her bedroom before she lost her nerve.

***
The room was very dark and it took about thirty seconds for her eyes to adjust. Even so, she couldn't stop staring at the white figure on her bed. Spike looked much less drawn, but he was still even paler than the gauze bandages wound around his torso. She made a mental note to double the blood order, maybe triple it.

"Buffy?" His voice was so faint that she almost missed the call.

"Yes, Spike. I'm here."

"Good."

She came to sit on the edge of the bed. Even the shift caused by her slight weight made him wince and she apologized. But he didn't answer. Had the herbs put him under again? No, his eyes were still open, but they had a glazed look like a human with a fever.

"I thought you'd finally done me in, Slayer. Now I find you've saved me to torment at your leisure." Spike's voice was weak, but held flickers of his old self. "You ruined my favorite shirt, you know."

"Why did you come back?" Buffy tried to make her voice as cold as possible.

"I live here." He smiled.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You don't *live* anywhere, Spike. You aren't *alive*."

He laughed softly. "True enough. Let's say I was homesick, then. I missed old Sunnyhell when I was in Africa. I might have felt differently if I had known that you'd be waiting for me with a stake."

She flushed. "I wasn't."

"Then, why were you there?"

Buffy stood up angrily, sure he was baiting her. "Wait a minute. You need to answer a few questions yourself. What's this B.S. about having a soul?"

Spike grinned. "So the Watcher told you."

She hated that cocky grin. "I want you to tell me."

"Later, Slayer. It's a long story and I'm sleepy again. Giles should lay off whatever he's putting in the blood." He yawned and blinked his eyes. "Thank you, Buffy. Thank you for helping me. You gave me your own blood."

She nodded, unsure of what to say.

"I don't deserve it. Not after what I did to you. But I'm...grateful nonetheless." Spike paused. "And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Buffy. I want you to know that. I know you can't forgive me, but I'm so sorry I tried to force you... rape you. I was...insane that night, I think. It doesn't excuse what I did. But I never wanted to hurt you, not really. You know that, don't you." His voice began to crack. "Buffy, I'd do anything to go back in time and undo it."

"Spike, shut up."

To her amazement he did.

"You can't go back and undo it. Not anymore than I can undo almost dusting you. I am sorry for that, but it's done. So, maybe it's better that we don't apologize." She sighed. "Giles thinks that you'll be better in a day or so. You can stay here until then."

"And then?" Spike said drowsily.

"After that, whatever you do is your own business." Buffy said as she left.

***
Spike lay in the darkness. He was sleepy, but not ready to surrender to the drugging effect of the herbs. There was too much to think about.

When he had first regained consciousness, it had been to the unparalleled taste of a Slayer's blood. He went game face in reflex to the first drop on his tongue. A somewhat familiar voice told him that he mustn't bite or the blood would be lost and Spike struggled against instinct as he drank. He was sure he was dreaming, where else but in a dream would there be Slayer blood in a glass.

But then, the powerful blood cleared his head and Spike opened his eyes to find himself laid out on Buffy's bed. Giles had propped him in a not-quite sitting position and was coaxing him to swallow the last of the blood. "Come on, there's still half a glass."

"Buffy?" he croaked.

"She's downstairs asleep. That's her blood you're drinking." The Watcher's disapproval was evident.

"I know." Spike restored his human face and turned his head from the glass, prompting a raised eyebrow from Giles. "I don't want anymore."

Giles set the glass down on the nightstand. "You lost a lot of blood. Do you remember being staked?"

Spike nodded and winced when his wound throbbed at the motion. "I can't believe she missed. Bloody luck that it was me and something truly nasty. You'd better step up the girl's training, Giles."

The Watcher wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. So he decided it was time to get to business. "I have reason to believe, Spike, that something happened to you even before Buffy staked you."

Spike's eyes widened. "You mean you can tell, man."

"It was fairly obvious."

The vampire was truly aghast. "Does Buffy know?" he asked with clear dread.

"I shared my suspicions with her. That's why she insisted on giving you some of her blood."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Of course, she'd figure I merited more than that swill they sell at the butcher's. Well, I don't want anymore of it." He pushed the glass a few inches further away from himself. It was a fine, dramatic show of his pride, the vampire thought. He was pleased to see Giles' surprise at his continued refusal and only hoped the man didn't notice the unbidden yellow sparks danced through his irises at the sight of Buffy's blood.

Giles scowled. "You won't heal unless you have blood, Spike. It's obvious you haven't been getting enough blood for a long time. Why? Is something after you?"

"What?! Of course not, you stupid git. I thought you understood." Spike gave Giles a disgusted look.

"Understood what?" Giles frowned.

The vampire was truly losing patience now. "It really has changed me. I don't hunt. I don't even steal. Well, not often." He amended with a guilty look. "So, it's been a little hard to get blood without any dosh."

Giles looked puzzled. "Are you saying the chip keeps you from stealing now."

"Are you daft, man? Not the sodding chip, *the soul*!" Spike bellowed. When he recovered from the pain of such forceful yelling, he realized that Giles was staring at him with disbelief. "What?"

"My God." Giles breathed. He took off his glasses and peered close at the vampire. "A soul?!"

Spike tried to cover his panic with disgust. "You said you could tell!"

Giles just sat in stunned silence. Two ensouled vampires. What would the Council make of this? "When did this happen? How?"

"I won it in a bloody contest of valor." The vampire said proudly. "Two months ago, in Africa." His bravado returned as he recounted the battles fought at the behest of the demon. Occasionally, he forgot he was injured and attempted to reenact a particularly daring move.

And so he told the tale to the astounded Watcher. In the end, Giles made him tell it twice to check for inconsistencies. He would have made Spike tell it a third time so that notes and a tape-recording could be made, only the vampire was exhausted and told him to sod off. Still marveling, Giles had assented to let him rest.

Spike closed his eyes and pretended to doze. The Watcher took forever to pull the heavy drapes shut in anticipation of the rising sun. Once Giles left, the vampire struggled to sit up. He had been tired, but more than that, he had really wanted to be alone to think. Buffy had given him her blood. And she had done it in ignorance of his soul.

The incomparable taste of Slayer blood still lingered in his mouth. Licking his lips sent zings of pleasure through him, making his eyes flicker gold with his demon. Spike could smell what was left in the glass on the table; the perfume of Buffy's blood was so strong and alluring that it drowned out every other scent in the room. He made the mistake of staring at the glass. It took every fiber of his will not to change, not to grab the glass and swallow every drop of her essence. The half glass remaining would more than satisfy this unbearable thirst. It would heal him faster and more completely than gallons of pigs' blood. But he wouldn't do it.

Spike hadn't drunk human blood since Drusilla had killed for him during her brief return to Sunnydale. And it had been nearly three decades since he had savored the blood of a Slayer. He closed his eyes. God, there was nothing like it, richer and more vivifying than the life essence of any creature save another vampire.

When he had swallowed Buffy's blood, his whole body became suffused with some of her power and vitality. Even now, the scant amount he drank was at work healing the wound in his chest. And it sharpened his senses to an almost painful acuity that he lay in *her* bed, the sheets and pillows fragrant with the musky vanilla scent of her skin.

Drinking a Slayer's blood counted among the most sensual experiences of Spike's unlife. And that was saying a lot, given his history with Angelus, Darla, and his dark princess, Drusilla. Slayer blood trumped nearly all.

Like all humans, each girl had tasted different due to diet and personal habits. The blood of both the Chinese Slayer and Nikki had been slightly bitter with the adrenaline flowing through their veins at the time of the kill, but Buffy's was sweet, like honey. Fear being one of Spike's favorite spices, that wasn't the reason this Slayer's blood had tasted so wonderful to him. She had given it freely, though she still believed him to be soulless and evil. He could taste that in her blood, that willingness -no, desire to see him healed despite it all.

Perhaps there still was a chance she might love him.

When Spike woke again later, he knew Giles was surprised that he had left the rest of Buffy's blood untouched, cold and congealed now in the glass. "I told you I didn't want it." The vampire said archly, though he was secretly relieved when Giles took the tumbler out.

Spike then shocked the Watcher further with the news that he had been back in Sunnyhell for a month. That he knew from Clem that Warren had shot Buffy and killed Tara, plunging Willow into a grief-fueled rage that threatened to destroy the world. That he had been secretly picking off vampires and demons in the hope that it made life easier for Buffy.

"Any thing else?" the flabbergasted Giles had asked. And Spike had been tempted to tell him, but the herbs in the pigs' blood he'd drunk made him sleepy. Besides, he wanted to tell Buffy himself.

However, when she finally came after he woke the third time, the words he practiced for two months vanished. Spike expected her to be angry that he'd disappeared just when she needed him post. He knew she'd doubt his story and his sincere regret for the things he'd done, well some of the things at least.. Spike was ready for that, but not for her to be so cold and dismissive. It was obvious that she hated him -which he admittedly deserved. But, why then had she bothered to save him? He pondered it until the soporifics in the pigs' blood dragged him under into a dreamless sleep.

***

When she left her bedroom, Buffy walked right past her sister and friends without a word. They had sense enough not to ask how the conversation had gone, though Xander's eyes had narrowed and he started whittling yet another stake. She went downstairs and was grateful that no one, but Dawn followed.

The teen watched Buffy pull on her running shoes and search for her Discman. By the time her sister had located the device under a sofa pillow, Dawn figured that it was now or never. "Uh, Buffy?"

"Not now, Dawn. I'll hear your excuses about breaking curfew later. I got go for a run to clear my head."

"Um, it's not about my curfew. Though I'll have you know that I was home by one, only an hour late." The look on her sister's face told Dawn that Buffy wasn't buying it.

"What *is* it then, Dawn?"

"Well, um... you know those gifts you've been getting from your secret admirer?"

Buffy threw a bottle of water and her towel into her little running bag. "Take whatever it is that you want to borrow and just try not to break it or stain it or lose it like most of the stuff you borrow from me."

Dawn shook her head. "No, its not about borrowing anything. Even though I wouldn't mind another spritz of the Creamsicle perfume. It's yummy." She smiled.

Exasperated, Buffy stood up and looked squarely at Dawn. "Just tell me what it is."

"No need to get all huffy." Dawn pouted. "I was going to tell you that there wasn't a gift today."

Buffy shrugged. "So he gave up, whoever he was. Or he ran out of money. The cross alone..."

"Or," Dawn drew the word out dramatically, "he couldn't leave a gift because he's upstairs recuperating in your bed."

The look on her sister's face was priceless.

"No." Buffy said. "Impossible."

"Giles says he's been back for a month. The gifts have been coming for a month." Dawn giggled.

"No." Buffy repeated. "It's not Spike."

"And remember that nest of vampires over on East Avenue that suddenly disappeared." Dawn paused dramatically. "Well, Xander was going all buggy over you being alone with Spike. Giles told him that he wasn't the only one looking out for you 'cause Spike cleaned that nest of vamps out so you wouldn't have to. And he got rid of a whole bunch of other nasties that you didn't even get to see." Dawn was grinning hugely now.

Buffy was pacing now. All a sudden, it seemed that everywhere she looked was some object that had mysteriously appeared on her front porch. The vanilla scented candles on the mantle. The seagrass basket beside the door. The mix disc in her Discman. Even the cross she still wore from last night were a gift from the secret admirer. It couldn't be.

"No. No! NO!" She stamped her foot in a pretty good unconscious imitation of one of Dawn's own temper tantrums.

 



Continued...

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